Coming out was always a difficult thing for me because I felt the need to make those I love realize what my life has been like. I needed an analogy they could understand. Then one day it came to me and I wrote the following analogy. I then sent it to my family. The response was far better than I expected as most all told me if that's what I need to do to be happy then they were okay with it. Here is is:


I've been away at war now for over 50 years.  It's been a long and difficult battle and I'm weary from the fight.  But I have just submitted my resignation and I'm going home soon. 

I thought this day would never come.

I didn't volunteer to fight in this war.  I was drafted at birth.  Somebody made a mistake and put me in the wrong classification.  Since I went to war so early, I never knew what it was like to live in peace.  I thought this was how everyone lived, in constant battle.  But I knew war wasn't a good thing and I wanted out a long time ago.  I just didn't know how to get out.  I could have gone AWOL but I knew I'd be caught and thrown back in.  I tried to ignore all the fighting but all that led to was an increased aggression by the enemy.  When I engaged in battle I found the odds were stacked against me.  I knew I could never win this war but I wouldn't admit it to myself.  This wasn't David against Goliath; this was David against an army of Goliaths.

I kept fighting because I felt that's what my family and friends wanted me to do.  I did it for them.  If I weren't thinking only of them I'd have resigned a long time ago.  But if I did, I knew the consequences.  I'd be rejected, criticized, ignored and even hated.  After all, it was my duty to fight, right?  Why?  I never understood their logic.

Never having known peace, I longed to experience what it was like.  I read about others who experienced it, most live in it all the time.  I wondered why I had to keep fighting while they were happily living their lives.  It didn't seem right.  Why couldn't I be happy too?  Why did they need me to keep fighting? 

A friend of mine recently resigned.  She had been at war for some 35 years.  She talked of peace and happiness.  I wanted that too, but how?  Then I realized I had to resign.  There was no defeating the enemy.  War was taking the life out of me and soon there would be nothing left.  If I didn't lay down my arms I'd die.  When I imagined no longer having to fight in this war, I felt a peace come over me that I have never known.

I'm not sure if I'll get an honorable discharge or not.  It all depends how I state my case and who the presiding judges will be.  Some judges have been known to be very closed-minded and will see my resignation as cowardly.  Others will understand I fought long and hard and I've earned my release.  Only time will tell what the outcome will be.

What lay ahead is not completely certain.  The people at home probably won't give me a warm welcome when I return.  Most think I should fight until I win but they have no idea what it's like out there in the heat of battle.  I imagine being seen as second-class citizen but if that's what happens I'm okay with it.  Having never had to fight in this war, they could never understand just how tough it is.  If they knew, if they fought this war for only a short while, I'd get a hero's welcome when I returned. 

My home will need a lot of work.  I'll fix it up the way I want, not like everyone tells me they want.  It needs a bit of a facelift; it's old and worn.  And there's all that growth around it that will have to be removed.  I may have to plant some foliage, but not much.  It depends how the fertilizer works.  I know the plumbing will need some work but I'll get to that later.  Hopefully, when all the work is done, I'll be able to stand back and be happy to call it home, the home for which I've always longed.  My home will be filled with peace and happiness, just like all those who never knew the horrors of war. 

Yes, I have submitted my resignation and it's almost time to go home.  And I'm at peace with that.

Wow........ nice........ very well writen and said...... and again wow...........

I couldnt imagin going thorugh this for as long as you did... I broke and ran at the age of 24 though Im still not out out Im a "conciencious<sp?> objector" if I were to put it into military terms LoL.

Best wishes and by the way....... Welcome back

Well stated and a very good analogy !
Remember as an ex Soldger you are a vetern to fighting! in the future you may well find that you must pick up arms to protect your new home.
Don't forgit how to fight, it kept you alive thus far, it may again save your life !
...
Bob.......

Julie,

Welcome home, soldier!    

Chaunte

I love it, Julie!

Yet, even with an analogy as good as yours I still think it's impossible to have a non-dysphoric person really know what it's all about.  Yours comes closer to any I've seen so far and it's still not 100%.  I may use pieces of it though, it does bring it much closer to something most people can imagine.

thnx agn! 
helen

Hi Julie,
May I use your analogy?
It really struck home with me. I'm 55yrs old and durning this time period had devolped two personalities. A male and a female. The male was my protector, my guide and jailer all in one. For years we have been battling each other but now I am free and we have become one (female).
I really glad to meet you.

Jillieann

Quote from: Jillieann on July 29, 2006, 12:10:06 PM
Hi Julie,
May I use your analogy?
It really struck home with me. I'm 55yrs old and durning this time period had devolped two personalities. A male and a female. The male was my protector, my guide and jailer all in one. For years we have been battling each other but now I am free and we have become one (female).
I really glad to meet you.

Jillieann

By all means, yes, use it. That's why I shared it.

I know the jailer part quite well. Jim had me convinced I had to stay locked up but what he didn't know is I am way too feisty to give up. He finally caved and now I'm keeping him locked up, except for work.

And I'm really glad to meet you too, from one 55 year old to another.

Thank Julie,
Me? Feisty yes, but stubborn too.
I put him in jail for awhile. I hated him for what he did to me. I want him to die. Than I realized that I had made him and that he was really a small part of me. So we made peace and now its better his abilities have made me complete. I assimilated him like the Borg on Star Trek. We are now working together to find out who I am and what I really want out of this life.

Jillieann 

very nice anology.  I always wonder what it would be like in the military.

Hi Julie:

I'm so glad you've finally come home, for I've been waiting for you all these years...


tinkerbell

I just read this and I'm glad I did.  That was a very well written piece of work.  Perhaps I may use it in the future if I see a need.  Being that not everyone has been completely understanding in my life, I probably will.  I especially liked you analogy with the fertilizer.  That made me smile.  Well, I guess I'm home now and I'm still working on repairs.   Thanks again very much for sharing that.

Melissa