Today a friend asked me if I was feeling any ill effects from the hormones. I said that I hadn't noticed any.  I've seen some physical changes from the estrogen, but what I noticed was that after three days the anti-androgens kicked in and I felt at peace with myself and the world for probably the first time in my life.  I thought it was odd that an FtM on the forum (Sneakersjay) had said the exact same thing about going on Testosterone as had happened to me going off T.

My friend said: "Of course.  That's the way it should be."

Even if I had any doubts about proceeding, the fact that the hormones have made me feel "right" for the first time in my life, and the fact that I love to be able to participate in the rich, interwoven texture of womanspeak, would erase any lingering doubts.

Before hormones and before being accepted in your target gender, how do we know this is what we want?  I think it happens as we progress slowly toward our desires.  At each step, if it feels good and right, we start wanting to take the next step.  If at any point it no longer feels right, we retreat to where it did feel right.  That's why I think it is good to proceed slowly, one step at a time, testing the waters as we go.

- Kate

Well hun, I have a bit of a different view  . There was never a point where I 'knew' life would be preferable as female. In fact, how can I view what I am as not preferable? Here is what I mean: I was always female. I didn't realize it until about a year ago, but I was never male. I've always lived as a female. Sure, I acted like a male at times (mostly the whole military part), but I am what I am. I can't say it's preferable being female since I don't know anything else. Easier or harder, I plan to transition so that my physical gender can match my internal one. Does any of this makes sense? I think I'm starting to confuse myself! 

How did I know? By experimental investigation: I started presenting myself as a woman. Even doing so unconvincingly and not nearly to my satisfaction was an improvement. As I started to be accepted as a woman, at least sometimes, even before I did anything permanent (just long hair, makeup, a close shave, a pushup bra, and a few feminine outfits), I found that it suited me well. It has only gotten better.

I didn't "know" as in having some tangible proof or experiences to go by, but I just "knew" because I knew it was who I really was and have always been, just like you know who you are no matter how much others try to tell you that you're something else.  So far everything I have done and everything I do towards my transition has only reaffirmed that innate feeling and increased my longing to complete myself. When you finally take that step from purgatory to paradise, you just know it's gotta be the right thing to do.

Didn't know for sure; I couldn't know for sure, really.  I'd like to say that, in my gut, it just felt right; in a way it did if I thought back to childhood and my first reactions to a female puberty, but I still had nerves... I was still listening to all the people who said that I could enjoy being female, that I was *meant* to be female--all I had to do was give it a chance, get laid (use the hole), show off my body (in their opinion, a very cute curvy body), put a smile on that face (cute, feminine baby-face).  Okay, so I'm seething at the memories of their words.

I gave it a shot, kinda.  Not really.  I put off transitioning for a year, at least.  I was already dressing as femininely as I could tolerate; no way was I trying random sex as a female just to convince myself I was one; smiling was becoming harder and harder.  I just decided to take the leap because after the panic attacks, convulsions, and dreaming my own death every night for several months straight, I figured it really couldn't get any worse.  As it turns out, even if transitioning can be awkward and stressful at times, it just doesn't compare to the stress of forcing myself into a female role.  The suicidal impulses are gone; the urge to hurt my body is gone (hell, I'm even able to refer to it as *my* body); I think that counts for something. 

As for not really knowing what it's like to be treated as male in society, I feel ya.  I'm still not 100% sure what people gender me as.  I think more than anything, they just treat me like I'm very young.  It's awkward; I sort of feel like I am a teenager because that's how I'm perceived.  I guess my problem is more that I have no idea what it is like to be treated as an adult in society; I have never physically (even when perceived as female) been taken to be more than 18.  Once people get to know me they catch on to my true age, but just out in public... I've always been a kid or a teenager, never an adult.  There's a certain uneasiness that comes with never being perceived correctly and it leads to the question: what will it be like once I am?  I expect it will feel just fine (like coming home, as someone said), though it will take a little getting used to.

Quote from: Eryk on July 07, 2009, 12:41:35 AM
There's a certain uneasiness that comes with never being perceived correctly and it leads to the question: what will it be like once I am?  I expect it will feel just fine (like coming home, as someone said), though it will take a little getting used to.

It is a bit strange for me when people read me as your run of the mill straight male. It's weird not to be weird anymore  . I mean, for my whole life I've been in this gender limbo where people were never sure what/who I was, but now they think I'm... dare I say it, "normal"! But, part of that is just me being quiet around people I don't know well. If you were to get me talking, you'd see I'm as gay as can be. When that happens, it is pretty cool to finally be read the same as how I actually identify!

Anyway, in regard to the question at hand... My experience is sort of a combination of lots of things already mentioned. Being physically male is something I've wanted since my earliest memories. That being said, I didn't really know what it would actually be like. I figured a desire I've had this strongly for 15 years probably wouldn't go away on it's own, and each new step (coming out, binding, passing) made me feel better about myself. I knew it couldn't possibly make things much worse, so I took the red pill. Turns out I was right.

"Leap and the net shall find you."

--

"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?"

--

"All of the significant battles are waged within the self."

I didn't know but I suspected. I had lived part of my teens in my psychological gender and felt more comfortable but it got harder and harder to go back so eventually I quit - it was like a tease for something I could never have. (SRS wasn't available then.) I sunk into deep depression in my early 20's and was quite suicidal by 23. I sure knew what I WASN'T but I still wasn't sure what I was. I didn't find out until the following year when SRS became possible.

What amazed me (afterwards) was how I could ever have doubted!

I knew at childhood. Unfortunately it took me about forty years to do much about it 

Quote from: Northern Jane on July 08, 2009, 06:05:30 PM
I sure knew what I WASN'T but I still wasn't sure what I was.

Me too.  

I think I didn't know what I was because I didn't think it would be possible.  Not being suicidal, I had to get on with my life.  I know I will never be as tall as my brother, as pretty as my sister, as rich as the guy around the corner, or as smart as my friend, so why dream that I am? 

Can you spell REPRESSION?

But when I started to let the cage door swing open, all hell broke loose and now I am Katherine.   I never dreamed I could do it.   I feel like I've been given a gift of immeasurable worth.  *happy tears*

- Kate

I'm still very much on the road. But as Cindy I'm at peace. Yes an awful lot of problems, I have no doubts just big issues that I have to cope with. I cannot complete my journey without affecting the very life of my wife. I will not do that.

But after? Peace.

Just blocking T has been so welcoming.
Cindy

YMMV

I'm very glad to have turned control over to Virginia. The angry, frustrated irresponsible devil that was more than ready to raise hell has been benched.
Virginia was always there, and did allot of good things. But she didn't have full control. Unfortunately, it took severe injuries to bring about this kinder and more responsible person who had been there all along but was never allowed to present herself.

Quote from: heatherrose on July 09, 2009, 01:53:05 AM

No, I didn't know my quality of life would be better.
How did an individual born into slavery, in the late eighteen hundreds,
know that the freedom, north of the Mason Dixon Line was better?
From the stories, through the grape vine, of those who had attained their
freedom in the north, perhaps? All That I knew was that I was enslaved within
a facade of my own construction, designed and commissioned by society.
I did not know want kind of life lay in store for me after opening the
"closet door" but I knew it had to be better than living with fear
and self loathing, who where my constant companions.
My life here mid-transition is by no means a
cake walk but it is a dam sight better

great analogy.