Incontinence really seems like a disability. It's frustrating and it's really affected my life in a negative way. It's gotten pretty depressing to the point of suicidal thoughts.
I've called Dr. Brassard on several occasions about it -- and now, again, waiting for him to call again. I hope he does soon. I hope I can book something with him. I have no where else to turn.
I don't know anyone else with this problem this bad. I guess I'm the lucky one.
I feel afraid to talk about it to people sometimes, not just because of the embarrassment but I'm afraid that I'll drive people away from SRS or away from a good doctor (Dr. Brassard).
I'm happy -- extremely happy -- that I had SRS. Everything looks good. The incontinence is wearing me down so much.
I've been constantly trying the kegel exercises he suggested. I'd have to say that it's improved some, but I still have issues. Somedays it doesn't seem as bad.
I've also been doing probiotics like crazy, which helped with the infections and helped calm it down a lot.
The amount of infections I've had have been insane. Usually 'caused by some incontinence, and once an infection (bladder or yeast) starts, the incontinence gets worse and worse.
I've been on way too many antibiotics, almost monthly. Same with the yeast infection stuff. I've been avoiding the antibiotics for two months so far - doing probiotic stuff as much as possible along with cranberry. That's helped, a lot, but it's not completely gone. I had to do yet another yeast infection treatment last week, although.
I've also been trying diet, exercise, and what ever I can think of or even find on the internet. Minor helps, but no cure.
It's hard, and I feel like I have no support. Other post-ops I ask don't seem to have these problems.
My GP won't do a thing, or even refer me. He says that I have to "live with it." I convinced him to do an ultra sound, but he claims he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He suggested some phsyo therapy that sorta indirectly might help, but it might not -- the cost is expensive, as it's not covered by health care. I can't afford it, especially if may or may not help.
I've gone from the very social girl who used to go out to clubs, out with friends, and do all kinds of activities, to sitting at home, depressed, too embarrassed to live life. I don't even work now.
I seemed to be getting neuro problems, which I thought would explain it -- but the neuro doc I saw said he doesn't think it's neuro, and that it's just from lots and lots of extreme depression... so bad that my nerves are shot and it's affecting my overall health in referred to a psychiatrist over this. At the moment I'm on a medication that's both a nerve calmer and mild anti-depressant. They're talking about putting me on some stronger anti-depressentans (so, I can feel happy in my own soiled pants).
I'm hoping they don't just commit me to the psych ward over it, 'cause just putting me on anti-depressants isn't going to help with the main issue, the 'cause of it -- the leaking.
Now, I'm broke (on disability), depressed, and having a difficult time. A lot of people know that I'm depressed, but don't know this is one of the major reasons.
If I'm just sitting, or not going out. I don't have much of a problem (sometimes small leaks). I can sleep and I don't even pee the bed. With the kegels, I can shoot ping-pong balls out of my vagina if I wanted. I can even use them if I sneeze or cough and prevent a major leak.
But walking, bending over, lifting anything -- no chance. I keep trying. I have to go through pads like mad, and it's difficult to keep up. I have to change my underwear several times a day. If I don't, then I can get an infection (bladder or yeast, or both) and it gets worse and worse.
It's been very difficult to work the last year -- I've even had to leave work 'cause I peed myself completely, I haven't been able to hold down a job at all due to this medical issue.
Peeing yourself at work is not only embarrassing, but hard to deal with. You can't excuse yourself to the bathroom every 10-15 mins to clean up, change, etc. So, you sit there with a wet pad, making things worse.
This issue has worn me down so badly that I don't think I can go on anymore. Being broke doesn't help, but trying to get a job in this economy and having to explain to your employer that you can't walk, move stuff, stand to long, etc, etc, is difficult and embarrassing. My last employer just kept cutting my hours until I had zero hours a week -- they can't fire me for being sick, but they sure can give me no working hours.
I've pensioned to the provincial health insurance for help. Apparently, they will send me to Dr. Brassard for this -- but, he has to send a letter in saying I need to see him.
I hope he does. I hope he gets back to me. He's been on vacation, and he's back now... I'm still waiting here. It's extremely hard. It's very depressing. I hope he just doesn't say do more exercises -- I've been doing them for a year!
Really, if this gets no where, I'm gone. I just can't live like this. It's torn me up way too much. I have a few friends who have been trying to convince me not to, for a long while now, but it's getting harder and harder.
The only thing I hate is when people assume I have SRS regret -- which I don't! That makes me so mad when people assume that. I love my vagina. I have no regrets getting SRS. I don't like the complication I have, but having SRS has made me feel complete in so many ways.
The one solace I have is that if I nix myself, I know that I'm complete and whole. I really don't think I can carry on with this complication. It's stopped my life in it's tracks so badly.
I've already been carefully working on writing a suicide note for when the time comes. I wanna word it carefully so I don't get used as some statistic by some anti-trans site, or have my family use that is proof for their anti-trans mind-sets. And, most importantly, scare people away from SRS. This isn't a problem that's common place. I also wanna mention I wanna be cremated, and to use my name -- not my old name -- at the funeral. I wanna have a last will printed up.
I know they wanna send me to the psych ward for the not idea, and the talk about suicide. (I have an appointment with a psych doc Sept 1st, but already tried to convince me to check myself in to the psych ward, although it won't actually help).
I only hope things can be fixed, so I can move on with life and be the happy girl I once was. More than anything, I just want that. I've been trying despite the problems, but it's just wearing me down too much. There's only so much a girl can take. I hope that it doesn't come down to suicide, but with the direction things are going it's going to happen if there's no fix.
I hope Dr. Brassard calls and has an answer. And I hope the provincial health care insurance can help me. When you're on disability making next to nothing, unable to work 'cause you're so f'd up, it's a difficult place to be in.
--natalie
