I've looked through the various articles and such in the Wiki section (and elsewhere), and there is a good deal of information on coming out to family, to parents, friends, etc. and seems geared to dealing with adults of various groups. All good and fine...

But for the life of me I cant imagine how a conversation between me and my 14 year old would go... he has already distanced himself from me after years of poison pumped into him by my ex-wife, and I've done everything I can to take the high road and leave the door open even though he barely speaks to me... he also attends a religous private high school and the whole subject of being TS does not sit well with these folks.

I guess Im afraid that going down this path will undoubtedly slam the door shut the rest of the way with no hope of opening it back up. I can deal with my ex, but I cant combat her total dominance of his mind and spirit. The road is gonna be tough enough dealing with family, friends, my business, etc. In the end though, the one loss I would find tough to handle is the loss of my relationship with him which is already in jeopardy. I suppose rationale would dictate Dillan'esque philosophy "when you got nothing, you got nothing left to lose". But I wouldnt say there is nothing or else he wouldnt even pick up the phone when I do call. I should point out that up until a year ago I was very much apart of his life, and that this chasm has only opened up in the last year. But he has done such an about face... and its been almost a year now.

Ive been talking to my therapist about this, but there are no easy answers. I know he will help me to cope whatever the outcome, but I cant believe I am the only one who has experienced this...

I'm sorry you have to go through this, and it's probably very hard because every situation seems less than perfect. I don't know what to tell you, but I hope you can find a way that works for you *hugs*.

It's quite possible that the distance that has opened up between you has as much to do with his age as it does with your transition.  Teenagers find their parents mortally embarrassing at the best of times, so it's not surprising that he would have some trouble dealing with you at the moment, especially given that the other people in his life (like his classmates) are probably not going to be very supportive about the situation.  The good news is that teenagers grow up.  In time their values usually shift away from "what will everyone think?" to "who can I count on when the chips are down?".  And efforts by one parent to alienate them from the other often backfire.  I hope that with time he will come around, though I realize that's small consolation right now. 

I agree with Jamie.  A good part of this may be his age.  He is also getting signals from his mother and peers that work against you, but he still answers the phone.  Be honest and open with him.  And give him time.  Teenage years are tough for all involved.

Good luck, Stacy.
- Kate

Hi, Stacy.

I feel for your story and empathize more than you can know.

When I was divorced (time one) my oldest daughters were in low single-digits in ages. As they got older we saw one another less and less. I was in Europe for a few years and their mother moved to the wilds of the Pac Northwest after re-marrying.

It was odd though. I'd send letters about every two months. Never got any back, but did get a few returned as "not longer at this address." I discovered that at one time the addy I'd been given was for a bank on the other side of the country from where they lived. That was somewhat startling.

But as they got into their teens we had verbal contact made at their initiative. "Momma and our Dad told us you were queer and bad. I didn't remember anything bad about you. In fact, I've always imagined you as a sort of gallant prince who could somehow someday come and save me." (Her mother had attempted to strangle her when she was 17. She went to live with the step-dad after that as the marriage had broken about a year before.)

Anyhow, when I began transition I spoke with them both. I was living in TN and they were both still in the Pac NW. It was odd for me, telling them with a lot of worry and then how they responded. One, who now lives w/ her financier-husband and three children in Marin County was enthusiastic about the changes. Altho she did later tell me in response to some pics I'd sent of the "product," "wow, you look really good! I was sooo worried about that. I really was hoping you weren't gonna look like a guy and you don't. I am so happy about that."

(O, and all those letters that did arrive? She still ad them and would read them again and again.)

The yoinger one has her evangelical beliefs obtained from a foster-family her mom had placed her with when she was 14. She doesn't think what I did was "right," but she lives with it fairly comfortably.

Both women have made trips to our house and we've seen them and their families a few times. This summer we'll be meeting the oldest and her family for a few days at their Cape Cod "getaway."

I guess my point is that not everything is of necessity going to turn out horribly. Apply understanding and, in my experience, don't subject the children to any bad-mouthing of the other parent. Their lives are not the appropriate battlegrounds for those kinds of wars. I never did and both say now they found that good and that it made them less-inclined to accept as true what they were being told at home.

I hope this all works out well for you and for your son. The pain of those losses and missed time can be excruciating psychically.

Nichole 

My son is 12. I have a pretty good relationship with him now. His mother and I divorced 9 years ago. He lives with me 60% of the time. I am comfortable coming out to everyone but him. I think he'll do fairly well in the end. We have a pretty unconventional house the way it is. But I can see how much the regular teen angst is starting to weigh on him. I hate being one more cataclysm in his life. Crossing that bridge when I come to it. Hang in there Stacy.

Jill

Quote from: Stacy Brahm on May 21, 2009, 11:09:55 PM
I've looked through the various articles and such in the Wiki section (and elsewhere), and there is a good deal of information on coming out to family, to parents, friends, etc. and seems geared to dealing with adults of various groups. All good and fine...

But for the life of me I cant imagine how a conversation between me and my 14 year old would go...

I really wish there were some guidelines somewhere on even where to begin bringing up the subject, and how to approach it and what to explain about it. I have a similar problem but it involves my SO's 13 year old son, not my biological child. Still, the kid adores me and we are concerned not so much how he will take the news, but that his friends may give him a hard time about it. It would be really nice to at least have some idea of how to talk to children on this sensitive issue.

Stacy, I feel for you sweetie and I truly hope things work out for you. I have an inkling of what it must be like, due to my own situation. If I ever come across any good info on this I'll be sure to post it.

Stacy, from what you wrote and from my own experience it seems the biggest problem you have is with the ex, that is if your son has a good relationship with her.

My former wife coddled to my youngest son, gave him everything he wanted and waited on him hand and foot.  Every time I tried to parent him she interfered and told me to leave him alone.  I became the heavy and soon the demon.

When the bomb dropped and my son found out, his mom ran to him to "protect" him.  Even though she knew I crossdressed before we even were engaged, she acted like this was a shocking revalation, feeding off his surprise.  He was 18 at the time and still living at home but stopped talking to me completely.  We would pass each other in the house and he would try to ignore me.  When I said hi he would grunt something.  All the while his mother was soothing his "pain".

When we divorced a year later my son cut off all communication with me.  He wouldn't answer his phone, email or text messages if it was from me.  Four years passed and then he contacted me.  That was last March.  He's still very distant but we talk now.  I saw him for the first time in four years just a week ago.  He's been even more distant since then.

On the other hand is my GF.  The kids don't get along well with their mom, at all.  My GF's son was 14 when she transitioned.  At first he went silent and would only allow occasional text or phone communication but refused to see her.  Last Christmas we brought presents to his house.  He asked I drop them off while my GF sat in the car.  Tears welled up in her eyes as he answered the door that evening.  It was the first time she had seen him in almost a year.

After we left he called to say thanks.  He was really excited about the gifts and they talked for 20 minutes.  She was so nervous and so excited she found it hard to talk.  Little by little they reconnected.  Today they see each other all the time.  He even calls to ask if they can go out and spend some time together.

Two different stories, two different results.  From my perspective it's the other parent who can make or break this.  Everything depends on the relationship between the kids and the ex and how the ex reacts to your transition.  And there's little you can do if they trust their mom and she berates you to the point the kids don't want to talk to you.  Once they cut off communication with you, you are helpless.  I've been there and it sucks. 

As long as he's talking to you keep the lines open any way you can.  And when you feel it's safe to start to talk about your transition, do it in baby steps.  There are no two identical situations.  You know your son better than anyone here and you know the relationships he has.  It's a game of chess you have to be on your toes all the time if you want to win.

Julie

I guess this is the subject that scares me the most about any decision to start transition...

This subject scares me too.

I am pretty sure my son aged 11 and 16 know about my crossdressing, but I am not entirely sure that they know the reason behind it.  I suspect that they know that I want to be a woman, but like little mem they keep it to themselves.

In the past couple of weeks, I have pondered this question on my own.  And I know that coming out to them would be a good thing for me because it would allow me to be more free in my home, more natural...  But how would it affect them?  Thats what bothers me.

Until they begin to discover the need for independence, children see the world through the eyes of their parents, older siblings and other people they look up to.  By far the parents have the most influence on how kids see the world.  If you present them with the facts positively they will see it positively.  But if you have any doubts or guilt they will pick up on that and see being trans as something bad.

If they live in a world that has no problem with trans people, they won't either.  Evaluate the people who influence their lives and you'll have a better idea how your transitioning will be perceived.

Julie

At first i was a little ticked about the younger generation not giving a crap about anything,but then i began to realize,maby this is a blessing in disguise.I mean they just don't care period!.end of story.But anouther question is why do you have to tell him at all?

Quote from: Julie MarieBy far the parents have the most influence on how kids see the world.  If you present them with the facts positively they will see it positively.  But if you have any doubts or guilt they will pick up on that and see being trans as something bad.

I absolutely agree... the problem comes when kids are subjected to conflicting viewpoints from two equally strong parents. If she came off as unsure I would stand a chance, but she is a very strong personality. One of the last things my son said to me in anger was he thought I was weak for giving into her and not fighting back. I never thought I would be judged for taking the high road. The more she drilled into him how I was at fault for who I am, and what I believe the worse it got. His perception of strength and weakness is skewed...

The problem I struggle with now is I dont even have the opportunity to present him with facts. At most all I have is phone contact, and he needs to hear this from me instead of finding out from someone else. As parents we are supposed to be icons of strength to our kids... when that image is shattered its hard to pick up the pieces afterwards.

I know this is something I need to do. And I want to be the one to talk to him myself. I worked so hard over the years to be there for him... I didnt want to be the father who shows up for a birthday and maybe a weekend here and there. I was there for every visitation, every play, every swim meet, every sniffle and yes even in the E.R. at 3am when he had a bad asthma attack. He is not going to have an easy time understanding... but Ive never lied to him, and Im not going to start now...

1)  Talk with him as soon as possible.
2)  Be honest to yourself and to him.
3)  Don't give anybody a chance that your son would hate you.
4)  Tell him that you love him, and that between you and him nothing importand would changed.
6)  Pray, that he understand your feelings.

This would be MY advice in such a situation.