Normally on message boards I would sign in and disappear. However I felt this time do something different.
For a good deal of my life I came up with the idea of never talking about sex, at all. It was one of those things that was better left in the bedroom. I was brought up thinking in terms of obligation and loyalty. However, all these things came ahead when the idea of anything gender related came to my foreground.
When I was a kid, and this will sound nasty please bear with me, I used to try to push my penis in. I had a feeling something was off with me having it never understood why it was just as it was. I'm not going to say my feelings were like a boy who always felt like a girl, it never was like that. It's that I never felt comfortable in my own skin, I felt like I was going through the motions of what was expected but never was I fulfilled. I always had this feeling but for the bulk of my life I tried not to think about I both, inadvertently and not, surrounded myself with distractions. Whether it was sports, working, extra-curricular work whatever I got myself in a situation where simply I was too bothered to be thinking of things like gender or sex. My big concern was trying to fit it because I switched schools all the time. In every place, I had to be that person for that place and time. Then college rolled around.
College is strange that there's an illusion of time. Time you think you have you don't but time is spread out so much that you may be finished with an assignment and you have an insane amount of time for just about anything. In that time I had something that was not availible to me at home the internet, but even then I wasn't ready. It took me almost 3 years before even finding out about anything transgender related. It took me another 4 to even question myself if I might be and only 5 months ago I finally decided to do something about it and ask for help.
The concerns are the most troubling thing for me. I am a member of the Air National Guard, been enlisted for 3 going on 4 years. I'm also aware of UCMJ laws that would have me out of the service in a heartbeat, but I don't want to leave. I have a mother who after moving back to our hometown decided to get back in the church and become committed to the faith which may be to my detriment. I have a father that after serving 27 years with the State Police and 22 years as an Army Guard officer had the town and his police job drive him to depression but seeks no help. 2 brothers 1 autistic whom I haven't seen in years, the other ADHD but is greatfully coming to his own, no sisters and an extended family where we are scattered but close.
My problem is I feel I'm getting at my wits end. I want to continue my service, I want to keep my family but I can't go on living like I'm in prison feeling like I can't live. If I could place myself in any category on the GLBT scale I probably be a Q that leans T. I know this intro sounds terrible but I guess I want to get my voice and concerns out there because I guess at 25 and seeing my father looking at mortality at only 54 I had me look at myself at go back and wonder who am I and what does identity mean for me? I always grew up thinking identity is what you do and bypassed the idea of who you are. Somewhere in Decatur I forgot that and am trying to figure that out.
