I feel really dumb about my tranisition efforts as of late. during transition i had a health problem which has slowly put on weight which I cant get off. not easily anyways. where I live all the girls are size 0s and all the pretty girls just seem to want their guys. I try to go to lesbian things and dont fit in nor am I finding any attraction to any of them. I just keep seeing all the pretty tiny girls with their dork square booring boyfriends who walk around in "ownership" mode with them. I'm fully convinced of my gender as female, happy with my female appearance, but ... if its really a life without love, without a single hug, with barely even a friend, F transition its not worth it. I can pretend to be a boy and wear dorky clothes if it gets me laid, love, all the things I should be able to have with transition but cant because society is too retarded. or because i"m too ugly.

you sound like a typical girl unsatisfied with her appearance. pretty much all young girls feel that way - not thin enough, can't find the right guy, all the good ones are taken, etc.
I don't think this has anything to do with transition. you just need some confidence in yourself.

no theres a difference. Young girls go through puberty lack confidence, then get pursued over and over get boyfriend (or girlfriend) over and over

I transitioned into a dark black hole of no human relationships no friends impossible to date and being treated as the invisible freak monster in the room. It is unlikely i will ever date. Unlike the unconfident teen girl there wont ever be throngs of boys just around the corner. I'm thinking suicide at christmas. life just isnt worth living.

how do you know there won't be a bunch of boys? what stage of transition are you in, may I ask?

6th yr full time, post ffs, pre srs

could being pre-srs be holding you back confidence wise? i mean, you've been 6 years and post ffs, so i'm assuming you pass?

i pass as a overweight unwanted ugly chic. i'm a size 24. I dont think people start appearing as humans on other peoples radar unless you are a size 16 or less... and girls generally arent on the datable radar unless they are size 6 or less

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Post Merge: July 24, 2009, 11:18:03 PM

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i mean no other humans have ever talked to me

i can go out sit in the corner alone. I can go out and say hi and get mostly ignored. bleh.

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Post Merge: July 25, 2009, 12:21:18 AM

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well i think another issue is that i still have huge shoulders and all my massive muscles after 9 yrs. so far estrogen has done butkis. of course I dont feel comfortable with big tree trunk arms and legs

please check out these websites:

adiosbarbie

any-body

also read 'The Invisible Woman' by W. Charisse Goodman. it talks about what woman who aren't a size 6 go through.
http://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Woman-Confronting-Prejudice-America/dp/0936077107/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248499731&sr=1-4

i get a few hellos from brazilian or iraqi men   not that i feel right dating men


i guess my feeling is  if im invisible i should detransition

you have to be true to yourself. you didn't transition to be a beauty queen, did you? or to get guys? your transition was for you. you're not a guy, so why detransition?

why?

to get a hug

to be loved

to have someone to talk to

to be able to have sex... er wait... pre transition sex isnt very good scratch that

uhm... well at least I get love and a relationship if i detransition. and I can be honest and tell them .. well I'm really a woman but no other humans spoke to me for five years so... i gave up

aww hon. you just haven't found the right guy (or girl). they'll come along.

i dont think i will. lesbians seem anti-femme pushy tough unattractive inside and out. and i think being preop its hard to find one who wants sex with a middle gendered creature.

boys? i duno boys have never spoken to me all my memories of boys is them being major ->-bleeped-<-s trying to fight me in high school. i cant imagine being attracted to guys esp not the doofus square dork guys who seem to be here in massive numbers (the idiot works in marketing or sales making phone calls all day cause they have no brains can barely speak loves sports and military and gets a dork square head haircut and a baseball cap so he can bang hottie size 0 bimbos who think hes the ultimate male....

yah. just dont see it happening. the skinny hotties want their brain dead angry dorks. the non femme lesbians have never said hi and asked who i was. I guess i'm looking for a grown up, a career, educated, nice house/car... the last few girls I talked to were cashiers working part time. its really hard to find educated women i guess.

Ah, well... you know as they say, when you stop looking that's when it happens.

Quote from: hellisnicerthanthis on July 25, 2009, 12:40:23 AM
why?

to get a hug

to be loved

to have someone to talk to

to be able to have sex... er wait... pre transition sex isnt very good scratch that

uhm... well at least I get love and a relationship if i detransition. and I can be honest and tell them .. well I'm really a woman but no other humans spoke to me for five years so... i gave up

And why do you think de-transitioning will help with this?  Why do you think these problems have anything to do with your gender identity?  You're probably latching on to the wrong problem entirely.  If you think that'll solve your problems, I think you're 100% wrong.  Even if it did get you some human companionship then you'd have traded the loneliness problem for the original gender identity problem again...and the resultant misery would still drive off all but the most patient & loving of partners.

Confidence and a nice personality can go a long way, even if you are size 24.  On the other hand, skulking around like a thundercloud full of woe and self-loathing isn't that attractive in either a male or female.

Forgive me if this was a bit blunt - we all need a good wallow in self-pity now and then, as long as it doesn't become habitual.

Quote from: hellisnicerthanthis on July 25, 2009, 12:49:51 AM
The last few girls I talked to were cashiers working part-time. It's really hard to find educated women, I guess.

Wrong! There are plenty of girls who are part-time cashiers and educated.

I know of at least one.

I think you have to mellow out your viewpoint of the entire world.
I won't say that you're wrong to speak disparagingly of everyone, but that's not an effective way to live your life.

Accept that your attitude is more important than your looks to many people.
Be happy as you are and maybe love will find you.
You have to love yourself first.

QuoteThe last few girls I talked to were cashiers working part-time. It's really hard to find educated women, I guess.

The odds are better if you look at the University rather than the supermarket.

Quote from: hellisnicerthanthis on July 24, 2009, 11:38:27 PM
no theres a difference. Young girls go through puberty lack confidence, then get pursued over and over get boyfriend (or girlfriend) over and over

Bullpoopie! This is completely false. *Some* girls do go through puberty and emerge with confidence, but frankly I think most don't these days. Why else would there be the over emphasis on looks/boytoy (or girltoy)/possessions/etc.? They're trying to make *themselves* feel good by putting others down. It's a very sad, unfortunately very common human trait. Guys aren't immune to this either.

Speaking as someone who managed to survive with little to no self esteem for 30+ years, it's tough to break that cycle. Like a lot of other addition scenarios, you do need to *want* to be better. I can't tell you how many tissues I've gone through in the last couple of weeks working on my own demons. My therapist gave me a book on self esteem. I still can't read more than a few pages without crying. I'm getting better though...slowly.

I would actually recommend you go back to your therapist (or find a new one if you've moved since then.) To me, it sounds like you need to work on your self esteem. As for the weight, well, first off my spouse married me when *I* was a size 24/26. Secondly, I totally recommend Weight Watchers for getting rid of it. There are *lots* of very overweight women on the WW boards and they are losing by learning how to eat healthy. Some are just inspiring!  (OK, that's my WW plug. If you want to know more, PM me.)

I think you can do it. How about you?

WR

maybe it isnt so much self esteem as "trans awkwardness" I just well for one feel overwhelmed in the land of bunny perfect tiny straight girls who only want boys (repeat for emphasis ONLY WANT BOYS)

Its just very hard to feel like transition is right when i walk around and see... pretty girl... with a boy... pretty girl... with a boy pretty girl... with a boy... ok now lets go out to a lesbian night... ok no pretty girls... ok now lets go to a regular bar.. .pretty girl.. with a boy pretty girl ... with a boy...

that side of things frustrates me a lot.

as for my own issues, I';m working on them hard. but i'm maybe not so much overweight as just a big male linebacker covered with muscle. hrt arent you supposed to do something? guess not. that leaves radical fasting as a option i guess.

I also dont understand the "ok i popped my first estrogen pill, lets bonk boys I'm a girl now" I'd feel horribly uncomfortable with a guy, not to mention what guy wants a bigger than them more muscled than them woman? ick

then I think, ok after srs my body will finally be able to drop testosterone low enough to change and all will be ok. but thats one hell of a leap of faith dont you think?

I think my esteem issues all relate to ... transition not really working for me estrogen not doing much for me, and tired of being the clunky big muscle girl

HRT is not going to change your bone mass and frame size, so you might have to just go through life singing the k d lang song:
she was a big boned gal
from southern alberta
you just couldn't call her small
and you can bet every saturday night
she'd be heading for the legion hall

put her blue dress on
and she'd curl her hair
oh she's been waiting all week
and with a bounce in her step
and a wiggle in her walk
she'd be swinging down the street

you could tell she was ready
by the look in her eye
as she slipped in through the crowd
she walked with grace
as she entered the place
ya, the big boned gal was proud

hey hey the big boned gal
ain't no doubt hse's a natural
shakin' and a'snakin'
and a'breakin' up across the floor
hey hey the big boned gal
ain't no doubt she's a natural
reelin' and a'rockin'
and she's yelling out for more
now people would come
from miles around
and gather there to dance
but when the big boned gal came shufflin' in
she'd hold them in a trance

And there are lots of well educated girls.  And in these times, like a lot of well educated guys - they are working whatever job they can get.  And I know a lot of other people, highly educated (and perhaps this is the proof of how smart they are) who walked away from high paying high powered jobs to do something they liked so they could be happy.

doofus square dork guys who seem to be here in massive numbers (the idiot works in marketing or sales making phone calls all day cause they have no brains can barely speak loves sports and military and gets a dork square head haircut and a baseball cap
The guys I work with are hardly idiots, they have brains and they are not dorky - they tend to be rather hunky, ripped off sleeves, sweat and grease and sometimes a bit of blood, and though we speak some sports we tend mostly to speak science, art and quote Shakespeare as much as Cheech and Chong and barbers are not our friends.  We are the exact opposite of square, perhaps too much as several of us have criminal records for being unsquare.  The baseball hats I'll have to cop to.