I used to hate those parts down south and I still do. As a child, it was the source for all pain. Somehow I knew that it wasn't supposed to be there and that I was a girl with an extra part that didn't belong. My story goes tragic which I rather not say just how. But it wasn't until I had a bilateral orchidectomy that I began to live in some form of comfort.
For me, I cannot date and choose not to be in a relationship and I find myself depending upon other to fill empty spots that most seek out in significant others. The very sight is no longer gruesome to me. But, it's a major hindrance to my social life. I feel trapped in a universe where I'm not allowed to socialize with others that walk around me each day. I cannot smile back at the gentleman that holds the door open for me. I fear too much that it will lead me down a road that I don't want to take. I've been down that road before and it only leads to disappointment.
I still wake up each morning praying to God that he not take my life before I've had the chance to experience freedom from the torment that others call heaven. It's not heaven for me, it's a living Hell. But for once I see light is beginning to shine through as my freedom is approaching on July 10th, 2009. For once I can open my eyes and know that God heard my prayers when I was 4 years old asking him to put the right parts on me. It won't be long now before I'll be able to smile back at the gentlemen who holds the door open for me and tells me how pretty I look.
Just last night I had the most wonderful dream. I dreamed that met my soul mate. He was wonderful. He was more than I ever could ever hope for in a man. He was tolerant and able to deal with a girl born with AIS and forced to live her life as a male until surgery. The dream was so real that I could feel his kisses, the way he held my hands across the table as we sat for dinner. I could see into his eyes and for once in my life, I felt like a princess. All my pain was gone. It didn't exist anymore and I could hear the voice of God whisper in my ear, "Jasmine, you can feel now."
I'm holding my tears back as I write because I have so much pain in life because of this condition that I was given at birth. But if my story can be read by someone who knows what I'm going through and what I went through and it can provide a ray of hope to them, then sister you hang in there. Keep praying for comfort because I did. God has answered my prayers after 33 years of suffering, pain, heartache, strife, loss of loved ones and family and almost total self destruction. These words you read is because the will of God would not let me self destruct. He has brought me through and he can bring other through also.
Jasmine
