Hello all! I'm so glad to know these forums exist. Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of support for (or acknowledgment of) those who wish to doff the gender binary within the mainstream culture.
Not quite sure where to begin. I've been kind of gender-bendy since high school, but never really considered it too deeply as part of my core identity until recently. I suppose that's because I never paid too much attention to the sexual dimension of my identity at all. Just kind of fell into the default mode and ignored it for the most part. I'm biologically and anatomically male, though rather androgynous in appearance. Picked on for being girly since I was four years old when I insisted on growing my hair long. From puberty onward I was constantly accused of being and/or presumed to be gay, though at this point I'm pretty sure that's not the case (I like girls a fair bit too much for that).
Went on accepting the default masculine gender mode for most of my post-pubescent life. Dated girls, though most trending themselves toward more gender-irreverent modes. Never was one for girly-girls. Also never thought too much about the idea of dating guys, mostly because I found the typical macho stance boring and unattractive. Adhered largely to the "straight" "male" role because it was convenient and, moreover, I didn't care enough to break out of it.
Recently I've been coming to terms with the fact that this sex-gender modality has been one of convenience, and that the conventional two-valued binary is insufficient to encapsulate my identity. I don't feel like the man I was born as, but I don't feel like there's a secret woman trapped inside. I just feel like both are costumes, partial expressions, and something more malleable is at the core. In an ideal world, I would be able to change my sex at will, along with my gender presentation. I could have boy days and girl days, a-little-from-column-A-and-a-little-from-column-B days, and null set days. Alas, this is not an ideal world.
The notion of reassignment surgery seems wholly inadequate to me, as the other option is as partial and incomplete as the one I'm already stuck with. I do however wish I could be entirely without secondary sexual characteristics; no facial hair, body hair, breasts or hips, and an ambiguous facial structure.
Recently I've come to acknowledge that I'm sometimes attracted to guys, though that is only to say anatomically male people. The conventional male modality is as ho-hum to me as the conventional female. It may seem a bit weird, but the whole dual-valued system itself has come to be entirely unattractive to me. What is attractive is a gender presentation that acknowledges the constructed and inessential nature of said modalities. I find androgyny and gender-bendiness attractive as values in and of themselves, regardless of the biological sex of the person presenting them.
I'm hoping there are some folks here who get what I'm jabbering about, because it seems to fall on deaf ears most of the time. Glad to have found this forum. Thanks for reading.
-brightbleak
