I always had a moment of depression or occasional sleepless night, but it was never out of control while I was playing world of warcraft with my friends.  WoW always kept my mind busy and away from my TS issues.  I decided to quit WoW at the beginning of the summer this year and tried to make it as permanent a leave as possible by giving my account info to a friend and asking him to delete my characters. 

It has been a couple weeks now that I have not been playing and I've had so much free time that I'm constantly thinking about my TS issues.  I came by this site shortly after I quit WoW and it helped a lot, but as the days passed my depression grew worse.  I finally managed to do what I had thought impossible for years, I told one of my best friends.  I was so nervous that even after he accepted me for who I was I was physically shaking uncontrollably.  At the same time though I was happier then I had been in years.

It has now been over a week since I told him, and the topic hasn't been brought up once since I told him, it is as if nothing happened at all.  While this is exactly what I had hoped for I still want to be able to talk about it with him, but I'm too hesitant to bring it up because it's obviously awkward for him and I don't want to scare him off.  I have wanted to tell other friends, but it has been harder then ever to come out again and I really just want to talk with that one friend before I start opening up to my other friends.

So for that week it has just been me and my thoughts.  As the days went by my depression got worse and worse and I am now writing this post during my third in a row sleepless night.  Lately my life has seemed more and more hopeless, suicidal thoughts have entered my mind.  It's not helping that my friend and I had schedueled multiple dates in which to get together and every time he has an excuse to not go.  I am a very insecure and paranoid person and am always thinking the worst of every situation. 

I'm having a horrible week and really just want someone to talk to, I have been really lonely for a long time.

Ouch Janah,

I hid in an online game when i was in a deep depression. My way out involved going for daily walks and slowly getting involved in life again by getting a job, and going to school online.

I understand your need to reach someone to talk to, that is human nature.  I am willing to listen as are many on susan's but i realize its not the same as a real live human hug and ear.

Try a hobby or physical activity as they are both known to relieve depression. You may also want to talk to a therapist as they are real and will listen as well as able to give (hopefully) better advice than any layperson.

Please continue to post and let us know how tomorrow goes.

I really want to see a therapist, but I'm having a lot of trouble telling my parents about this and I don't know how to go about it on my own.




Hopefully 2moro should be better, my friend is suppose to come over.  I just hope he can actually come this time.

I didn't tell my parents, the newspaper did.  They still talk to me (infrequently) as usual but they told my daughter several things which basically say they will in no way accept the fact that I am him not her.

I also use video games to escape my issues. I feel its okay to do so if you understand that its merely a distraction, and not the only possible one. As LordKAT said, physical activity, having some local friends to lean on. Those are also important. I am pretty much always available to talk =] If you have any messenger, feel free to add me. I have some video game recomendations I could make that are fun and free. They aren't necessarily very time consuming, which will be good to allow you some time to seek other outlets. Which I could also make some recomendations there as well. Whatever happens, good luck.

  I had a good day today.  I went to my friends house with a bunch of guys from his church and we played guitar hero for hours.  They made me sing the first song, and while I love to sing I've never really sung in public, I usually just mutter to myself or sing when I walk to school, so I was really nervous, but it was fun.  We spent the whole time just talking, joking around, taking turns on different instruments of guitar hero.  Turned out to be a great day.

Quote from: Janah on July 12, 2009, 03:47:12 AM
I really want to see a therapist, but I'm having a lot of trouble telling my parents about this and I don't know how to go about it on my own.




Hopefully 2moro should be better, my friend is suppose to come over.  I just hope he can actually come this time.

Try to relax and slowdown a bit. You have just given up your drug the video games and the things you are feeling is real life creeping back in. Get used to your feelings before you go telling everyone. 

I think your best idea was a therapist. I would say you could explain to your parents that you have these feeling but need a therapist to validate them. This way your not committed and they don't have to be totally committed up front either. (easier for them) this lets them feel around a bit talk amongst themselves and also takes pressure of of you without jumping off the cliff.

Anyway thats just my first impression and suggestion that comes to mind!! I hope everything goes well for you.

Sincerely,
Kristina

Wow I can relate to the video games. I've played just about all the really good FPS games out there. Is Quake 5 coming anytime soon?

I wonder why hiding in these games is so fun. I played Unreal Tournament so much I went through two keyboards and at least three mice. I got lost in insta gib and zark.

Now I'd rather buff my nails and color my hair and watch What not to Wear. I sip Coco Bon wine and eat 42% cocao chocolate and shop for shoes online because I cannot sleep at night. On average I may get 2-3 hours. I'm at the point of fatigue and exhaustion.

I know how you feel Janah. All too well.