I'm Eddie. I was born female, but I feel male.

I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to say here...hah.

Um. Adrian actually got me to join.  I think he's linked it to me before through conversations, but I never looked into actually registering...not exactly sure why, but there you go. 

What am I supposed to say about myself here?

I've had a lot of problems with my femininity since I was young, but I wasn't sure that it wasn't a normal thing for other girls to have until I got older.  I live with my father (my parents got divorced, and my father was the obviously better parent. Not sure how to explain that XD), and he (obviously) wouldn't know how girls worked.  Therefore, I didn't, either. 

I have some memories of little things like not wanting to wear pretty dresses, being pushed away from groups of girls I was playing with because I was 'doing it wrong', complaining that girls couldn't take off their shirts when they were hot but guys could...I guess I thought most people went though that.

Now, however, femininity is just...bad for me.  I'm not against other people having it at all.  Me having it doesn't feel right.  I don't feel like myself, for example, if I put on makeup (I used to do it during high school because the popular kids made fun of me and I wanted to look 'normal', I guess).  I almost glare at the one dress I have...something I really need to get rid of.  It's not like I'll wear it any more. 

My female body is just...horrible to me.  My chest is becoming more and more of an uncomfortable thing to me that just doesn't belong.  I hate seeing it when I look down. It's really a hard thing to explain...but I just do.

I actually tried to figure out how to make my chest less relevant last night. I have this corset (I don't wear it. Got it from some goth kid friend I had during high school. Very uncomfortable/bad for obvious reasons) and I was trying to work out how I could rework it so that it could...do the opposite of what it does.  I didn't come up with anything, but...I tried. hah

The negativity towards these things really is growing.  It's funny that I didn't think this was something "wrong".  I've had so many other things go on in my life that were bad...I guess I was just not wanting more problems or something.  I don't know.

It's getting a little difficult to word things and have them make sense.  I'm not even sure how much I'm supposed to talk about the first post..

Anyway. I guess new people would be a good idea. I apologize if I'm...not very active, or whatever.  Big groups (even online) sort of make me nervous.  Just thought I'd put that out there. Don't want to seem rude or anything.

((By the way, I edited this a little bit from when I first posted it.  I'm still not sure how much information to really put here...))

Just to clarify, Adrian being me.  There are a few Adrians on here.   

See, that wasn't so hard, was it?  This is a very good site, lots of information.  Helped me a lot to see how other people in similar situations were handling things.  And there is a wealth of information and support, should you need it.  Just reading through the forums can help sometimes.

So, welcome.  You'll be just fine.

Hah, I'm sure there are a few Eddies here, too.  I wouldn't be surprised....

I'm sure it will be a good thing.  It doesn't seem like the "therapy groups" I had that...well...I explained how horribly unhelpful they were. Hahah..

I just need to get used to the place, which I'm sure I will.  I always end up getting used to it...

Hi Eddie.  Welcome to Susan's.

Your story about your growing discomfort socially and with your body makes a a lot of sense to me.  I went through pretty much the same thing even though I'm going in the opposite direction.   (Why is that thing sticking out there, where there should be a space? )

Anyway, welcome.  Pull up a keyboard and explore.

- Kate

Hey Eddie Welcome to Susan's.
Cheers,
Myles

Nah, I think you're the only Eddie. Welcome to the site, and I'm sure a lot of us can answer any questions you might have.

SD

Hi Eddie,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

Blessed Be.
Janet

Hi, Eddie. Welcome!

Oh wow.  For some reason, I didn't really expect the replies. XD

Thank you for the welcomes.  I guess (this is probably aimed more towards K8) that it must be one of the symptoms(is that the right word?) for what's going on.  I always thought it was something most people went through... shows how anti social/disconnected from the world I am.

Quote from: Eddie on August 07, 2009, 04:21:52 PM
Oh wow.  For some reason, I didn't really expect the replies. XD

Thank you for the welcomes.  I guess (this is probably aimed more towards K8) that it must be one of the symptoms(is that the right word?) for what's going on.  I always thought it was something most people went through... shows how anti social/disconnected from the world I am.

Well, you describing those awful, foreign lumps on your chest got me thinking a little.  I wouldn't know whether it's normal.  Do cisgendered girls think that way about their breasts?  I sure would hope not.  There's enough dysphoria going around with just the trans community, we don't need anymore.

Needless to say, the fact that some (if not most) women enjoy taking on female roles, having female bodies, etc, was a surprise for me.  I never thought it was possible, as a kid.

So, although this answer has been rambling and quite useless, I don't think any amount of distress can be said to be "normal".

I think you mentioned something about women enjoying taking on female roles to me before, and I was...very surprised.

It seemed like women /wouldn't/ enjoy it because, well, I don't know exactly.  I knew some girls who would dress all feminine...even knew one that wanted to be some kind of model or something...but even she complained about her body a lot.  Looking back on it, I guess she was just trying to get more attention.

Quote from: Eddie on August 07, 2009, 04:42:43 PM
I think you mentioned something about women enjoying taking on female roles to me before, and I was...very surprised.

It seemed like women /wouldn't/ enjoy it because, well, I don't know exactly.  I knew some girls who would dress all feminine...even knew one that wanted to be some kind of model or something...but even she complained about her body a lot.  Looking back on it, I guess she was just trying to get more attention.

I think there are different reasons for body dysphoria.  And yes, even people who are comfortable in their birth gender have it.

Generally speaking, our society raises girls to hate their bodies.  They look in magazines and on television and see the "perfect", sculpted bodies of models, of actresses.  They learn from their parents and peers that women who don't look like models are somehow "lesser".  They thus hate their bodies, but not because they are female; often because they are not feminine enough, or simply not the way society expects females to be.

It doesn't infer that they are less comfortable with their gender.  Like those who suffer with anorexia nervosa, there is certainly body dysphoria but it centers around weight, rather than gender.  It is key to find out which is afflicting you.

I remember at one point thinking I was just having issues with my weight. Then again, I never really did anything to fix that...I started to be al-right (it always looks weird separated like that. XD) with that part of who I was (not that I don't think I should lose weight). 

I think I basically just ignored the problems with myself until very recently, again thinking it was normal. 

Quote from: Eddie on August 07, 2009, 05:07:46 PM
I remember at one point thinking I was just having issues with my weight. Then again, I never really did anything to fix that...I started to be al-right (it always looks weird separated like that. XD) with that part of who I was (not that I don't think I should lose weight). 

I think I basically just ignored the problems with myself until very recently, again thinking it was normal.

So in essence, the weight problems were only a sliver of what was bothering you, and even with them gone you would feel the same about certain parts of your body?

We're probably hijacking this intro thread about now.

Whenever I complain to a woman friend about how awful I look in the mirror, she'll reply something like: Oh, we all think that.  I had another woman friend tell me that she was very happy in her gender, so she could see why I wanted to be a woman.

I think there's a big difference between wishing you had bigger (smaller) breasts and wishing you didn't have them at all.

(Oh, and hijack away. )

- Kate

Welcome. Yeah, hijack away. Nero started a thread about something like that topic too - that women are often uncomfortable with their bodies, but not because they don't want female bodies; rather because their bodies don't conform to some female ideal. When you grow up with girls all around you expressing that discomfort it's hard to recognize whether your own discomfort is like theirs or somehow different. Mine was different, as it turned out

Dennis

It's funny. I used to compartmentalize practically everything in my life. I thought that all little girls, growing up, wanted to be boys--who wouldn't?--but I also knew that a lot of girls seemed perfectly happy with their gender, and I kept my own gender issues a secret.

I guess if I had let all of my compartmentalized knowledge and feelings mingle, I would have exploded.

I completely understand, I was the very same.  I have suspected aspergers, although it has gone undiagnosed.  Often times this is connected to transsexualism, for whatever reason.  I know it is not a cause for my feeling this way, but it has been a cause for me not doing anything about it.  I am pretty disconnected from what is socially acceptable, and have not cared whether it was, so the fact that I wanted to be a boy and told others that I was a boy for no reason other than that it felt right was just how I was.  I didn't question it, I didn't care.  I lived in my dream world and that was fine.

But when the body problems started to kick in, so did the anxiety.  I didn't want to fit into a female ideal, I just knew something was wrong.  I think a lot of us don't really question why we feel a certain way until it either gets so painful we seek out what is bothering us, or someone brings it up.  As for me, it was so obviously a part of who I was that I didn't... even tell my parents about it.  I was a boy.  I hated my body.  Whatever.  I talked about sex changes with my friends, pretended to be men in roleplaying games.  Began to dress as male and felt so much better.  But that was me, and if anyone cared to tell me it was wrong - too bad.     It's odd, because looking back, I didn't think about my gender identity, I just lived it.  So I didn't ever say "mommy, I want to be a boy" - I just felt that way.  Communicative issues, much?

 I'm still in the stages of trying to figure out what to exactly tell my parents without them thinking I was going through a phase or something.  I pretty much know they wouldn't be against it, but I don't want them to laugh it off and think it is just something I'm 'obsessed' with or whatever. 

I'm sure at some point I'll actually work it out and be able to present them with some form of proof that isn't "I just feel this way". heh.

((I only really said this because Adrian said 'So I didn't ever say "mommy, I want to be a boy" - I just felt that way.' and I realized I should probably work out a better way to tell my parents...))


ANYWAY.

I'm also glad that I'm not the only one who wrote it off as normal...then again, I don't know why I wouldn't be.  I don't know how to explain that, really.

Quote from: Eddie on August 07, 2009, 10:19:03 PM
I'm still in the stages of trying to figure out what to exactly tell my parents without them thinking I was going through a phase or something.  I pretty much know they wouldn't be against it, but I don't want them to laugh it off and think it is just something I'm 'obsessed' with or whatever. 

I'm sure at some point I'll actually work it out and be able to present them with some form of proof that isn't "I just feel this way". heh.

At first my sister thought my beginnig transition was just another crazy scheme I'd come up with.   It took a little while and some earnest talks before she realized it was something much deeper.  I don't know that you will find "proof" to offer them other than your sincerity.

Good luck, Eddie.

- Kate