Well, I have finally checked off step 1 - admitted to myself that I am not what I was led to believe all these years. I am transgendered MtF. That was a long hard road, but hugely refreshing to figure it out.

Step 2 - find and meet with a therapist who understands the issues I am facing. Wonderful transman psychologist, compassionate, experienced, understanding and very laid back. Met with him today for the first time. Had a great experience talking about what my background was, what my problems have been, if I had been out to anyone, if I had crossdressed publicly at all before. And most of all what my goals are, where I see myself going and starting a plan of action.

Now I am really nervous, scared, anticipatory, and thrilled beyond belief. I have never had this much clarity in my life. His suggestion was to find a couple of friends whom I trust and can come out to and to go out in my real identity and meet some other people, have fun and experience the feeling of being out. Holy Sh%*t talk about throwing myself way off balance, so far beyond my comfort zone. Can't wait to see the result.

Tabled for now is figuring out how I am going to come out to my mother. This is going to be, by far, the most difficult and frightening step I get to look forward to. (I share an apartment with my mother - so we are pretty close and she has no idea what I have been living with all these years)

Step 3 - Finding friends who I can come out to that I trust and will be sensitive to my situation and can help me make my first excursion out as Deanna. I contacted a wonderful friend of mine who has moved to another state, but still does some business here. I asked if she was going to be here any time soon because I had something I really wanted to talk to her about. I was thrilled beyond belief when she told me she was on a plane on her way here and would like to get together midweek. (boy are the stars aligning or what?)

Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to break the news to her and asking for her support. She is lesbian, so I'm sure she will have some understanding of my situation - I hope. Plus she is about my age, bonus. Most of my other gay and lesbian friends are a lot younger than me and somewhat more immature.

I would welcome any words of advice or suggestions as to what I can say to break the news to my friend and how to ask for her support. Also, when you first ventured out in your true identity, where did you go? My therapist suggested a gay/lesbian bar/club that features crossdressers and/or drag queen shows. I have a few gay friends who are very into the drag scene. If I take this route, any suggestions for outfits? I haven't been out to a club of any sort in more than 10 years, and never as a woman and I have never been to a GBLT club. I have no idea what to wear. I know I don't want to go out in anything flashy, gaudy, or particularly attention getting.

So many questions. You gals must be getting tired of me already.  Any advice would be fabulous.

Hugs all around 

Deanna

If you are going to go out with friends, dress as any woman would.  Age appropriate.  If you are not 20ish, don't dress that way.  I am not one for gay/lesbian clubs.  But my Girl and I usually go to a straight trucker bar.  But I would not recommended that for the first time.  A gay/lesbian club would be a good place to start.  And you can and will meet other TS/TG/CD. 

When I started years ago, I was part of a CD/TS club.  We met at someone's house and sometimes we were met at a club.  It was a great place to gain tips and confidence.  But eventually you will have to fight solo.  And then you have to decide on your sexuality.  Then you decide that if you are straight, you need to get used to straight clubs.  If not then the GLB clubs are a good place.  But even then you will have to join the rest of the world and just live your life.  I am Bi, as is my girlfriend and we like the rest of the world type clubs.  Interacting with shall we say the "straight" world?

That can be misleading as we are not some straight extraterrestrial being, we are just people living our lives as we have set forth.

Janet

Congrats on step #1 and #2.  That is a BIG step.  Been there done that.  You know there is no easy way to tell family that your TS.  Two options is to 1. tell your mom you have something you need to talk and schedule a time to do it in the evening.  Option 2 would be to write a letter to her to read while your away.  But I think for close family it just about requires a face to face chat.

If there is any TG/TS groups in your area, that would be a good place to meet and chat about things.  Your therapist might be able to recommend a group.  Susans is a great place for online support too.

We have all been there hon,  take it a day at a time. 

Beni

Thank you so much Janet and Beni. Your help and support and especially experience means the world to me. These next few steps are going to be the hardest I think. The step 1 was relatively easy once I reached a certain point where I could see myself in the experiences of those on this forum. It was a long ride to get here, but once the bus arrived it was easy to step off and say THIS IS WHAT I AM! Talking to a therapist who has been through all of this, though the polar opposite (FtM) was quite easy and seemed the natural thing to do.

This next step is scaring the crap out of me - there have been very few things in my life that have scared me. Being robbed at knifepoint was a walk in the park by comparison. Being rear ended by a drunk driver going 40mph faster than me spinning the car around twice - no problem. Stepping out in public? Looking the way I do? BIG problem.

Janet, I have no clue what women my age (47) are wearing to clubs these days - gay, lesbian, straight, alien - not a clue. I'm hoping my friend will be willing to share fashion tips.

I'm sure it won't be happening for a week or two or twenty. 

Thanks again,

Deanna

Deanna,

What I did and MAY work for you. I asked my friends and kids if they remembered me being unhappy and being alone so much of the time. I asked them if they could ever remember me being happy when people were around. The answer was no because being with people when I could not be myself made me miserable. I told them there was a reason for my being quiet and alone and that it may sound kind of strange but looking in the mirror, both literally and the mirror of people around me, had me seeing a different person than they did. the person I saw was an average guy while what they saw was ...mom, or a woman. After a  little silence they asked questions. Some were embarassing and some were curiosity type questions. I answered as best I could but was unprepared for some of them. Most of the time it went well, the few that didn't, well let's just say I don't see them near as often.

I was prepared for most of them to be unkind but was surprised by how many were kind or at least willing to accept and explore what I was telling them.

I would change only in preparing more for some of the possible questions. My general approach seemed to work out well for me.

If this works for you, use it, but either way, Good luck and I hope knowing your not alone helps you get through all the things that you will deal with in the future. It is what gave me confidence to get through telling anyone and survive the negatives that I have run into.

Stay conservative, till you find the style that fit you, Hon.  I am 55 and do not dress in mini skirts or very short dresses.  Look and observe what others your age wear when going out.  Go to a regular club, order a tonic water and a twist of lime and then just watch.

Janet

Thank you LordKAT,

That sounds like a wonderful approach and the script could easily mirror my own history. I wonder what some of the questions were that you were unprepared for? Were they more personal or technical/procedural/medical type questions?

I'm thinking of starting off with the easier end of my friends list, those that I'm sure will be understanding, supportive, and kind and then work my way up to most feared (mom). I figure with a little practice at answering the questions and handling the reactions and gauging reactions, then I may be better prepared for causing minimal damage to my mom.

Janet, that sounds like a good idea, going on a recon mission in drab to study what others are wearing. Oh, and this body? No way a mini/short anything is going to fly. I'm most concerned with the face and hair.

Deanna

Just observe and learn.  Understating your looks is a good way to start.  And see if there is someone that does makeover for TS/TG women.  You can learn a lot, or have a female friend give you one.  But then again you would need to be out, or at least use Halloween as an excuse. 

Janet

A little early to be practicing for Halloween. 

Deanna,

One comment/question that threw me was after asking me about what surgeries I was planning on and talking  tiny bit about medio or phallo, my gf of 20+ years blurts out with "Does it work?". I said its possible. She wasn't talking about the surgery exactly.

My youngest daughter asked if I liked girls guys or both. (I told her both I think as I really wasn't sure of many things atm,) She also commented on my being mom, grndma and greatgrandpa. I wasn't sure how to answer that one. She now calls me sometimes grandma and sometimes grandpa to her daughter.

Some questions entailed explaining the differences between sex, gender, and orientation. Some of my answers were I just don't know yet, I'm still exploring. Some were how could I be a guy when it was obvious I wasn't. So much for them understanding at that point. Some were how I was going to still be catholic and trans. I was raised that way, but, early on had probs with the catholic church so I'm not sure how that came up.

Some were questions on the sex act itself, as I said , embarassing.

Dearest Deanna,

Let me first welcome you to Susan's!! I am so glad that you have found your way here and are now posting questions. Now sweetie, let's sit, and have a cup of tea and talk. Deanna dear, It is so wonderful that you are truely seeing who you are!! Dearest, I know that you want to tell everyone, you want to transition now!!! Well hon, it is not that simple. First babe, there is no schedule, no formula, to transitioning. Second sweetie, coming out really is something that one should do long after one realizes who they are for the first time. My dear, dear Deanna, take your time, be patient, learn to crossdress, learn more about yourself.


Now hon, I am not telling you what to do, I am just offering suggestions.


HUGS and Love

Brenda

Hi Brenda,

Thanks for the welcome. I'm very happy to have found this little sanctuary and getting answers to questions and questioning questions that haven't even been questioned before. 

Now, please don't get me wrong, while I would love to have the quick and magical transition pill that would change me along with the whole worlds perception, I know that there is no such pill. I know that this is going to be the most difficult and emotional and trying and painful thing I have ever done in my life. Harder than getting through 47 years of beating myself up for feeling the way I have and not understanding why I was such a freak and keeping from killing myself a thousand times over. I am not in a position, mentally, psychologically, emotionally or financially to jump into full transition mode. But, between my therapist and I we feel it would be beneficial to come out to a small, tight knit circle of trusted friends who I know will be able to give me the support, protection, guidence, friendship, fashion tips, and social experiences that I need to boost my self confidence. It will also help me to more fully understand and explore Deanna - that part of me that I have kept locked inside for nearly my whole life.

Now I have been dressing since I was a pre-teen, but never fully dressed for going in public. I am not working from any schedule and have no plan to start HRT until I know that it is the next road to take and I am fully ready to take it. And I will figure out the next step from there and then the next etc. until I am where ever I am comfortable and happy.

I have known about myself for decades, but only recently discovered the box of labels that defined me, kind of. Know I know I'm not alone and I'm not a freak - crazy, yes freak, no.

I greatly appreciate your concerns and your advice and I will take it to heart and I plan to be around here for a good long time. And I will always be happy to share a cup of tea. You're a very sweet and giving lady.

Feel free to keep me straight, umm... in line any time. 

Deanna

Quote from: Deanna_Renee on August 01, 2009, 12:41:00 AM
But, between my therapist and I we feel it would be beneficial to come out to a small, tight knit circle of trusted friends who I know will be able to give me the support, protection, guidence, friendship, fashion tips, and social experiences that I need to boost my self confidence. It will also help me to more fully understand and explore Deanna - that part of me that I have kept locked inside for nearly my whole life.

Now I have been dressing since I was a pre-teen, but never fully dressed for going in public. I am not working from any schedule and have no plan to start HRT until I know that it is the next road to take and I am fully ready to take it. And I will figure out the next step from there and then the next etc. until I am where ever I am comfortable and happy.

I have known about myself for decades, but only recently discovered the box of labels that defined me, kind of. Know I know I'm not alone and I'm not a freak - crazy, yes freak, no.

Deanna

Deanna,

Like most people who late in life feel the relief at finally taking the plunge and admit to the feelings they have, you appear to be on an adrenaline rush right now. Be careful what you wish for especially in coming out to people as once the genie is out of the bottle it becomes impossible to put the cork back in, news  & rumours can travel fast and have devestating effects on the best laid plans and friends and family, there is a time to tell your story for sure, but make sure you are ready for that.

The best thing for you right now is to read and learn about other peoples experiences, learn to walk before you run especially when it comes to going out in public, unless you want bad things to happen take time in your presentation, mannerisms and build up your confidence.

I to was very much like you, bursting with energy and determined to become the woman I always wanted to be, but with help from my friends it was over 6 months before I was ready to even go out and that was 12 months after I started electrolysis and had speech therapy, dont set out to fail.

I had many questions about clothes, jewerelly, make up, shoes, my head was spinning, but again I took time to build a wardrobe, spent nights just putting on and taking off make up before I was happy I could get it right.

The first time I went out was with friends to a shopping centre and I was scared as hell, worried and paranoid that I was going to be looked at, pointed at by everyone... but it didn't happen and that was a great confidence booster, why? .. because I actually looked the part.

Remember one thing and that is during transition we have to manage our own expectations as well as the expectations of others.

No one can tell you what is right and what is wrong, but it is always good to read of other people experiences and especially sucesses.

Buffy

Buffy,

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I will keep it and reread it again and again. You're right about the adrenaline rush. I'm sure, like all adrenaline rushes, it will level off soon and I will think a bit more clearly and rationally.  The two people I'm hoping to open up to are very dear friends whom I trust to hold my confidence. It also helps that they don't know each other and know very few of my other friends. I tend to compartmentalize bits of my life.

I will take your advice and take the time to build my self image and confidence sufficiently before creeping out the door. Going out is my goal, I just don't know how long it will take me to get there. I'm very introverted and have always been uncomfortable in the spotlight.

I'm pretty sure that my first venture out won't be the mall! (what were you thinking?!) I think that is why my therapist suggested a GLBT club where I would be around people who may, or may not, be more respectful of my timidness while coming out.

I usually have good luck with decisions, things have a tendency to go pretty much to plan. Whether it is karma, organizational superiority (haha), psychic ability to alter people's minds, or what, I don't know. Just seems they work out. I just need that confidence first.

Deanna

Well, I guess I'm going a bit out of order.

I had 1 done for a while, began 3 and NOW I guess I'll have to go talk to a therapist.

Hi Grace,

I just finished reading your inspiring introduction and commented there. I'm so happy that your experience with your parents was so rewarding. I can only hope that I have anywhere near as good an experience with my mom.

Welcome to Susan's and I wish you all the best in your journey and at college.

Deanna

Grace,
There is no particular order. I admit to self, changed name, came out to friends and family, then therapist. What works for one works differently for another.