Hi, all
After reading a few of the other introduction threads here this seems like a very warm and cozy place. I might be able to put my feet up a while here.
I suppose the custom is to explain myself a bit.
I am a 45 year old MWM/MtF who's closing in on 20 years of marriage to a wonderful woman and also have two sons (16 and 12)
I have known I "should have been born a girl" since at least the age of 10 if not before. I had a relatively great deal of focus on it for a decade or so (at 13 i ran away from home - for a few hours - with a suitcase full of my mom's clothes hoping to go someplace where I could live as a girl).
I won't go into every detail of every little "moment" that confirmed it for me but I knew. Still, in my early 20's a "froze" - I had four wonderful old fashioned grandparents that I was sure would never accept me if I tiered to transition. The first alternative to occur to me was, of course, suicide but I did not want to put them through that either.
So I accepted an invitation to a religious crusade and "got right" (don't misunderstand, I was and am a Christian, but I was looking to be "healed") and poured myself into trying to be "good enough" that God would "deliver me" from my "perverted" desire. I went as far as to "surrender to the ministry" (a Southern Baptist phrasing) and was as dedicated and faithful as i could be. But the ministry never amounted to anything but some fill in preaching and more importantly, my "sickness" was never healed, just repressed.
But I thought at least it was repressed for good and I met and married the woman I am still with. She is ideally suited to me and I cannot believe any other would still love me so strongly as she does after all these years. Sadly though, I didn't say anything to her about this (I had no intention of ever telling ANYone) and I have wronged her in that.
A couple of years ago I concluded that much of my religious practice was essentially just conforming to a stereotype that was far more man's creation than God's. I concluded that if God was ever going to "cure" me he had had sufficient time and motivation and perhaps I was listening to the wrong people about what God's view of my condition actually is.
I am not able to reconcile my understanding of God with the premise that I am "ill" and need "curing" and YET, said God has witheld said healing. Either he's not there, or he doesn't think I need to be healed, or I'll never understand him.
In any case, nine months ago I (somewhat inadvertantly at first) came out to my wife. Unfortunately, she doesn't approve. However, so wonderful is her spirit that in spite of her preference, she is being most tolerant and loving in the face of what has to be a world-shaking change in her life.
A couple of months ago I told my kids (they were beginning to notice things that couldn't be explained otherwise) and they have been largely cool with it.
It's also worth noting here that I hold a BS and a teacher's license but am chroniclly unemployed (Turns out Mississippi has no shortage of Social Studies teachers) and given the long odds against a TS being hired that is not a situation with a bright future.
Since I came out to her, I have told a total of 2 people outside my home. I have been doing "around the edges" things:
Dieting: Last July 1 I weighed 308 (I'm 5'10") and since then I have lost almost 50 pounds. It's my understanding that HRT tends to inhibit weight loss so I am kind of obsessed by getting another 100 pounds or so off.
Shaving: I could stunt double for Chewbacca (which pains me to no end) and I long for the day when I can afford electrolysis/laser to get rid of all this shaving.
Growing my hair, building a basic collection of clothing and makeup and such. Trying to figure out how toi support myself and my family in the future and still deal with this. I'm considering maybe going back to school for nursing but I'm unsure.
I haven't done any counseling because (a) i have no money and (b) i'm a 3 hour drive from the closest person that I know of who does this (although I think the University of Memphis has some low-income services, even driving into Memphis is a stretch on my budget at the moment)
Obviously I'm not taking anything, nor in a position for the bigger changes yet. But I'm at that frustrating stage where I KNOW I have to be patient but I want to just do it all in a year and finally be who I really am.
I've been looking for some time now for a place where I can really feel like I'm at home (I thought I found one in another place but it turned out not to be so) and I have to say that at first glance, this place looks like it may be the one.
Hope to spend a lot of time getting to know you girls.
