My name is Andrea. I am almost 39, M2F transgendered, and it's killing me.

I find myself a little on edge tonight. I would have transitioned in the 80's if I had believed anyone would have helped me. I have spent the last ten years recovering from the breakdown that resulted from my initial attempt to transition in the late 90's, and tonight I got blindsided by the airing of three transgender programs on Discovery. One, Transgender MD, prompted me to fire up the computer and google my way to this forum.

I am severely transgendered, to the point where the pretense of being a man drives me regularly over the edge into a complete nervous breakdown or dangerous flirtation with self mutilation, and, well, that has never been a good thing. I have spent my life destroying myself to appear normal enough to get through the day. I pay for it most nights. Most of all, I pay for it by achieving nothing for all my effort. I've literally turned myself inside out to make less than I need to survive, almost every day of my adult life. I've gone so far beyond the point where I could have killed myself... that was the day I first read the standards of care.

It broke me but I tried to follow them. By the time I had asked for help, I was too damaged to do what was required to get it. I still don't understand how I can be too strong to kill myself but too fragile to function on my own. I tried to do better. I sacrificed transition hoping to strengthen my foundation, slowly, painfully, pulling my life more together, living on my own, supporting myself (barely!) while acquiring an Associate's Degree in Business and pursuing a Bachelor's Degree in Information Technology for Visual Communications. Unfortunately, my income has been so limited I have not been able to afford therapy, let alone any of the other expenses of transitioning. I've been at a stand still. Tonight, I found myself forced to confront the fact that I will not survive much more of this.

I am currently in Anchorage, AK, lured up by a job and the possibility of mutual support (a transgendered person I had become close to online) only to have the job opportunity vanish into thin air and, well, somehow, the support evaporated as well. She is caught up in a child custody conflict and concerned about what would happen if we shared an apartment (with or without transitioning). I was able to find a job and get an apartment, then began temping at higher paying jobs, but because of the instability I've been through, chronically, my resume is no asset for finding real jobs. I may have a shot at a job by way of a temp assignment--I'm a solid and talented worker when my brain is not in the process of imploding--but on the off chance that falls through, the only hope I have is that I get another temp assignment right away.

If not. Well...

Things are looking pretty scary right now. But, that's kind of the story of my life! Trying to transition in 1998-1999 left me homeless and with stitches in something I never should have had in the first place! I have to laugh, though. I kind of have to sigh, too. It took a long time to learn how to say these horrible things so openly and so simply. I used to kill myself trying to make people like me and to make them believe I was happy, healthy and normal. Now, I look at the tragic joke of my life and laugh. I cry a little and then I take a deep breath and keep moving forward because I am not dead yet. I'm scared, alone, afraid I will never escape from the trap I am in, and have no idea what to do if I ever do; but I am not dead yet.

I'm barely surviving... and that's just not good enough. As strong as I am, this condition is STILL tearing me apart. It's more than I can handle, and much, much more than my friends and family could handle. Even the ones who would still welcome me on the other side find the reality of where I am now inconceivable.

If only it was....

Anyway, I thought I should do a little screaming before I went over the edge. 

Hi Andrea:

Yes, your story is sadder than some (sadder than mine anyway), but I think many here can relate to it and duplicate the main features for themselves.

You can depend here on good support from a distance here. You may have to be more self-reliant if there is no local support from real people. Are there any support groups around you?

To do the job properly, you really should start with a therapist. Some of them can be quite inexpensive. Some therapists have interns who are finishing their qualifications for MSW. Some therapists have sliding scales.

Don't hurt anything that you will later cherish once it's been properly transformed.

Welcome to Susan's and good luck.

Hello

Firstly welcome and take a deep breath. You have found friends who know exactly what you have been through are going through and what the future may be like. I'm in Australia and cannot really give advice in the USA but others will.  Try to stay calm. As you know this can all be very scary. Step one is that you take control of your life. It is not anyone elses. Being TG is horrble but it is not a crime and help is available. We can be taken advantage of because we are so dependent upon out frayed emotions.
SElf mutilation and thoughts of suicide are not unusual but do not help. You sound clinically depressed and if these thought continue go to an ER and talk to a medic. Tell them that you are very depressed and are having bad thoughts. They will not lock you up. There are many medications that help depression. I know I'm on one, it worked literally overnight. Once yo can overcome that hurdle the rest of your life is yours.

May I suggest you start by listing what your strengths and weakness's are. You need somewhere to live and money to live on. You have a big advantage that you are skilled and educated. Where would be a place to best use those skills? List them. I take it that family help is no go. Do you have any friends (besides us ) that you can call on and tell them it's just for a short time, and make sure it is.
Start planning where you want to be in a month, six months etc. Keep the plan managable. It's important that you develop a direction in life. One step at a time is fine. You sound as if you are circles at the moment. Having a panic attack.

You are not alone, you are not a freak, you are not some sort of sick bunny. You are a woman who has been placed into the wrong physical body. There are many of us. both MtF and FtM. Please try and stay calm and think what I have said. There may well be a local TG group where you are and they can provide incredible support. If you can access the internet and you obviously can search for TG and where yo are. Call them. Many of these groups have "rescue services" that can help you immediatly, don't panic if they don't. Gay and Lesbian support services are also a place to get help. Many of these services can suggest help with accomadation and some times employment.

Smile, chin up, boobs pushed out. You have found a new family that will love and support you.

My Love and Support from Australia

Cindy James, who has also been there and fortunately failed to do that.

OK Andrea, take a deep breath.  Breath in, breath out.  Repeat.

Being TG can be terribly lonely, but actually there a lot of us.  And more and more, non-TG people are accepting.  I thought long and hard about tranisitioning in the early 80's but finally decided I wasn't ready yet and the world wasn't ready yet either.

CindyJames is right.  Get help.  You sound like you are depressed.  Go to the ER and tell them you keep having thoughts of self-mutilation and suicide.  Try to find a counselor or support group.  Maybe the ER people can point you in the right direction.  Many providers have sliding-scale or do pro bono work.  The local GLBT group can be a resource.  They may have a hotline.  It is very scary living in your own head all the time.  (I know.)  Get help.

One step at a time.  Breath in.  Breath out.  Repeat.

Let us know how you're doing.

*hugs*
Kate

Hi Andrea,

You're not alone hon. A quick Google search of "Anchorage Alaska" and "transgender support" comes back with several results- there are several possibilities that look promising.

Even in the little podunk TN town where I was raised they had psychological counciling available through the county health department- it was on a sliding scale depending on your income and if you had no income then it was free. You might check and see if there is a similar program available where you are.

You are hurting and feel abandoned. I know that feeling well. It sounds like you are tenacious though, and not ready to give up, which is what it takes for all of us getting through this. You have friends here who understand what you're going through; you don't have to do this alone anymore.

blessings and hugs,
Chloe

*hugs* Welcome.

hi andrea,

we all understand. i know i was like that for a while...still am, so when i'm "about to do something dumb" i jump on here. knowing i'm not alone and that people understand is a big help.

welcome to susans! i hope it brings the support you need!!!!

Hi Andrea,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2230 strong.  That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html
• Standard Terms and Definitions https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html
• Post Ranks https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.

We all do what we must to. .First, survive.   Second, Transition.  Transition is hard enough without the fight for survival.  We are here when you need us.
Janet

Welcome to Susans Andrea!

Jay

Hi Andrea and welcome, like others have said sit down and take some deep breaths and try to relax, I'm 57 years old and if i tried to transition or even tell my parents in the 60's and 70's i would have been locked up, so i did the only thing i could do to survive and that was to keep Paula suppressed, well in 2008 the dam broke and i had to let her out or end things, lucky these times are more favorable to those of us that transition.

I live in Cleveland, Oh and my local LGBT center has a transgender group that meets once a month, so check with them about housing and job placement. We also have therapists that go by a sliding scale.

HUGS!

Paula.

Ah, sigh....

Thank you, everyone, for the welcome, encouragement and words of wisdom. I managed to keep my head through several hard years of, well, long dark nights of the soul. I have to be honest, a day when I feel merely depressed is a good day. It's the high point of my emotional scale, sad and disturbing as it is to say. I pull myself together to get through the day, but the toll it takes on me... day after day... I get to a point where I'm too numb to function. I just can't take it anymore. I've been killing myself trying to just get on my feet but no matter how hard I work... the hole I keep trying to climb out of just keeps getting deeper. It is infuriating, and that is much more dangerous than depression. That... I can't bottle up my fury and outrage at a situation that is insanely unfair.

I do not let myself get angry or upset, because I learned the hard way that it is what causes me to lash out against my body. I do get angry though, because I need stability to earn money to pay for the help I need to become stable enough to earn the kind of money needed to transition. The worst thing of all is knowing that I work so hard every day, and it's all for nothing. It costs too much to survive.

I have spent ten years working on this problem, and I am tired.

I know there are no simple answers, but I hope that I can hold on long enough to find what I need to escape from this circle of hell. Last night, and tonight, I need to be screaming frantic, here, so I can stop doing it in my head. I need to find a direction to move in that gets me off this slippery slope, lets me take real steps forward.

I am strong, I work hard, I have enough skill at just about anything to be able to make a comfortable living.
I am fragile, and my confidence is so torn to pieces... and I'm so scared of what I want it can be paralyzing...
I hope I find friends and support, I hope I can set myself free!

I hope I still have enough in me to survive surviving this.

Hi again Andrea,
One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One minute at a time.  Work on one thing at a time. 

I have a distant relative who lived on the streets of New York for 20 years and now is fine.  When things are bleak for me, I think of him and I know that things can get better eventually if I just hang in there.

Set small goals for yourself.  Work on what you can work on and try not to trouble yourself with the rest.  I know that's very hard (I know) but you can do it.  It sounds like you have the skills to make it through. 

And it sounds like you are strong enough to fight off your demons.  They're trying to take you down but you're stronger than they are.  I know you get tired of fighting them off, but you can do it.  The fighting makes you stronger.  And tomorrow, next week, next month you will be controlling them instead of them trying to control you.  Keep fighting.

Hang in there.  And let us know how you're doing.

- Kate

Thank you, Kate,

You pretty much described my life over the past decade. One thing at a time! Also, I do pay attention to the trials other people are going through. My sister lives in constant pain from a back injury, and there was a time when it was too much for her, but she overcame her addiction to pain killers, changed her life, found a job she loves working with animals, and she had been doing very well. Most important, she did the hard part almost entirely on her own.

At the moment, I am focused on finishing school and finding a job I would be able to keep through transition. I had intended to focus on my writing and art, because they are both things I can do very well, but it takes time to get an artistic career going and work and school have left me with little free time. For now, I just work on trying to build up my portfolio, posting work online (I have to check to see if I can post a link to my deviantart, wordpress or fictionpress accounts, for anyone interested in seeing what I've done) and scratching away on one of the dozens of stories I've started over the years.

The most difficult part of all is worrying that I am physically not a good candidate for hormones or SRS. I am not as concerned about the possibility of not passing as long as I can transition fully. I am concerned that fifteen years of smoking put me at risk of heart disease. It was hard not to smoke when I believed that transitioning was hopelessly beyond my grasp. During those dark days, I did not expect to live long enough for it to matter. I hope I don't pay too high a price for that lack of faith.

I did look online to see what local support was available, and I plan to follow up in person. At the moment, I have a good reputation with my temp agency, so while I dread the periods without work, I am glad for the work I can get. I am hoping I will get a job I applied for. The interview went well and I believe it is a job that will help me move forward. I guess it was pretty natural to focus on what would happen if things do not work out, and to panic.

I have a long way to go before I am "okay" and I've had to deal with all of this pretty much on my own. I am amazed at how much I've been able to do on my own, actually, but I know there are parts I cannot deal with alone. I just... got so focused on that "one step at a time" I forgot to look for the kind of help I can get from my trans brothers and sisters.

Now that I am doing something about that, I can take that deep breath and calm down.

Hi Andrea,
It sounds like you're doing better.  It's a long haul, and even with lots of support it can be a lonely process.  In my experience, the more connections you make, the easier it becomes.

I wouldn't worry about whether your smoking hurt you too much.  (I know.  I tend to be a worst-case scenario kind of person, too.)  Worry about that later.  You know you can't transition as a crazy person, so you need to get your life in some semblance of order before you can begin.  You need a strong foundation on which to build the life of the woman you know you can be.

One step at a time. 

*hugs*
Kate

It is amazing how pessimistic I can get, because at the core I'm a pretty optimistic person. It is because of that inner optimist that I can manage to get through everything. The stuff that drives me crazy is always going to drive me crazy, but most of the time I have a sense of humor about it, or at least a highly refined sense of the absurd! It is the unrelenting nature of this condition that wears me down and pops all my psychic fuses. There are days when good advice makes me scream, when I cannot bear to hear "one step at a time" because I can tell I am stuck on a treadmill, not actually going anywhere. On the other hand, treadmills would not exist if people did not get something out of them. Perhaps I'm just building up the endurance for when I will really need it to get through all the hurdles of transitioning. Who knows?

Quote from: avmorgan on May 06, 2009, 10:25:04 PM
There are days when good advice makes me scream, when I cannot bear to hear "one step at a time" because I can tell I am stuck on a treadmill, not actually going anywhere. On the other hand, treadmills would not exist if people did not get something out of them.

Yeah, I hate that, too.  I find I say it a lot, but when people say it to me it is usually when I don't want to hear it.  How about "This too shall pass."

I think the thing that got me through a lot of tough times was that I always knew things could get better and probably would, that if I just managed to keep from doing something really stupid, things would get better some day.  I mean, they had in the past so why would they stop doing that in the future?

There's the aphorism: What doesn't break us makes us strong.  Like most aphorisms, there is an element of truth in it. 

The woman who played the first Bess in Gershwin's Porgy and Bess changed his thinking about that character.  Originally, Gershwin thought of Bess as a rather superficial character.  This woman (I forget her name) convinced him that even though Bess was a woman she could be tough.  So be tough, woman!

A refined sense of the absurd will get you through a lot of crap.

*hugs*
Kate