It's been a while since I last logged in... I still don't even feel like a part of this place.

  As of late, I've been embracing my femme self more, letting go of much of the shame and guilt I used to feel, and just embracing all the feelings I've always had. I've even thought from time to time that yeah... I can do it... I can make the changes I've always wanted... but doubt quickly sets in...

   Would I still be able to live the lifestyle I live now? COuld I still cut out a living for myself? Could someone still love me?

I have a girlfriend now.. been together almost 7 months, marking it as the longest I've ever been with anyone. I've talked to her about alot of these things, and she's fine with me dressing like a girl from time to time (mostly just for sexual play), but says she couldn't take me ever getting FFS or anysort of HRT. I really care about this girl, and I don't want to lose her.  And she knows that I feel like a woman loving a woman.. and she knows I have no plans of getting rid of the fleshy bit that lets us have intercourse... and she's turned on by how I look when I'm all femmed up... I think she's just scared that hormones will change me too much and I'll be a completely different person...

   so I'm finding myself standing on the boy side of the fence... wanting so bad to cross over and play in the other side, maybe make my place on both sides.... but then again.. I think it might just be better to embrace the testes .. man-up.. as it were...

sorry for ranting.. I have nowhere else to rant. I don't even know a single other tg person personally enough to talk about this sort of thing.. I just feel so alone in this sometimes and so afraid that if I let myself become what I want, then I'll lose everything and everyone..

thanks for reading...

  

I can say with sincerity that I do understand your dilemma. The conflict, the confusion, the back and forth.

You're fortunate to have a girlfriend who's supportive and understanding. Based on my experience, usually when there's *some* willingness to accept *some* part of us, more usually follows once we make the leap to transition.


Hang in there! Calmer seas are ahead. :-)

*hugs*

--Kelli

Oh rant away thats one reason we're and Susans site exists.  It's not easy being trans.  All I can say is take your time and ponder what you really want to do.  I would also recommend a therapist as a start too.

Also, dispite what some would say,  There is no race to the other side and it's better if you concider everything before going too far. 

Beni

Really you have to sit with yourself and think about what matters most to you, and that has to be hard with all of the emotions that you're going through. Manning up so to speak might leave you hurt though, there are consequences to forsaking this part of yourself, so make sure that whatever you do it isn't putting you deeper in the closet, it is a terrible terrible place to be.

I'm at like... the exact same place Gypsie, except I'm about to become single and I never told my current girlfriend.  (It's not big deal, she's moving away and we can't keep the relationship up.)

I was actually going to make a similar rant today.  So... you're not alone in this. 

Concerning what to do about it?  I've been doing little courage building exercises.  Thinking about telling people... buying stuff from stores in my city but ones I don't normally show my face in.

Then I stress out, and get high instead of dealing with these awful thoughts in my head.

Most recently:

I realized that my need to be female normally starts as a want.  Sort of an itch.   "Gee, I'd like to be wearing my girl clothes" or "That lipstick in my drawer is sort of calling."  And when I scratch the itch, it just comes back stronger.  I've been thinking like "maybe if I don't scratch the itch, it will go away."  Possibly carrying a metaphor too far, but, it's a thought...

Cuz like... I've been feeling lately like, y'know, I didn't ask for this.  And I've got my life, my friends, my family, my academic career, my financial life ain't great, and stuff.  And like, I don't wanna lose my friends, my family (for financial more than sentimental reasons, I must admit,) and I definitely don't want my love life to go to hell, but that's like... a for sure thing when I don't already have that "sure thing."  Then I realize, "This makes me happy, and it motivates my lazy ass..." so it's good for me in a way.  And I can't really sort these thoughts.

And like you, I've been experiencing internal changes and embracing my female side at least internally.  But yeah.... I feel you.

hey, thanks for the inputs...

   I'm always up and down with how I feel about myself, and I'm sure some of you can relate. Some days I'm overjoyed and feeling good about who I am, and others I feel.. well.. not so good.

  My girlfriend has been a great help.. she's been supportive and we've talked alot about things. She's as understanding as I could ever ask for, and I know it's not the average sort of thing you encounter with a boyfriend. But she's willing to stick by me, and that's an immense joy.

  I'm making small changes for myself now... letting my hair grow out, really taking care of my skin and nails, changing my exercise regimen to tone more my more feminine muscle groups. I'm letting certain ego-centered male characteristics, and embracing more of the feminine qualities I've worked so hard to repress.

   one of my biggest fear is my work. I'm not exactly a career professional or anything... I work at Renaissance Faires for a living. some faires I work games, some faires I work in shops. I AM NOT A CARNY. I feel I have to stress this because there is a common misconception that all traveling faire folk are carnies. Rennies (the term for traveling ren-faire folk) are much more artistically centered, do less drugs, and are actually a community.  Every show day, I see thousands of people, and interact with all kinds. I'm afraid being too feminine would affect me work.. i.e. I don't want to make the people I'm selling to uncomfortable. I'm not the most passable boy ever... I'm almost 6'3" and kind of gangly,  But I guess it just depends where I work and my confidence level.