I have been doing a lot of thinking. The success of any trans girl is very much depedant in how well she plans her transition, hides it and how well the plans are execueted correctly.

Now to work your plan - that's when all trans girls need to be careful on who finds out about her transition and how she responds to these incidents.

That's where discrimination, hate crimes and harrassment comes in.

I have found that when you are seen as a male in peoples eyes and perception you need play rough, ruthlessly, & very aggresive.


For females its a bit more flexible. Its a tough and cold world- but my advice is this- become ruthless and cold blooded and be very shrewd when you are transitioning- anybody that comes in your way- RIP and CRUSH them!

Once you pass- the world will still be tough but it will not mock you (as trans women can sometimes be regarded as a disgrace)

My advice only, I also think you shouldn't be so trusting of anyone.

If I fail with transition- I will commit suicide ( I'm serious).

Post your comments.

Umm, don't fail then.

Life is hard for everyone.  I'm assuming you live in the First World.  So I'm also assuming you have no idea how hard life is in the rest of the world.  Hardship is not exclusive to you, me or anyone.

Ferocity doesn't help build relationships. Look after yourself is key. But remember there are people willing to help and they can be put off by rip and burn.

Suicide has never helped anyone overcome a problem. I don't even know if it helps to avoid them.

Take Care
Cindy

being ruthless, aggressive, distrusting, and generally living in fear of everyone else, is liable to make you isolated, alone, without the support of friends, significant others, or even family, and that is not because they don't understand your problems or because they're bigoted or prejudgemental over your issues, but because you've treated them with ruthlessness, aggression, distrust, and general "fear".

Living in fear isn't living.

And suicide isn't the answer. Just because you can't get things "right" on the first try doesn't mean you should quit altogether. Some things take patience, and if you get told at any point that you do not show the psychological ready-ness to finish your transition, then you should listen, and work through your problems, so that when you do emerge from your transition, that you'll be a "beautiful butterfly" not an issue riddled and paranoid person with no social contacts what so ever.

You'll attract more bees with honey.

I agree with the others.  Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem.  How many things have you done in your life that were perfectly successful on the first try?

In my limited experience, transition is easier, smoother, and more likely to succeed if you don't try to do it in stealth.  Enlist the aid of everyone you know to help you through it.  Transition can be tough.  You will ineveitbly be "found out", especially in the beginning.  If you try to sneak it past everyone, those times when it doesn't work will be devastating.  If you have friends and supporters you can talk to frequently, those times will just be funny stories.

You may encounter anger or violence - that's a danger for each of us.  But you can also encounter anger and violence trying to pass as your birth sex.

If you're going to try to be ruthless and hide your transition from all around you, you're setting yourself up for failure.  Relax.  We only go around once (probably).  Take joy in the experience.

Just my humble opinion...

- Kate

Quote from: tekla on June 08, 2009, 01:03:22 AM
Umm, don't fail then.

Life is hard for everyone.  I'm assuming you live in the First World.  So I'm also assuming you have no idea how hard life is in the rest of the world.  Hardship is not exclusive to you, me or anyone.

Not true necassarily. Some actually have it pretty good and choose to make it hard on themselves. I've both seen and have known several examples of such weaklings. Some are victims of circumstance, as I'm sure you're quite aware.

Quote from: Tanya1 on June 07, 2009, 10:50:55 PM
... how well she plans her transition ...

Aw, jeez, I forgot to plan. Does that mean that I have to transition all over again?

People are different, some like planning and stealth, some just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

You guys should understand that this advice came from my experience. And it isn't nessecarily applicable to everyone.

I come from a bigoted family and I'm in a close-minded enviroment. In this case you shouldn't be so open about your transition in the start. Its bad thinking!

what you should do is set your transition in such a way that if you are do tell people you are transitioning - you will have enough money 2 live on your own, you won't be beaten up & you will not put yourself in a position where constant harrassment occurs.

This is exactly what happened to me. I'm not saying this is the way for everyone but what I am saying is when you have snakes crawling around you- You need to start thinking like one.

Bottomline: Play the game in your enviroment. Play the game to win & always make a plan- that if it fails you STILL win.

So if people around you are very accepting then great - no need to be so hostile but I advise you still be careful with how you do it b/c there are still idiots out there who will try to burn you every once in a while.

Suicide? No one has concrete proof or knowlegde to say if it is right or wrong.

Honestly, I believe the choice of suicide is the right of every living being, but that doesn't mean I, or anyone really, will agree it's a good idea in certain contexts.

I do not believe in playing games.
They're demeaning to everyone involved.

What I believe in doing is, if the people in your life suck, do something 'bout it. Not in the form of "faking" yourself towards them, but by changing the people in your life.
Living in fear isn't living, if you can't live where you are, then move.

The whole wide world isn't "all" cold blooded and ruthless towards Transsexuals.

Like Renate, I had no plan.

I felt like I was in a fog.  All I could see was the step just in front of me.  In the distance I could see many outcomes.  I had no idea which step would lead where.

In all, I am ecstatically pleased with the way things turned out.  But the old managerial saying of "Plan the work, work the plan" didn't happen for me.

But one of the things that I didn't do, Tanya, is hide.  I chose my audience carefully and the order in which I came out.  But I was committed to not being stealth.  I could not leave my life, family and career to start all over again, but this time as a woman.

I won the transsexual lottery, I know that.  I was not only accepted, but embraced and encouraged by those around me.  My children and family helped me in ways that I could not have imagined.  My company had never had to deal with a transsexual, but said "Let's do this thing" and we did.  I was not held back in any way.

I know it is not as simple for others.  All I am saying is that going stealth isn't the only option any more.

There were those that could not understand why I chose to do what I did.  But I countered them with logic and explanation, not hatred and anger.  In many cases I succeeded in illuminating their ignorance and at least gave them an insight to life they did not have before.  I certainly did not try to crush them.

I agree that trust is something that is earned and not necessarily given lightly.  But to refuse to trust anyone can make your life lonely indeed.

Many say, and I agree, that GID can be a fatal illness.  If I had not transitioned or at least taken significant positive steps in my life to address it, I would have died from suicide.  Looking back, I think I should have been on suicide watch at one point.

But I encourage you not to take a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Failure to transition is not a permanent thing.  It is a setback.  And I ask what you would consider failure to be?  Not being accepted as a woman?  Not being able to afford surgery?  Feeling alone?  All of these types of issues can be addressed and overcome.

If you ever get to the point of feeling truly hurtful of yourself, please contact someone.  There really is always hope.  There is more to life than just the pain you may feel at that point.

-Sandy

I've actually been suprised at how very little most people even seem to notice. Whether in the grocery store or buying bras at Macys, people are going about their own business and most all won't even give you a second look (except for the occassional old man hitting on you lol). I have noticed that sometimes people seem to be nicer/friendlier to me as a woman than when I presented as a man- I think the public at large does not see women as being threatening. Of course I am also careful about where I go and the people I associate with, but that's just common sense for anyone in this day and age.

I know the world can be a cruel and horrible place, just have to turn on the news to see that. But I am optimistic that most people are not cruel and horrible, and just want to live their lives in peace the same as we do. A lot of how people treat you is due to the attitude you present to them- Miniar is 100% right on about that.

I'm not saying to hide. You really can't transition without the support of others. Its a tough road but it would be even more harder if you tell the wrong people!

I didnt really mean that you should be so hostile - what really meant is that you need analyze your situation. Being under critical is just as bad as being over critical.

In the end of things- they only thing we really want is to live a normal life, leave behind our past and start living life.

And you know that may mean something different to you.

maybe to do that you need a divorce or maybe you need pack all your luggage, hop on a taxi, get on a plane & start all over.

Do what is best for you & never be stupid.

Quote from: FairyGirl on June 08, 2009, 09:14:14 AM
I've actually been suprised at how very little most people even seem to notice. Whether in the grocery store or buying bras at Macys, people are going about their own business and most all won't even give you a second look (except for the occassional old man hitting on you lol). I have noticed that sometimes people seem to be nicer/friendlier to me as a woman than when I presented as a man- I think the public at large does not see women as being threatening. Of course I am also careful about where I go and the people I associate with, but that's just common sense for anyone in this day and age.

I know the world can be a cruel and horrible place, just have to turn on the news to see that. But I am optimistic that most people are not cruel and horrible, and just want to live their lives in peace the same as we do. A lot of how people treat you is due to the attitude you present to them- Miniar is 100% right on about that.

You need to assess your own situation.  If you need to move to transition, then move.  Like Sandy, I have been incredibly lucky.  The absolute worst I have encountered so far has been awkwardness.

As Chloe said, most people out and about will ignore you.  In face-to-face encounters, people will tend to react to you as you present yourself.  If you are friendly and kind, they will usually be friendly and kind.  If you are ruthless and mean, they will return that with fear and meanness. 

If your family can't accept you, have as little to do with them as possible until they can.  We have no choice what family we are born into, just as we have no choice what body we are born into.  Sometimes we need to make a few changes to live our lives.

Being open to others can get you hurt, but it can also reward you far beyond your expectations.  Relax, but know when the shields have to be deployed.

Good luck, Tanya!

- Kate

this attitude you have sounds like a recipe for failure. like the beatles said we all get by with a little help from our friends.

you will need other people to help you along and your way of thinking will run people off. especially the ones you need and the ones who need you.

try looking outside of your self sister. i have been where you are now, it doesn't work.

remember to make a friend be a friend, i know you will be surprised at what you find.

good luck, i hope you the best   

Quote from: Renate on June 08, 2009, 08:21:29 AM
Aw, jeez, I forgot to plan. Does that mean that I have to transition all over again?

People are different, some like planning and stealth, some just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Agree. I basically find myself just kind of blundering through it. but then, I have less to lose than many.

When I began the only plan I had was to begin the process over change.  Therapy, hormones, dressing and practice passing.  Each day was another chance to succeed.

And now that I am full time and have been for 9 months, I am beginning to become more stealth.  I am not openly Transsexual, more woman.  And I have begun to look into dating as a woman.  In fact I am chatting with a guy, getting to know each other. and beginning to make plans to meet.

I don't plan on telling him anything about my past until I see how things are going.  It maybe a mistake but I want him to know me first.  And if he cares for me, then I can inform him of my past.  And yes I am still pre-op.

Janet

Life is too short to go through it as a hostile, angry person. And we've all met these kinds of people. Sure, take care of business when it's required, and stay away from certain areas of town and certain situations that might cause you harm, and always use discretion. That's just being smart. But for the most part give people a chance to interact with you on a human level and most of them will do so.

And you do have some control of life around you. You can choose to remove the people from your life that are negative influences, and you can choose to live somewhere else. There are choices and opportunities all around us. What we make of these choices and opportunities is up to us.

To Tanya1:

Hon, we here at Susan's Place really can, and do, "feel your pain."  We're all going through this same thing together.  Whatever you do, please, hang in there.  Persevere.  Persist. 

Suicide IS an option, but it's a LOUSY option.  Look, ...

Sandy of the Wiki Staff so wisely said:

But one of the things that I didn't do, Tanya, is hide.  I chose my audience carefully and the order in which I came out.  But I was committed to not being stealth.  I could not leave my life, family and career to start all over again, but this time as a woman.

I won the transsexual lottery, I know that.  I was not only accepted, but embraced and encouraged by those around me.  My children and family helped me in ways that I could not have imagined.  My company had never had to deal with a transsexual, but said "Let's do this thing" and we did.  I was not held back in any way.

I know it is not as simple for others.  All I am saying is that going stealth isn't the only option any more.

There were those that could not understand why I chose to do what I did.  But I countered them with logic and explanation, not hatred and anger.  In many cases I succeeded in illuminating their ignorance and at least gave them an insight to life they did not have before.  I certainly did not try to crush them.

I agree that trust is something that is earned and not necessarily given lightly.  But to refuse to trust anyone can make your life lonely indeed.

Thank you, Sandy.  All of these girls have given you great advice here, but Sandy's advice quoted above really, really rings true.  Hers are very wise words and are words to live by.

I am currently in counseling (therapy) in order to get authorization for HRT, so I'm just starting the transition process.  Moreover, I'm older than most of you here.  So, what's my point?

Tanya1, take it a day at a time.  DON'T isolate yourself.  I've done exactly that (for years), and it's just awful!  Find and make friends ... even if only here at Susan's Place.  Feeling down?  Talk to us!  Gotta comment?  Please, do so!  Just want some encouragement?  Then just ask! 

That's why we're ALL here, Hon.

You CAN and WILL transition successfully!  Yes, you can!  You will do it!

Keep these thoughts foremost in your mind, and they should help you tremendously. 

We're all here for you ... Hugs!

Lacey Lynne