Hi well I am new here and I do not know where to start!!

I am about to be a senior in high school. I never had anyone to talk to about my issues that have been trouble for me in the last 18 years of my life.

From the time I can remember I have always wanted to be a girl. When I was about three years old I remember when my older sister hung off of my dad's neck. Being one of ten I would be in competition mode so I wanted to do the same. When I tried my dad would push me away. My dad would always treat his daughters with love and would tell me that I was my mothers son. His excuse was that he wanted me to be a man. From then on I realized I was not daddy's little girl. It hurt my feeling that I was in a competition with my three sisters and would never win no matter how much I prayed to wake up with nothing between my legs.

When I was five I would rip out pages of my older brothers nude magazines. I later got caught naked looking at them in the bathroom. After that I was looked as a perv when I just wanted to feel how it was to be that girl. They forgot about it now.

This is one of the weird part so do not laugh at me. My mom had these tampons. Her and one of my older sisters would wear them. I would take one and wear it between my legs. I know I am weird but I was five and not sure what I was doing or what they were for.

In middle school I was tease for being feminine. When I mean I was tease I mean the whole school tease me. every new school year the sixth graders would figure out that I was a chew toy to take out all their aggression to gain coolness with my grade level. I never fought back because there was to many of them. So I kept my mouth shut. If I even looked in the direction of a boy they would think I  liked them. Not my taste but amazingly all the boys thought they had something I was interested in, including the ugly one. My best friend was a mute and would only talk to me. The year my friend move up a grade to high school I was left to fend for myself. Boy was I lonely. I was always hiding in the bathroom stalls hoping class would start so I can go home. I hate it when we were to pick our own groups because I was always left out. I hoped it would all get better in high school.

In the ending semester of 8th grade I moved in to my grandmothers home back in California. She was getting sick and I needed to help her out.  I finally met friends which is right around the time of the emos which is what they were emotional. I felt apart of a group and started to dress emo. I would start to listen to emo music. I was accepted. I could finally talk and was friends with many other groups.

Me and my friends did something stupid and I got expelled. I was the only one who got in trouble. I was told it was because the man who push for expulsion hate me because I was feminine and always protects the girls. I do not believe that because what I did was stupid. what is weird I saw him flirting with the girls who do not really have the best reputation from being untouched. I don't care but I would like to know what if I was born a girl how that would of played out.

I lost contact after I move back with my parents. I made friends but I don't mind if they are not popular but I am at peace now with school. Now back at home was another story. Whenever my mom was upset with me she would call me ->-bleeped-<-get and I would respond by calling her a fat ass. My little brother under his breath would say "->-bleeped-<-" as I am walking by. My dad is no help and would say stuff like "...Its okay just come out.." like I would want to come out to this family. 

Now my relationship with my father is blah. I feel like he has a place for only nine of his children and I don't have a spot. He has something to relate with every child but me. His sons have sports and being in the military (Which by the way he laughs every time me and military are in the same sentence) My sisters being his little girls. I don't mind anymore and have given up in that competition.

Now I will be moving to LA with my uncle. I want to become a female now because I am just tried of not feeling comfortable with a boy and the way I look at the time. I hate it when my niece ask me why I stand/talk/am the way I do. I am tried of my nephew saying to me "don't walk like that or all my friends are going to laugh at me". I just want to look the part for the way I feel and will do anything to make it happen.

I just want to know have any of you guys been through anything similar to what I had to go through? If so what was your child hood like. Im sure there was a topic somewhere for this but I can't find it.

Oh wow, that sucks...

I'm in high school and have quite a few guy and girl friends, which whom my feminity seems to be something that is seen as a postive. :x

I don't get picked on a lot because I think because I'm so nice and my friends would gang up against them... It wasn't always like this though...

My father, now that he knows, is in scilent denial, as with everyone else in my life.

When I was little, I was the wierd little boy who played with stuffed animals. Later, I was the nerdy one.

Sorry life has been so hard on you. If I could, I'd probobly be your friend.

Welcome to Susans!

I hope you don't mind but I moved this into the introductions section out of Transgender Talk.

Nice to meet you.

Nicki

I don't mind thank you!!!  I am still getting used to this.

Welcome to the forum hun, sorry to hear you had such a hard childhood.  I had a hard time growing up myself, feeling like I didn't belong anywhere, but it wasn't that bad. Good news is that you found a place where you can talk openly to other lovely people that has gone through rough times as well. You've just gained over 2500 friends! 

Hi Shazny2010,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet

You've come to the right place.  Welcome!  We understand and appreciate what you're going through.  Consider yourself at home here.   

Thank all of you guys so much.

It makes me so happy I got a family to share my story with because I am tired of having to have my guard up all the time.

Hugz you guys back