I can understand what Stardust is saying.  I have been going along swimmingly and then suddenly I was hit with such a depression over having the boys parts.  I was in tears.  I knew that things weren't going to change until GRS, but I had not had the depression so bad for so long.

But I began to look into GRS seriously, even if I don't have the funds right now.  And that has helped.  Any little thing that I do to make me happy helps.  Every step towards my femininity is all that I have to be that much freer.

Janet

It is exactly this ebb and flow of GID attacks that has provoked me to analyze when and why I feel it so strongly.

My experience has told me that the more I focus on that which I don't have (a female body/life/etc) the more destructive, depressed, and upset I feel.  However, the more I focus on what I do have, the current blessings in my life, the less power my GID has over me.

That isn't to say you should ignore your GID, but focusing on the stuff you don't have and the unfairness of it all will not lead you to peace or happiness before or after transition.  Those who I know who have been unhappy and had GID issues after transition have had them because they continue (even after transition) to focus on what "female" things they don't have or never will (pregnancy, periods, sweet 16 birthday party, etc).

that is true for anything I suppose, focusing on wealth when one is poor, focusing on youth when one is aged, etc. Those things don't have specific "disorders" associated with them however. And there is healthy focus too- a poor person focusing on riches they don't possess is destructive, focusing on how to achieve the goal of pulling yourself out of poverty would be much more productive. I do believe there is always a way to make things better, and I don't want to give the impression that I sit around 24/7 feeling dysphoric.
I am optimistic. It may be stronger now when it does rear its ugly head, but those episodes are getting less frequent, and like Interalia said, focusing on what I do have and what I have accomplished can mitigate dysphoria into downright euphoria. But then, It's not so much what I don't have as what I still do at this point. I'll be glad to get finished with GRS because that one thing I do still have is a major cause of the dysphoria I feel and I know this to be true. I can sooooooo relate to what Janet Lynn said.

The thing that finally tipped me over the edge was that I was dressing more and more as a woman.  I was a closeted cross dresser and so would stay home more just so I could dress.  Finally I got to the point where I knew I had to pry the closet door open regardless of the social cost.  After a lot of planning and pain and agonizing and work, I finally became Katherine and have never been happier.

But as you said, Chloe, and others have said - as you get closer it gets harder, perhaps because you can finally see that it might be possible to live as you are rather than as you were scripted to be.

Also, as you work toward being whole, the protective repressions and denials start falling away exposing you to a lot of powerfully emotional stuff.

Hang in there.  Work toward your goal.  Foward, inch by inch.  (And all that. )  It can be done.  I get strength from those who've managed to do this before me.

*hugs*
Kate

great and thanks all,

I think my dysphoria is worse when I think about the past regrets having transitioned later in life and thinking about all that I have lost, family, house, love, companion, etc.

I don't want to seem all doom and gloom, I have a new job, a roof over my head, food on the table and living full time with GRS next year. I suppose its for me its getting over the losses that cause the worst emotional stress and crying. How one gets past these things I don't know at present, I am taking one day at a time. I suppose the biggest thing is the loss of a companion and the love of my life.

Stardust

I really dont want to be the voice of doom but ever since Ive opened up the pandoras box its been getting worse and worse. I'm trying to focus on the blessings I have and have had but its actually not helping and this bothers the hell out of me. I used to have a will of steel but this only helps to a point. I cant stop thinking about my prison sentence disphoria and my strenth of will is eroding. This has got to stop. I need to function for my family, I still can but just barely. I hate to whine but I cant believe how dehabilitating GID really is. And I'm happy and envious of you girls who are realizing their dreams- God bless you. Well forget about calling me coolj just call me wimpj cause this bleeping dysphoria is ruining me totally.

I try not to look back.  Too many bad memory.  I look forward.  Sometimes even that brings on the fear and doubt, especially if I focus on getting SRS, or an Orchie.

One day at a time, making the best of that day.  What is past is past, what is in the future is in the future.  Today is called the Present because it is a gift.  Unwrap and enjoy the present that has been given you.

Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on June 08, 2009, 08:21:45 PMOne day at a time, making the best of that day.  What is past is past, what is in the future is in the future.  Today is called the Present because it is a gift.  Unwrap and enjoy the present that has been given you.

You are so right love. With all it's ups and downs and joys and sorrows, I'm still so very thankful and glad I made the right decision to transition. I have learned more about myself and found greater peace in my heart since I began this than in all the years leading up to it. The world was cold black and white my whole life, and now it's living color. I will not give that up and I could never go back to being anything less again.

We all accumulate regrets as we go through life, but the road to Might-Have-Been is a dangerous one, with lots of swampy areas.  Do not go there!

If we're paying attention, we learn from our mistakes and troubles and gradually build a better life for ourselves.  You are a product of your past.  You might not be doing so well now if you had tried to transition earlier.  Who knows?  Don't look back other than to see how far you've come.  It's wonderful, isn't it?

*hugs*
Kate

Quote from: coolJ on June 08, 2009, 08:14:42 PM
I really dont want to be the voice of doom but ever since Ive opened up the pandoras box its been getting worse and worse. I'm trying to focus on the blessings I have and have had but its actually not helping and this bothers the hell out of me. I used to have a will of steel but this only helps to a point. I cant stop thinking about my prison sentence disphoria and my strenth of will is eroding. This has got to stop. I need to function for my family, I still can but just barely. I hate to whine but I cant believe how dehabilitating GID really is. And I'm happy and envious of you girls who are realizing their dreams- God bless you. Well forget about calling me coolj just call me wimpj cause this bleeping dysphoria is ruining me totally.

I totally get this, because i think i'm heading down the same path. I wish the best for you, sister 

Quote from: riven_one on June 10, 2009, 01:21:45 AM
I totally get this, because i think i'm heading down the same path. I wish the best for you, sister 

Thanks sister but I wish nobody could know this path. I really wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. And its like Janet says its better to dwell on the present gift of today than worry about a tommorrow that may never come. Its funny how the old coping mechanisms dont work anymore either.    I hope the best for you too sis .

Quote from: coolJ on June 10, 2009, 09:16:04 PM
Its funny how the old coping mechanisms dont work anymore either.

I'm finding this to be true also. Stay strong.

Quote from: coolJ on June 10, 2009, 09:16:04 PM
Its funny how the old coping mechanisms dont work anymore either. 

With summer coming, my depression has lifted somewhat...

....and I think I have had some good spells relief from my GID...

...then I went to my therapy session on Friday...and remembering that I'm not planning to start transition any day soon..the discussion somehow hit a few critical issues...

...well..my therapist thinks I'm starting to have difficulty hiding my female side while presenting male... 

....and she decided to let me know that she was hapy to recommend me for HRT if I requested it...

...I'm not saying that I haven't had this sort of discussion here at Susan's before.... it just different when you healthcare professional decides to say it face to face...

..Oh well.... there goes the "this is all a bad dream" coping mechanism...   



Chrissty

Good luck, Chrissty!

Maybe we lose our coping mechanisms as we become ready to start the journey.

This is a scary process, but it does get better.  Even with all the support of friends and family and professionals and those of us here at Susan's, it ends up being a lonely process at times.  For me, getting ready to begin was probably the hardest, followed by the actual beginning.  As you go along you will find it can get easier (with the inevitable bumps and set-backs along the way).  This isn't a journey for the weak.

*hugs*
Kate

and as they fall away, one by one, it becomes more real with every step along the way which is exhilarating but scary at the same time. Imho it's a sign that we are following the right path in this and we need to hold out as long as our hearts tell us it is right. Mine tells me I am in this to the end. I've really tried to determine what makes it worse and what makes it better for me. In my experience it is worsened not so much by thinking about what I don't have, but in those times I feel stuck in a male existence I can never break free of. It is relieved when I realize that come what may, I am female and already free. It also helps to keep telling myself that I can do this.

Chrissty, I truly know what you're going through hon and I'm sure many of us feel the same way. It does reach a point where you just can't hide your true self anymore.

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

~Cyndi Lauper

Quote from: interalia on June 07, 2009, 05:11:18 AM
It is exactly this ebb and flow of GID attacks that has provoked me to analyze when and why I feel it so strongly.

My experience has told me that the more I focus on that which I don't have (a female body/life/etc) the more destructive, depressed, and upset I feel.  However, the more I focus on what I do have, the current blessings in my life, the less power my GID has over me.

That isn't to say you should ignore your GID, but focusing on the stuff you don't have and the unfairness of it all will not lead you to peace or happiness before or after transition.  Those who I know who have been unhappy and had GID issues after transition have had them because they continue (even after transition) to focus on what "female" things they don't have or never will (pregnancy, periods, sweet 16 birthday party, etc).

I'm going to love to hear your mindset when you get into your 40's. I really want to know if you feel the same. I do like what you say from time to time and focusing on what you do have instead of what you don't is a positive way to think. If your GID can let you focus on the positive and not on transition, you are pretty fortunate.

Quote from: Lori on June 14, 2009, 02:42:04 PM
I'm going to love to hear your mindset when you get into your 40's. I really want to know if you feel the same. I do like what you say from time to time and focusing on what you do have instead of what you don't is a positive way to think. If your GID can let you focus on the positive and not on transition, you are pretty fortunate.

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.  I just move into my new house and we cannot afford the internet currently, so my activity has drastically dropped.

To your post I'd say that I do not know how I'll feel in 10 more years.  Perhaps I'll have reached a point where I've learned enough about the nature of my GID that it no longer affects me at all, or perhaps I'll become so weighed down by it due to unforeseen circumstances that I'll give up everything I currently hold dear to transition.  Both are extremes but I'm open to the possibility of either occurring.

I think the best I can do is take into account and learn from my own experiences and from that of others - doing my best not to immerse myself too much in dogma from either those who advocate transition or from those who do not.

BTW, what do the symbols on your avatar stand for?  I've always wanted to know.

OOps!...I've been away too..

Thank you for your kind wishes FairyGirl and K8



Chrissty