Last year during some computer downtime I took a break from the rigidity of screenplays and decided to write some prose. And yes, the title comes from the Nine Inch Nails song of the same name; I had it looping as I wrote it. The story is TG/S-related, and probably represents a sort of wish-fulfillment for a lot of us here.
Comments are encouraged. Not many people beat out my internal critic.
Hehe.
A Warm Place
It's a clear August morning. The flowers outside are in bloom, and a cool breeze from the open windows disturbs the mess of papers on my desk. After a restless night without much sleep, I've decided to share the details of my transformation and how I came to be the person I am today.
I'm not going to bore you with the distant past; when I learned who I was, how I came out, when I started taking hormones... Even the person I was back then is dead now. Well, maybe not dead, just another placeholder in the steps I took to change.
It was the autumn of 2042, and I had been on the synthetic hormone regimen for 13 months. I was 25 at the time, and was scheduled for "Reassignment" in January. At one of my appointments with the doctors who would perform the surgery, I was offered a chance to take part in a "revolutionary post-operation recovery program". It was developed during the war to heal the sick and wounded, and now the technology had been passed on to the civilian medical industry. Since I would be the first transgendered person to go through the procedure, I was offered a substantial discount on the treatment in exchange to become their test subject. They told me that the device had saved countless lives during the war, and that there was little to no risk to me. I would have the standard surgery, given a short rest, and then taken to the Recovery area.
It was scarier hearing this in person, trust me.
My doctor advised me that along with drastically reducing my recovery time, the procedure would also feminize my features more so than the synthetic estrogen had already done. Twenty-five years of testosterone had done enough damage to my body, and the chance was now here to undo all of it. Even though there wasn't a "Rita Hayworth" button to push or an "Audrey Hepburn" lever to pull, I'd be more feminine than I could ever hope to be on synthetics.
I thought about it for a moment. If this works for me, then it'll work for other trans people as well. If something unexpected happens, then... well, that's just a risk I'd have to take.
So I said yes. Papers were signed, details were set, and I was on my way.
Over the Christmas holiday I flew south to see my family and tell them what I had planned. My mother was going to fly back with me and stay through my recovery, while my father, concerned but supportive, needed to stay behind due to job responsibilities. My brother and sister-in-law, who finally gave me a niece to spoil, insisted that my mother call them as soon as I was out of the O.R.
Mom and I flew back home the next day. On the plane we talked so much about my future and what this procedure will do for me. I gave her all of the information that the doctor had given me, and it seemed to put her mind at ease a little. Moms tend to worry about things like this, you know. I assured her that everything would be fine, and that we'd go treat ourselves to a day at the spa after I was all healed up.
The day finally arrived, and I had woken up early to make some tea and breakfast. I was sitting at the kitchen table taking off my smaller earrings when Mom came into the room, still in her nightgown.
"What are you doing that for?" she asked.
"Can't have any jewelry on during the Recovery. Even had to take the paint off my toes.." I replied, and wiggled my bare feet in front of her. "And yes, I washed my hands before making breakfast."
"Good girl." She smiled and walked over to the stove, where an omelet was waiting for her. "It's a shame you can't eat anything. You must be starved."
"Are you kidding? If I ate anything right now I'd see it again in a few minutes. I'm..." I paused. "Is it possible to be happy and terrified at the same time?"
She walked over to me and kissed the top of my head. "I think in this case, yes. Don't worry, you'll be fine."
It was strange spending so much time with her. She didn't really understand when I told her I was transgendered almost two years ago, and after that we kind of lost touch for a while. We started speaking regularly to each other a few months ago after she called wanting to know my new sizes. She can be a little strange at times, but I love her. Mom, if you ever get to read this..... Thanks.
Ok, back to business. We arrive at the hospital thirty minutes before the surgery was scheduled, to take care of all the paperwork and meet the doctors again. When I was called back by the nurse, Mom and I said our teary-but-without-any-crying goodbyes, and I was escorted back to a private room. The nurse told me to disrobe and put on a surgical gown, and that the doctor would be in shortly. After what seemed like an eternity later, the surgeon and his assistant walked in and began to run some basic tests: heart rate, blood pressure, that sort of thing. They finished and escorted me down the hall to the operating room, which was filled with so many electronic devices it almost looked like a spaceship. I laid down on the very cold mat while the team of doctors performed some embarrassing pre-surgery procedures, and finally the anesthesiologist came over with her huge needle.
"Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit. I need you to count to ten for me, ok?"
1....2....OW!...3...4...5
I never made it to 10.
I woke up in a haze, and on a gurney being taken to the Recovery area. I heard my mom somewhere near me, crying and asking the doctors if I was ok. Most of the lower half of my body was numb, and my arms were strapped down to the sides of the gurney. Fluorescent light after fluorescent light....
We reached the Recovery room, and my surgical gown was removed. I managed to look down at my body as two men in white suits attached electrodes to me in various areas...it was gone. There was some blood on my legs too, which was wiped clean by the assisting nurses. I heard one of the men in white give an "all clear" command, and I was picked up and slowly carried over to a large circular glass enclosure, surrounded by more incredibly complex machinery. I was placed inside of it and gently leaned up against the back wall. A man in white placed what looked like a small scuba regulator over my mouth and nose, and then double-checked the electrodes to make sure they were on tight. The man left me in the chamber, then closed the glass door and locked it securely. I feel a tingly wetness, and looked down to see the floor of the chamber begin to fill up with this light blue liquid. I tried my best to lift my hand up in protest, but I could barely move. The liquid rose higher until the chamber was filled and I was floating in a sea of sparkling blue....something.
"Natalie, open your eyes." A voice said over the intercom speaker above the chamber.
So I did. I could see a lady with blonde hair in a doctor's coat in front of me. A small stream of blood floated past my face.
"My name is Dr Bennett. I know you're hurting right now, but don't worry. You're doing fine. We're monitoring your diagnostics and everything looks normal. We can begin the procedure immediately."
I do my best to nod, and the doctor walks back to an instrument console.
"Your mother said that you're claustrophobic." She smiled. "Given the circumstances, I'd say you're taking to your current environment wonderfully. Just a few more adjustments and we can begin. Please, try to relax."
I closed my eyes and thought about everything I did to get to this place: the pills, the laser work, the coming out to my family, friends, and co-workers. I thought about my mother, scared and crying in the waiting room. I thought about my brother and his wife. Their new baby girl. Old friends. New loves..
Me. Finally.
Dr Bennett looks up at me from her console, breathes deep, and pushes a large button. There's a strange buzzing sound, then in an instant my world disappears.
I'm not going to sugar-coat this. The pain was incredible. Imagine, if you will, being conscious of your entire body all at once, and all through you flows an unbelievably powerful electric current. Every inch of me was on fire. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. My throat tightened, my eyes burned. My lower half had regained feeling and that alone felt like I was giving birth to the sun. My eyes were wide open, but all I could see was this white light. It was so excruciating...
I don't really remember all of it. The procedure lasted for thirty minutes, but it felt like forever. The burning eventually died down, and the blue liquid (now a murky white) slowly started to drain. I followed it down to the floor, too weak to even take off the breathing apparatus they had placed on me. When the container was empty, the door opened and I was wrapped in a towel and placed on another gurney. Someone gently grabbed my hand.
"Natalie, can you hear me?"
It was Dr Bennett. I tried to nod.
"You did it. The nurses are going to take you to a private room where you'll get cleaned up and can rest for a few hours. You've definitely earned it."
She lets go of my hand, and I could feel all the little vibrations in the gurney as we roll down hallway after hallway. This one was electric, and the quiet hum of the motor was soothing. I open my eyes slightly and the glow from the fluorescents above stings them.
"Try not to open your eyes, Miss." said one of the nurses. "Not 'til we've had a chance to rinse them."
They wheel me into a dark room and remove the towel that was wrapped around me. I hear a clicking sound, and the gurney lowers me down to almost floor level. I was then picked up and put into a bath. My hair was washed, and all of the goo from the Recovery was rinsed off. I tried to open my eyes again, and it didn't burn quite so much. I turned toward one of the nurses and tried to focus my eyes.
"There we go." She said. "Let's see if we can stand up now. There's a nice warm robe waiting for you if you do."
I tried, and was helped up by the nurses. I feel a wonderful warmness surround me, and we walked over to a large bed. They set me down on it and propped my feet up.
"Dr Bennett will be in here shortly to check in on you." one nurse said as they helped me under the blankets. "She's pretty sure you'll be asleep, so don't worry about that. We've got you hooked up to an EKG, so we'll know if anything irregular happens while you sleep. Oh, and your mom wanted you to have this."
The nurse lifted my arm and placed a small stuffed animal next to me. I tried my best to look down at it. It smelled like home, it felt like... Mom, you didn't...
It was Charlie, the bear she gave me the last time I was in the hospital. I was 7, and was having my tonsils removed. A tear ran down my nose and fell on his fuzzy little ear. I closed my eyes and snuggled him close...
The window in my room faced west, and the glow from the evening sun shown through in a wonderful radiance. I woke up, and noticed that Charlie was gone. All I saw was my hand and...my pink nails?
"I was bored." My mother says from the chair opposite my bed. "and you still snore."
"Mom?" I reply.
"How are you feeling?"
"Pretty...good, actually. Wow."
I crawled out of bed and walked over to her. We shared a long hug, and I excused myself to the bathroom. A flick of the light switch, and I could see the reflection of a strange girl in the mirror. I was still wearing the robe the nurses has put me in, so I slowly opened it and let it fall to the floor. I was completely different. My hair had grown a couple of inches, my cheeks had a rosy glow, my breasts were at least one cup size bigger, and hips! Oh my god, I had hips!
I might have squealed slightly.
I looked down to where the major surgery was, and...nothing. Not even a scar. Everything looked perfect, like I was born that way.
My hands and feet were smaller. My legs were shapelier. I was totally and completely different, and it was wonderful.
There was a knock on the bathroom door.
"So what's the verdict?"
I cracked the door slightly and peeked out.
"Don't be such a prude, let me see."
I slowly opened the door the rest of the way and stood there in my goofiest modeling poses.
"Not bad! Your father is finally going to be able to scare away boyfriends... That is, if you ever start dating again."
I picked up the robe and put it back on. "Ok, you've embarrassed me enough. I'll call the doctor and let her know I'm up."
"Already did. She'll be here in a few minutes."
"Ok, thanks. Well, I guess I should probably get dressed then..."
"Natalie," my mother interrupted. "I just want you to know how proud I am of you for having the strength to go through with this. You didn't know what was going to happen, but you went anyway. That took some real bravery, and even though I was terrified the whole time, you must've been ten times worse. I just want you to know that I..."
"Mom, come on... I was so doped up that I really didn't feel anything."
"And you're still a terrible liar." She leaned close to me and kissed my forehead.
The room door opened and Dr Bennett walked in. She performed some basic checkup tests, and after booking a follow-up exam for later that week, I was released with a full bill of health. It's been six years since then, and the Recovery system has helped thousands of transgendered people worldwide, male and female alike. Once the news of my success with the device was made public, my Inbox was filled with questions and requests for television interviews. Needless to say, my life was crazy for a while.
I'm glad to have helped pave the way for people like me to look and feel like their real selves; the people they see inside. Thirty minutes of pain was insignificant compared to that, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Ok, so now it's almost lunchtime, and the bottom of this page is drawing near. I hope you enjoyed this little memoir as much as I enjoyed writing it. It was a time in my life that I'll certainly never forget.
Sincerely,
Natalie Rene D.
