Hello. I am new here. I just don't know what to do anymore. All my life I've felt like a male. Even though I got criticism for it as a child my parents tolerated it (especially my father). When I became a teenager my family really put the stress on me to act and behave like a girl. I refused for several years but it eventually became too much, so I did my best. Since then I've definately not been seen as a girly-girl but a tomboy, a manish woman or confused as gay. I've been told many, many times "You're more of a man than 'name'". As years went by I tried harder and harder. I did fall I love with a man and after a long time got married. I don't love him anymore and haven't for a long, long time. The things I fell in love with the most was his feminine side.

I'm 34 now and I can't live this lie anymore. I tried so hard, but I just can't do it anymore. We have no children. I never wanted children (even as a child) and the thought of being pregnant terrifies and disgusts me. I feel the same way about being pregnant as a man probably would. I would pretend to gush over photos of men but subconsciously I would think "I wish I looked like that or had that chest or had that genitalia". My fantasies of having male genitalia are limitless. For years I've kept these thoughts buried and hidden in my subconscience, convincing myself that I'm a woman first.

A series of events over that past few months have opened that Pandora's Box in my subconscience and I can't fool and lie to myself anymore. But, there are too many obsticles. I'm somewhat O.K. with telling my family (since it probably wouldn't be the biggest shock in the world to them) though I'm still nervous. I'm terrified to tell my husband and his mother. He's co-dependent x3000 and she's super Christian religious x10,000. There is the very true possibility that the news would make him commit suicide. I'm also successful in my field and telling my company terrifies me. I'm sure they'd fire me, despite the "rights" we have to protect us. Then I'd have no insurance and no income.

What have I done? Why couldn't I just admit this 10+ years ago? Now I'm trapped in a marriage and job that would become volatile with this new info. It will also end up costing so, so much money in the end. If I transition I'm going all the way. No middle road for me. I just can't see myself getting through all this. I fear I'll bring shame on my family, in-laws and friends. I feel trapped with no way out except suicide. I pray to God for guidance but get nothing.

I'm seeing a transgender therapist on 14 May. Every day gets more and more torturous the more I realize how much of my life I've thrown away. I think I've waited too long for this and it's too late now. I'm doomed to live this female state, but I can't any loonger.

Radar Welcome to Susan's. Don't worry about your age and the time lost, maybe you can start making sure you don't lose much more and a gender therapist is step one in that. I am 40 this year and just started transitioning also FTM. I think the therapist is a great idea and hope they can help you out. Please feel free to ask any questions you have here on Susan's. I was where you are now 2 years ago and found this place a great resource and support.
Myles

Hi Radar.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. I know it can be overwhelming when you first admit to yourself you have to do this. But it will all come together, one step at a time. You'll probably feel a lot better after talking through with your therapist. Then you'll know how to proceed. I feel a lot better just being on T for less than a week. Relief is coming your way, dude.
In the mean time, try to relax. Find comfort in the fact you've taken the first step. Stick around and chat. We have guys all ages and in all stages of transition here.
<offers hand>

Hello, Radar.  I'm also fairly new here, and for that matter, just beginning the whole process of transitioning.  I have an appointment with a therapist who often deals with transsexuals on June 5th.  It seems to take quite a while to actually get appointments in my province.  After that, although I don't remember exactly when, I will have an appointment with a psychiatrist, which is apparently very different.  I think she's the one that will be able to get me hormones and such, while the therapist will be the one to write notes for me, and help me figure this out.  Although, I am pretty decided.  I just can't see myself being any different.  Male - that's who I am.  I'm young still, but I know this and I luckily, unlike many unfortunate trans guys, have a supportive family and a highly supportive girlfriend.  I'm lucky, and far luckier than most.

I just want you to know you are not alone.  Lots of people suffer from GID every day.  As for me, I have felt suicidal because of it in the past.  Since I had my hair cut, I feel a lot more like myself, but being female, even bodily, is difficult for me.  I feel so helpless sometimes.  Like I'm trapped.

I know you must be terrified about your husband's well-being, but remember, you shouldn't let anyone get in the way of who you are.  You live once, and it's not too late to do something like this.

Good luck!

Quote from: Radar on April 27, 2009, 08:31:26 PM
Hello. I am new here. I just don't know what to do anymore. All my life I've felt like a male. Even though I got criticism for it as a child my parents tolerated it (especially my father). When I became a teenager my family really put the stress on me to act and behave like a girl. I refused for several years but it eventually became too much, so I did my best. Since then I've definately not been seen as a girly-girl but a tomboy, a manish woman or confused as gay. I've been told many, many times "You're more of a man than 'name'". As years went by I tried harder and harder. I did fall I love with a man and after a long time got married. I don't love him anymore and haven't for a long, long time. The things I fell in love with the most was his feminine side.

I'm 34 now and I can't live this lie anymore. I tried so hard, but I just can't do it anymore. We have no children. I never wanted children (even as a child) and the thought of being pregnant terrifies and disgusts me. I feel the same way about being pregnant as a man probably would. I would pretend to gush over photos of men but subconsciously I would think "I wish I looked like that or had that chest or had that genitalia". My fantasies of having male genitalia are limitless. For years I've kept these thoughts buried and hidden in my subconscience, convincing myself that I'm a woman first.

A series of events over that past few months have opened that Pandora's Box in my subconscience and I can't fool and lie to myself anymore. But, there are too many obsticles. I'm somewhat O.K. with telling my family (since it probably wouldn't be the biggest shock in the world to them) though I'm still nervous. I'm terrified to tell my husband and his mother. He's co-dependent x3000 and she's super Christian religious x10,000. There is the very true possibility that the news would make him commit suicide. I'm also successful in my field and telling my company terrifies me. I'm sure they'd fire me, despite the "rights" we have to protect us. Then I'd have no insurance and no income.

What have I done? Why couldn't I just admit this 10+ years ago? Now I'm trapped in a marriage and job that would become volatile with this new info. It will also end up costing so, so much money in the end. If I transition I'm going all the way. No middle road for me. I just can't see myself getting through all this. I fear I'll bring shame on my family, in-laws and friends. I feel trapped with no way out except suicide. I pray to God for guidance but get nothing.

I'm seeing a transgender therapist on 14 May. Every day gets more and more torturous the more I realize how much of my life I've thrown away. I think I've waited too long for this and it's too late now. I'm doomed to live this female state, but I can't any loonger.

Wow...So much of what you said echo's in my head. I'm sorry it has to be this way for you. At least you are still in your 30's. I tried at 36, 38, 40 and now again at almost 41. You have it dead on with Pandora's box. Once that thing is opened there is no closing it.

Welcome to Susan's, Radar.

I agree with Lori on the Pandora's box comment. There truly is no way to close it.

Since you feel so seriously, I would recommend trying to tell someone you know you can trust; someone who has the best chance of taking it well. I would hold off for now on telling your husband and his mother, since it does not sound like such a great idea at present. Going to a therapist is a good idea; it can help you find the best course of action.

It isn't good that you feel you have lost so much time, and I hope you find some times in your future that make up for it.

Best of luck to you.

Radar. Been there. Was in a marriage, I was 42 when the box sprung open. I was also successful in my field - and very public in my small town. I was terrified. My marriage was pretty well dead, but my fears were still: losing marriage, losing friends, losing family and losing job. What happened to me was I lost the marriage (which was a blessing). All of my friends are still my friends. I've had no trouble with family, other than having to deal with their anxieties while I was going through my own, which is damned hard. And my employer was fantastically supportive, as were all my co-workers. I wound up going into business for myself, didn't lose a single client and now have more than I can handle. I've never had a real problem with transitioning, but I had so much fear and anxiety that I came close to suicide.

None of my fears came true. I'm glad I talked myself out of ending it (I promised myself that I would stay alive for one more month. Every month, until the anxiety dissipated.) This is not an easy road, and it's really hard later in life, but you have the emotional maturity that you might not have had if you'd done it earlier.

Oh, and as far as the marriage thing, we had a really nasty separation and divorce. My ex had mental illness problems. Once I was through that, I figured I'd just concentrate on life, living, and chill. I met a wonderful woman who I've been with for two years now, and she hunted me down, knowing that I was in my not so confident phase.

If transitioning is for you, please be reassured that it's not as bad looking back as it is looking forward.

Dennis

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Post Merge: April 28, 2009, 01:06:10 AM

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Oh I should add, one of my fears was that the newspaper would pick it up as a human interest story. I've had nothing but respect from our local reporters and they've been fair and have never messed pronouns up (I'm in the paper about once every week or two).

Thanks everyone for your words. I feel some better knowing there are guys out there who didn't start till their 40s and were married. This forum is the only place I've admitted this so far. If there's anyone I'd tell first it would be my father. I'm not ready to tell him yet, but I might drop a few hints when we go fishing this weekend.

Actually, I used the wrong term. The guy I'm seeing is a psychologist, not a therapist. He's got tons of experience and is highly recommended for transgenders. Also, he's covered under my insurance (after I hopefully get a referral). Would a psychologist be able to prescribe T?

I've started a slow transition. I got rid of my women's clothes (which I would just wear to work) and bought some men's work clothes. I have to admit, the men's trousers fit me much better than the women's. I've gotten rid of my perfumes and girly lotions and most of my feminine jewelry.

It still seems so overwhelming. I'm so concerned what work, my husband and his family will think & do. I'm not a very emotional person and hide my pain, so all this is driving me crazy. I'm glad to know these emotions are normal.

Hi Radar,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2230 strong.  That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another brother.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html
• Standard Terms and Definitions https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html
• Post Ranks https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.

Janet

It just occurred to me that we should set up an exchange.  I have half a walk-in closet full of male clothes that are going to wind up at Goodwill, but I could really use some jewlery.

Quote from: GinaDouglas on April 28, 2009, 04:23:04 PM
It just occurred to me that we should set up an exchange. I have half a walk-in closet full of male clothes that are going to wind up at Goodwill, but I could really use some jewlery.

What type of jewellery do you like? I can let you know if I have that type/style. Most of these I've never worn or only a few times. FYI I've already given my clothes to Goodwill. It's a good cause and a great tax deduction.

Don't have anything helpful to add other than what others have said since I transitioned very early in life, but better late than never.

Also, I believe it is an endocrinologist that prescribes T, and the psychologist that gives you a referral to an endo. But I could be wrong.

Quote from: Asher on April 28, 2009, 05:32:53 PM
Also, I believe it is an endocrinologist that prescribes T, and the psychologist that gives you a referral to an endo. But I could be wrong.

Yeah, I had a brain fart. I did remember that the psychologist sends an endocrinologist the referral.

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Post Merge: April 28, 2009, 07:25:32 PM

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Gena Douglas- If you give me your e-mail address in a PM I can send you a photo of what I have. It's mostly necklaces and some standard earrings. I tried sending you a PM from the forum but I was restricted.

Do you have any men's jewellery? Don't worry about the ring sizes being 9 & up- I have larger fingers and hands.