Okay, so, I have these thoughts have been kicking around in my head for about a week now that I want to get down and out, and discussed so that I can work it out and stuff.  However, I don't wanna sound like I'm seeking attention so here goes:

Has anyone ever, in being transgendered, lost track of what's what in their personas?  I mean like, I'm in the closet about this, and this has caused a sort of split... like there's a girl me and a boy me, and right now they both exist, but I know that one shouldn't.  But I've been indoctrinated and lived as a male my whole life, so there's a lot of stuff about being male that almost comes naturally just from being raised that way, but there's a lot of stuff that seems wrong too.  My female identity is half assembled, and I'm starting to realize that I look for her in everybody I date (which is problematic, especially when one ex totally called me on it) but it's still really strong.

I'm rambling.  The point I'm driving at here is that I can't always tell what's real and what's fabricated in my personality anymore.  My male identity runs into my female identity, but they're distinct at the same time.  If a trait of mine is congruous through both genders, I know it's genuine, but when a trait's incongruous it causes confusion.  In that, I've been lying so much for the past couple of years that I've started to believe myself, and now I'm realizing that and I can't be sure what's the truth and what's a lie anymore.  Within myself, not the world.  In the outside world I just assume everybody's lying to save themselves.  Rambling again.  But yeah... I've lost a lot of my sense of who I am, and the lying and stuff has apparently had a really negative effect on my psyche.

Anybody else experience this?

In retrospect I guess I did experience this. For thirty plus years I tried to live two lives, one in public and the other mostly in my head. It got to the point that I found my feminine side kept trying to assert it's self over my male side. I was always looking for ways to "let slip" little things here and there. I guess my inner girl was screaming to come out.

That is exactly what I've been doing.

it happens to me mainly when i'm trying to repress the male side of me...the side that i truely am. which is usally when i'm around family and friends that don't have a clue as to how i feel.

My fem. persona came very natural for me  All my life I've been told to "Quit acting like a girl"  The problem was that I wasn't acting, I was just being myself  I had to learn how to act like a man    That's when the acting started  But, even when I was doing rather manly stuff people would comment that I needed to start acting like a man  Well I got tired of acting. I'm also glad that I let the girl in me take more control. She's a much more responsible and nicer person 

QuoteHas anyone ever, in being transgendered, lost track of what's what in their personas?  I mean like, I'm in the closet about this, and this has caused a sort of split... like there's a girl me and a boy me, and right now they both exist, but I know that one shouldn't.  But I've been indoctrinated and lived as a male my whole life, so there's a lot of stuff about being male that almost comes naturally just from being raised that way, but there's a lot of stuff that seems wrong too.  My female identity is half assembled, and I'm starting to realize that I look for her in everybody I date (which is problematic, especially when one ex totally called me on it) but it's still really strong.

I'm rambling.  The point I'm driving at here is that I can't always tell what's real and what's fabricated in my personality anymore.  My male identity runs into my female identity, but they're distinct at the same time.  If a trait of mine is congruous through both genders, I know it's genuine, but when a trait's incongruous it causes confusion.  In that, I've been lying so much for the past couple of years that I've started to believe myself, and now I'm realizing that and I can't be sure what's the truth and what's a lie anymore.  Within myself, not the world.  In the outside world I just assume everybody's lying to save themselves.  Rambling again.  But yeah... I've lost a lot of my sense of who I am, and the lying and stuff has apparently had a really negative effect on my psyche.

QuoteIn retrospect I guess I did experience this. For thirty plus years I tried to live two lives, one in public and the other mostly in my head. It got to the point that I found my feminine side kept trying to assert it's self over my male side. I was always looking for ways to "let slip" little things here and there. I guess my inner girl was screaming to come out.

Yes, absolutely, I think (or I'm fairly certain) it's one of the reasons I'm having so much trouble sorting out my thoughts now. I suspect I'm the other way around, the girl me is the one everyone sees and the boy me is the one wandering around upstairs, banging on the attic door with ever-increasing desperation to be let out, but yes, I certainly know what you mean. After a while it gets to the point where you've been living so long as your true self in your head, with your own imagined appearance and so on, that it becomes hard to see how you'd *really* be if you transitioned, which makes the decision to do so all the more difficult, because what you've imagined probably won't be the case in reality (e.g. mental Will is about 5'8, whereas physical girl-to-the-rest-of-the-world Will is only 5'2, and I can't really see anything short of going to Russia to have my legs broken altering that ). But yes, what starts initially as a sanity-saving, well-being self-preservation sort of thing ends up being not quite so sanity-saving, and, what's more, a not-quite-so-sanity-saving thing that becomes very hard to give up and/or change.

That said, though, there are definitely some aspects, which, as you said, Jester, are the same/overlap. When I write, for instance, be it an essay or Facebook or whatever, it's Will writing, me, not my female portrayal. When I'm with my close friends and family I try to make sure that boy-William doesn't make an appearance (although it doesn't really matter as much as it did, most of them know anyway), but when I write to them there's no pretense, it's just me as I am. Which makes a very nice change indeed.

That's funny because I'm 5'8" for reals, and about 5'2" in my head.

Anybody have any advice on how to deal with this kind of dilemma? 

Give yourself a spanking after every time you go potty. If that doesn't work, hang upside down in a tree with your legs over a branch. Swing back and forth awhile and giggle. When your ready to get off the tree, flip over and land on your feet. The tree will smoke a cigarette and thank you.

Oooohhhh now Virginia stop it

What?

Your being silly again

I know, but I can't help it sometimes 

Virginia...I think you need a cigarette after that post! 

Quote from: Jester on May 08, 2009, 08:01:49 PM
That's funny because I'm 5'8" for reals, and about 5'2" in my head.

Anybody have any advice on how to deal with this kind of dilemma?

The height or the personae? 

Height-wise...5'8" isn't all that tall.  I know a lot of girls who are that height and taller, so I wouldn't worry about that.

As for your personae...it's normal.  I say let them be.  They are a part of you and every part of you is important.  Once you outgrow them, they'll disappear on their own.