Hey everyone, I'm Logan. I'm glad to have found this website. There are so many out there that feel the same that I do....I'm not alone!
This may get long.
I remember being between 3-5 (can't pin point the exact age) when I first thought I was in the wrong body. One day I asked my mom "Mommy, was I supposed to be a boy?" She of coursed laughed and said "no of course not!" That hurt. Another time I asked "mommy, if I was born a boy what would you have named me?" Again she laughed and "umm, Hamilton" just joking around. Again, it hurt. Yes I was little and maybe I should have let it go, but I have never forgotten that.
All my life I felt like things didn't seem right "down there" and that the female aspect wasn't right. What 3 year old would even know about "down there" to think those things? Here is where it gets complicated. Without going into major details I was sexually abused from 3-20. Various forms by two people. That gives a twist. I hate my female body. I want it gone. 1) it reminds me I'm female and 2) in turn reminds me of the abuse. I always have felt I shouldn't be female, but I don't know how much the abuse affected this. I always question "Was I always this way or if I transition and recover mentally/emotionally will I regret it?" I HIGHLY doubt I'll regret it though, but I'm bad at decision making.
I was in gymnastics 6-16. Yes it may seem like a more female sport, but I personally did it for the muscle and strength. I could "fit in" as female, but I was stronger than all the guys at school and gave them a run for their money. I LOVED it! I would play sports with them and not House with the girls for recess. I also did soccer and basketball for a few seasons. I always wanted to do ice hockey and BMX stuff, but my mom wouldn't hear of it. You would always see me riding my bike, roller blading, skate boarding, climbing trees, etc. growing up. Not with barbies, hair, or make up.
Before High School I was in private school and was forced to wear skirts on Fridays. I HATED IT. I would refuse to wear a dress on any other occasion and if I HAD to wear something I'd wear a pair of nice dress pants and a solid button up shirt. In general I'd wear the baggy pants and shop in the boys section for shirts and stuff. I don't know why my mom would do it because in high school the "tom boy" stage wasn't accepted by her. She hated it. I wore more girly clothes to fit in, but my "girly" is athletic stuff so not too girly. Always muted colors, never pink, etc. The most make up I ever wore was light eye shadow and clear lip gloss just to please my mom.
I've battled depression and self-hatred and other issues over this for my entire life and I can't "fix" it any time soon. I've taken a few steps when I moved out of the house by cutting my hair short and wearing male clothing again. I have a girlfriend right now as well and she's supportive. I just don't know where to go from here. I want things done ASAP, but no clue how to go about it. My parents don't know ANYTHING. I think they suspect me as a lesbian (which I don't identify as, honestly) and the more they find out the more they're pushing girly things and pink on me, ugh! I don't know which they would take better, being a lesbian or being a male. My mom is very religious and thinks being a lesbian is evil and dirty and wrong so I can only guess what she'd think about this. My dad I don't know any of what he thinks about these things. He isn't religious, but he is much older and stuck in his ways. Currently I am financially dependent on them. I'm terrified of them finding out and for me to keep this secret any longer, but I cant do anything else until I can live on my own.
In the end I want top surgery and testosterone. I do not want bottom surgery though due to many reasons I think regarding to the abuse.
Thank you for reading! This was a long and complicated post.
I have some more questions, but I'll make a separate post for that.
