Hi guys and gals (sorry for the length)

My name is Jay. Well everyone has called me that for as long as I can remember - even my parents and family do! This is the first step I have taken in exploring my curiosity regarding my gender identity. I have for the past 8ish years identified as a lesbian, of the more butch variety. I seem to be going round in circles of late and just now decided it was probably about time I kind of put myself out there and just asked some questions I have been unable to find the answers to scouring the net.

I guess I am wondering if it is something I should pursue - so I am going to give you guys a small insight into me and ask for honest opinions.

I have been mistaken for a male on so many occasions - if I had a $ for every time... I have had numerous battles in the ladies room as to whether I am in the right bathroom and I have even used the men's room when the line for the chicks is too long. So I can pass easily, it's not usually til people get close and I usually get the whole oh sorry response. If I think back to my childhood, I can remember always having male friends. Up until I was 12ish I had one real girl that was a friend – but the majority of the time she was right beside me on the footy field!

I remember once asking my family to call me "John" while we were on holiday, because that's what I had told the boys I was playing with my name was. That was when I was about 4ish. I did that because they automatically thought I was a little boy and it was too hard to explain if I said my birth name and I just wanted to play! There are a few times when assuming the male role has suited me. It's easier to me, like I cop less ->-bleeped-<- than if I just came off as the butch dyke. I do prefer to be called he and sir but I have never insisted on it. I actually used to be very insistent on being called her or she. Same as I was never going to be a lesbian – that sort of stuff happens to other people. Not me. Yeah right!

I have always played sports, if you could kick it, hit it or throw it – I did it. I have one Barbie doll still to this day in the box – it's now a collectable!! The last dress/skirt I owned was for school and as the girls around me kept shortening their skirts – mine got longer. I have worn relaxed fit, loose clothing forever and I only shop in the men's dept. I don't own any make up nor do anything girly. I hate my breasts, but I don't overly like the majority of my body either. There have been times when girly things have been undertaken – like being a bridesmaid for my sister but the very next day I shaved off my long locks. I have also always had this strange obsession with facial hair and always when I think of my ideal body – breasts are not there.

I don't know. My story seems so similar to most I have read and I know that the things I have written above are not pre requisite, but it just makes me think it is something I should explore. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for a while now and I have always thought it was vocational etc. Actually they called it adjustment disorder with reactive depression and anxiety.

So what do you guys think? I already see a psych. Can't wait to see his face if I bring this up!

Cheers for reading (if you got this far!!)

Jay

Hi Jay
It must be a little ironic that your first hello is from a new sister who has had exactly the same thoughts from the opposite side of the mirror.
Well the opposite thoughts really .

Wellcome to Susan's I have met lots of new brothers here and I'm sure they will bail in and help. Guys seem to do that.

So settle in and read and post.
Cindy

Dividing up something can be arbitrary, but sometimes helpful. Let's divide dysphoria up a bit.

Somatic dysphoria: That is the discomfort with your body. If you were the only person on the planet and there were millions of full-length mirrors all around, how would you like your body to be?

Social dysphoria: This is the discomfort socially being part of the world. In effect, everybody is a another kind of mirror to you. How do you want to be perceived?

Activities: Be it auto repair, football, cooking, flower arranging, these do not belong to gender identity dysphoria. In this day and age you can do whatever you like. There is no reason to kow-tow to gender stereotypes.

Welcome to the forums .

You're going to be asking yourself a lot of questions in the near future. Things might end up a wee bit more confusing before they get clearer. This is normal.

Renate's questions to ask yourself is a very good place to start.

I'd also add the following -

When you were a child, what sort of person did you think you would grow into?

How do you see yourself? How do you identify to yourself?

Think ahead to when you are old and grey - what sort of person do you see yourself becoming?

I know this doesn't answer your question, but only you can prevent forest fires work out your identity. While others can guide you, it's something everyone has to do for themselves.

It's good that you are already seeing a psych, and bringing it up with him is a step in the right direction.

Welcome, Jay.  There're a lot of guys on this site who can help you. 

It takes us a while to puzzle these things out.  Good luck in your explorations.

- Kate

Firstly thanks so much for the replies. I wrote that post right before I went to work and it's all I've been thinking about all night!

About the somatic dysphoria: I would like my body to be firm and muscular, to exude the strength I feel. Since being about 12ish I never really liked my body, I didn't want it to change. The more I tried to hide the changes I went through at puberty the more depressed I got. I waited as long as possible before getting a training bra etc and have a larger chest than most that now... Let's just say they're not firm or 'perky'. I hate seeing them, and I definitely hate anyone else having to see them.

Social dysphoria: I want to be seen as strong and capable; able to do anything. That's how I feel – sometimes! I want to be seen as athletic and muscular, I guess masculine. I am definitely not seen as a dainty flower or anyone's little princess – nor do I want to be perceived as such. No offence to those who do.

Activities: I know I can do anything I want and so can anyone else, within reason. Activities do not define anyone. My parents raised me to believe that.

When you were a child, what sort of person did you think you would grow into?
All the stories say you grow up, get married, have a family and live happily ever after. They should throw some in there where you don't get what you want and not everything works out! You think life is this bowl of cherries then you figure out you're different. Now people say that it's ok to be different, but in reality or at least my experience, its fine to be different so long as it's not too close to home – then it gets a bit too real for people. Honestly, I thought I would grow up, get a good job and be happy. I thought I would be a good person. A person looked up to. Nothing else really crept in. I never saw a partner or anything else. My parents raised me to reach for the stars; I didn't think I would be the one standing in my way.

How do you see yourself? How do you identify to yourself?
I see myself as a sort of protector. Tough when I need to be, but gentle too. I always saw myself as one of the guys. I never had a lot of girl friends until I got to high school – and that's when I became obviously different from my guy friends. I remember for years hoping that for Christmas, Santa would bring me a sex change operation! Stupid. I never wanted to develop breasts or start menstruating etc. I guess I always hoped that I would grow up like my brother and father. I mean I love my sister and mother but I never really... I don't know – got them? Found it hard to relate to them? I don't see myself as a girl – but with years of biology and anatomy studies I never really thought I was male either.

Think ahead to when you are old and grey - what sort of person do you see yourself becoming?
I see myself sitting on my porch, sipping a whiskey enjoying my 'golden years'! I see myself becoming me, eventually. Whoever that is.

I know only I can truly answer the questions I have. But I really have no one to talk to about this (don't see my psych for a week or so, and this is doing my head in) so thank you for your help – it is much appreciated.

Cheers

Jay

Heyhey.

Generally the way to go is experiment until you find something that fits. Tis the all-around rule with such things.

Hi Jay,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

And be sure to check out

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Janet

Hi, Jay. Here's another bunch of questions you could try, some of which you've already addressed.

http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/question.html

Quote from: jaydle83 on June 18, 2009, 03:04:46 PM
I remember for years hoping that for Christmas, Santa would bring me a sex change operation!

  I remember for years hoping to wake up the next morning with this extra stuff "down there" fallen off.  Ah,the innocence (or naivety) of youth.

Quote from: jaydle83 on June 18, 2009, 03:04:46 PM
I guess I always hoped that I would grow up like my brother and father. I mean I love my sister and mother but I never really... I don't know – got them? Found it hard to relate to them? I don't see myself as a girl – but with years of biology and anatomy studies I never really thought I was male either.

Well said.  I felt that way from the other side of the mirror.

It sounds like you're well on your way to figuring this out.

Cheers,
Kate

It seems as though you're leaning towards becoming a male-to-female transsexual...well, that's where you posted right? I can tell you that I don't like the parts of myself that don't match my gender identity, so this is not exactly something that's just going on with you.

You don't have to choose to be trans, you can stay the way you are. I guess my advice is take whatever path which would bring you the most happiness. The only person who can say whether there's something wrong with you is you. If other people say that, just remember they don't know everything about you and so can't form an informed opinion.

I know that this can only be my decision and I definitly realise that this is not just happening to me. I know I don't have to do anything, guess I just wanted to see what others who have been there had to say. What's been said so far is much appreciated so thank you very much.

I had noone to talk to. I don't see my psych for another week or so and I wanted to talk it over with others before him. I'm very happy I found this forum It was really good to at least get it off my chest.

Cheers

Jay