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Maybe you feel this way because you actually are a girl? That is something you just can't get over. I live inside an alien too .

You are not as manly as you think you are...

I don't think it is about hormones. People have tried for years and years to find a 'cure', but I don't think anyone has found a satisfactory one - assuming you believe it to be something that you cure.

What you are missing is your gender identity is not external, it comes from within. Certainly you are probably physically a boy - your sex is male, but your gender can be otherwise.

Some transgenders perceive that their body is the defect, others the mind. Many don't think they are defective at all. What if there is something 'wrong' with your mind and that mind is incurably wrong? Where does that leave you? What is wrong with becoming the girl you feel you should be?

Take the money that you would usually spend on drowning your sorrows and killing the pain and put it into a "my transition" account. You'll be surprised at how fast it adds up and you'll feel better.

Self acceptance is often one of the biggest hurdles we all face. Do you want to face it now or later? Face yourself, own yourself and be yourself. Boy? Girl? A mix of both? Only you can decide.

You do have some rather nice features. Make good use of that 

Anima,

I had to deal with life while sober before I was able to tackle my gender issues.

For me the list to cover went as follows. 1. Stop drinking. Thankfully for me this was much easier than it has been for others. 2. Find out why I was drinking upto 2 bottles of gin a day in the first place. 3. Lived life sober for an extended period of time. 4. Started to face head on my GID issues.
Even though my being TS, and the woe is me attitude, was part of my so-called reasons to drink in the first place.


The first, and a major, part of recovery is to stabilize the patient. Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health are all components of recovery. But it all begins with being able to put aside the chemicals that enslave us, dont trade the valium for the booze. Be honest with your doctor, because your also lying to yourself.

Best of luck to you hon'
Mich'

Quote from: Anima on July 16, 2009, 09:24:55 PM
Well, obviously I am a guy. If I asked someone on the street: "what gender am I?" then I'm sure all of them would have said I am a man.

On the outside, yes. On the inside, only you can know (although nowadays it's possible for others to have a pretty good guess after a proper autopsy, not that this would help you very much ). Anyway, the thing is that your subconscious sex won't change: if you feel you 'should' have a female body you will continue to have at least some discomfort in a male one, whatever you do, and the only way to get completely free of this particular discomfort is to have the body changed to match how you feel. By now transsexuality has been known long enough that this is pretty much certain.

Quote from: Anima on July 16, 2009, 09:24:55 PM
So maybe I'm actually am guy, but there is just something wrong with my mind? I can't see how I am actually a girl just because I am a bit weird. It could just as well be opposite. Couldn't it? 

Depends on what you mean by 'guy' and 'girl'. There's an increasing amount of research suggesting that people like us have our brains gendered in a different way from how our bodies are. It's not certain yet, but the competing theories have less evidence supporting them, so it's the one I'm believing at the moment. In a sense, it's a matter of choice whether you want to consider yourself a guy who has the mind of a girl, or a girl who has the body of a guy. Either way, the usual meanings of 'guy' and 'girl' don't match exactly. Is a hexagon a square or a circle?

Quote from: Anima on July 16, 2009, 09:24:55 PM
But one thing that bothers me a bit is the idea of I could just get some kind of manly man hormones, then I'm not sure if I would like it at all, cause I'm thinking that my body would become maybe like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but in my mind I would be a even more unhappy girl.

This about sums it up. It's been tried, it doesn't work, the results are what you suspect they would be. It seems possible that one of the issues here is hormonal, and that to feel this way you did indeed have too little testosterone -- but that this happened some time during the middle third of your mum's pregnancy. By the time you grew up enough to know about gender it was already much too late.

So go by the advice the others have given, it looks good.

  Nfr

Anima, sweetie...you look really cute in the first picture.  From what you've been saying, and this is just me thinking aloud, it sounds like you're a girl.  That doesn't mean there is anything wrong, there's nothing weird or wrong about being yourself.  If you find that you are comfortable being a girl, then be a girl!  It's really not as bad as you're making it out to be.

Quote from: Anima on July 17, 2009, 02:35:53 PM
Do I want menstruation and PMS? No way!

If you ever transitioned to live as female, you might be a bit moody on hormones (I am sometimes), but there is no menstruation.  Unless you were born physically female, it's impossible to menstruate.

Quote from: Anima on July 17, 2009, 02:35:53 PMliterally felt that I had breasts and I constantly had to check to make sure, and I felt disappointed when I knew it was just some kind of delusion...I wouldn't want to wear skirts and high heeled shoes or stuff like that. I would probably use loose pants and boxers. I don't feel drawn to the stereotypical woman figure at all, so I'm not sure what makes me feel that I am one.

If you were disappointed, then perhaps that is your internal body map telling you that there are suppose to be breasts there?  And if you were to transition, there is no law stating that you have to act a certain way; If you chose to transition, you can be any kind of woman you want to be!  Not every woman wears skirts or high heels.  I have gg friends who almost never wear heels or makeup or wear skirts, but they're still women.

Quote from: Anima on July 16, 2009, 09:24:55 PM
A friend actually said "you need to get some estrogen drained from you" and I didn't do anything at all to try to be girly, I was under the impression that I was just like any other guy. And I saw a documentary about genders, and it said that most guys can't cross their legs twice, but I can that. And I got a thin waist with broader hips, a ex said that I walked like a girl. When I look myself in the mirror from behind after a shower I look more like a girl then a guy (sorry for the details). And I could mention loads of things about personality that I guess is something that comes natural for guys, that I lack, but I'm not sure if that is about hormones

Does any of those "feminine" body features or behaviors bother you?  Or do you feel comfortable expressing yourself that way?

Quote from: Anima on July 17, 2009, 02:35:53 PMYeah, I'm doing my best, only seems like if I get one tiny little problem in my life - something that feels that it is going against me, then I end up drinking. And I don't only drink because I feel sorry for myself, but also because I'm bored. Life feels empty and pointless, but if I drink at least something is happening.

Drinking is hardly a good or healthy way to pass time.  Do you have any hobbies?  I like expressing myself creatively; drawing, painting, woodworking, models & miniatures.  What do you like to do?  If you don't know, try taking up a hobby and get away from the booze.  It'll help you think clearer so you can figure things out.

Quote from: Anima on July 17, 2009, 02:35:53 PMThanks, do you have any suggestions of what I could do to make good use of it?

Your hair is already grown out, which puts you at an advantage if you wanted to transition.  My suggestion would be, if you wanted, to find ways to style it in a feminine manner.  Talk to female friends or look through the wiki or forum here, there's lots of info on hairstyles.

Also, you have beautiful blue eyes, you could play those up with some eyeshadow of various colors.

It may be the light, but it also doesn't look like you have much facial hair, a huge bonus if you were to transition.

In addition, the way you said you walk, the leg crossing, the hips/waist, and the mannerisms...all bonuses if you want to transition.

All these advantages basically put you in a good position to transition to female if you wanted to, and you could do so in a short amount of time without a lot of heartache (depending on what kind of social/family support you have).

Anima, we've all been there before, so we know it's scary.  But these things, like anything that's worth while, takes time.  Eventually you will find your path.  Do you have an understanding therapist you can talk to about these things?  If not, I would recommend finding one.

Quote
I could say that it is something about hormones.

I must agree with that to a fair extent. Although I'm not taking any at the moment, I did it before for rather short period of times, and for me, it worked magically, everything seemed to click in place for once in life. My feelings, my thoughts, my health... and I'm not even the kind of person that spends too much time in front of the mirror. It's just the way you feel, perceive and interact that gets "corrected".
The problem with me is that  I'm not ready for a transition, mostly a matter of essential environment resources (a fancy way of calling my job) and relationships that might be affected in an irreversible way.
Anyway, don't drink, don't do drugs, find some hobbies (I do some music often) and go find your self.

In my opinion you have to see a specialist, check your hormone levels perhaps and then decide something, but I think honestly that the most important thing at the moment (apart from seeing a specialist, which will give you confidence) is not to "be" but to "do"... because what defines who you are is how you interact and react, with people, with hobbies, with work, with nature, with books, etc. It is the experiences the ones that define your place in nature and society. Be free to do whatever you feel, and maybe you do have a strong ->-bleeped-<- inside or you're just growing up... (how old are you?) See boy, becoming a man is often a difficult and long task and I understand completely your point, but you'll see - being a man has its privileges as well... an abstract mind that can dream, a firm hand to all of it, a manly level of understanding nature. It's not aaaall bad....
And I believe there's lots of personality below the gender bipolar layer of yourself and that the vast majority of people  will indeed taste good in both flavors, nature throws a coin up there and you'll live for the rest of your life in one main flavor. Most of us, no matter how manly or feminine feel, will live pretty well in any given flavor.
It is a matter of learning to express your naturally given chemistry, whether is male or female, and that's why I say "do things".
I'm not saying you're not trans definitely, but let me go further with this for a second  and say that there's also lots of truth to the theory that men don't like their bodies, and in most cases, it is because you are already hard-wired for the need of a woman, which means that each time you see yourself in the mirror it is all but interesting or exciting, you hate hair and beards... just because your eyes are pleased with the sight of the softness of a woman, but it's quite probably not yourself that you're after, it's outside, it's a woman outside. Isn't it ironic? but it's true. Men (most of the time) don't feel attracted to men in a sexual way,  it's nature's own hard-wiring and even many gay people admit their choice is a lifestyle one and many just go back to being heterosexual after dwelling long time in gay relations.
But.... listen, there ARE people who have what specialists call a female brain, (look http://jcem.endojournals.org/cgi/content/full/85/5/2034 ) and no matter how many male hormones your body drains on you, it won't change it. Then, either you just accept your feminine side and live in harmony with it or it becomes a conflict, sometimes so strong that is unbearable. If you think you're falling into this last category, go to see a doctor, don't be afraid, rather be responsible, and come back to tell us how you did.

Maybe it is not "wanting" to be a girl. As DominiQ pointed out you may have a female brain. As far as being a weirdo, I like weirdos. Guys whistling and kisses sort of validated you girl. We all need validation and you have been. As a girl!

the type of feelings you have described are the type that never go away. The doing and then undoing over and over again is called purging. It's a classic symptom. You feel female inside but your brain/social conditioning tells you something else. You desperately want to be normal but it eludes you. You resolve to "man up" and supress them and that resolve lasts about as long as the next time you have these feelings flare up inside. The best advice of any here is to see a councelor or therapist who can help you sort this out now. Don't wait until you are a frustrated, tired old man wishing you had done something about it at age 29. Trust me, those years are going to go by soon enough and pass regardless- it just depends on where you want to be when they have.

I like weirdos too, if not because of them, I'd feel really weird 
29 places you in a rather different perspective, as Fairy said, it is time to do something about it, I'd wish there was an iPhone app for deciding what to do with gender issues... hey... that's actually a good idea 
Anyway, in the meanwhile just go and see a doc sweetie.... if you're a girl, you need to live, don't suffocate

Quote from: DominiQ on July 20, 2009, 04:57:16 PM
I'd wish there was an iPhone app for deciding what to do with gender issues... hey... that's actually a good idea 

Great idea! I've just ordered one... iGender   

Anima, only you can answer for sure... but there's a good chance if you feel like a girl, you could be trans or androgyne.... or both.

Z

Everyone needs a holiday now and then.

I think you are making headway. I went thought the same thing. There is a lot of undoing of internal concepts and perceptions about gender. It aint easy, internal barriers can be tough. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the hero, to be tough and strong and fast and kill orcs. As a kid I used to construct weapons in my garage as I wanted to be a hero too. I built pit traps for hikers, climbed trees, shot animals, played with trucks, blew up things with fire crackers. I did these things not because I was a boy, I did them because it was fun! (I love connan the barbarian!).

I went throught something very similar to you. Just when you think you have the tail of it it slips out of your grasp. I used to keep feeling guilty about feeling the way I did. Keep gnawing at it (sometimes it is good to just park it and see what your brain figures out on it's own), there will be times when it is 2 steps forward 2 steps back. But don't dispair, it is  part of the process of comming to terms with yourself.

I really do think you are making headway girl.

Quote from: Anima on July 20, 2009, 08:38:03 PM
You don't seem very sure?
Transogyne!

I'm 16 years into this process since coming to awareness of myself as trans, and I still have no idea of what I might be... I wouldn't presume to tell you what you are 

Transogyne has a nice ring to it... or androtrans? gynotrans? 

Z

Quotewish I too could fight orcs

I'm sorry to say that's not a popular profession outside of Hollywood, not even through the recession   
Laughs apart, I do understand exactly how do you feel... Last time I went to see a movie  I wished I'd was a firefighter.
That's your hormones, they still have their say. But then, if you applied yourself a female hormonal cocktail, you might find that you enjoyed the same movie 10 times more and that you find it much more meaningful, but in  a different way, a way that your brain understands better. It happened to me...
Gender issues are tougher than orcs I guess... and I haven't sorted mine yet

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies

When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have boobies 

Quote from: Anima on July 21, 2009, 05:23:31 PM
Hmm, do hormones control mental things?

I think they do, they influence your behaviour. An example of this might be Testosterone can make you more aggressive. But I'm sure there are a lot of subtle effects too.

What they don't seem to influence is your identity. But the right hormones can support your feelings e.g. a mtf taking estrogen will probably find that it feels right, but a male taking estrogen will feel wrong. A man taking testosterone might feel more manly, a mtf taking more testosterone will likely feel worse, you often hear transgenders calling their birth sex hormones as poison... This is just based on my own ovservations and listening to conversations, anyone else back this up?

Hi... Anima
  Does it really matter how you see your self . & i wont say what i think you are . i.m a andro  . & some of us think both ways . how we live is up to each of us with out people telling us what they think . as they dont know.   only we know inside . i.m a mix of both . & now i live as a woman . thats who i am . does that stop me being both .  no far from it . if you like femm clothes go for it . if you like male clothes then go for that or a mix . hey who gives a toss . its your life . its you . just enjoy your self .....
     ...noeleena...

Quote from: Zythyra on July 20, 2009, 11:33:53 PM
I'm 16 years into this process since coming to awareness of myself as trans, and I still have no idea of what I might be... I wouldn't presume to tell you what you are 

Transogyne has a nice ring to it... or androtrans? gynotrans? 

Z

trdrosexyne? 

And welcome to the self doubt/self questioning club