A few weeks ago I wrote an important post (see https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,58957.0.html) recognizing that my GID might have a sociocultural and associative component. As I began to explore that idea, I began to see more and more how deep it went, how much it had to do with my GID, and how relieving it was to realize it. I looked at myself and asked who am I? What am I longing to be when my GID takes over? Why does what I want to be have to be female? I took a hard look at my internal identity, at my idealized self.

All I've ever wanted was to be myself. All I've ever wanted was to be accepted for the person I believe myself to be on the inside. I learned to believe as a child that I could not be myself because I was male. Everything that I thought represented masculinity was not me so I assumed I must not be male. That turned me thinking that I needed to be a girl to truly be me. Denying my true self and embracing a masculine facade only strengthened my resolve to be myself (which by that point I associated with becoming female). When I met others like me, I related to them and their stories, began to identify as a transsexual and took the path of transition.

I'm challenging this all. I'm challenging my base assumption. I realized I was wrong. I am not a female, nor should I ever have been. I am a male who has markedly feminine traits and who should be able to express them to be true to himself. Once I realized all this, I realized I needed to change my idealized self from female to male. As I've done this, as I've reinforced that ideal, I have come to peace with being male. I feel stonger, more powerful, more in control and more peaceful than ever in my life with regard to my GID and it is because I was honest with myself, did some deep searching, recognized its root, challenged its existence, and now can face the truth:

A male child who had tremendously culturally feminine disposition was trounced upon by his male and female peers as well as belittled by the adults in his life. He came to associate his natural state of being as not appropriate for a male and began to pursue more masculine behaviors and attributes. Realizing these didn't accurately represent him, he determined he must be a female. As the child grew up he forgot his initial reasoning for determining he must be female and began to believe it essential to his core until it consumed him.

In essence, I developed the need to be female as a way to be myself. So as long as I can be myself without being female, the need to be female is moot.

I'm learning that now, and I am at peace.

It is challenging though. I realize my need to be female results from a feeling that I cannot be male and myself. I must therefore make a conscious and definitive effort to be myself (show my feminine traits) as a male especially when I am afraid to do so - such as in the presence of a group of other males. If I retreat into my entirely believable Actor persona and find relief, I only reinforce the the initial problem - that I cannot be myself and be male.

It is like fighting a phobia. If I'm afraid of socks and run from socks every time I am presented with them, it only negatively reinforces my fear of socks. Only if I stand in the presence of my fear and begin to associate that fear with less fearful experiences will I truly overcome it, but it will take diligence and effort.

So it is with my GID. I must learn to become comfortable being male and being myself. If I can learn to do that without retreating into my Actor persona, I will beat it the need to be female. While it will always seem nice to be female, it will no longer be associated with being true to myself, and thus will not consume me.

Will this be the end of my GID? I cannot know - but it certainly seems an important step in learning how to live without transition.

I don't know, sometimes I think you make things more complicated than they need to be.  If you have to rationalize your feelings to this extent, how can you really ever be comfortable with it internally?  I mean, maybe you are now and expressing a simpler feeling just came across as complicated (something I do all the time).  But it reminds me a lot of how I used to think about some of the earlier problems in my life that I was trying to come to terms with, and when I tried to logically convince myself of certain things, in the manner that it seems you are above, it only ever helped for a little while, because at our core we (humans) are not really logical beings, we either feel one way or we feel another.

What worries me in particular is the idea of an idealized self that you are or aren't living up to.  This idealized self will never be realized, it's not possible.  I think that for real inner comfort you have to be able to see that your idealized self is the person you *already* are.  We are all capable of incredible things but it is very easy to convince ourselves that we are incapable, inferior, imperfect, not ideal.  This may sound like a play on words, but the trick to 'being yourself' is to 'stop not being yourself'.

I've avoided commenting on male vs female because that's obviously not something I can tell you better than yourself, but the above paragraph is something that I've come to realize over the course of years that I find very helpful in 'being myself' although I still have a lot of work to do in that regard.  I hope it comes across as constructive rather than critical, because critical is not my intention .

My use of "idealized" probably isn't the best word.  It is really a synonym for my "best" self - the truest to myself - the most real.

I appreciate your perspective.  Perhaps I do over complicate things, but I really like to analyze stuff - especially the motivations of people (including myself) to understand why they do what they do.  I'm especially motivated to analyze myself because I really want to understand the basis behind my GID, behind my transsexualism.

I do not feel that people are not logical generally - you just have to figure out what makes them tick, then their illogical acts actually fit together.

In the opening scene of Lawrence of Arabia, Lawrence does a stunt where he holds the match till it burns down to the end.  One of the amazed onlookers tries it, burns himself and asks: "What's the trick" to which Lawrence replies, "The trick ... is in not minding it hurts."

I often work up in a truss, two inch round pipes, fifty feet in the air, and people ask me how I can work up there without being afraid and I tell them I really don't think about it.

Now, not that every second, every move up there I'm not aware of it.  The instant I ever forget, I'll fall.  But to think about it too much, as some I've seen - well it freezes them.  It's all they can think about.  And once it consumes them, they are useless up there.

Sure GID hurts, the trick, as Lawrence would have it, is not to mind that it hurts.  Sure you feel it.  But you don't let that pain stop you either.  Of course, like me in the truss, or Lawrence, it helps to have something else to focus on while you're doing it.

Quote from: tekla on April 30, 2009, 01:47:05 AM
In the opening scene of Lawrence of Arabia, Lawrence does a stunt where he holds the match till it burns down to the end.  One of the amazed onlookers tries it, burns himself and asks: "What's the trick" to which Lawrence replies, "The trick ... is in not minding it hurts."

I often work up in a truss, two inch round pipes, fifty feet in the air, and people ask me how I can work up there without being afraid and I tell them I really don't think about it.

Now, not that every second, every move up there I'm not aware of it.  The instant I ever forget, I'll fall.  But to think about it too much, as some I've seen - well it freezes them.  It's all they can think about.  And once it consumes them, they are useless up there.

Sure GID hurts, the trick, as Lawrence would have it, is not to mind that it hurts.  Sure you feel it.  But you don't let that pain stop you either.  Of course, like me in the truss, or Lawrence, it helps to have something else to focus on while you're doing it.

I don't know what else to say but,

Thank you for such amazing insight - I truly had not thought of that before.

It fits with my experience though.  I've found for myself that when I focus on the blessings in my life or, in other words, the things I HAVE, I tend to spend less time focusing on the things I DON'T HAVE.  GID has been bearable to me for years because of the lack of focus on it.  It has been there, sure, it hurts, sure, but it hasn't consumed me.  I've decided though that I wanted to focus some attention on it in an effort to learn more about it - hence these posts in which I expose my though processes.

I really appreciate your insight, Tekla.

GID has been bearable to me for years because of the lack of focus on it.  It has been there, sure, it hurts, sure, but it hasn't consumed me.

I think that's the deal.  Too often I read people telling me how its all they can think about, and it turns out they never leave their room.  Well, what the hell else is there to think about then?  Tear down the walls.  People find all kinds of acceptance in all sorts of places, but I think that really begins with them first accepting themselves, then accepting others as they are, and being in the world.  All else flows from that spring.

Some find the full transition path to be the right one.  Good for them.  But for many, its only going to change one form of failure for another.

Quote from: tekla on April 30, 2009, 01:47:05 AM
The trick ... is in not minding it hurts.

I always loved that scene in "Lawrence of Arabia".

Still, not being a masochist, I got rid of my GID the old-fashioned way, transition.

Oi! This all sounds SO familiar... Pendulum in motion...
My "hurt" has been quelled by reducing the amplitude of the swing - I'm ME, happily oscillating in the middle...

Quote from: Renate on April 30, 2009, 05:46:01 AM
I always loved that scene in "Lawrence of Arabia".

Still, not being a masochist, I got rid of my GID the old-fashioned way, transition.

I was thinking about your quote today and it made me kind of giggle.  To think, those who transition are the ones doing profoundly intrusive surgeries on their bodies, but I'm the masochist!    Don't get my wrong, I TOTALLY understand your point and even agree with it, but it was a funny idea.

Renate, That's great. "The old fashioned way, transition." You make me laugh. So direct and simple. I love it.

Whether or not dropping the Actor eliminates or reduces the desire to transition, it is always good to be oneself.  Yay Interalia!

I think the thing that bothers me most about transsexuality is what I perceive as the need of so many of us to evangelize everyone else. Not that that's what you're doing, Interalia.

But too often I have seen in the past decade woman and men who propose both the "right way" and "the right kind" as "solutions" to the problem of GID or brain-sex or HSTS/->-bleeped-<-TS or whatever definition or terms they wish to use.

There always comes a savor to my nose like that of evangelism: spreading the good word of salvation to all and sundry until all over the earth people know the right way to do things.

I'm happy that you have found a way that fits you and I sincerely hope that that way holds true for you for the rest of your life. It makes me happy that Renate has found her way as well. That Fae found hers, etc, etc, etc.

The basic fact of humanity seems to be that we are both individual and collective. There are many levels we work in much the same way and many that we find individual ways to handle specific (as in overall species) problems that arise in our lives. Your way may well also be a way for many others to find their peace and comfort with themselves. My way, Renate's way, may well be the way many others still can find their comfort and peace.

I am not omniscient enough to know which way is best for anyone other than myself. Thus, you don't usually find me cheerleading someone to go ahead and physically transition. Nor will you find me trying to undermine your experience. What works, if something works, for the individual is satisfying to me.

I don't feel competent enough to make some all-encompassing solution or definition of real, better, best, false and evil, etc. Those lie past my abilities and so, I try not to venture there.

If this path of yours is working for you, then I fervently wish that it will continue to do so and that you will attain the peace and comfort of living simply as yourself. For, in the last analysis I cannot discover a better way for any of us to live.

Best,

Nichole

Hi Interalia,  You know there is no wrong answer.  we are all different and finding the path to who we are is different for everyone.  Oh and don't let anyone  ever say transitioning is easier then not, cause it ain't so.  It's just after the first nine lazer hair removal treatments and several hundred hours of electro that our pain centers go numb and it seems easier.

For me I hid my GID for a long time by cutting it off... period.  I was a guy Dam it.  Well one day a few years ago I did a public workshop day with something called IA (Intergrated Awareness) which has a bit of feldenkrist movement "stuff" in it and a wee bit more.  Part of it was to divide the body to left and right side movements with right side being male and leftside being female.  Me I spent the day on the floor not moving as I only had once side.  I thought I did not get it but a few days latter the walls came down and well here I am. 

With all that said, I actually recommend that you not transition if you can avoid it.  Sounds like your on the right path ,that fit's who you are now.  Best of luck to you

Beni

This lifestyle and mindstyle is something that affects us all differently, isn't it?  It's a strange beast and both fortunately and unfortunately, every person has a different way to handle it.

So, I'm going to rant and hope it gives a tiny bit of insight.  :p

I can really only piggyback off of what other people have said, but because I can sort of relate to your situation; I think the most important thing for all of us isn't to decide whether or not we should have been male or female, but rather to decide where in the grand gender sphere we belong, and to nurture that as best we can. 

Interestingly, after reading this thread, the word "transition" seems almost restrictive to me...like its only from one point to another point.  But we should find the area, even if its in the middle or off to one side, that its supposed to make us feel most comfortable.

Now, what's really difficult is separating what is best for us emotionally and what's best for us in regards to society.  As someone who's true self is very much closed off to the life I currently lead, I've had some big self-analysis admissions that's trying to figure out if what I want to be IS what I want to be, and how much of it is influenced by what I think is BEST for me.  But ce la vie.

Being yourself is more important that being just male, or female.  Find the best endpoint that works for you, and follow it.    I'm rooting for you.

I am glad you have discovered the real explanation for your condition. The rest of us will have to find our own solutions as it affects everyone a little differently.

In my humble opinion the true answers come (at least for me) when the answers don't matter anymore. When being either was ok and I just wanted to know the real truth. When I completely surrendered to it and stopped challenging things, the real answers came into focus. You can't hide from yourself there's nowhere to hide.

As Telka said not focusing on it is fine, but as I've said before eventually you run out of things to keep busy with and you fine out you've wasted your life keeping busy instead of living it to its fullest. Over the many years of keeping busy I tried everything and am to the to the point where only two things could occupy my mind to the point where I had some peace. Gambling and flying. When you get to this point you will wish you transitioned. It's a lot cheaper.   

       

Quote from: jilledwards on May 03, 2009, 08:28:51 PM
As Telka said not focusing on it is fine, but as I've said before eventually you run out of things to keep busy with and you fine out you've wasted your life keeping busy instead of living it to its fullest. Over the many years of keeping busy I tried everything and am to the to the point where only two things could occupy my mind to the point where I had some peace. Gambling and flying. When you get to this point you will wish you transitioned. It's a lot cheaper.   

     

Well the trick is not to intentionally not focus on it.  I mean that is how it starts in order to start practicing altering ones focus, however eventually it becomes something you don't have to force yourself not to focus on.  It takes work though learning to make associations that were once antagonistic to my GID to something less negative.

From my own perspective I don't really see the point of torturing myself. I mean, surgery aside, which is like pulling off a band aid - sore and then it's gone - transition is only a pain from a social point of view, and that same pain - alienation, rejection, judgement etc. you're gonna get from people whether you transition or not, for various reasons. In that regard, society needs to change, not us.

If not transititioning works for a person, that's awesome, and let's be honest, I probably could have survived without transition, maybe even built a happy life, but I would not have BEEN happy. It takes alot of energy to deny oneself, and now that I am transitioning all that energy has been freed up towards other, more important stuff.

My internal sense of myself is female, despite me maybe leaning a bit towards and androgyne frame of mind and a fairly tomboyish personality, and to deny that part of myself seems, to me anyway, to be rather pointlessly painful.

Mina.

QuoteIf not transititioning works for a person, that's awesome, and let's be honest, I probably could have survived without transition, maybe even built a happy life, but I would not have BEEN happy. It takes alot of energy to deny oneself, and now that I am transitioning all that energy has been freed up towards other, more important stuff.

This.

I hope your strategy of compromise and willing your GID away works out for you Interalia.  I've seen and read all these stories of people who have pushed transition out of their minds only to have it creep back into their lives repeatedly until they transitioned.  It happened to me, as well.  I could write a skeptical or cynical remark about your technique, but I won't.  What I will say is that given all the testimony we've all heard, know that this probably isn't over.  Go on and live your GID-free life, but try not to get railroaded if/when it all comes back.