I think I am just looking for a place to vent here... or talk, I don't know yet, I don't know any of you yet, but somehow I was led here so here I am. Please forgive me for venting, I just need a place to write my feelings where they are seen by those who might understand...

I don't even know where to start... I met him around 8 years ago online and we met in person, at that time I didn't know he was TG.  We were friends for a few years and then fell in love. I knew he liked to dress like a girl as we went out together dressed like girls, so I did not go into this relationship blind... I just loved him so much, so deeply and it seemed like we were meant to be together at the time, like a spiritual link stronger than we are... hard to explain. Impossible to explain...

We had an on again / off again relationship for a long time, at least a year and a  half and we just couldn't stay away from each other. We broke up around 6 years ago and that is when I found out I was pregnant with our child. I won't say much about the year after that but we ended up back together to raise our daughter and because we cared so much for each other.

I'm not going to go into the history of our relationship year by year, I just wanted to give a background... I am going to FF to the NOW. I still love him so dearly and he is a great "dad" to our daughter, he takes care of us but lives his life driving a truck (he (she) always took "man" job) away from us.

I know that all he wants is to be a woman, so much that I don't really think anything else matters to him besides our daughter who I think comes first to him. He's just so scared of how his parents and me and our daughter and everyone will feel about him that he goes back and forth and gets the hormones and once he has them he'll take them and then go off of them and then when he gets angry he'll say "well, I should take my hormones" and then he will for a few days and then he'll say "I need to be a normal guy" and go off the hormones, which is detrimental to his physical self, going on and off them... His latest thing is listening to the Catholic channel while driving his truck and talking about how God doesn't want him to be a girl. I'm just so sick of him getting so, so ANGRY and abusive and blaming it on "not taking the hormones". So much so I recently told him to never mention the hormones again to me!

I am putting years of our life in a small space of writing, but my main concern is for him (her). Do I need to be strong and leave him for him to make a choice in transision? Yes, I say him because he is still a him even though he is a girl inside. Does ->-bleeped-<- really encompass everything you are where ALL you can think about is being female?

I want him to be happy, at any cost, to be who SHE is because I realize that is ALL that is going to make him happy. I'm just so lost and don't know what to do anymore and ran out of answers and sympathy long ago... My 5 year old daughter hangs in the balance and I wanted to ask people who understand from his point of view, what should I do?

Greetings, Starry, and welcome to Susan's!

First, thank you for doing us the honor of sharing your life with those here,  I think you will find some words of encouragement.

Your husband sounds as if s/he is going through hell.  So many of us have been there, a lot of us still are.  I am glad that your partner has a wonderful spirituality, as s/he will need it in the years to come.  But that being said, to me, the most important thing I hear is that s/he needs to accept who s/he really is.  That can be so very tough, especially when there is a spouse and child involved, and obviously your husband does not want that to change.

Do you really think it necessary to leave your husband for transition to happen?  I know many spouses are caught in this nightmare and get something they never bargained for.  How would you feel about staying together even after transition?  Could you handle it?  Most can't but a few do.  That is something only you know.

As my therapist told me, this struggle will not simply go away.  In fact it will almost certainly get harder and harder as they years go by.  Your husband needs a good therapist.

Lastly, let me say that you are a wonderful person for even wanting to do this research.  Many just get angry and leave.  I wish all spouses were so loving.  You might also want to check out the Significant Others section, as there are many others there in your shoes.

I wish you the very best with this difficult road you are traveling.

Kristi

Your main responsibility, your ethical and moral requirement is to think of your daughter first.  Do that, and let the devil take the hindmost.  Support him, but keep a lawyer in your pocket. Odds are against this working out, so you should be aware of that, and plan for it.  You have someone else to think about here.

Kristi... that's my main point, that maybe I didn't express... S/he IS GOING THROUGH HELL and it's killing me...

I don't want us to separate but s/he has always told me that being around me makes him want to be a guy, having a family makes him want to be a guy...

And to be honest I am a heterosexual female and though I am willing to love him as a woman... I don't really know him as a woman... when he acts like a woman it's more in a "baby" way or liking  horrendeous dresses (80's prom type) nothing that is atypical for a woman nowadays...

sometimes it seems like he wants me to dress like s/he wants to dress and that is just not me.... Like s/he wants to live through me in some way....

I just want to make things right for him/her. Even if it means losing him... I need this HELL to end for him... He keeps saying "maybe I can get hypnotized to not want to be a girl" or "God doesn't want me to be a girl, He made me a guy"... goes on and on and I am out of things to say to help him except sticking with him which has enabled a lot of abuse from him towards me

Hi Starry,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another MEMBER.

And be sure to check out

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Many SO's just leave without even trying to understand.  Get a good therapist for him/her and try to find one that works with families.  S/he is trying to be two people at one time.  The man you love and depend upon, and the woman she knows she should have been.  If you two can work this out then your daughter is the winner.  Mommy and Moaddy.  And driving truck can still be in the works, my girlfriend has been driving for 30 years.  She transitioned on the job, but she is tired of the whole on-the-road life. And just wants to quit for awhile, which is fine with me.  She will be home every night now. 

Blessed Be.
Janet

Tekla, my daughter is and will always be my highest priority... as far as she knows he is a wonderful "dad" she loves him dearly and her him...s/he is more involved in her life (when he is off work) than most dads are with their kids in a month, and I feel she always will be his highest priority no matter what. One thing I do know is I will never need a lawyer....

Starry, thank you for clarifying that there is abuse involved.  This changes things I think.  Get a therapist soonest, and protect yourself and your daughter.

Kristi

Janet... just hearing you talk about "your girlfriend" with so much confidence... I want to stay with him and even if and when he makes a transition even if it is just totally in his head... I want him to get there but s/he just can't  keeps thinking God is against it.

I have told him that our daughter will love him no matter what, even if s/he is a girl and maybe even moreso and we can deal with it day to day... but s/he is having a huge spiritual battle right now as to what is right. I have told him that what is wrong in God's eyes is evil things, bad things, things that everyone knows is very wrong, not weather you are a woman or a man. When you hurt people, that is bad. I have told him that him hurting me with the anger of his confusion is a lot worse than him being a female... that him being a female hurts NO ONE and the responsibility and karma of judgement lays on the one dishing it out!!!

*sigh* I spent the last year, well, from Mar. 08 to Jan 09 by my mother's side, hospicing her, helping her die basically... My mom, she knew about my husband and accepted him how he was and loved him unconditionally... She would cry thinking of what he was going through... and his own family doesn't even know?

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Post Merge: August 05, 2009, 12:38:09 AM

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Kristi, is just verbal, nothing physical, he just gets so angry at stupid stuff all the time...

Get him on therapy.

I have tried... trust me, I have tried everything... for him to accept who s/he is, one way or another... right now I am just tired and don't know what else to do without listening to the same thing over and over and over again as I have for the past 4 years....

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Post Merge: August 05, 2009, 01:19:13 AM

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We got in a huge fight last weekend, he "broke up" with me AGAIN, this is getting commonplace where I am starting to hope it sticks.... He just got mad about a stupid thing again, meatloaf in the fridge in a pan.... ended up in "we shouldn't be together" and then hours later "how you doing, mean one? I love you"....after I had cried my eyes out... I just lost my mom, for God's sake, and lost dad 15 years ago... I know he is supporting us financially but some days I feel like I am the most alone person on the planet... I don't have any family, he has a SLEW of family .... I guess that family is about love and not blood... right?

Hi starry and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for your situation and I'm sorry to say that I think love has blinded you.

For all you said about "spiritual connections" and how you felt you were "meant to be together" the cold hard facts entirely contradict this.  By your own words, the relationship was on/off for a long time.  You broke up, reconciled, married & had a kid.  All the while dealing with rages and abuse that is excused by "not taking hormones" etc..

Now you've had a huge fight and broken up AGAIN (your emphasis) and that this "is getting commonplace".  I agree with Tekla and frankly I think you should get yourself and your daughter the hell out of that relationship and situation.  Oh and with apologies for making this a consistent theme of disagreement you probably will need a lawyer.

Do not let your love, shored up with optimism, keep you or your kid in an abusive relationship & environment.  There's nothing righteous or lofty about "sticking at it" under these circumstances...it's just plain wrong.

wow... you know, I have played everything over and over in my head and thinking that I am not accepting enough, that I need to keep trying to help him... I brought this problem to THIS forum because I wanted opinions from TG women.... people on "his" side of the spectrum, I have never done this....

I always thought that maybe I was not understanding as I should or ...

Thank you... all of you, for your help... "do not let your love, shored up with optimism, keep you or your kid in an abusive relationship..."... more true words have never been spoken I guess that to truly love someone as they say, sometimes you just have to set them free, right?

... okay, I am going to go in this direction now, set him free...

At least I am going to try to...

Dear Starry
I'm a married TG my wife knew before, we have no children and our circumstances are unique, I won't go in to them but you can trace my threads if you wish.

It can be terriblly easy to be blinded by love of the person you fell in love with. It now sounds as if she is no longer that person. She sounds very much like a person needing professional therapist help. Something most of us on this site have had to deal with. Until she can deal with that, then she will be a contradiction to her feelings. Many of us have had to deal with the horror of alcohol, drugs, depression - dealing with the situation we didn't understand. All of these behaviours are bad, all of them may, by accident, lead to physical injury and emotional injury to you or your daughter. This is not acceptable. As tekla and finewine have said you have a number one priority. Your child. You also need to think about yourself. You state quite openly that you are a heterosexual woman, fine. Heterosexual women, generally, do not like living in a lesbian relationship. Most find it intolerable. To be crude, and I apologise, but are you going to wear the strap-on, or is she? Do you really want to have sexual relationships with her? Dressing up games are different, many people do them and they are totally harmless and lots of fun. Playing Doctors and Nurses, or teacher and student are at a totally different level that is being discussed here. BTW people sorry for the stereotypes . If she wishes to go full time female, you will be living with another woman.

I'm sorry, but I have to express my opinion. I know you expected some incredible answer that living with a TG person is no problem if you love them, and it can be.

I hope things work out.
My Love and respect to you.

You sound a truely nice person.
Please let me know what happens.
You can always pm me.

Hugs and tears

Cindy James

Well, I'll buck the trend a bit and throw out a few ideas.

There are a few thing going for you, that you love him, that he is a good parent, that he is supporting you.

There is the question of whether you actually like each other. When you remove the all-consuming brain-fog of love, basically liking somebody is very important.

Then there are the negatives, his anger. His taste in clothing is questionable, but maybe he'll mature out of it. Being a woman means also wearing practical clothing to clean the bathroom too.

Only you can decide how all these factors weigh out.

I don't think that anything can move forward until he resolves his conflict. As a friend you would wish to help him in his dilemma irrespective of your relationship.

If you could get him to show up on the real-time chats, I think that various people could help him with their viewpoints. Somebody might be able to address the religious aspects better than I.

Good luck.

Thanks Renate,

You clarified my thoughts some.
Liking someone is more important than love (?). My question, I'll try and answer. We, others, get married 'cos we are in love. Want to have their babes etc. But if, down track , you don't like the person then you are stuck with either a divorce or break up. I may have the child or he may (being unisexual here, I don't have a womb) but I lose and everyone loses.

Sad situation.
Sorry
Cindy

The others are correct that a professional therapist is needed. The indecision is a big problem.  If the God most believe in is all loving and forgiving then gender is not an issue.  About the fashion sense. Try some different styles take a few Photos and compare.

Hi Starry,
Maybe you've gotten the answers you need already.  As others have said, your daughter - being 5 - is your first priority.  If her daddy is angry and tortured, regardless of the cause, she will take that personally.  That is not good for her.  You need to do what is right for your daughter first.

Your second priority is yourself.  You can only give so much, hope so much, offer so much.  You need to keep yourself strong for your daughter.  If this relationship is tearing you up this much, please seriously consider ending it for your own protection.

Your husband is living in his head too much.  (I recognize the symptoms because I've done it myself.)  He is all alone driving truck, listening to the Catholic Channel tell him he is a sinner.  That's not spirituality in my book, but that's another discussion.  He is fixated on taking the hormones - a classic behavior common to alcoholics and others.  By fixating on an external thing, he is avoiding dealing with the real problem which is within himself.

You are not able to help him if you are not strong.  If staying in the relationship keeps you from being strong – from being the whole, good, healthy person you are at heart – then staying does not help him.

He needs professional help.  If he refuses to get that, then that is a good sign that you can't help him much more.

You also need help.  Do you have supportive friends?  Do you have a way of making it on your own without his income?

Your husband is going through a very difficult time.  It can be very hard to come to terms with being transgendered.  But your first priority is the safety and well-being of your daughter; the second is the safety and well-being of yourself.  If your husband ever gets his head on straight, perhaps you three can have a good relationship (although probably not as a nuclear family), but please don't let your husband's angst ruin your lives.

I wish all three of you well.

*hugs*
Kate

Thank you all so much for all your help... I'm sorry, I know I was pretty upset last night, it's just so confusing anymore and I just can't stand to see him in so much anguish and pain over his identity, it hurts me so much to see and feel it coming from him, sometimes I think if I just could let him go then maybe he would be happier and be able to accept HERSELF, that maybe it's me that's holding him back.

It's true I have always been heterosexual, always been with men, but I have been and still am willing to TRY with D because I love him so deeply, and I know all his anger comes from his fear and confusion and identity issues. Love is love, does it really have to take a gender, or be a certain gender to love someone unconditionally?

I used to talk to my mom about it but she's gone now, and there is no one else to talk to, I live a pretty isolated life right now and he is always gone driving, supporting us, doing everything for us and never for himself... I have been trying to get him into therapy for many years and he just won't ever do it, I am still trying...

Again, thank you all so much for your help. I would like nothing better than for him to accept himself as a woman which is who he really is inside, I know that once he did his anger would go away and maybe we could even make it work and be together for the rest of our lives...

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Post Merge: August 05, 2009, 12:19:36 PM

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oh, I forgot... what's a nuclear family?

Quote from: wikipedia.orgThe term nuclear family is used to distinguish a family group consisting of most commonly, a father and mother and their children, from what is known as an extended family. Nuclear families can be any size, as long as the family can support itself and there are only children and two parents, nuclear families meet its individual members' basic needs since available resources are only divided among few individuals or the family would be known as an extended family.

Janet

A nuclear family is a family that lives together consisting of one or two parents with children.  (I guess it's an old term now, no longer used.)

I know it is hard, Starry, but if your husband won't help himself by going to therapy I don't see how much you can help him.  Perhaps if you saw a counselor it would help you.  Very often we can't work these problems out for ourselves but need the help of someone who is trained to listen to what we are saying and what we aren't saying.

Yes, your husband would probably be happier as a woman.  You are wonderful for wanting to help him find herself.  If he won't see a counselor, see one for yourself to learn how to better help him.

Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

- Kate