I am a fairly private person.. whenever I view an TG related forum, I am sure to cover my tracks.  The other night, I was doing a completely unrelated search and came to a site that was TG related.

I noticed it was another transitional diary, closed out of the site and went to bed.  My wife waked me later on in the day, and while I was still half asleep she asked me when I was transitioning.  She did not seem angry, sad, or in anyway surprised,.. nor did she seem as though this was an event that would alter our relationship..  It was not a subject that was approached as humorous.  It is as though she had always known how I really am..  and of course I avoided taking advantage of a situation so few are offered.

I am fairly sure my wife knows, as does a lot of my family..  I don't exactly act what is traditionally seen as female.. yet, somehow a lot of them have hinted at it. 

I'm at such a confusing point in my life.  It seems as though, somehow I feel like I should be a girl.. But at the same time, the boundaries of what a woman is and what a guy is are so intertwined I question myself as to what exactly I am.

So, here I am much later in the day.. reflecting back at a lost opportunity.  I am too much of a coward to confront my own self.  I feel as though I live such a twisted lie..  and yet this lie is me.  To unravel it is to completely destroy myself.  Perhaps I should just lay off the beer

Thanks for listening to my post, and my apologies for the poor structure.

Hi Samara, when I first accepted I was a transexxual I told my wife that night and she was quite shocked and pissed. So if your wife is more accepting, prepared, or just plain cool with the idea of transitioning consider it a blessing! And join the club confusion where I happen to be a vip member! 

Well just go to more Transition websites like TS Roadmap and leave that page open on the screen for her to see. Then maybe opportunity will knock again.

You can always say that her question perked your interest as to if and when so you decided to do some research on it

It's wonderful that your wife and others seem to see you more clearly than you see yourself, and they evidently are more accepting of you than you are of yourself.

I really think the first step is to come to terms with it inside yourself.  Once you can figure out what you are, and accept that, your cowardice and feelings of shame and all that other stuff will just disappear.  And then you will be on the road to who you really are.  With luck, those who love you will be glad to help you along that road, but first you need to come to terms with it yourself.

Good luck on your journey!

- Kate

Samara, sounds like your wife and friends have pretty much figured it out, only you haven't accepted it yet. Since your wife seems to know, i would sit down and talk to her about it, then find yourself a gender therapist to help you figure out if transitioning is the right thing for you.

Paula

If the apparent attitude seemed to be one involving humor, it is possible she said that in humor because she doesn't believe you'll ever do it or that it's impossible. 

"So, when are you going to win the lottery?"   

The only way of truly knowing is by having that conversation you've been avoiding.

Julie

There is a chance that you'll win the lottery, all you have to do is play.  The payoff is enormous if you win, and if you lose, nothing changes.

A couple of years ago during a really rough time, my wife asked me if I wanted to be a woman.  I lied to her and myself and said no.  I thought by saying no that I could hide from it, and it might go away.  It didnt go away, and I am in that same rough spot again.  This time it is worse.  I expect that she will ask that question again real soon.

My thoughts are in line with Julie Marie.  When the time is right for the talk, say what you need to.  I wonder how things could be now if I would have said yes.

I am in the same boat.  I don't really know who I am really.  On the one hand you want to be a girl, but there is so much gray area that you don't exactly know how to answer the question "why do I want to be a girl?"  It is great that you found a person that is accepting ->-bleeped-<-, but at the same time I could understand why you avoided your wife even so.  A lot of your traits would be similar as a girl so you keep questioning if you really are a TS.  I probably wouldn't be hugely different as a female, but somehow I think it will make me feel better.  Even doing mundane things such as brushing my teeth or eat.  It took me forever just to accept that the feelings were real.  I kept trying to rationalize why I couldn't be a TS, but the weird part is sometimes I rationalized why I could a be TS.  It is a rather funny thing.  I felt guilty for awhile about not being a "true" transsexual since I didn't feel these feelings all of my life, the way I see it, they somehow came into existence, but I know they are real.  I even avoided talking on a forum like this, due to the fact that I thought I was a fraud and that my trans were less than the others.  You should probably tell your wife to at least have someone to talk to about this so you aren't all alone wth it.  Don't forget to let her know that you still love her and that she did not do this to you by any means.         

You wrote:

"It seems as though, somehow I feel like I should be a girl.. But at the same time, the boundaries of what a woman is and what a guy is are so intertwined I question myself as to what exactly I am."

Femininity is a very VERY wide spectrum. A lot of who I am is a combination of male and female qualities. There are many of us out there like that. There's nothing that says transition is about becoming Barbie. Transition is about becoming US. Whoever "us" may be. Totally femme, totally butch or anything in between. It's about being ourselves.

I know for me... I made the mistake of trying to force myself into a box when I transitioned. I thought that since i was going to be a female, I had to carry myself as the ultimate girly girl. What I found was that wasn't totally who I am.

It takes a lot of time to apreciate who you are and your situation and I dont think for one minuite your wifw has thorght throu this yet. My advice to you mirrors what others have said, find your self a good theropist to talk to, dont make any quick desisions, take your time and when the time is right you will have chance to talk to her.

as far as being a fake, well ive been coming here for 2 years, I feel that I cant transition, so I face a life of longing and depression. I think that I am very femine but stuck in this male body... You get use to it. I HATE IT. But its not the end of the world.

Be yourself find out who you are....

luv lucy

Quote from: lauren3332 on May 26, 2009, 11:09:24 PM
I am in the same boat.  I don't really know who I am really.  On the one hand you want to be a girl, but there is so much gray area that you don't exactly know how to answer the question "why do I want to be a girl?"  It is great that you found a person that is accepting ->-bleeped-<-, but at the same time I could understand why you avoided your wife even so.  A lot of your traits would be similar as a girl so you keep questioning if you really are a TS.  I probably wouldn't be hugely different as a female, but somehow I think it will make me feel better.  Even doing mundane things such as brushing my teeth or eat.  It took me forever just to accept that the feelings were real.  I kept trying to rationalize why I couldn't be a TS, but the weird part is sometimes I rationalized why I could a be TS.  It is a rather funny thing.  I felt guilty for awhile about not being a "true" transsexual since I didn't feel these feelings all of my life, the way I see it, they somehow came into existence, but I know they are real.  I even avoided talking on a forum like this, due to the fact that I thought I was a fraud and that my trans were less than the others.  You should probably tell your wife to at least have someone to talk to about this so you aren't all alone wth it.  Don't forget to let her know that you still love her and that she did not do this to you by any means.         

Quote from: Kelli on May 27, 2009, 12:26:32 AM
I know for me... I made the mistake of trying to force myself into a box when I transitioned. I thought that since i was going to be a female, I had to carry myself as the ultimate girly girl. What I found was that wasn't totally who I am.

I can certainly identify with both of these.  (Perhaps most of us here can.)  I always felt I would be a fraud as a woman just as I was a fraud as a man.  My concept of what a woman is was really too confining.  Once I got started on this path, though, I decided I could be as good a woman as I had been a man but am FAR happier as a woman.

There's a lot of stuff to work through in your head and heart.  That's why you need someone to talk to.  A loving friend (or spouse), but also someone with the training to cut through the BS and help you get pointed in the right direction.

*hugs*
- Kate

Quote from: K8 on May 27, 2009, 06:41:36 AM
I can certainly identify with both of these.  (Perhaps most of us here can.)  I always felt I would be a fraud as a woman just as I was a fraud as a man.  My concept of what a woman is was really too confining.  Once I got started on this path, though, I decided I could be as good a woman as I had been a man but am FAR happier as a woman.

There's a lot of stuff to work through in your head and heart.  That's why you need someone to talk to.  A loving friend (or spouse), but also someone with the training to cut through the BS and help you get pointed in the right direction.

*hugs*
- Kate

For me one of the most freeing things that occurred to me was that I determined that I was going to be who *I* am.  Not what other people thought I should be.

*I* am many things and only one of them happens to be female.  Once I accepted that, I stopped worrying about whether or not I was female enough.  I didn't, and don't, care.

I am true to myself for the first time in my life and "What You See Is What You Get!" 

THAT was the biggest transition I made.

-Sandy

Quote from: Lucy on May 27, 2009, 01:41:28 AM
It takes a lot of time to apreciate who you are and your situation and I dont think for one minuite your wifw has thorght throu this yet. My advice to you mirrors what others have said, find your self a good theropist to talk to, dont make any quick desisions, take your time and when the time is right you will have chance to talk to her.

as far as being a fake, well ive been coming here for 2 years, I feel that I cant transition, so I face a life of longing and depression. I think that I am very femine but stuck in this male body... You get use to it. I HATE IT. But its not the end of the world.

Be yourself find out who you are....

luv lucy

I have to agree with what Lucy says with my 1st year at Susan's coming up....

I can make my life bearable by doing "little things" towards transition, and I am confident enough to go out and shop in my local area as myself... but my "free" time is very limited...

I had a similar chance to "out" myself some years back when my wife found some photos on my PC and realised it was me....then there was a time when she found some clothing... and ..and ..it goes on... 

...Then you look into your wife's eyes and they say NO WAY .... so you stop...and then it starts all over again.

...so I'm still firmly in the closet, and seeing a therapist as my only way of openly discussing my issues with a real person.

I'm thinking of trying to get to a support group, but again this would require more painful lies to cover the time spent...

I'm sure that one day things will just "click" if I don't do something silly first...
...and I will probably be surprised by how many people already knew or guessed...
............ and by then I hope have learnt enough to move on quickly so as not to waste too much more of my life....

With reference to what Sandy said, I think I should have a large sign around my neck that says..

"JUST LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU EXPECT ME TO BE
...AND I WILL PRESENT MYSELF THAT WAY..
...OR DIE TRYING.."

....but for now it's back to the waiting game....



Chrissty

I am sorry to see a lot of pain, angst, misery in some of the stories presented in this thread, and I'd like to offer some food for thought:

1.  Going to a gender-experienced counselor is by far the most important decison you can make.  A counselor can't solve your problems but will help YOU decide who you really are.  (See our Medical Links for lists of counselors by location.)

2.  If you discover that you really are a woman, it won't have anything to do with shoes or lingerie or dresses or hair or feeling sexy.  It will boil down to your identity.

3.  If you wish to be happy, be true to yourself.  No one else can make you happy, and you cannot make someone else happy by being untrue to yourself.  Be untrue to yourself, and you will likely be/become unfit to live with.

4.  It is possible to save a marriage during and after transition, but it means going slowly and bringing your spouse along at a speed that she can adjust to.  That is, never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

5.  After transition, life goes on.  You are more comfortable in your own skin, and a major problem has been lifted off your shoulders, but work still beckons every day, bills have to be paid, supper has to be cooked, laundry... Many things don't change.

My wife did not come along.  Maybe I didn't know enough of who I was.  Maybe it was her upbringing.  Not all wives do stay.  That said, my FTM husband and I have a wonderful life, my company and Navy client could care less that I transitioned, and life is good.

All because I took that step to find a counselor who helped me find myself.

Robyn

Thank you all for your replies.  I'm sorry that I have not responded for months on this topic.  I feel like an ass for just dropping my own problems here, and then leaving without so much as at the very least some recognition towards the efforts many of you placed here to try to help me.

As for an update, I am still regretful that I did not take advantage of the situation.  My wife approached me and I completely dismissed it. ..  If only I took the initiative at that time..  damn, it sucks..

It seems that I keep pushing my feelings back, hoping that eventually I will just accept myself for what I am.  I think that this is the most insane part of it all, because the fact of the matter is I always feel that I am living the wrong gender.  I don't even know why it is so damned relevant, as far as the logical side of me is concerned it should not matter.  Being a female would not solve any problems I have, it would only contribute significantly to them.. especially in a case where I transition.

I really hate myself for just dumping my feelings on a forum, and then not interacting.  I honestly think I should just go to a psychologist and explain everything.  The only problem is, I would want to speak to someone who is well equipped for such scenarios and my wife would quickly catch on (she is basically there already.. but at the same time I don't think she is prepared for the reality of it)

I just want to let you all know how much I admire your strength.  I wish I had it..   As far as I am concerned, transitioning must be one of the most difficult things to do in life..  You all have my admiration.  I am such a coward on the entire subject that I dare not enter this forum unless I am running an OS my family is now familiar with on a password protected session of Vmware.

Thank you again.. I appreciated all of your answers.

Most people who you are good friends with will know, that's quite usual!

Don't be afraid, tell her what you are feeling and tell her you are unsure.
Don't say you decided, consult to see her reaction.
She seems to love you, be honest with her, share every part of the way and decisions with her. it will also be easier for you to choose and her to accept if you choose.

Don't regret not telling her when she asked.  You were surprised and hadn't thought it through yourself.  No regrets.

Being unsure and confused in the beginning is normal.  Find a professional to talk to.  It doesn't have to be a gender specialist, although if one is available they may be more helpful.  Don't worry about being confused - that's normal.

You're absolutely right that trying to resolve your gender issues won't solve your other proplems.  A therapist or counselor can help with those, too.

Don't worry about transitioning until you know that's what you want to do.  You know where the road leads, but don't look too far down it.  You don't have to go all the way down this road but can stop anytime you want, so just concern yourself with the part of the road you are on now.

Let us know how you're doing when you get a chance.

- Kate

I don't have a wife and I don't live as a man but people ask me the same thing. I've been on HRT for about 10 years and people ask 'when are you going to go on Hormones? they don't see any changes and neither do I

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on August 04, 2009, 09:09:41 AM
I don't have a wife and I don't live as a man but people ask me the same thing. I've been on HRT for about 10 years and people ask 'when are you going to go on Hormones? they don't see any changes and neither do I

Now that is awful.   I've been on hormones four months and can see some changes, although perhaps half of them are in my imagination.   Others see me more as a woman all the time, but that is because of the passage of time (they're getting used to it) and laser/electrolysis, too.

The mother of my daughter has been suffering through menopause for almost 15 years now - they just can't get the hormone levels to balance out right.  Unfortunately, there are some of us for whom the normal methods don't work. 

I hope you've seen more than one endrocrinologist, Naturally Blonde.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on August 04, 2009, 06:35:38 PM
Now that is awful.   I've been on hormones four months and can see some changes, although perhaps half of them are in my imagination.   Others see me more as a woman all the time, but that is because of the passage of time (they're getting used to it) and laser/electrolysis, too.

The mother of my daughter has been suffering through menopause for almost 15 years now - they just can't get the hormone levels to balance out right.  Unfortunately, there are some of us for whom the normal methods don't work. 

I hope you've seen more than one endrocrinologist, Naturally Blonde.

- Kate

I've seen about 3 or 4 endocrinologists in my time but they don't have a magic wand. I've been on HRT for over 10 years.

I think many people who are on Hormones are happy because they make them feel happy but I look at the technical physical impact of what hormones can and can't do. To look male is not my objective.