I've never posted this anywhere before, but it might be of interest in this particular forum.

I had transitioned in late June, but wasn't living at home for about three months.  I came home and was still sharing the flat with the wife for three months until she could move out. She didn't want me to be seen locally until she had left, so we agreed that she'd do all the shopping and I would stay in and cook and clean, only sneaking out at night occasionally to visit a friend or go to the nearest trans support group.

She left on the morning of December 22nd, before I was up and out of bed. I lay there for an hour, listening to the silence and knowing that I was now alone and will probably be so for the rest of my life.  Then I got up, shaved, dressed and made-up, including a truly appalling wig which was all I had at the time to cover my current crew cut.

At 2pm, I took a deep breath and walked out of the front door, knowing that in that moment, my life had permanently changed - that even if I later decided it was a mistake, now I would forever be "that weirdo who walked down the street in a dress.."

There are only two shops close to me and I was well-known in both: a chemists and a Co-Op (mini-market cum newsagents cum Post Office.)
I walked into the mini-market, went up to the Post Office window and bought some stamps, wandered down the aisles for a packet of biscuits and a loaf, and went to the counter to pay for them and get some cigs. 
Staff and customers were all clearly agog and totally unsure what to make of it - I don't think they knew if it was a joke, if I was on my way to a fancy dress party or WTF      
They treated me politely, though they were practically staring at me open mouthed.
I didn't offer any explanation, just paid, said thanks and left.
Went over the road to the Chemists and bought a couple of items , just so that I'd been there too. Similar reaction. 

- Then I walked the couple of hundred yards back home, passing a couple of local people who openly gawped at me in amazement. Got in the flat and literally collapsed into a chair shaking. It was a done-deal........ the jungle-drums would be pounding and by nightfall I knew that 90% of the village would have heard all about it. 

Later, when the Chinese take-away was open I went out again and down there for food.
Coming back in with it, I bumped into my downstairs neighbour who was just coming out to walk his dog.  I said "Hi David. Look....... R***** and I have split up and she's left. I'm a transsexual - I've been like this since I was 4 years old and I can't stand it any longer so I will be living out the remainder of my life as a female."
He shrugged his shoulders and said "Doesn't bother me, I've seen it all before" in a rather dismissive tone that seemed to somehow say "Yeah.....you're not the first pervert I've seen...."       (He soon became ok and is fine with me now)
Next day, I thought it only fair and right to knock on the doors of the couple of other neighbours in my block and say much the same thing to them. They said much the same thing as David. but without the slightly sneery undertone. One of them, the really gossipy one, asked me a couple of trans-questions and I answered them quite fully, knowing well that she would spread my replies about.
Next day I caught the bus for the two mile ride into our local town centre and went into a charity shop I've been buying women's clothes in for years, though I'd never "told them."  I said to the manager "Hi luv ....... well, I'm finally Out!" and she just smiled and said "Well.... you'll probably be much happier." ( I actually work there now because unprompted by me, they later ASKED me to!! - perfect for my RLE )
I walked down the main street and around town for a while window-shopping. Almost everyone who passed me gawped at me - To be fair, I did look like sh1t though...... that damned wig in particular was killing me.
Two days later, I caught a bus to another nearby town and bought a decent one, still synthetic hair but MUCH better and the improvement in peoples responses as I got the bus back was immediate.

And...... that was it !!!!    
After all the years of hiding and after the slowly mounting stress as the ex-wife's leaving date drew nearer and I knew that it would be time to pee or get of the pot..... that was IT...done.
I couldn't believe how easy it was! Well..... actually that's not quite right because walking out of my front door and down to the shop was one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life.  What I mean is, I couldn't believe how well it had gone - still can't really and it was 20 months ago.

One of the older ladies across the road knew my wife quite well, though we'd hardly ever spoken to each other.  She took a liking to the new me instantly and from almost the first day onward has always chatted whenever she saw me.
In fact....... after I'd been Out about three weeks, a bunch of scaffolders came to set things up so that local council workers could do the roofs on the nearby block. Of course, as builders do, they wolf-whistled at me and called stuff out.  Well I learned from somebody else that this old lady went flying out of her house once I'd gone past and gave them a right telling off! 
...... I mean...... how cool is that?   

I no longer drive so every journey starts with a ride on my local bus.  I made a decision: until my birthday in four months time, I would sit on the raised-up side-seats at the front of the bus It let EVERYONE stare and study me as much as they liked without even having to turn their heads and I made a point of traveling at different times where possible so that a wider cross section of people would see me.
- I figured that everyone needs a certain amount of Gawp Time and that the sooner they'd all had it and muttered stuff to each other, the sooner it would be over and I could be just-another-local-resident.   

Of course, I still had the local kids to deal with, but it wasn't too bad. I just walked up to a gang of about a dozen who were whistling and cat-calling (...."hey up....he's coming over!...."   ) said "Hi" and just stood there in front of them.
One said "Hi - what do you want?"
I said "Well...... everybody wants to stare at The Freak, so here I am - get your staring done, all you want." 
He said "Can I ask you one thing ..... WHY do you do it?"
..... so of course, I briefly told him - and therefore the others too - the basic facts about transsexuality.
I also said "Look...... I didn't ask or choose to be like this and I HATED myself for years.... decades...... with a passion that you can't even imagine.  You can carry on wolf-whistling and shouting your silly crap if you want to, but you're just wasting your breath. You cannot possibly hurt me, you cannot possibly call me anything that's as bad as the stuff I've called myself over the years - and I know exactly where all the really painful spots are. I'm long past caring what other people think. I'm actually a nice and caring person so whilst I don't expect you to ever be my friend, it would be much better all round if you just treat me with a bit of common courtesy." 

...... and by and large, that sorted ALL of them out.  Occasionally one or two will whistle or shout something but it's very rare indeed now and the majority of them say Hi when they pass or give me a small smile. True, they also hit on me for cigs from time to time "..... Steph...... can you spare us a cig, just one cig so we can roll a joint?" but that's a small price to pay.  If they have mates around from out of the area they save face and keep their distance more, but even those "new" kids don't shout stuff ..... or if they do as I'm on my way into the shop, while I'm in there, the locals obviously tell them "Lay off, she's o.k. really...." 'cos when I come out again there's no more abuse. 

The teenage girls who hang out with those boys often chat to me, come over to show me their new shoes or to say they like mine and stuff.
Hah...... one of them asked me if I had periods! ... how naive can you get??? .... and then went on to say how she wished she didn't and complain about her cramps. I asked her if she had mood swings, flushes, water retention and finished up with three of them talking about it and what they hated most!    

When I walked out of that door that first time, I EXPECTED to be walking into a life where I would be shunned and ridiculed frequently and forever.
Perhaps I got lucky, but I never in my wildest dreams thought it would be as easy as it has been. Maybe I'd built up such a terrible fear inside myself that reality would be hard-pressed to live up to it    

So......  all you who are hesitating and worrying about it ...... it's not an easy road and you will have some hurdles to jump and some other ongoing problems just as I have.
But when you finally do have to grasp the nettle, it might well not be AS bad as you think.   Good luck when you do.          Steph

Hi Steffi,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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That first time out in the cold, cruel world is the worst.  But you weathered the storm and came out on the worst for wear.  And I gather from the way you write, you're in England, or close enough.  I won't hold it against you,  one of my 'sisters' here happens to be in London.  And a good wig changes everything.

Blessed Be.
Janet

hi Steffi. Thanks for that inspiring moment. happy for you!

Welcome Steph,

WOW! What a really cool story. You seem to have a great attitude about yourself. Perhaps someday, I'll take your story and make it mine (shudder). I may be a little too introverted though. I can at least relate to the self hatred and calling myself things far worse than a normal sane person could muster.

Thanks for the smiles, 

Deanna

Quote from: Janet LynnThat first time out in the cold, cruel world is the worst.  But you weathered the storm and came out on the worst for wear.  And I gather from the way you write, you're in England, or close enough.  I won't hold it against you,  one of my 'sisters' here happens to be in London.  And a good wig changes everything.

LOL - yes, I'm in the U.K.
btw, My sister is 9 years my junior and emigrated to Huntington Beach California 15 years ago.

I've had shoulder-length hair since I was 13 and over the last 40 years played lead guitar in bands.  I've had a few Perms along the way - free too as my Mum was a hairdresser until she married. 
But I had a lung collapse a couple of years ago and they couldn't do it by keyhole, so I finished up with a 12 inch curved incision on my back where my ribs were jacked apart so they could fix it before putting about 30 staples in.
There was no way that I wanted to be raising my arms above my head and messing about with long hair during recovery, so I got my pal to bring his buzz-cutter down to the ward the day before surgery and bone-dome me.

....... after all these years of wrestling with hair, I was delighted by how easy it made life to have an almost shaven head and since I hated the mid-length growth period, I just kept buzz-cutting it again that year.
Hence when I transitioned, for the first time in my life I DIDN'T have hair!
....... doesn't the irony of life suck sometimes?   

I endured the new wig for 7 months, by which time the summer heat was killing me and my own hair was two and a half inches long, so I had a curly perm done at home and ditched the wig.
Now it's grown back to shoulder length and on Wednesday I go for my first ever hairdo in a girly salon, cut/style and perm.        
(.....Jeez....... I used to buy cars for what it's going to cost me!  Women sure get ripped off when it comes to beauty stuff!)

But yeah....... if you've got male hair, then getting the RIGHT wig for yourself is about the most crucial thing you can do.

When I said that I only had " a truly appalling wig" I really meant what I said - it cost me about 8 dollars from a joke shop and I'd bought it only to wear with a French-Maid's outfit when my band played a Rocky Horror night a few years before   
Once I started wearing the crew-cut, I thought "Sod it ..... no one at all ever sees me dressed and I rarely do it any more so I can't justify spending a couple of hundred dollars I don't have on a wig so I'll just wear that crap one."
How I had the guts to walk out into the street in it, I can't now understand ....... but when the time came to transition, I WAS gonna do it, come what may and that was all I had.
Jeez..... it was jet black and my natural colour is fair/light brown so it was never ever going to "work" 
When I bought the decent one, I found a shop that had fitting rooms in the back and didn't mind that I was trans, made arrangements by phone and then spent two hours looking through catalogues and then trying on 25++ wigs till the assistant and I had narrowed it down to three that actually suited my colour and face-shape.
Like I said, the difference on the journey back was 20 times better than the journey down and that was the moment when I realised that despite my height, build and many other problems, my future life just might not be as awful as I'd expected.

Number 1 advice for anyone with male hair HAS to be- Make sure that you buy the RIGHT wig! 

Deanna_Renee ...... I might sound a bit extrovert in the above post, but I'm a dyed-in-the-wool introvert.
I HAD literally come to the final breaking point - the week before transition I had been calmly and methodically putting my affairs in order before suicide.
I was going to buy a couple of grams of heroin (which I don't use), jack it straight into a vein and Exit peacefully, with no note and therefore a good chance that it would go down as Accidental Overdose and spare friends and family the wondering if they could/should have somehow helped me to prevent suicide.

My shame, self disgust and perception that transition simply was not ever possible for me made me run the thing right down to the wire!  It's a mere chance that I am still here today and that's really why I made the original post above - to say to people like yourself :- Don't wait until you've painted yourself into that same tight corner - this Thing that we suffer WILL win in the end and transition really might not be half as bad as you think it's going to be..........