Hi everyone, you'll have to excuse the terrible username, I've been lurking on these forums for the past half a year and just now decided to post.

I've thought about introducing myself here several times now, but for some reason decided that right now was the right time.

I had planned to just make a thread in the HRT forum with my question and a brief introduction, but then my brief introduction became kinda, not so brief. So I figured I'd post it in the more general forum in stead.

Back in December last year I had a bit of an epiphany, something that I've had in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember, that I even pursued to a small degree when I was very young, but for some reason pushed to the back of my mind for a bit over a decade. I didn't even know the word for it until for some reason last year it became clear. Mentally I feel like I'm supposed to be female. I've felt that way for as long as I can remember, but for some reason never thought about it directly. Almost like it was semi-subconscious. I don't really know how to explain it. It was something I knew but never acted on, to everyone else I just put up a well acted front of normalcy. In my mind however, I thought of myself as female, but with a sort of "biology is biology, things just are the way they are" mindset. I don't know how to explain it any better. However, back in December I went through a bit of a stressful event, nothing too major or unusual, just the general stresses of life. But while it was happening, something changed, and what I've had in the back of my mind all this time came to the front. After that, I started doing research on what I had been feeling, it was through that I found out exactly what it was called, and shortly after found this forum and the various other well known transexuality websites.

After realizing this, and consequentially realizing that I could have, and should have realized this many years ago and done something. Since then I've been struggling with depression, or at least that's what I've been told by people who're close enough to notice my change in personality and be concerned for me. Unlike my gender issues which I've been quite able to hide from everybody, even to a degree myself, since I was a child. The people who know me know I've changed. Some have suggested I goto a doctor about my depression, but I've been reluctant too, until I understand what these feelings mean, and why this has become a problem for me now, instead of years ago. I feel like years of subtle lying have made it hard for me to share my real feelings with anybody. I hope I don't sound too self centered, I know some people have reached their late 30s and 40s before reaching a point where they feel they can't continue living this way, I'm a few months shy of 21. But I can't help but feeling angry at myself for not doing something sooner.

My depression or gender dysphoria has become so bad that there have been a few times where I've considered suicide. Something I had never considered before in my life. I simply don't know what to do.

On the one hand I feel like I should try to transition into the roll that I feel like I was always supposed to be, on the other hand I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I don't know if I could be happy living like that. But at the same time I know I'm not happy pretending to be a normal guy. Even before this I wasn't what I would call "content" with it. But I always kept it in the back of my mind, and lied to myself.

I would like to know if anyone else has had experiences like this, where you've known the truth about yourself on some level the whole time, but at the same time you've lied to yourself, and in some way deceived everyone who knows you by putting on an act of normality. Only to have it all change very suddenly and for seemingly no reason?

I would also like to know what sort of passibility comes with starting hormones and transitioning at 21. From what I've found, at least online, a very large number of transsexuals begin transitioning much later in life, when hormones usually are much slower and less effective. And most of the information I've seen about HRT is the success of that. I haven't been able to find much about how successful transition is for someone much younger like myself.

What I'd really like to see is just sort of results, particularly in appearance (superficial I know) for people who transition around 21.

I really hope nobody takes offense to this, but the results I've seen from HRT on people more around middle age haven't been all that successful from purely a shallow appearance point of view. But the little I've seen from in the 20's range have in general been very very passable. But then again, I haven't found all that much information about HRT success in that age bracket. There's information for much much younger individuals, and much much older individuals, but not quite so clear in the middle.

I've felt very angry at myself for not doing something years ago, but I'm terrified that if I do nothing now, if I keep pretending, I'll just end up hating myself even more, for not doing something when I knew I should.

Your feelings are quite common but what you really need to do is see a therapist that specializes in Gender Indentity Disorder. They will be able to help you work through the things you talked about in your post and then you'll know what you need to do from there. As far as HRT is concerned, if you are 21 then you are doing it at as close to the perfect time as is possible physically speaking since most of the masculinization of the body happens in the mid 20's (that's when you thicken out and your face and body begin to look 'hard'). That being said; I wouldn't worry too much about how you'll look, the only way you'll ever know is by transitioning, instead worry about getting into therapy so you can really work on the important stuff.

I don't think that the dysphoria kills people, its the depression and obsession that arise out of it that does the damage, find someone to help you.

As someone more than three times your age , please allow me a few comments:

Don't beat yourself up because you didn't do this earlier or even realize this was what you want/need.  Look back only to inform the present, but regrets get you nowhere.

Talk to someone trained to help work out what you want and need to do.  Do not try to do this just puzzling it out in your head.  Get help.  (It really helps.)

Hormone therapy at your age is more effective than it is later.  I've been on hormones four months now.  The changes people see are subtle and may not seem much.  The changes I feel inside are wonderful!  But before you start, you  want to work with a guide to help you through the process - a therapist.

Your story is yours, but it is similar to many of us here.  Get your head on straight.  Then getting your body straightened out will be a lot easier.

Good luck.  And what should we call you?  Somehow asfsd4214 seems so impersonal.

- Kate

your story is very typical girl. i wish i could have started transition at your age, i'm 52 now and been on hormones for a year. i agree go find a good therapist and go from there.

Hi asfsd4214 ,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome sweetie!!!

HUGS hon. Welcome to Susan's!! Please come in dear, and sit with me while I get you some cocoa and cookies from the kitchen. Sweetie, let's chat for a bit shall we? Now sweetie you are still very very young and you are realizing the gift you have. That is so wonderful!! Never hate yourself for not taking action sooner or realizing sooner hon. It is never too late! True, it is typical that the younger you are, the more responsive your body is to HRT. With that being said hon, I know women that did not start their transition until their late fifties and one of my friends in particular, not until she was in her sixties!! Well... they are complete knockouts!!!

I know there is this tendency once you begin to understand who you are to then rush like the dickens to transition. Even tempted to circumvent the medical community and self-medicate yourself with hormones. Please, do not even go there hon!! Taking hormones without the guide of an endocrinologist is extremely dangerous and can lead to liver failure, heart disease, even death.

Now afsd, listen to me very carefully... You are going to need to setup appointments with a gender therapist (there are some available online if you don't have any in your area). Your gender therapist will assess your needs and where you are. If your gender therapist identifies you with GID then your therapist will write you the coveted letters for HRT and SRS. You must have these letters before you begin HRT!!! Have the hormones prescribed appropriately complete with bloodwork and monitoring... OK hon.

In the meantime, you can begin your transition by experimenting with crossdressing, shaving, nailpolish, jewelery, perfume, shoes, etc, etc. This will help you so much to feel yourself!!!

You are now on your journey, be patient!! You will arrive hon!!!

HUGS

Brenda

Hello, and welcome to the forums.  Come on in!
A lot of what you say is the same for many of us.  Years and decades can go by, where we know deep down who we really are, but insist on going down the cis road as "assigned". And yes, later transitioners like myself don't get quite the impact from hrt as a 20 yr old.  I started at 55, now I'm 58.  But in my case, if I had started at 20, I would look waaaaaay better "on a shallow level", but I would have missed out on all the other things in my existence that I needed.

I've seen lots of results for the 20-something transitioning crowd, and the effects are dramatically better for 20-something than 30 to 50-something crowd.  But then, no matter the age, like Forest says, "yuh nevuh no whuttcha gunna get....."

Enjoy the chocolates
Bev

Hi everyone, sorry for the lack of a reply, but not to sound dramatic, things have gotten substantially worse for me since my initial post.


It's starting to look very much like I have multiple sclerosis or some other neurological disorder. I had some neurological symptoms in June, followed by some others I dismissed shortly until developing classic "optic neuritis" symptoms a few weeks ago, for those of you who don't know, optic neuritis is a nerve inflammation (or something very similar) disorder which causes eye sight problems, usually (and in my case) in one eye, which usually resolve to a large degree though often leave some permanent eye nerve damage. I'm seeing a neurologist later in the week and will most likely end up being given an MRI.

Funnily enough though, all of this has served to make my gender identity issues a hundred times worse. I spend most of my time worrying more about GID than MS.

On a semi-positive note, my depression since the beginning of the year, followed by these symptoms, have lead to me finally being honest to my Mum for the first time since I was a child. She took the news of my Transgender issues pretty well, and has said she'll support me in whatever I do. So I suppose in that sense, I'm quite lucky. Not quite as lucky as people without Gender Identity and MS issues, but still.

I'm trying to work out who to see about my GID issues, I live in Brisbane, QLD, Australia and if anybody knows any good psychiatrists with experience in GID issues, or knows anyone who might know, I'd very much appreciate any recommendations. Really any opinions are welcome right now.

The one thing that's still terrifying me about transitioning is passing. Hardly an uncommon fear, and it probably sounds a bit self-absorbed to those that didn't transition until substantially later. I've also been worrying about the long term health implications of HRT. It seems quite proven that it can increase your risk of blood clotting and strokes, and strokes already are EXTREMELY prevalent on one side of my family after about 40-50. Plus I haven't treated my body that well up till now anyway. I suppose I'd rather live a good life for 50-60 years than a conflicted one for even longer, especially if I have MS.

So yeah, if anyone knows anything about who to see in the Brisbane area, or who might know that I could ask, or about MS and any implications that might have on HRT, or any wisdom of any kind really, I'd appreciate it.

As for what to call me, I didn't initially pick a good nickname when I registered, I seem to recall initially registering so I could use the search feature, but it seems to be usable without registration now. I'd prefer not to give my legal name because, well, I don't like it. But I'm also not comfortable picking another  name. Call me whatever you like I guess. 

Thanks for the replies, hopefully no more life altering bombshells will be dropped on me in the meantime and I will be a bit more active on the forums. Thanks.

Well you have taken the first steps toward resolving the problem - talking to your Mom and looking for medical help. Keep moving and you will be able to handle the depression better, and don't worry about "passing" - the more in touch you become with your inner feelings and the more you begin expressing them the more that will come naturally.

I was pretty much where you are nearly 40 years ago, before there was much help available, and I made it so you can to. After 35 years I can say with no hesitation, IT'S WORTH IT!

Thanks for getting back to us, asfsd.  Don't worry about the name - it'll come naturally.  (Yes, don't use your legal name.  There are a lot of trolls on the internet.)

That's tough about the MS.  I hope that will be manageable.  But it's great about your mum.  This journey is a lot easier with supporters.  And as the others have said, don't worry about passing - it'll come naturally, too, as you become comfortable with this. 

I can't help you finding a therapist in Brisbane since I live in North America.  A gender specialist will probably help the most but isn't always necessary.  I go to a regular counselor who has been very helpful to me.

Yes, HRT can increase the risk of blood clots.  That's another reason you want to do it through the supervision and with the  monitoring of a qualified doctor.

When you're standing on the valley floor, the mountain looks like an impossible climb.  But as you take each step you become stronger and more capable.  Don't look too far into the future; concentrate on the steps you can take now to begin.  Being honest with your mum was a HUGE step, so you've already begun.  Good for you.

*hugs*
Kate

I'm in NSW, not QLD... but I KNOW 100% for sure you guys have a really good gender clinic up there in Brisbane. I just don't know their contact details... sorry  .

I THINK the gender clinic in QLD people talk about is ATSAQ (Australian Transgenderist Support Assoc of QLD). It's a non-profit "providing support, referral, counselling and information". They have a crappy website at www . atsaq . com, but I have a phone number for them that is (07) 3843 5024.

I've also got details for a "Brisbane Gender Clinic". "Doctors from private practices with an understanding of the transgender community are available for consultation by appointment each Wednesday afternoon 1:30pm - 5:30 pm". (07) 3837 5645, Level 1, 270 Roma Street Brisbane. They don't sound so non-profit, I'd be getting in touch with the other guys first.

Phone numbers and details were current as of a month or two ago, so they still should be good.

Anyway - hope this helps you get started. Good Luck!   

You are going through the same things that many of us have faced.  Don't worry too much about the MS thing until you get your test results back.  I went through something similar and the problem turned out to be something else.  I still have that something else but it helps me just knowing exactly what it is.  Once you know the problem, you'll be able to address the issues and make peace with yourself.

The same is true with the GID.  Once you start addressing it, you'll eventually come to the point where you can deal with it.  You are young.  That's a good thing for you should you decide to transition.  Yes, there may be some health consequences with transition. That's a tradeoff decision you will have to deal with.

Cindi

Hi again, sadly I only have more bad news. MRI results came in today, multiple lesions on my brain and at least one on my spine indicative of multiple sclerosis.

No idea how badly this will complicate my risks from transition. Speaking of which, I've made an appointment with a doctor to try and get a referral to a psychologist.

Right now I have no idea what my prognosis is from MS, will speak to my neurologist first thing next week so she can tell me what the more technical parts of the MRI results mean.

All I know so far from the results is that I have quite a few lesions and that they're indicative of MS.

I'm trying very hard to stay positive. Thanks for listening everyone.

I hope your consult with the neurologist goes well.  I'll be pulling for you.

*hugs*
Kate

Hi everyone, saw my neurologist a few days ago, she pretty much said I have multiple sclerosis, and recommended a drug called betaferon, which is a type of interferon medication that somehow interacts with the immune system to reduce the damage caused by MS.

My greatest fear right now though is what does this mean for transitioning?

I've seen a doctor and gotten a referral to a psychiatrist that was listed by the transgender support association of queensland (where I live).

What I'd really like to know is does anyone here have any experience, or know someone with any experience on the subject of transitioning with multiple sclerosis. Or developing it after transitioning?

Would it be a good idea to start a new dedicated thread about this?

Thanks again for any information.

Quote from: asfsd4214 on July 13, 2009, 09:09:17 AM

I would also like to know what sort of passibility comes with starting hormones and transitioning at 21. From what I've found, at least online, a very large number of transsexuals begin transitioning much later in life, when hormones usually are much slower and less effective. And most of the information I've seen about HRT is the success of that. I haven't been able to find much about how successful transition is for someone much younger like myself.

What I'd really like to see is just sort of results, particularly in appearance (superficial I know) for people who transition around 21.

I really hope nobody takes offense to this, but the results I've seen from HRT on people more around middle age haven't been all that successful from purely a shallow appearance point of view. But the little I've seen from in the 20's range have in general been very very passable. But then again, I haven't found all that much information about HRT success in that age bracket. There's information for much much younger individuals, and much much older individuals, but not quite so clear in the middle.

Ok, I began hormones just shy of 21 about 9 months ago.  I began passing consistently at around the 6-8 month mark.  I kept to a pretty strict diet though, which allowed me to get rid of the male patterns of fat quick and develop a female figure.  Pretransition, I looked mostly like a typical 21-yo guy, perhaps a bit on the androgynous side with wider hips and not very tall.  Other than that, it was all hormones which allowed me to pass.

For you, it depends on your unique traits.  Unless you look very masculine for our age, odds are you'll be in a pretty good place after a year HRT, and increasingly moreso as time progresses.  And if you aren't sure about hormones quite yet, you can see about getting on an anti-androgen to delay further masculinization without permanent changes.

QuoteI've felt very angry at myself for not doing something years ago, but I'm terrified that if I do nothing now, if I keep pretending, I'll just end up hating myself even more, for not doing something when I knew I should.

Yeh, I know exactly how you feel.  Personally I berate myself, "How could I have not heard about this sooner!?"  I would have transitioned in my teens had the topic of transsexuality not been kept in a haze of shame and secrecy by a bigoted society.  Sigh... if someone had simply mentioned it just once in all my adolescent years... it would have taken, what, 5 seconds?  No, instead I spent hundreds of hours learning about the danger of drugs (which I've never done), sines, cosines, sentence diagrams and the proper time to use who or whom, none of which I'll ever find helpful in my day-to-day life; while at the same time I plunged obliviously deeper into the irreversible effects of testosterone. 

It can make one feel a little bitter that TS issues are of such little importance and/or shame that it goes unheard of for 20 years by someone literally struggling for their life not knowing treatment exists. 

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Post Merge: August 20, 2009, 02:51:24 PM

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Quote from: asfsd4214 on August 20, 2009, 04:59:50 AM
Hi everyone, saw my neurologist a few days ago, she pretty much said I have multiple sclerosis, and recommended a drug called betaferon, which is a type of interferon medication that somehow interacts with the immune system to reduce the damage caused by MS.

My greatest fear right now though is what does this mean for transitioning?

I've seen a doctor and gotten a referral to a psychiatrist that was listed by the transgender support association of queensland (where I live).

What I'd really like to know is does anyone here have any experience, or know someone with any experience on the subject of transitioning with multiple sclerosis. Or developing it after transitioning?

From what I understand, females have a more favorable prognosis with MS.  I'm not sure what the reason is for this.

http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/109680534/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0

QuoteEarly age at onset, female sex, relapsing-remitting course at onset, and perhaps optic neuritis or sensory symptoms at onset and relatively few attacks in the first two years are associated with a favorable course.

Often, such differences are attributable to the distinct hormones males and females have.  Testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone all have quite significant neurological effects.

For example - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progesterone#Brain_damage

Good luck to you in everything!  You have a lot to think about it right now, and I wish all the best for you.

While I am from the other side and can't offer any more advice than has been given, I just want to say what a brave young woman you are for all of this.  MS and GID are separately difficult to deal with; together, even more so.  You are taking good steps, as small as they may seem, to getting yourself in a better place.  If you can find a good doctor, I have no doubt in mind that they will work with you to bring your body in line with your mind, regardless of any medical conditions you may have.  Life is one big risk.  Life is a health risk in itself, and at any moment we may begin to develop diseases, infections, or something of the sort.  I think, even with risks hanging right over our heads, we have to think about our quality of life.  Even with the potential risks of HRT, I think not only would alleviating your depression help with your health in general, but may help on a scientific basis due to the evidence that women have a better chance at combatting MS.  Most of this is hormonal, and perhaps estrogen would do you well in more than one way.

Whatever you choose to do, remember that your personal happiness and well-being are the most important things in life.  No matter which hand you are dealt - whether it be particularly favorable or not - there is always a way to be content, even happy, in your life.  Take care of yourself.

Hi again, just figured I'd post a little update on how things have been going.

On the plus side, I've been on MS medication which I have to give myself with an injection every 2 days, and  started having another MS relapse just prior to starting the medication, right now it's quite hard to move my left arm and leg, and the sensation for them both is all screwed up.  The plus side of that is I've had pretty much none of the "flu-like" side effects that are common with the medication I'm taking. Though they start you out on a 1/4th dose and then work up 1/4th every two weeks until you're on the full dose to reduce side effects and get my body used to it.

On the transition side of things, with little I can do about my MS issues apart from what I'm already doing, my aims have shifted exclusively onto transitioning, and in that regard things could be going better.

So far the only pleasant experience has been with my GP, who's been as helpful and supportive as possible. I'm at a bit of a loss on what to do in order to get access to hormones. I still haven't been able to find anyone in Brisbane or even Australia really to get in contact with to find out how they've done it. The two main people who's names keep coming up as far as transgender stuff goes is a GP and a psychiatrist, neither of whom I can get in to see until November and December.

I went to see the psychiatrist I mentioned last post, who pretty much said that she can't/isn't willing to do anything and I should see the aforementioned GP.

I then went to a different psychiatrist and got a similar, yet substantially worse result. Basically the other psychiatrist said in so many words "hormones barely do anything and you should and would be expected to be dressing in a stereotypically female manner for an indefinite period of time by the standards of care in queensland". Which is in fact NOT the standards of care listed by the support associations website, which are pretty much just a localized copy of the WPATH SoC's. I asked at the time where these supposed standards of care come from, and she couldn't tell me. She also said that regardless she, like the other psych, doesn't prescribe anything and I need to see the aforementioned GP.

So I'm a bit at a loss on what to do next except to keep calling people until I get a different answer. I sure as hell don't plan to intentionally humiliate myself jumping through arbitrary hoops to fit outdated and absurd standards of "care".

I don't really have any questions, I just thought I'd post an update on how things were going. As always, any replies are appreciated. 

I'm glad for you that your MS is being addressed and that there are indications it may be controllable.

I don't know what to tell you about transitioning.  I started full-time less than three weeks after going on hormones, but I've heard tales of people being on hormones for years before full-time and being full-time long before hormones.  Who knows?  I guess it depends on your situation. 

My GP is prescribing my hormones and monitoring the effects.  I know not all GPs will do that.

I've learned that it never helps to get into a p***ing match with a gatekeeper.  You need to approach the keeper differently or try a different gate.

I'm sorry I'm not of much help.  Sometimes all I can do is listen to your story and offer a virtual *hug*.

Keep on trying.

- Kate