I was in various forms of denial until about 2 years ago..
Before that I'd used terms like "Sometimes" or "maybe" or "if", and said, to myself more than to others that I wouldn't be "happy" with either one sex, that I'd just have to learn to live with what I got.
Then I realized all the maybes and sometimes and things just weren't right, weren't honest.. and I found myself looking at myself in the mirror.. and I knew I had to "do" something about it or I'd end up slitting my wrists

I think I'm still in the process of admitting it to myself in words. But like many others I always knew something was wrong/different. I always wanted to pee standing up and wear pants, much to my mother's joy (NOT).
I've ID'd as lesbian for many years and the shoe never really fit. I new it was possible to "change sex" but always figured that FTMs looked like their femanine self with more hair lol. So I convinced myself that I was just a masculine female. I get mistaken for a male all the time, but then get the whole "oh I'm sorry" when/if people figure out I'm not. After having enough of that I came across stories and pics of FTMs transitioning.
Then  I started researching transition and stumbled across vids on youtube and was glued!!! I ended up going like $350 over my internet cap plan lol!! And I still don't care (usually I get cranky!)
It's amazing to find out that I am not alone in my feelings. I always thought it was me against the world... It's awesome to find a "team"!!
Cheers
Jay

I... Don't know if I've had a moment in which I've had to admit to myself that I was transgendered.  Throughout my life, there has been body dysphoria and very obvious identification to the male gender, but I never gave these things a name.  Much of the time, I simply thought I was a normal girl who felt "too fat"; a term I used to describe my discomfort with the early stages of puberty, when I began to develop breasts and curves, which were so foreign to me.  As I was socially inept and unable to understand what others were thinking or feeling, I simply came to the conclusion that I was just like anyone else.  And looking back, sometimes I said things I had no explanation for.  I told my brother, when I was merely six years old, that I was his brother and had been in a horrible accident, and that was why I didn't have a penis.  Did I think anything of it at the time, or how strangely complete I felt peeing with a funnel cup?  No, not at all.  In my mind, I almost convinced myself that I was that boy who had been through that accident.  Maybe I was saying it more to myself than to him.

There have been "whens" and "ifs", as I've seen some say already.  I would daydream about how I'd grow up to be like certain men I idolized, or as I grew older, how I would get that vague "sex change" to do so.  I didn't know about hormones or surgeries, but I figured if I had enough money, I could go under the knife and come out male.  I didn't know what exactly was involved, but I wanted it.

But these were daydreams, and bringing all of this into the real world is... well, dizzying.  I never did admit to myself that I was trans, I just lived with it.

All I've done, for the past five months or so, is take initiative and decide I may as well get started now.  What sparked this decision...?  Imagining myself as an old woman, having become more feminine as every year passed.  I realized upon reflecting that, were I to live my life as female, there would simply be no point.  I would rather die.

So I decided it was severe enough to address right away.

As soon as I knew there was a difference between boys and girls I knew I was a girl. Never fitted into boy society as a child. Have never regarded myself as male. Didn't help anything. Told my parents at about 13 that I was female and not male. Didn't go well.I think things have got easier, at least in Wealthy society at recognising GID. I have never thought myself as transgendered. I've always thought me as being female. I really cannot describe the feelings I have. I am female. The body isn't. I have always been female. The body never has. I think the more I talk to people on this site the same story appears in MtF and FtM, we know, we cannot all make it up. Never happended to that nice boy/girl at Mrs Smiths' house. Lucky bitch/dude (not meant to offend).

I wish I was normal.

I AM.

Cindy

I always wanted to grow up to be a man. I've always felt that's how it should be, but I only got the guts to go after it earlier this year after losing almost everything. It was in that loss that I gained the freedom to do what I wanted... and I decided I needed to chase the future that's best for me and not the future others think I should have.

I've known something was up as a kid, and said nothing.

I figured it out when I was about 14, but did and said nothing. I gave up on doing anything because I didn't think it was a realistic option. So, I tried to live as female. That led to major depression, a wasted dropout life, and punching walls saying I'm actually a man in fits of rage. Sometimes, in pure rage we can discover the truth about what's really bothering us - but we have to be willing to listen.

Finally, after life went BOOM and a heap of reflection, I made a conscious level headed admittal to being trans and started transition this year.

I think someone's been typing cheat codes in my console... 'cause life's just gotten a damn sight easier  .

Interestingly, I also decided to make the leap when I lost everything I had at the time.  I'd recently dropped out of school as well.  Rather than get aggressive, though, I simply faded away.  Started staying in bed most days.  It was like I was on my death bed.

There were times throughout my childhood that I would burst into fits of rage, or burst into tears about what I thought to be absolutely nothing at all.  There was something frustrating me, and I used different excuses for its source... There were times that I passed by myself in the mirror and was so overcome with hatred I wanted to break things.  Or tried.  I even tried to express these things to my parents in the form of "I hate being a girl", or "men are so lucky", or even with "I want to be an actor, but I can't act as male characters, so I'm going to go off and get a sex change and name myself George."

Hiding the truth in a joke is so easy.

I remember being around the age of 4 when I first wanted to be a boy. My friend had told me that boys were more likely to be stung by bees (I doubt this is true) and I said "I'm glad I'm not a boy." I felt pretty happy for a minute or so until I realized that I didn't care how many bees stung me, so long as I could be a boy. It didn't make logical sense to me that I could be male, as far as I was concerned I had a vagina, that made me female. So I just wished I were male.
Then as a teen (10 months ago) I heard the term 'transgender' and said to myself, "That's what I am!" I wasn't in denial at all, it was like something just clicked that I could be, and was, a boy. Since then I've been gathering infromation on the subject and started to view myself as male.

I knew quite early that there was something very wrong.  I was about 8 I think.

But as I entered puberty I came to the conclusion that I was a ->-bleeped-<- not transsexual because I read so many stories of transsexuals losing their fortunes, family, and careers and becoming prostitutes and drug addicts.  I knew I could never do that, so I must be a ->-bleeped-<-.  Besides I didn't like boys, I liked girls, I didn't realize that sexual orientation is different than gender identity.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I came out of denial and admitted that I was a transsexual and not a ->-bleeped-<-.

From that time on I have made pretty good progress, I think, in coming to terms with being transsexual! 

-Sandy

Quote from: Sandy on July 30, 2009, 04:15:57 PM
I knew quite early that there was something very wrong.  I was about 4 I think.

But as I entered puberty I came to the conclusion that I was a ->-bleeped-<- not transsexual because I read so many stories of transsexuals losing their fortunes, family, and careers and becoming prostitutes and drug addicts.  I knew I could never do that, so I must be a ->-bleeped-<-.  Besides I didn't like boys, I liked girls, I didn't realize that sexual orientation is different than gender identity.

It wasn't until this year that I came out of denial and admitted that I was a transsexual and not a ->-bleeped-<-.

From that time on I have made pretty good progress, I think, in coming to terms with being transsexual! 

-Sandy

What Sandy said (with two small edits ).

- Kate

Kate/Sandy
I dont wont to be rude but your accounts seem a bit dubious. How can you be well read about transexulism in your teens when the internet wasnt around. I doubt that there would be many books around. Personally myself it hit me at 38 when someone suggested I might have gender conflict. Until then I always thought I was a bit different, but now it all makes sence.

Quote from: Krissy_Australia on July 31, 2009, 07:46:05 AM
Kate/Sandy
I dont wont to be rude but your accounts seem a bit dubious. How can you be well read about transexulism in your teens when the internet wasnt around. I doubt that there would be many books around. Personally myself it hit me at 38 when someone suggested I might have gender conflict. Until then I always thought I was a bit different, but now it all makes sence.

Krissy:

I don't think it is rude at all.

"Well read" is a relative term.  The only information I had when I was in my teens was the sensationalist news accounts television interviews of transsexuals.  One of the television interviews I watched was about a trans woman who became a stripper and her show was called "Kary and her 45's".  Then her breasts started to sag so she had reduction surgery and changed her show to "Kary and her 38's".  She was not someone I wanted to emulate.  There was the book by Christine Jorgensen but that was about all I had for any serious information.  That was why I was convinced I was TV not TS because I never wanted to be a pole dancer or prostitute, but that was all I ever saw.

-Sandy

Quote from: Krissy_Australia on July 31, 2009, 07:46:05 AM
Kate/Sandy
I dont wont to be rude but your accounts seem a bit dubious. How can you be well read about transexulism in your teens when the internet wasnt around. I doubt that there would be many books around. Personally myself it hit me at 38 when someone suggested I might have gender conflict. Until then I always thought I was a bit different, but now it all makes sence.

Oops.  I should have read Sandy's post more carefully.  I was naive enough in early puberty to still believe I would grow breasts and that other stuff would fall off.  By late puberty the hormones had kicked in and all I could think of was how to get laid.   Still, I've had gender issues all my life.  Even while I wanted to get into the pants of girls for sex, I was conflicted enough to want to get into their pants to be them.

I had heard about Chrisitne Jorgensen by the time I entered puberty, but all tales were of her being a freak and I didn't want to be a freak.  And then Renee Richards, also played up as a freak.  I had heard of others, conflated with drag queens and other marginalized people.  This was at a time when you could be assaulted for being gay, go to the police to complain, and be thrown in jail for being a public nuisance.  I could only imagine what being TS would get you.

When I was about 40, still before the internet, I found a public library with a good TS collection – Renee Richards' book as well as Jan Morris' and a few others, plus some more scientific ones, including something by Benjamin. 

I looked into transitioning at that time but I would surely lose my job (military) and all tales were that I would end up on society's margins, where there is a much smaller cushion against violence and jail than what I was used to.  I just couldn't face it.

This is a different time.  Just being able to "talk" with all of you is enormously helpful, beyond anything that was available 25 years ago.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm afraid many people don't understand how different the world was not too long ago.  The world today is surely not perfect, but people are far more accepting now than they were.  We are making progress.

- Kate

I always knew that there's something wrong...
Since I can remember I always played with boys, wore boys clothes... I was one of the boys! But when I was old enough to understand that there are differences between boys and girls, I wanted to be a boy... Someone told me when I was young that if a girl goes under the rainbow it would become a boy and vice versa... So every time I saw a rainbow I would try to run under it... 

Anyway, when I entered puberty i tried to be a girl and just to ... It never worked.
I had a "normal" lif, but something was missing...

One night I was sitting in my room, talking with my best friend over the phone, and we both were watching American wrestling. In one moment, Randy Orton ( ) was on the screen, and she said how cute he was... I said "Well, yeah", but the thing that crossed my mind was "I wan't to look like that!" For a second, I was a bit confused... I finished the conversation with my friend after a few minutes, and I start thinking about it... And I think that was a day I admitted to myself that I'm trans. 

And that girl was the first (and only) person I told that I'm trans...

3 months ago. ok so this is a little strange. i am going to be 59 next month. i ventured into the toronto trans scene a year ago. yes it was sexual fascination. didnt understand it. knew i wanted it. couldnt explain it. still cant really explain it to anyone. i feel i do not belong to the male gender. in restrspect i never did. women. yes well they can be lovely but they would have to fit extreme parameters. i knew the moment i saw a transwoman i had found my "tribe'. it wasnt just sexual. i am for the most a very spiritual person but not religious. it was and is like somehow after all these years i simply knew the truth about me. i luv transwomen and i am becoming one. if anything perhaps two spirited would explain me more. but i also know that i am going to use the remaining years of my life to push for the policical acceptance and guarantee of transgenered rights. it amases me to suddenly know that i seem to intuitively understand trans issues. i still have much to learn but after a heart attack 6 months ago, severe suicidal depression in april, i have to get a move on. i have to control my life the way i want and will not be a slave to anyone or anything.   I now decide how i will live being the true me. HRT is three months away.

Its interesting. Ive heard so many stories of ftms who ran to the boys section of clothes as little kids. I never did that..I think because I either didn't care or didn't think it was acceptable. Now I feel free to do whatever I want. And its awesome

self acceptance is empowering. i have been shopping for fem clothes now atleast four times and have simply told the clerks i am trans. they help immediately as if i were sixteen and needed all the help i can get. this includes todays shopping spree for makeup. omg the costs.

Quote from: Calistine on August 01, 2009, 10:59:43 PM
Ive heard so many stories of ftms who ran to the boys section of clothes as little kids.

Only as kids? 

Though I suppose technically it became walked to the mens section 

Quote from: Teknoir on August 02, 2009, 06:58:58 AM
Only as kids? 

Though I suppose technically it became walked to the mens section 

Yeah, me as well; and my mother always tried to persuade me to buy in the women's section xD

Though, I first admitted to myself that I am trans only one and a half year ago, when I was 17, and came out only a few months later. My problem was I had never heard of ftm before...I only knew the mtf way...

Well, I didn't run to the boy's isle when I was young...
But I didn't even think about clothes.  My parents dressed me in what they dressed me; they never told me "dresses are for little girls and pants are for little boys", and even though they dressed me in girl's clothes, they never really gendered me.  It was a piece of fabric over my head – I didn't think much else of it.  When I got old enough to like clothes, I hated dresses with such a passion that I tried to convince my other friends to stop wearing them.  It really depends upon how gendered you are as a child, and also how you are as a person.  I was a pretty androgynous child but always felt that I took on a male role.  Even when I was 5.

But we're all different. 

Quote from: Adrian on August 02, 2009, 01:56:21 PM
Well, I didn't run to the boy's isle when I was young...
But I didn't even think about clothes.  My parents dressed me in what they dressed me; they never told me "dresses are for little girls and pants are for little boys", and even though they dressed me in girl's clothes, they never really gendered me.  It was a piece of fabric over my head – I didn't think much else of it.  When I got old enough to like clothes, I hated dresses with such a passion that I tried to convince my other friends to stop wearing them.  It really depends upon how gendered you are as a child, and also how you are as a person.  I was a pretty androgynous child but always felt that I took on a male role.  Even when I was 5.

But we're all different.

I was similar to you..my mom always bought my clothes for me. But I HATED dresses. I haven't owned one in years and I wore one the other day for the first time in over a year, and it was only for a costume.