Today has been an emotional day. I graduated from college today after going part time for nearly 10 years. It has taken me quite a while, mostly due to the fact that I had to work the whole time, and due to the years where I was focused on transition in the middle there. A lot of thoughts went through my head today as I sat there waiting to receive my degree.
First, I thought of my mom. She passed away in January of this year. I am the first of my family to ever graduate college and my father, sister, and mother all looked forward to this eventual day. I take solace in that my mother knew that this was my last semester in school before graduation, but still it hurt to know she wasn't there knowing how proud she would have been of me this day. My dad and sister also seemed keenly aware of her absence, holding back tears when her name was mentioned or alluded to. These thoughts heightened my emotional levels, lessening my resistance to further depressing feelings.
Second, I sat in the audience among a sea of my fellow graduates. I thought about my name, the name I was to be called as I crossed the stage, my name birth name, and I started to day dream a bit. What if I hadn't de-transitioned? What if I had remained a girl? I imagined the extra work it would have taken to get ready that morning, what with doing my makeup, hair, shaving, and pinning my graduation hat to my head. I imagined what it would be like to be on the stage and hear my other name called as I walked across the stage. These thoughts were romanticized somewhat by the idea of walking across the stage to my mother and giving her a big hug. She was my biggest fan when I was transitioning - she was the one who knew me the best, the one least surprised when I came out to her, and the one who helped me the most as I made the transition to living as a girl full-time. As such, it is hard to imagine myself as a girl and not imagine her being there. I got taken away in the daydream, and while it was comforting, realizing it represented a reality that didn't occur, I began to feel more saddened.
When I eventually stood to leave the auditorium to meet up with my family, my thoughts were everywhere else other than where they should have been. I met with and hugged my wife, friends, and family who came, and drove to the restaurant where we intended to have a celebratory lunch. In the car I talked to my wife about my feelings, and about the sadness that came. She reminded me that I cannot be sure of how life would have been had I remained a girl and it is best to remember what I accomplished today. She was right, of course, and I started to feel a bit better. I love her very much.
The thoughts have still lingered in my mind as I prepare to go to bed, mostly because this day has been pretty emotional, but I'm grateful to have a place I can write out these feelings with people who understand them. I might have chosen not to transition, but there are still times I think about it, and I still identify and relate to many of you. I love my mother, and I know she would have been proud of me regardless.
Time to focus on the future - the masters degree!
