I was just wondering. It happened to me when I was talking to my best friend. I mentioned how I felt like I should be a boy. I suddenly kept pouring out my feelings and it was very hard and I was ashamed, but I finally admitted to myself that I am transgendered. How about any of you?

I knew something was wrong when I was four.  I first admitted to myself that I was TS many years later after coming out as TG to my doctor, therapist, minister, friends, congregation, and just about anyone else who would listen (thus coming out to myself ).

- Kate

I just admitted it to myself in the last year and I am 40. But the truth is that I knew for a fact at the onset of puberty. I worked very hard to convince myself that I liked girls and was a normal heterosexual male. Of course, in that time I never allowed anyone to take a picture of me and I very seldom would look at myself in a mirror. I don't really have a valid excuse for why I denied my true nature for so long but I have been very unhappy for a long time. Heck, I remember the first time I noticed my adams apple. Absolutely just wanted to die. Fortunately, I didn't off myself but it was definitely touch and go.

I knew all along but didn't know what it was called.  I admitted it to myself as soon as I knew what being trans was, which was about a year and a half ago, I was 17.  I don't see being trans as a bad thing or something that I should be ashamed of so it wasn't hard admitting it to myself.  It was actually a lot easier to have the label, because for so long I had no idea why I was the way I was.

(ugh, this is so out-of-order and makes NO sense, but here goes)

Specifically trans? Just a couple weeks ago. I've had really bad body dysphoria for years and years now, and only recently came to terms with the fact that it's not been my (->-bleeped-<-ty) life causing it, but my actual body... after a very long process of dealing with the effects of said (->-bleeped-<-ty) life and resolving a lot of residual crap from that. Even though the problems are at peace, I still couldn't handle my body; it was a really bad source of anxiety that I'd somehow 'missed something'... that I hadn't exorcised that one demon, so to speak, that lingered and made me hate my body so much.

All the way back as far as I can remember, I wanted to be 'genderless'; to rip out my female-reproductive-organs (and sew it shut afterwards); but it's only over the past year and a half or so, with a wonderful partner, that I've come to terms with the idea of 'physical intimacy' and realized that I was 'missing something', so to speak.

A little embarrassed, that I had been very obviously lesbian (from the age of 7 or 8, I remember admiring female bodies) and never had learned what 'trans' was; despite causing massive amounts of trouble at school in a conservative place trying to start a GSA and getting a bunch of people together to do 'Day of Silence' and other sorts of events.

I always just honestly figured I was different or broken. It's... indescribably nice to have a more positive way to look at things.

I knew from a very young age, but I wouldn't actually admit it to myself completely until I was almost 19. Throughout the years I just kept ignoring it, or trying to find some excuse why I wasn't really trans, even though I knew they were really all BS. When I went off to college it really started to set in that this was real, and it wasn't going anywhere until I got off my butt and did something about it. It was probably some combination of being away from home, in a more LGBT friendly environment, and the fact that I had already almost come out 2 times before...

I came out to myself and started transitioning as much as possible about 3 years ago. I was 27. I like how you used the phrase 'admit to yourself'. That's exactly what I called it.

For me, I always knew something was different about me because I was not like the other boys.  My friends were always girls, and they could talk me to like another girl.  This was very confusing when puberty hit.  I would be confided in about boobs developing, periods and boys.  I would listen and which I was a part of their world for real. 
I thought I was one of those '->-bleeped-<-s', a word that was thrown around in the early 60's, and it must have shown because I was the target for any guy looking to prove he was macho.  But the girls would come to my aid, as they did for any other girl who was bullied and in their circle.

I saw Christine Jorgenson interviewed on the Phil Donahue Show.  And she mentioned the word "transsexual" and what she went thru.  And I had to know more.  I read her story, Jan Morris', and Rene Richards.  And everything they was talking about was as if they had lived my life.  And I looked into what SRS was and that sealed it.  I knew I was to become the woman that I was not born as.

I am on the journey and will have SRS, one day.  My Love always tells me that the Goddess gives us what we need, not what we want.  The Goddess has finally put me on the path.  And one day She will give me the ability to fund SRS.  If my Love goes first, then so be it.  I will follow one day.

And she is now my life and love.  I Love You, Babe, very much.
Janet

I always felt that I should have been a boy.  The earliest memory I have on the subject was when I was 2 or 3.  I guess I was 17 or 18 when I started seriously thinking about "having a sex change".  Unfortunately, I didn't have the resources to get information about it, and I eventually told myself that A) I would never have the money for such a thing. (I didn't know how cheap and effective hormones are) and B) if it wasn't the "real thing" it wasn't good enough.  So I shoved the idea into the back of my head and went about trying to find a female identity that I could live with.  That resulted in me living 98% of the time in a fantasy world and eating to dampen the pain of never being able to be "real".  15 years and 100 pounds later I finally realized that the pain of staying as I was was greater than my fear of being trans (read: a freak).  And frankly, I've never been happier.  I wish I'd had the balls to do this years ago.

Long before I ever knew or heard the word.

When I was...around twelve, I think...I decided that I was "secretly" a gay man. Then I kinda glanced down at myself, said "goddammit" and figured that there was nothing that could be done about it.

Then this year came around, and I somehow learned that there was something that could be done about it, that I didn't have to be stuck in a female body that I hated. I mulled it over for a while, decided that transitioning was what I really wanted to do, and as of May began actively trying to present as male. (much to the dismay of my parents...although my friends were all completely unsuprised)

Known I was not seen by others as I saw myself since about 3. Didn't know what trans was until 20, admitted that I was trans about 25, waited til kids were out of school and on their own before actually going forward. Some ways I wish I had started sooner but, I was a single parent and social services are weird. I was NOT about to risk losing my kids over my own probs.

My story's not as exciting as all of yours.

I never really seemed to have a problem with my gender identity until recently. In fact I was not very self-aware and didn't notice gender differences very much. When puberty hit though, I began to question them. At some point I just started to lose my femininity. I've never really gotten along with girls (although I am something of a loner.) And now that I'm older, it all seems so shallow. I'd be much more comfortable as a guy in short. And as time went on, I've become more and more uncomfortable with my body (perhaps puberty is the cause, that foul beast of a process.)

So I found out what a transsexual was, was critical, got more information, rejected it, finally admitted to myself. Now I'm counting the days until I can move out, start therapy and start injecting T. Just biding my time.

SilverFang

I didn't figure out I was technically trans till last week ( yeah not long ago). I had been boyish my entire life and was jealous of the male population since early childhood. I felt different or misplaced among the girls. I didn't play with them or even think like them. My friends that I gravitated towards were guys who had the same interests as me such as comics, action figures, video games, and so forth.
As years went by, whenever a show on transsexuals or gender change came on ( I am a geek. I always loved discovery channel and National geographic ) I found myself envious and angry. Of course I grew up in a christian household so I never spoke up on these feelings. I would often lay in bed at night and think how great it would be to wake up as the other sex. What I should be. I have played out most of my fantasies through role playing as men ( in person and in text ).
It wasn't till recent years with my girlfriend that I started discovering through happy accidents ( tests in psychology class that measure brain gender for instance ) that there was a reason for the way I was. My mind wasn't a girl's at all. No wonder my girlfriend always joked saying I was really a man... maybe she wasn't joking lol. She was the one that seriously pointed out that I may have been born with a male brain.
I looked into it and found out all the information on what I was.
I am very open with my girlfriend and it wasn't long till I announced my desire for a gender change.
I hate lying and putting up a facade so I am going to do what makes me happy for once instead of worrying on pleasing others.

I've always felt like I should have been a boy and "joked" about it many many times over the years, if I had a penny for every time a friend or family member said "man you are such a bloke" I'd be rich. I just didn't have any idea that it was possible. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stumbled upon some hormone info and a little lightbulb went off in my head

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Post Merge: July 28, 2009, 03:20:03 AM

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Quote from: CodyJess on July 27, 2009, 10:19:21 PM
I always just honestly figured I was different or broken. It's... indescribably nice to have a more positive way to look at things.

That's exactly how I felt

Quote from: Jeatyn on July 28, 2009, 03:16:39 AM
Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stumbled upon some hormone info and a little lightbulb went off in my head

Isn't that light bulb useful that way? ... what a life saver. The solution is obvious now.

I never ever felt like a woman and always had the peculiar sense of feeling like a man in drag which of course makes sense now.  Although I saw myself as male inside my head if that makes sense and lived vicariously through a male personna on the internet I didn't come out until 3 years ago when on holiday in America I read a magazine article on FTM transexuals.  It was like a light had been switched on in my life (a cliche I know but a true one), suddenly everything made sense, all the awkward bits that just didn't seem to fit and seemed wrong about me suddenly fit perfectly. 
I came out to myself and to my partner shortly afterwards and have been living as a man ever since.  In myself I have never been happier or felt more free.

Only a few months ago actually, before that I called myself genderqueer it didn't really fit but I never even thought that I could be trans for some reason. When I was younger I always felt like a boy but I never questioned my gender, I didn't start doing that till sometime this year, I think thats because I have an aunt who is a very butch lesbian and growing up I always explained my not feeling like a girl by thinking that I was like her.

Quote from: CodyJess on July 27, 2009, 10:19:21 PM
I always just honestly figured I was different or broken. It's... indescribably nice to have a more positive way to look at things.

Amen.

(From the other side of the aisle)
- Kate

I had my first realization that I was NOT actually a boy at age 4 when I saw a real boy and realized I didn't have the required equipment.  Logic told me I must be a girl, I had girl parts, but that didn't stop me from using men's restrooms and the boys room in school if I knew I wouldn't get caught.  I was very much a tomboy.  Puberty was hard, I ended up trying to suppress my developing body by becoming anorexic. Thought I might be gay as a teen, as I imagined myself having sex with girls, though I was always a boy in those thoughts and dreams, and discarded that thought.

Finally gave up and just tried to make the best of things, not knowing I was trans, figuring I was just weird.    Started poking around 1.5 yrs ago and light bulbs went off when I started chatting online with an FTM from CA.  And then I transitioned and haven't looked back.


Jay