Well I guess it happened finally, or so I thought, that my family would just up and cut ties with me. About a month ago my father called me up and told me he was going to pass through town and wanted to have a lunch with me. He did this often, and usually I hop on free food being a college student. But my family has a very bad habit of outing me in public places.

So I took some friend's and my therapist's advice and told him that I would like to do that, but only if he promised to use the right name and pronoun to not out me. He flipped. He started raving about how he didn't seem to be doing anything right with anyone and now I was giving him grief. Then he hung up on me. He usually called once a week but had been silent for the past month, and after his fit I was happy for the silence.

Fast-forward to last Saturday, where out of the blue he just texts me. "What's happening?" was the message in its entirety. At the time I ignored it because I was having fun with some people at a bar. But afterwords i've been debating if I should respond a reopen ties, or take the opportunity to just walk away from a family that has had little to no respect for me or anything about me. its been three years and they hadn't shown any signs of turning around their behavior, can't imagine them doing so now. Any advice?

I'm a little old fashioned..

Blood's blood. I would suggest replying and giving him the chance of being your father, but only on your terms, which you stipulated to him the last time you spoke.

Terra,
  I tend to agree with Miniar.
  I am cisgendered and I often wonder how I would react if one of my kids told me they were transgendered. Being an old coot that was raised in a very different time from today I could see how my initial reaction might not be right. But, they are my kids and it's their life. They have to live it and I think I would change my mind if I reacted negatively.
  If your dad ended up being like me he would love you regardless.
  But, that's just my opinion.
  Alicia

this is a tough on, my parents are just like this too, I don't *really* have a problem with them doing it in private situations but when we're out or when they are introducing me to people or talking about me its hard, and I know that they are doing it on purpose, sucks.. and then they get all angry whenever I bring it up like its totally outrageous for me to even notice anything... I just want to be called correctly, I understand its hard for them, but it would be nice just to even once hear them do it.

parents are stubborn though, you could always just picnic in some secluded woodland area

If this is the first time he's "flipped" concerning this, I'd say give him a cautious shot.

If this is yet another incident in a long history of flipping, then I'd suggest objectively gauging your "emotional availability" and determining from there whether or not you really have room for his potential raving right now.

I've cut ties with more people than I'd like to admit throughout my life (though none yet over transitioning. . .knock on wood), and each time, while it would hurt at first, the result always benefited my well-being. And to this day, even if I may miss some of those people, I don't regret cutting ties with any of them; it was simply necessary.

Mark Rosewater, a designer for Magic: The Gathering (yeah, that card game  ) once said "No one's well-being is worth sacrificing your own." If you feel giving your father this opportunity will benefit your well-being, even the tiniest bit, then go for it. If you do and it turns out bad, then the experience will at least still benefit your future well-being.

Thanks everyone. I really would hate to give up on family, but Miss Ashley got it right with the multiple occurrence.

Sometimes I wonder if we do the same thing as battered women, keep putting up with the BS to be with the ones we care about. Even if they constantly hurt us.

I guess i'll call him later today, and tell him that this is a final chance opportunity. Because what he is doing isn't just mean and insensitive, it could potentially be life threatening.

Maybe it's not just them, maybe you are convinced they are against you and doing things on purpose but they are just not understanding things properly and that's why your friendship with your family is failing?

Quote from: Terra on July 30, 2009, 06:37:43 AM
Thanks everyone. I really would hate to give up on family, but Miss Ashley got it right with the multiple occurrence.

Family is the worst. There is so much baggage and you are forever tied to these people since they are your parents. I know, i've been where you are with my own parents, although it had nothing to do with transitioning. This is their problem, not yours, so you need to release any guilty feelings about what has happened and move on with your life. You can't change what other people think or how they act no matter how much you may want that to happen.

Since this scenario has happened many times in the past i'd say that they aren't ever going to change. This means that any change that is to happen is on you.

You would probably feel bad if something happened to your dad and you guys weren't on speaking terms, so maybe cutting him off totally is not the right thing to do. This leaves adjusting the relationship down to a level that you are comfortable with.

For me that means periodic phone calls and birthday cards, an occasional letter, and perhaps a visit once a year. No getting together on holidays. No getting together any other time either. It works for both me and my parents.

Time and again i've battered myself trying to have more of a relationship with my parents, and time and time again i've come away with very hurt feelings. I've learned LOL....

So this new arrangement is it, and so far it is working fine. Maybe something like this would work for you too.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck!

Quote from: Terra on July 30, 2009, 06:37:43 AMSometimes I wonder if we do the same thing as battered women, keep putting up with the BS to be with the ones we care about. Even if they constantly hurt us.

It's this right here that probably helped me learn how to identify and end the "toxic" relationships which turn up in my life from time to time: Watching my mother put up with my father up until I was 13, despite adultery and physical and psychological abuse.

In her case, she finally felt her own life was in danger, if not by his hand then by hers, and gathered up the strength to remove his vileness from our home.

It was a long time ago but I had major problems with my mother - my dad was okay, he saw it coming LONG before the storm hit but my mother was in denial and refused to acknowledge anything. She kept using inappropriate terms until I put my foot down and said there would be no contact except on my terms - that was granted but she made it clear in private how much she disapproved.

That continued for a number of years, until after I was married. I don't know for sure but I think my husband "laid down the law" to my mother because the couple of visits we made after were quite civil, almost pleasant.

Both my parents are gone now but I know how much they missed because of my mother's attitude.