Several weeks ago I started therapy to conquer my eating disorder. Besides the obvious change of diet and habits, my therapist is also attacking the emotional and psychological components at the same time. I told her right at the beginning about my GID as well as my background growing up, etc.

These last few weeks have been hell on earth. So many emotions are running through me at once, and Im having to come face to face with my past and myself. There are no more places to hide. I asked my regular therapist if there was a correlation between my bulimia and my GID. Both therapists absolutely concur that they are tightly intertwined. This was part of what drove me to come out to my parents last Friday night. I just know, dont ask me how, that to successfully conquer this disease I needed to come out as well.

As you can probably imagine, dealing with my eating disorder has opened up such a rash of emotions that Ive been feeling overwhelmed. Im going to do my best to explain what Im feeling right now.

Two things happened last night that are making me an emotional mess.

First, having gained the confidence from coming out to my parents, I chose yesterday to come out to one of my closest friends. I grew up with her and her husband, and they are as close to me as family. I felt more comfortable telling her first... not sure I can explain why, but I know her husband will be accepting as well.

I met with her yesterday afternoon and told her the whole thing. To say she looked stunned would be an understatement. She is supportive, but she seemed pained. She knew nothing of my eating disorder, GID, abuse growing up. I think she feels guilty that she didnt know and couldnt help me these last 30-40 years. I think that she also is losing the image of me she held onto for so long. I know from others who have posted one of the hardest things those that are close to us have to deal with is context change. Its a paradox... we are no longer the person they knew, yet we are still the same person they always knew, except that now we have revealed a side to us they didnt see. She expressed her fear that I would have a difficult time with the others. But she didnt say that to discourage me... it was more, I guess, the need to try and shield me from pain. Thats the difference between selfishness and true friendship.

I think one of the things I have been in constant struggle with is both the drive and the fear to move on. For the last couple of days I have experienced a couple of panic attacks and felt paralyzed, yet I also cant stop and go back to the way things were. I am in such a flood of emotions and feelings, and its got nothing to do with the others -- its coming from inside of me.

Which brings me to the second point. I emailed a friend who has successfully transitioned about what happened with my parents Friday night. Her response was positive support, yet again I felt a flood of emotions. Its hard not to compare myself to others around me like those on the forum. You all seem so strong and confident and sometimes I feel so conflicted and confused. One of things I need to deal with is self image. Sometimes I feel like Im just not strong like everyone else. I cant even articulate what Im trying to describe.

I think the thing that ties all this together is countering a lifetime of negative self image brought on by standing toe to toe with my demons. 4 1/2 decades of feeling damaged and shame has taken a toll. The irony is that in mustering the courage to fight for my survival I feel the fears that have gripped me for so long.

As if thats not enough emotion to deal with, the rational and intellectual side of me says its been 45 years dealing with this, and its not rational to assume that I can change things in what amounts to a brief instant compared to life lived till this point. Ive seen posts a thousand times cautioning that this is not a race... I know I just have to take this one day at a time.

I debated whether to post this or not, and thought not to because I feel like its old news to others who've been down this road already. I told this to a friend who has also been through this already, her response was unexpected:

"It isn't old news to you, now, is it.  Think of those who will read your note if you posted it.  There will be those who are just starting out that will look at what you wrote and say, "She came out, she can do it. So can I!"."

It isnt just about the GID. I havent exactly been successful so far with dealing with my bulimia, and its taken a huge hit on my confidence level. I have been crying for the last couple of days, and even now I am on the verge of tears again. I swear this is the hardest damned thing I have ever done. Intellectually I know this will pass, as I doubt I am the only one who has gone down this road. But inside of me I am feeling distraught like Ive failed myself. I am glad that I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow.

Im sorry if this post seems incoherant.. its the best I can do at the moment. 

Stacy,

You are dealing with some many things at once that it may seem to be overwhelming.  But each day is a new day and all with come together in time.  I know that may seem it a line of BS.  But I really believe that it is true.

You can and will overcome anything.  And I have faith in that.  You have found friends and family that are supportive.  And you have your therapist.  Emotional problems required hard work, but in the end it is worth it.

Stay strong, Dear Sister.  Rely on your friends and family in troubled time for strength.  And we are here in your corner.

Janet

Stacy-

I think that you've already done one of the hardest things, which is to open up to others and to be honest with yourself. It is a process, and it does take time. You are now trying to unwind years of acting as another person, and are now being true to yourself - of course you are feeling overwhelmed! But you've now taken those first few steps.

Give yourself time for this sister. It is a huge change.

And you are among family here, lean on us when the road gets hard.

Wow girl!  You have alot goin on..,but what i try to do is to think in a prospective of goals and timelines.  I dont know enough about you to make an assumption on your past, so i can not or would not give advice on what you are saying without know more of your background, but from what i am reading, it sounds like you are basically in a whirlwind of variances of emotion and past experiences that are making you either unsure of  yourself, or convidence/self-esteem.  I would (and i know it can be difficult)..try to prioritize your goals and what you want to accomplish, even if you have to keep a log on a daily or wkly basis.  Set goals and  set future goals that you want to achieve.  Are you on hrt?  I do know hormone levels if  not monitored  properly and dosaging can cause emotional mood swings..so perhaps getting you blood levels checked may help in this.  Try to question also in your mind, what is it that is bothering or your dislikes within yourself....could be you are overly reacting to things  that  you do not necessarly have to be dwelling on or making too much  out of it.  From what i read from your post, you are basically a good person..Sometimes tell ppl can work for or against you, depending on the person and the moral views.  I would not personally go on a specific persons viewpoint.  You are the best judge of yourself...You know who you are and where your going.  Even if you can accomplish one set goal a wk..you will advance into what your true intensions are..without the help of someone that is just trying to analyze you.  If there are past  episodes in your life that were traumatic, a therapist can  help you  overcome, but it is up  to you to move on...At some point in life we all have obsticles in life  to overcome, and  sometimes we just  have  to  let go  and  take life as it  comes.  You know  you are a good person...if you have negatives and it is brought  on by past experiences or other ppl..you have to dismiss this negativity within yourself and move on.  Surround yourself with pos ppl do what you want in life...Who cares if someone isnt on the  same page as you.  You are an individual..you are YOU  and no one can take that  away from you.  Everyone is special in their own way.  Dont ever let anyone or a neg past experience get in the way of what you want in life.  You control your destiny  ultimately, not others.  This is where you will find the strength that i know you have. Good luck  and  keep positive. 0x

Sweety,

Take it easy and slow dear, that whole one day at at time deal, problems that took a long time to develop, take a long time to deal with.

Oh my sister Stacey. Take your sister Virginia's hand and let's walk awhile and all the sisters and bro.s come along. Many may seem very confident and some are. Many have developed a tough outer emotional skin and display confidence then go home and cry themselves to sleep.

We are all here with you. We will confront and conquer various difficulties including eating disorders.

You are not alone

As you walk through the hills and valleys, deserts and plains, we are all here with you. Although I prefer to walk along the beach 

BTW- I'm 47 nearly 48

Take Care - Virginia

Hi Stacy

I'm here for you well Honey. Look how far you have come, how much you have overcome. You have had a hard lifr but you are achieving things. I' so glad your friend accepted it. She sounds like the close GG I came out to who had known as a male for about 30 yrs. She was completely knocked for six when she met Cindy. But she has accepted me.

Keep on going Stacy and remeber that family is just an email away.

Love and Hugs
Cindy

I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. Life can really suck at times. Do you feel better after talking with your therapist?

Stacy!

First, *HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*!!!

Actually, the hardest part is over.  You have come out to yourself!

You recognize that there is something inside you that you need to deal with and you are.  Much of the rest is simply telling the world that you want to be treated as who you are, not who they expect you to be.

Also recognize something else.  Like the djinni from the lamp, or the toothpaste from the tube, you can't put it back.  You have started on a path that you need to travel for your very existence!  Do not fear where you will end up for there your life is.  Birth is inevitable.  It is life!  Welcome to living!

-Sandy