I usually demanded I be able to wear pants, but there were the odd occaisions where my mother won and I was put in a dress... Like for kinder pics and then about 2 mins after the photos I was back in pants out in the dirt!! 
The last dress I wore was for school, and even that was a stretch for me... I never understood why I couldn't just wear pants and shorts like all the other boys... Yet another "DUH" moment, and the only skirts I ever owned I got issued to me when I was in the Navy... They're still hanging on the exact same hangers from when I first got them - perfectly pressed, not a pleat out of order
Jay

I just always thought I was a pervert.  From the age of three, I was embarrassed to tell anyone about myself.  I didn't think of it in the terms that it is commonly discussed.  "All I want is to be a girl" was the way I put it.  I didn't even hear the word "transsexual" until I had nearly finished college (I'm glad for that actually).  For once I found that word, I started thinking about it, wondering about it, reading every published article that caught my eye. I looked up the books in the school library.  All they had was Harry Benjamin's book.  I carefully concealed it between a couple standard calculus texts and sequestered myself in a corner desk and read it one afternoon.  I remember that I was especially hateful of the people who had torn out the pictures. I wanted information.... and all they had wanted was something to poke fun at or get off on.

So.... admit to myself?  I suppose it was my earliest thought.  Commit to do something about it? Far later than I should have.  I made a big mistake and "counseled" with my Mormon church leaders.  They told me to get married and have children and to attend the temple often.  How poor their advice was.  I'm grateful that I did have children (although they wish nothing to do with me), but because of that horrible advice, many people suffered years of sadness.

My advice to anyone who thinks they've got this...... don't get married and have kids till you've got it sorted out!

Cindi

I all but believed I was a boy until I was 8, when the horrendous chest lumps started growing. By 10 I knew I was solely attracted to girls, so I figured I must be gay, but it never really fit. At 18, I watched Boys Don't Cry, which was the first time I'd ever heard anything about ftms... before that, I thought trans people were only mtf (likely due to the lack of exposure at the time). Boys Don't Cry, however, scared the s*** out of me, and while I totally recognized myself in it, I decided I'd be happier being gay, even if it didn't really fit. At 22, though, I started really looking into it again, and came out to one friend that year... he didn't take it well at all. Got into a horrible relationship with a guy who mostly identified as a girl, while I was mostly identifying as a guy, and when that ended, I decided to go for it and transition. So I guess I admitted it to myself at 22, went mostly full-time at 23, then totally full-time at 24, and started T at 25. I'm slow.

SD

Quote from: Sebastien on August 06, 2009, 06:04:23 PM
So I guess I admitted it to myself at 22, went mostly full-time at 23, then totally full-time at 24, and started T at 25. I'm slow.

SD

That's slow?

SilverFang

I can't remember a time when i haven't known.  Literally from the age I could talk I was telling my mom I was a boy.  I never really REJECTED being trans.  I more just figured there wasn't much that could be done to change that sorta thing, and so I just lived with it.  Then I started dating my ex who really noticed how awfully uncomfortable with myself i am and convinced me that it wasn't so absurd to try to do something about it along with helping me on my way/motivating me further than just the deciding to do something.  That was around 2 years ago. 

Since I was about...well I was around four or five years old I had always wished I was a boy. But until recently I didn't know about being transgender. One morning I was joining a gay christian forum and it asked me for my gender. It had a side note next to the choice that said "If you identify as trans, pick the gender you want to be referred to as". I thought for a couple seconds and I just chose "Male". I posted an introduction post on the forum and used the name "Eddie". That was the day I admitted to myself that I'm trans. And ever since then, I've been male. It felt like something inside me had been awakened and free

I'm sure that last part sounded kind of lame but I didn't know how else to word it. Lol

i always knew something was different....little things as a kid (pretending to shave, seeing intersex documentaries and wondering if that happened to me, saying it would be better to be a boy, etc), and never really feeling quite right. plus, i never really paid attention to my body before age 17 or 18 - i just figured since i was the fat kid, that was why i didn't like my body. then around 19 i used a male persona online and it felt so RIGHT, it threw me into a lot of confusion and social anxiety that my body didn't look like i wanted it to (i didn't really realize then that it was gender related).

then when i got with my now-ex after having been on antidepressants and mostly ignoring it (even though i thought of myself as a drag queen more than a girl, duh moment), she introduced me to the LGBT community and thus transsexuality. i didn't understand it at first, but decided genderqueer made sense to me. cue finding Susan's. After seeing more of people's experiences and my relationship problems around sex and then really really examining myself, i began thinking transition sounded more right. of course, even now i think "what the hell am i thinking?!" and try to deny it by saying "if" i transition, "maybe" i can do it, "maybe" i can be happy as a girl...

so really, i still haven't admitted it to myself completely. i've admitted to myself that no i'm not a girl, yes i am more of a guy, but the "can i do this? is this the way to be happy?" question remains.

(sorry for the long windedness, but it was as much for myself as anything  )

I first admitted it to myself about a month ago. I've been questioning my gender for about a year, though the feeling of...not belonging, I guess, have been there for a LONG time. I just couldn't figure out why I felt that way. When I was younger I was a complete tomboy - wore boys clothes, hung out with mostly boys, had short hair, did typically "boys" things. I was always mistaken for a boy, but when my mom corrected them, they always apologized, and I remember wondering why, it was kind of nice. When I got older, I started trying to assimilate due to peer pressure, but it never felt right. So now at 15, I've finally figured it out. As soon as I did a little research, I knew this "fit".

I always knew that something was different about me since I was a child. Never understood what it was. Crossdressed as a teenager, and throughout my life. It was not until 2003 did I understand that I was a late stage transsexual. I am only late stage because I did not know until then. Now I realize that I was always trans.

When?.. Spring 2003, I knew then.

Brenda

Quote from: bernii on August 29, 2009, 11:52:15 PM
I always knew that something was different about me since I was a child. Never understood what it was. Crossdressed as a teenager, and throughout my life. It was not until 2003 did I understand that I was a late stage transsexual. I am only late stage because I did not know until then. Now I realize that I was always trans.

When?.. Spring 2003, I knew then.

Brenda

Late term. I like that. Ive always known something was up but I didnt always think it was that I was a boy inside. Now I realize..

I've been fairly socially isolated my whole life - my younger sister was the tomboy, always playing with toy cars and climbing trees, but since I didn't really play at all, had no interest in what clothes I was put in, had no real contact with either boys or girls in primary school after being more or less ostracised with alleged selective mutism until I was about eight... gender was never a real issue for me. Having said that, I naturally placed myself in the male categories in teams, even tried football once - God that was a disaster - and, I think, just generally assumed everybody ignored burgeoning evidence of their feminity, as it were. It was only at about age fourteen when I suddenly realised I had to start socialising because being bullied was boring, and consequently spent two years or so posing as a female that I thought something was going on. Being assessed for Asperger's, I thought, would be a way out, but the psychiatrist wouldn't diagnose me beause I wasn't male and she hadn't seen Asperger's in a girl before. Additionally, ignorant specimen that I am, I sort of assumed that changing from female to male 'wasn't allowed', as well as when watching a documentary about breast augmentation at about age ten, I assumed that reduction also wasn't allowed, somehow, and thence dismissed the matter.

Excitingly, finding I had to confront the fact that appearing female was putting on an act coincided with the sort of teenage angsty years which lead to a lot of unpleasantness for all involved, so I believe, and it was about a year ago precisely that I decided 'no, I'm fed up with pretending and being confused'. Personally, the issue of gender was always tied up with that of sexuality, and I still haven't been able to separate the two - am I physically inclined towards males or do I just want to emulate them?, for instance. But I came out, as it were, to a friend of mine at about the same time as I started binding and actively seeking out male clothes. Mother, for reasons unknown, confiscated my binder and the penis I had and forbade me from wearing male clothes or cutting my hair short, and that's still going on, but during sixth form there's too much going on what with university applications and A levels to bother with equivocation, which is really what's spurred my decision to just get the hell on with it - will be going to the doctors in the next few weeks.

Anyway, apologies for cathartic drivel: my story is in fact not too different from a lot of others I daresay.

I've doubted myself since I was about 12.  I was always the tomboy, but the other 'tomboys' were a lot girlier than me even.  It was that age I started realising I liked girls too.  From then untill now, I've always had a bit of doubt in my mind about my gender, but I don't remember the exact time I admitted that something was 'different' about me.  I first identified as androgynous though, which later became 'something between androgynous and male'.

Quote from: Jimmy1669 on August 31, 2009, 07:44:35 AM
Personally, the issue of gender was always tied up with that of sexuality, and I still haven't been able to separate the two - am I physically inclined towards males or do I just want to emulate them?

Heh, I know that feeling. But it is possible for the answer to be both, and that's perfectly ok.

I've since learnt the type of male I "like" in that awkward way, and the type I want to emulate parts of are different.  It took a while to seperate the two.

Quote from: Jimmy1669 on August 31, 2009, 07:44:35 AM
Anyway, apologies for cathartic drivel: my story is in fact not too different from a lot of others I daresay.

Sometimes (especially early on) it's just nice to get it out there in a place where you're not being judged and other people can relate to your experiances.

Welcome .

Maybe I knew in my teen years. It wasn't until years later when I came out to others that I truly accepted the fact. It became a need rather than a desire to be feminine.