this is normal, right? Tell me this is normal.

I'm having the biggest most annoying mood swings ever. One minute i'm happy and fine, the next i'm shedding floods of tears and wishing i was dead.

Right now i'm phasing through the latter. Actually wondering if i get to the end and i'm still not satisfied. I'll never be a guy, i'll never have working equipment and i would have wasted the biggest part of my life trying to become something thats only second rate. Is it all going to be worth it?

This depression seems to be fluctuating quite a lot lately and i am surprising myself with thoughts of suicide. It scares me because i actually love life (or at least thats what i keep telling myself). No, i am not suicidle. But my brain just keeps going... maybe i should? Maybe i should just end it and be done with it cos i'm only going to suffer more down this road of self-hatred. Why suffer? Why not just free myself of this burden?

No! No bloomin way! (my god that was such an english thing to say).

But then my mood pics up just when i feel i should go docs and i think... i dont need a doc, i'm fine. All they'll do is put me on prozac anyways and shove me out the door and tell me i'll be fine in a few week. I dont need a doc, i'm fine, honest.

I'm damn sick of it all. Tell me this is not going to last. Tell me everythings guna turn out ok and i'll be fine soon. Really... everythings guna be good soon and i'll get to that place i've wanted to be and be proud i made it all the way. Will i get there?

Does anybody got a gun? (feels like having a true Fight Club moment). Get rid of the crap in my head by blastin the feckers out.

Jonjon, it's not going to last mate, honest. The place you're in right now - the waiting for something to happen - is probably the toughest time of transition; when you know what you need but it still seems so far away. But hang in there mate, you will get there.

And the chances are that once you get a bit further down the road, you'll stop having the mood swings, and the depression will ease off, or stop entirely. You will get there, you'll be able to be proud of yourself, to hold your head up high and show the world what a strong man you are, and feel happy in yourself. Don't be thinking that you'll never be a guy because of surgery techniques - you already ARE a guy, you just need to align your physical characteristics with the rest of you. And yes, although surgery techniques aren't perfect yet, it won't make you a second rate man.

Stay strong fella, you WILL get there.

There will come a time when you are just living your life as a guy and forgetting that you are different from other guys for a majority of the time. You won't think of yourself as second-rate or less-than; just a guy.

Flameboy's right. The time when you're waiting for stuff to happen and trying to get there is the hardest part. You'll be ok, Jon.

Dennis

Other people have already said what I wanted to as far as comforting you.  I went through some similar stuff, but I'm way happier now.  People's perception of me as male really helps versus being thought of as a woman every time I go somewhere.

Anyway.  Likely once you start hormones things will calm down a bit.  I don't know about other people on this forum, but estrogen made me a hot, moody mess.  I still have issues on T because I'm a black hole for mental health problems, but it's so much better than it was.  Estrogen just made me cry all the time.  I could cry over losing a shoe.

I hope things start looking up and that things get under way for you soon.  I know the hardest part of transition for me was waiting to get on Testosterone after I knew I was going to do it.

Once things get moving again, you'll be forgetting you feel this way.

I guess waiting is not your thing. You must be a true man of action. 

(I just had an image of you jumping out of a moving car while shooting at somebody) 

[quote

Quote from: Rebis on May 12, 2009, 07:47:11 PM

(I just had an image of you jumping out of a moving car while shooting at somebody) 

i have a book that tells me how to do that lol

And as i expected, i'm all fine and dandy today :-/  My last episode of this was 2-3wk ago. So i guess i can presume another post like this at the end of May? Until then, crying over my dinner last night has already been long forgotten and this is exactly why i find it so damn difficult to get my hiney to the docs for it. But i guess another phone call to the GIC's secretary is in order. Yes i am a man of action, sod waiting! Why wait? lol

Quote from: Flameboy on May 12, 2009, 05:04:03 PM
Jonjon, it's not going to last mate, honest. The place you're in right now - the waiting for something to happen - is probably the toughest time of transition; when you know what you need but it still seems so far away. But hang in there mate, you will get there.

And the chances are that once you get a bit further down the road, you'll stop having the mood swings, and the depression will ease off, or stop entirely. You will get there, you'll be able to be proud of yourself, to hold your head up high and show the world what a strong man you are, and feel happy in yourself. Don't be thinking that you'll never be a guy because of surgery techniques - you already ARE a guy, you just need to align your physical characteristics with the rest of you. And yes, although surgery techniques aren't perfect yet, it won't make you a second rate man.

Flameboy, this actually helped me alot. Thanks.

well, some good news at least.

I received a very random email from dr Kevan Wylies secretary and after calling up and being passed around like last nights turkey dinner, it's 90% certain i MIGHT have an appt booking in 8wk time. Thats a MIGHT btw... surely they should know if they're guna book it for me or not... but it seems they have to think about it.

Eight weeks? Is this to see the psychiatrist/therapist for the first time? Here I was bitching about my appointment being moved up 5 days. Can you not tell the doctor to make a firm appointment for you?

The waiting is hard. Excruciatingly hard. I know what you're going through.

it's the first time with the nhs. The second time for me though as i paid myself for the initial appt. If i wanted to see him sooner, i'd have to pay out of my own pocket, but then that would screw up the nhs waiting list and would more than likely cause more confusion further down the line and thus delay things further. So i'm better off waiting and getting the service for free.

There's really only one situation where I think of myself as different than any other guy...   when I see how they treat women.   

when I see how they treat women.

One, most of the men I know treat women pretty well. 

Two, the use of the world 'they' there is pretty telling.

Quote from: Mister on May 13, 2009, 01:05:35 PM
There's really only one situation where I think of myself as different than any other guy...   when I see how they treat women.  

Oh yes I hear that!

Jon its a shame that your PCT takes so long, you have been waiting for god knows how long now. I do feel for you buddy. But it doesn't seem like it now but time does fly. It really does.

Jay

Quote from: tekla on May 13, 2009, 01:08:33 PM
when I see how they treat women.

One, most of the men I know treat women pretty well. 

Two, the use of the world 'they' there is pretty telling.

I think that when a person speaks of a group they are not including themself in (i.e. 'any other'), the correct pronoun is they.  Unless you're attempting to call me out on being not male...  which would be hilarious.

Quote from: Mister on May 13, 2009, 01:05:35 PM
There's really only one situation where I think of myself as different than any other guy...   when I see how they treat women.  

Not all guys are like that tho, and it doesn't take a ->-bleeped-<- to separate that boundary. I've talked to the odd one or two that treat women bad.

In an ideal world, we are no different from bio guys. But this is not an ideal world, and no matter how much we wish the world to stop judging, or however much we ignore it, the world will always judge. Life is never going to be fair that way.

And until medical science can get me a working weiner, i'll always see myself as second rate, cos the end result is made to 'look' how it should and not 'work' how it should. Like a telly that has no power. What in the world is that useful for, eh?

Quote from: jonjon on May 14, 2009, 04:18:08 AMAnd until medical science can get me a working weiner, i'll always see myself as second rate, cos the end result is made to 'look' how it should and not 'work' how it should. Like a telly that has no power. What in the world is that useful for, eh?

EWW Who let a GIRL in!!!

Pardon me for intruding, guys.

My B/F is FtoM (typo corrected). He's post-op, meto only. OK, we would both like the size to be a bit larger. But things work, and when he's above me, I'm looking into his eyes, I can feel his firm muscular arms around me, and smell that wonderful man smell.... I just have to wrap my arms and legs around him and things like length are forgotten.

Biology time: only the first two inches of a vagina is really sensate.

ER.... wait a sec... you all know that. Sorry, I keep on forgetting.

And when I say "fully functional" he seems quite satisfied when I give him an Oral examination, so to speak.

Second rate? No. Your unusual medical history means that you have a most unfair advantage, knowing exactly what buttons to press. If you had the usual size too, other guys wouldn't stand a chance.

That may be coming within a decade or two. We can now culture erectile tissue in the labs, and it's certain that sometime within 10-50 years the surgical results will be much better. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Full fertility may not come in your lifetime though. That's a lot, er, harder.

Size does matter. Other things matter more.

Take care,
Zoe

Quote from: ZoeB on May 14, 2009, 05:01:03 AM

My B/F is MtoF. He's post-op, meto only. OK, we would both like the size to be a bit larger. But things work, and when he's above me, I'm looking into his eyes, I can feel his firm muscular arms around me, and smell that wonderful man smell.... I just have to wrap my arms and legs around him and things like length are forgotten.

Sorry, did you mean FTM (female to male)?  If you did, you've made me feel a whole lot better And i aint bothered about being fertile. Thats a plus in my opinion lol

But thank you.

Quote from: jonjon on May 14, 2009, 05:09:13 AMSorry, did you mean FTM (female to male)?

Yes, sorry. *blush*