So, I told my parents that I'm trans a few weeks ago. They know that I want to start T, change my name, get surgries, est est. They have told me that they love and accept me, no matter what. My mom shows me magazine articles and internet stuff now about ftm stuff(it's her way of trying to connect, I suppose).

But my parents just don't seem to actually get it. I think they think it's a phase. If this is a phase, it it sure is a long and drawn out phase, seeing as all my weird emotions and crap started around age 6-ish.
The thing is my mom is relentless...calling me her "little girl". Saying things like "You're so pretty...you should let me put some makeup on you."...Whenever I do anything good, she says, "That's my girl."....We have a new kitten, and when it gets all lovey on me, my mom says, "Aw, he loves his mommy"
IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE! I delt with it before they knew, but I keep waiting for her to stop now that she knows. For the first few days after I told her, she would say things like that and cringe. Now that it's been a few weeks, it's like she's totally forgotten everything.

My dad isn't as bad. He's never been that sort of person, but when we talk about me being trans, he says crap like "Even if you don't like it, you're very much a woman"......Smacking my dad gets me no where, so I don't do it, but damn it I want to sometimes....

My mom also says other things that piss me off really bad...Like "I think all women have those thoughts sometimes..."...."I know you think it's 'cool' to be a guy...but you're my little girl"....The hell? No, these aren't thoughts all women have. Maybe some. Not like me though. Oh, and yeah, I think it's very cool to be a guy, because I've always been one(mentally). I think it's awesome. The idea of being a girl is just...weird to me. 

I've been so confused for a long time, but I actually know who I am now. Since I started studying ftm stuff, making plans, living as a guy on the internet, and actually making friends as who I really am, I've been so damn happy. I know who I am, I love who I am. The image in the mirror may not be what I want it to be, but I can try my damn hardest to change that. It's just that, for the first time in my life, I'm not confused. No, I don't think my parents will change overnight. No, I don't think they'll be able to fully grasp the situation unless I start therapy or something, but I just..want them to at least try.

What do I do? What can I say? How the hell am I supposed to tell my mom, "Hey, sorry. I'm not your little girl. Everything you've ever known about me has been a lie and I'd like for you to call me by guy stuff from now on.." I mean...yes, that's what I was basically saying when I came out to them. Yes, that's what I want...but I've had a lifetime of sitting around, knowing that it felt wrong when she called me her little girl. I've had a long time to think about who I am. Hell, even now, I've known for more than a year that I'm trans and want to start everything...but my mom hasn't had that long.

It's just getting to the point where I'm getting really depressed again. I'm starting to just break down into tears after almost every conversation with her. There have been days where I've packed my bags and just wanted to walk out, but I have no where to go. I can't take much more of it.


Anyway, sorry for saying so much. Thanks for listening. Sorry for any errors. x_x

I can connect completely.  I didn't think anyone had experienced exactly this with their parents.  However, it is a little different with my parents - there's no talk of makeup or female clothing anymore, but they learned to deal with that a few years ago, so I think it's basically engraved in their minds.  But it does take a while.

I have geese, and my mother always says "go to mommy", to them, referring to me.  It has always bothered me, to the point that I've sometimes lashed out and went, "I am not a mother."  I've told her this - that I want to be a father, not a mother.  She understands I feel this way, but I suppose she hasn't given up the titles.  And my father irritates me a lot.  Sometimes if I decide to talk openly about my body dysphoria, he'll go so far as to say, "Oh, well, women have been socialized to hate their bodies."  I want to slap him for it.  I hate when they associate me with "women" as if I am "one of them", which I thought I clearly told them I was not in coming out.  It's funny, because if I am with an FTM friend of mine, it's all male pronouns and respect for me.  When we leave, immediately, it's right back to how it was before.   

I really understand, and I don't think it's a matter of a lack of respect, but instead that it simply hasn't "sunk in".  When they say things like "you're so pretty, I should put makeup on you" that is clearly disrespectful, whether or not it's meant to be.  Tell them how you feel.  I'm sure, because they love you and said they would always support you, they will do anything to make sure you are comfortable.  But it may take some time.

Also, although you already addressed it, find a good therapist.  They'll see your family members, too, most likely.  It can be exceptionally helpful and important.  Plus, it will get you closer to your goal.  (Assuming it is physically transitioning).

It's their way of dealing with it and maybe subconsiously trying to encourage your 'feminine side' and hoping you'll ultimately change your mind or outgrow your 'phase.'

All you can do is just ask them, politely, to stop, that it hurts you when they do that.  Or, they just may be obtuse and not realize what they're doing; it's habit.


Jay

my mom did similar things.  i told her that i was trans about a month before i started to physically transition and in that month i heard some of the most feminine things (referring to me) fly out of her mouth.  idk exactly how your moms brain works, but heres what helped me.

ME: "mom, can i have money for a haircut?"
MOM: "why?  i thought you wanted to grow it out?"
ME: "mom, think about this before you say anything else.  are you serious about that question?  because i think youre fishing on the wrong side of the boat"

she never did give me money for a haircut, so i used my own.  she then proceeded to ask me why i cut it. >_<

we had a similar conversation the next day, just replace haircut with clothes.  she did give me money for that though, i think i got my point across that i was serious.

(dont flame me about my parents paying for my stuff, they didnt want me working during school and i was financially dependent on them)

I think this happens to a lot of people.  My mom & step-dad are supportive and accept me, but don't really understand it.  I think my mom thought it was a phase as well, because she didn't tell me that she wasn't cool with the name I had been going by for a while until I actually went on T and she realized I was going through with it.  She continued calling me her daughter and telling me a lot of the same things your parents told you, but over time she's gotten better, and I think it helps now that she sees me actually taking steps to transition rather than just talking about it.  She calls me Jace most of the time now, although sometimes she'll slip up.  My step-dad refuses to call me Jace, but knows that calling me my female name makes me uncomfortable, so just calls me JD (my initials).  It took time to get to there though.  Just give them time, and bring it up occasionally if it's not getting any better.

Quote from: sneakersjay on August 17, 2009, 08:00:54 PM
All you can do is just ask them, politely, to stop, that it hurts you when they do that.  Or, they just may be obtuse and not realize what they're doing; it's habit.

^ this. One of those times when you just want to cry, after a conversation, go cry with her. Give her the chance to understand how much it hurts you. Remind them, constantly if you need to. Do what it takes to show them you're serious, and then give them time. Even if they're 100% accepting and supportive, that's a lot of years of habit to break.

I think parents have a really hard time changing the way they see their children.  If you think about how hard it is for them to adjust to their children being adults - something that all children become, and that they are fully expecting - well, something like, "my little girl has grown up to be a man" is that much harder.

After a couple long conversations and a heart-felt exchange of letters my mom finally accepted that this was something I needed to do, and suggested that we meet for a nice dinner celebrating my new life.  And what's the first thing out of her mouth at this celebration?  "That's a pretty shirt you're wearing."    Followed shortly by a question about whether I was still on the pill for my acne (which was starting to flair up again.). 

Honestly, I couldn't help but think, "How can she be so cool and so clueless at the same time?"

I think they're just going through a period of denial, and coming to terms with it all.

It seems an increase in female term usage is a common thing to happen around the time of coming out.

I think perhaps it's their way of affirming a shaken core belief to themselves more than it is directly aimed at us.

Sometimes, their female term usage is just them trying to "turn back the clock" and go back to a time when "everything was fine". Just like one of those "Rock Legends of the 70's" cd's you inevitably find in $5 discount bins and baby boomer cd collections everywhere  .

My mother gave me the "I'll love you either way" line also. What wasn't mentioned was the 2 weeks of solid crying she did afterwards.

It takes time. Time to come to terms with it, and time to adjust. For us, it's such a joyous time full of relief it can be hard to image how anyone could possibly be upset by it - but they are.

Parents have a future imagined for us the moment we're born. It's usually their "ideal" future, with a few slight changes as we age and start to develop personalities of our own. When we do something that makes that future an impossibility, sometimes they can feel as though we are taking away "their future" - usually expressed in the thought of ruining "our chance" at being happy (when it fact it would only ruin their chance at being happy if they were in our position).

They mean well, but often they don't understand what's going through their minds regarding why they feel the way they do because they haven't had the time or reason to reflect on themselves.

Also - you have to keep in mind that they understand what it's like to be trans about as much (maybe less ) than we understand what it's like to be cisgendered.

Coming out creates a huge rift whether we like it or not. Even if we do all we can to be open and approachable about it, we still can't control what goes through the minds of other people. The best we can do is try to mend that rift as quickly as possible and create an even stronger bond between our true selves and our loved one than what was there prior.

They'll come to terms with it eventually. They've already said they'll support you either way - they just left off the bit that goes "...once I come to terms with it because dispite what I want and intend to do, my emotions are all over the shop right now and I'm in shock".

Thanks so much yall. It really helps to know I'm not alone on this and that others have gone through it before.

It sucks and I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll find some way to talk to my mom about this..
I really just can't understand why my parents are being this way. When I came out, they had this sort of "AH-HA! I KNEW IT!" reaction...Since I was about 14, they've been trying to get me to come out or trip up and admit that I'm a lesbian...but I'm not, so their tricks never worked.

I think I'll write another letter to my mom...It's way too hard for me to bring up this sort of thing to her. (When I gave her my coming out letter...I stood at the edge of her bed for 10 minutes talking to her until she said, "Hey whats that?" I threw it at her and ran to my room so I could hide...) I'll find a way to get it out..Thanks again yall!

I guess I'm lucky, my mother lost all hope that I would get married and be a "normal woman" when I was 13 or 14.  She and I were speaking, and she said, "Yes, I know you won't have children.  You can be a hermit if you like."     I think I was ranting about how bad an insidious relationships were, but it all stemmed from my insecurities related to my gender, of course.  But she always knew I was different.  She just saw that I was an eccentric, (which I am) like Albert Einstein (minus the genius).  She is a fan of eccentrics so was always glad to accept me for that.

I think, however, that most parents want a normal, comfortable and stereotypical lives for their children.  After all, they were raised to believe that is the best life a person can have.

With some time, they'll change their ideals and... just switch them around to the male side. 

My parents are the same way. It bothers me too but I just accept it because I know theyre not going to think of me as a boy at all until I start transistion. All parents are like that in some way.

And just wait until they start with the "I'm okay, I'm cool with you being trans.  But you aren't going to DO anything, are you?!"



Jay

when i came out i got the "but you're too pretty to be a guy" and what seemed like a lot of she/her/girl/mom (for the dog). seriously, more "come on girl; you go girl; yeah girl" than i have ever heard my mom say.

and the kicker is recently when i said i should go to the doctor, i got "before you go, you should probably shave your legs" what?!

but she's also said things like "daughter...son....whatever" (not exactly nice, but seems like she's trying). i don't mind because i haven't asked her to use different pronouns, so i can't get too ticked at the whole thing. and just today (i wrote the rest of this yesterday) i was saying something about deciding whether to transition, and she said "why not just say you're going to do it for now and see how it goes?" whoa.