Well lately, I been feeling more as if I should be a guy, but that's because I don't want to make a huge life mistake. It would not necessarily be a mistake personally, but a mistake in society. I fear that I will never find love, and really that's more important than if I become a woman.

I go for a couple months thinking its fine to be a guy then a couple weeks thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I know if I do not transition between 18-22 I will never do it because I will never pass.

I know I will lose all my family if I do it for sure, and that's kind of important to me. I can understand them not accepting me anymore too. I am unsure about my career right now because if I follow my dream career then transitioning would really damage it (it is in the public eye type career).  I am still unsure about my career. If I go to college then combine with transitioning my life would be a complete mess.

If I could be reborn as a girl, rather than face all this then I would do that. I am just not sure if the pros are bigger than the cons... I am not sure if I will be an unhappy old man either.

I am not sure if I want to be a woman because I want to be for superficial reasons mainly or if in my heart I am really a woman either. I get jealous of beautiful woman, but I don't know. 

But I know I can pass if I do- do it...


^{edit - personal info}

It's a hard road Hun.

Take time to think things through. If you can talk to a therapist. Explain everything.

Remember in the end it's your call. Your Life, Your body.

You cannot predict the future. As Cher sang, "If I could turn back time" I would have transitioned long long long ago.

Cindy

maybe you should be a guy?

yeah, maybe!  forget about transitioning, if it's not making you crazy and desperate. there are certainly other (easier) ways to be involved with the queer community besides being trans.

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 02:40:06 AM
Well lately, I been feeling more as if I should be a guy, but that's because I don't want to make a huge life mistake. It would not necessarily be a mistake personally, but a mistake in society. I fear that I will never find love, and really that's more important than if I become a woman.

Your post is very sensable and you have quite rightly gone through the pros and cons of transition. It's not an easy thing to do or get right. I too have had doubts over the years as my expectations are higher than the actual reality of transitioning. Don't let anyone push you in either direction. It is your decision and yours only.

Quote from: ell on July 19, 2009, 03:50:46 AM
maybe you should be a guy?

yeah, maybe!  forget about transitioning, if it's not making you crazy and desperate. there are certainly other (easier) ways to be involved with the queer community besides being trans.

Yeah you're right. I am not sure if I just had an awkward phase, since a while ago I could swear that it was all I wanted. Now it's just a "greener on the other side" type deal, but I am not desperate and crazy for it. I think I could be content with life if I stayed as a guy (as of now).

If I am meant to be a woman than it should be much stronger I would suspect. If it's the right decision then it would stay with me like it should had. Maybe I am androgynous.

I'll just wait it out for now.

---
For example now I want a female-like face, and a thin body (not necessarily guy or girl). It's strange. And before I wanted the body in my avatar.

Hi Paulina,
Long story short, I 've known I was female since I was very young.  I'm now 55 and still living as a male, though that is finally going to change.
I may or may not pass.  I'll settle for being an ugly woman just to be myself.  I worry about employment, especially at my age.  I'm still trying to figure that part out.  I managed this long.  Could I go longer?  I think I can.  I also think that I can't die soon enough.  It has been an existence at best.  In my case, though, I have no doubt as to my gender.
If you have doubts, then let a therapist help you work through it so that you can determine who you are.  Thinking you might be female is not the same as knowing, which I'm sure you're aware of.  You still have time to find yourself.  Good luck.  Hugs.

Sometimes gender dysphoria can go into remission for a while and pop back up at any time.  I can go through months and think everything is fine.  I think the mind has a tendency to talk itself out of transition.  It is probably because you fear that you have the "typical" male fantasies maybe.

I used to think that my issues were just crossdressing or wanting to be a beautiful woman because I always liked the professional school teacher look, but I realized that it wasn't necessarily the look is what I was after but what that look represented in my mind, a well educated woman that knows how to look good using her own natural talents.  The look represented the woman I wanted to be rather than the look itself.  Could it be that the look represents the woman you wish to become if you transition? 

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 02:40:06 AM
I fear that I will never find love, and really that's more important than if I become a woman.

Some of us feel the exact opposite and will risk never finding a partner to be who we need to be.

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 02:40:06 AM
I know if I do not transition between 18-22 I will never do it because I will never pass.

You know this? That seems a bit of an extravagant claim, especially to those of us who transitioned decades later.

Nobody is saying that transition is right for you.
Only you can decide that, but make it based on realistic thoughts, not fears.

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 04:28:06 AM
Yeah you're right. I am not sure if I just had an awkward phase, since a while ago I could swear that it was all I wanted. Now it's just a "greener on the other side" type deal, but I am not desperate and crazy for it. I think I could be content with life if I stayed as a guy (as of now).

If I am meant to be a woman than it should be much stronger I would suspect. If it's the right decision then it would stay with me like it should had. Maybe I am androgynous.

I'll just wait it out for now.

please remember that my remarks are just me giving you honest talk, and while i hope to be of help when i can, still, i am no therapist.

therapists are paid to take the risk of someone's wellness onto there shoulders. with a risk like that, it is right and proper that they *do* get paid.

and so please don't place your entire fate on my reply!



-ell ell

I sent you a PM 

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 02:40:06 AM
If I could be reborn as a girl, rather than face all this then I would do that. I am just not sure if the pros are bigger than the cons... I am not sure if I will be an unhappy old man either.

Hmmm. That seems important.

I didn't want to make a new thread, but after thinking long. Well I realize that the reason why I don't want to transition that badly is because I fear that my life would be worse off as it is right now... I have a longing but it's in the back of my head, unless I think about it, then it comes forward.

I want to change, but I don't want to lose what I have now, and what I can have.

In the end, only you can make that decision.  There are so many considerations regarding transition.  We all transition in our own time, based on finances, job, and significant others, just to name a few. Others never do transition as they "find themselves" and decide what is most important in their lives.  It isn't easy and there are more than enough obstacles to overcome in the journey.  My hope is that whatever you decide, you find comfort in who you are.  Hugs.

aww, im sorry to hear about all this Paulina! As others have said this truely is something only you know, but just remember to think about this long and hard, if you can find a way to enjoy how you are without having to endure the cons of transition then more power to you! Its only natural to have a phase of undecision, or the "grass is greener" scenario. I hope you can find your happy point soon enough! Its a difficult decision to make, but we are all here to listen and help! *hug*
-Emily

Quote from: Paulina on July 23, 2009, 10:24:34 PM
I didn't want to make a new thread, but after thinking long. Well I realize that the reason why I don't want to transition that badly is because I fear that my life would be worse off as it is right now... I have a longing but it's in the back of my head, unless I think about it, then it comes forward.

I want to change, but I don't want to lose what I have now, and what I can have.

I think a lot of us felt like that when we were younger. It does get worse as you get older though.

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 02:40:06 AM
Well lately, I been feeling more as if I should be a guy,

^{edit - personal info}

how much of that feeling is because of the reaction of society family friends, fear of not finding a job later? ect....

---

Post Merge: July 24, 2009, 02:33:31 PM

---

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 04:28:06 AM

---
For example now I want a female-like face, and a thin body (not necessarily guy or girl). It's strange. And before I wanted the body in my avatar.

i know this feeling, i mainly thought that if i did take small steps and not the full steps i would be happy.  but with each small step i think what is the next step?

I thought if i have 2-3 laser treatment to have less facial hair i'll be happy. but then i look at myself in the mirror and i am disgusted from he fact i have hair even 2-3 treatment managed to reduce it. Today i had7-8 laser session and i am 98% hair free (will have to wait an extra 1-2weeks to see the results of my last treatment).

The reason i wanted to stop at 3 treatment then at 4 then at 5 then at 6..... was not because this was what i wanted but because i was afraid of others and this what others wanted. 

i tell myself if i had something a little more than what i have today i'll be happy but then i think No this is not 100% female.............

---

Post Merge: July 24, 2009, 03:48:03 PM

---

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 02:40:06 AM
I fear that I will never find love,

when i don't love myself i don't care about other people love.  how can someone love me if i don't love myself.

even if someone love me, it is not me they love but the person i pretend to be.

Quote from: Paulina on July 19, 2009, 02:40:06 AM
I know if I do not transition between 18-22 I will never do it because I will never pass.

Can you prove that? Seriously that is not very nice. Oh wait, you are saying that only if you transitioned after the age of 22, you will never pass right?

I don't believe that so don't even bother answering. I've seen a lot of girls after the age of 30 that look fine.

I've seen some after 40 that look fine too. There is no guarantee you will pass even at your young age. What if HRT doesn't work on you? What if something goes awry?

Quote from: Lori on July 24, 2009, 04:05:07 PM

Can you prove that? Seriously that is not very nice. Oh wait, you are saying that only if you transitioned after the age of 22, you will never pass right?

I don't believe that so don't even bother answering. I've seen a lot of girls after the age of 30 that look fine.

I've seen some after 40 that look fine too. There is no guarantee you will pass even at your young age. What if HRT doesn't work on you? What if something goes awry?

It wasn't trying to insult, I am just talking for myself. There's a ton that past well, but its a lot harder to pass I would assume then starting younger.

Quote from: Paulina on July 25, 2009, 03:53:05 AM
It wasn't trying to insult, I am just talking for myself. There's a ton that past well, but its a lot harder to pass I would assume then starting younger.

Did  you mean "I" instead of "It"? Guess what, for somebody that wasn't trying to insult, you sure as hell did a good job. Ever heard of what assume means? You make an ass out of u and me.

And what do you mean there are a ton that past well? Are you saying like they are aging? Past? Or passed? or Pass?

Quote from: Lori on July 25, 2009, 08:27:33 AM

Did  you mean "I" instead of "It"? Guess what, for somebody that wasn't trying to insult, you sure as hell did a good job. Ever heard of what assume means? You make an ass out of u and me.

And what do you mean there are a ton that past well? Are you saying like they are aging? Past? Or passed? or Pass?

Take it as you interpret as.