A skinny little white guy goes into a bar. After a few drinks he looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown. The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"  The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Whew! I thought you said, 'Turn around!' "

There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home."

Two weasels are sitting in a bar.

The older weasel turns to the younger one and says, "I f***ed your mother!"

Dead quiet. The younger weasel rolls his eyes and goes back to his drink.

The first weasel, not to be deterred, shouts, "I F***ED YOUR MOTHER!"

Sighing, the younger weasel turns to the older one and says, "Dad, go home. You're drunk."

OK, if it's animal bar jokes..........

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."


A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"


A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts."
The gorilla replies "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!

Then there was the alcoholic magician who could walk down the street and turn into a bar...

A guy goes into a nice bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

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Post Merge: April 11, 2009, 07:49:13 PM

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So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two condoms walk by a gay bar. One looks at the other one and says, "Hey, ya wanna go in and get $hitfaced?"

A drunken man leaves the bar and gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

Ever evening in London an Irish man walks in a pub and orders 2 pints and 2 shorts then proceed to drink from each in turn.
After a while, one evening the barman intriged asks him "Why don't you order each round separatly?".
"Well" says the man," my brother and I are very close. Back home every evening after work we would go for a drink together. But I had to emigrate here and he is staying in Dublin. So now every night in our locals he order his round for both of us and drink it while I do the same here. This way in a sense we are still together".
"I see" says the barman touched by this expression of brotherly love.
A few weeks later the Irishman orders only 1 pint and 1 short.
Sincerely worried the barman ask your man "And how are things with the brother?".
Licking the froth from his upper lip he replied: "Argh Mick is grand OK. It's me, you see, I went to the doctor today and he told me that I had to give up the drink".

LLL&R
Maebh

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your #&%^&$#!! hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The little girl goes up to her mommy looking perplexed.  Mommy says "What's wrong honey?" and the little girl says "I know that when daddy puts his thing in your thing that that's where babies come from."  Mommy says, "Yes dear, that's right darling, what's bothering you?"  The little girl says, "Well last night I went past your room and you had daddies thing in your mouth, do babies come from that too?"  And the mommy says "Oh dear, that's not were babies come from, that's where jewelry comes from."

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.

The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?"

The blind man says, "Just taking a look around.."

=======================================

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."