I went through the process of therapy to get my letters and approval for surgery.  However, as I recall, most of the discussion centered on dealing with my family and their very negative reaction to my condition.  Very little about being trans or gender identity was discussed.  I'm not saying that I needed that aspect of it, I had already been convinced that I was trans long before I went to a therapist.  In fact, by the time I finished I saw four gender therapists.

My family situation has just become as bad as the darkest days pre-transition and I am looking for ways to cope. Of course, I thought about seeing my therapist again but I realized that it is the same old song, next verse.  The advice would be as before, I must find a way to leave my family who cannot love me.

I wonder if it this is a typical experience.  Are most therapy sessions to help us cope with the searing pain caused by family members?

Maggie

Yes, Maggie.

A therapist can make suggestions about how one might wish to lead her life in order to find more comfort in it. There are interventions that may be used by a therapist with a cooperative client that would tend to help that client better handle the depression, anxiety, and panic that could arise as a result of an abusive or emotionally and mentally extremely negative reaction to him or her "changing sex."

However, the therapist cannot force the client to take suggestions, nor enforce a acceptance on the family of the transitioner. If the client's unwilling to accept the advice and suggestion and the searing pain is not life-threatening to either a child or an elder the therapist cannot contact lae-enforcement or in any other way help the client.

Therapy is always a two-way street with the client more on the hook to effect a meaningful change in circumstances than is the therapist.

The talking and brainstorming solutions and new ways of handling the difficulty is about the best the therapist can do. The rest is on the shoulders of her client.

In the case of a diagnostic decision the therapist will listen to the client, make her notes and judeg accroding to the standards prescribed whether or not the client meets the criteria for "GID." Write letters to the appropriate doctors and surgeons and generally guide the client, with the client's willingness, through the process of transition.

Basically, though, the very nature of GID makes it a self-diagnosed condition. The therapist will confirm or not the thoughts of the client, generally, again, being able to suggest interventions that may assist the client in making the transition smoother.

That was pretty much the experience I had as well, Maggie.

There is no objective test for being trans.  You are because you say you are.

From there the therapist will confirm your feelings based on their observation according to standards, but that is pretty much it.  After that it is "Ok, you are trans.  What can you do about it?  How can you deal with life?"  They may make suggestions about dealing with family and friends, but to my mind there isn't a great deal of trans based discussions as much as learning do deal with life.

-Sandy

I certainly agree with what has been posted so far

I was "In" therapy for a little over two years myself, and I was fortunate enough to have a "Gender" therapist who has had several papers published regarding therapy for folks with Gender issues – us guys .

Basically my monthly sessions were cozy comfortable chats and while I didn't lay on a couch I was afforded a massive arm chair which fairly swallowed me whole   Yep our sessions were very good.

She always started with "So, how have you been since we last met?" (She never used the word "Session") and I would ramble on.  She would interject when she felt the need with remarks such as "How did that make you feel?" "Have you considered options?" "What do you want people to do?" "Do you think you will have a problem?" etc.  She never gave me the answer, she needed me to do that, and she would move the session along that way for the hour or so that I was there.

What I really liked was the way she was able to get me to come up with the solutions, the answers, she really never advised me or instructed to do anything.  Very clever!

I know I always felt great, uplifted, strengthened after a session.

-={LR}=-

Being trans, going through transition, deciding how to change the body, and dealing with its effect on job, family and friends, these are life decisions that we all need counsel about.
This is not an easy thing to do folks.  I have seen trans people move ahead too quickly and it have devastating results for them.  I have seen 3 of my friends commit suicide because they could not live with their lives after transition.
This is a big deal.  It is wise to seek therapy before, during, and after transition.

I walked into therapy, presenting decidedly male, with a well known gender therapist and said I was there to keep peace in the family.  She asked a few questions and I gave her a brief history of my gender feelings.  About half way through she asked about transitioning.  I said "NO WAY!!!"

In the following sessions we talked about everything under the sun but she kept asking bout transitioning and I kept saying NO WAY!  And I kept presenting as male.  Then one session I was curious how she'd react if I came as Julie so I got all dolled up and saw her.  About half way through she asked if I was Jim or Julie.  It hit me hard and I started crying. I answered "Julie".

After that the walls began crumbling.  The rest is history.

Julie

"After that the walls began crumbling.  The rest is history."

What a sweet story!

I've been seeing a gender therapist and know that if I'd not done that, I would end up hospitalized or  - dead.

Since our first session, I've seen things in a whole new light - Eventually I can be who I'm supposed to be and my therapist will help me with that, even though it my take longer than I'd like.

Being married with kids and in my late forties, I've waited a lifetime to be ME, so, as my therapist puts it, "why should I rush through the changes I want to make."

I know that if I'd had the courage to seek help from an actual gender therapist (rather than the half-dozen other therapists I've seen in the last 20+ years) 20 years ago, I would have had the courage to take the steps I need to take in order to be "complete", and would not eventually (possibly) be hurting a number of people - including my SO and my kids.

Do I want to make the changes necessary tomorrow - YES! - But I now know that a gradual, calculated, slow transition in which I'm educated and I can educate my family and loved ones is the best route.  Even if they don't want to accept the new me, I'll know and feel comfortable with giving them all of the information they need to make their decisions.

I know that I'll loose friends and possibly family, but, after all of these years of hiding my "true" self, I believe I will be comfortable with that.

So, yes, having a gender therapist is a great thing – not just for letters for hormones or for surgery, but for all of the other issues that can arise from us being transgendered.

Steph 

I suppose what I was surprised the most about therapy was the amount of time needed to deal with others who abused me because I am trans.  It seemed odd because it dealt with external issues not my internal gender identity.  I didn't really need to discuss transitioning much.  Much of the discussions were identical to a battered woman seeking help to cope with being abused.  I wondered if this is a common theme in gender therapy and now I understand that it is.  Thanks to all who responded.

Maggie

Difficulty, Maggie, is generally an internal thing. If one has difficulty with his or her sex/gender then that's problematic in other areas of one's life and self as well.

If one has difficulties with those she or he chooses to give her heart to then that becomes internal and causes most of the same problems.

Therapy is usually abour learning ways to cope effectively with the problems one has both internally and externally in one's life that makes internal problems dominate one in a fashion that tends to bring pain, frustration and more than needed attention to the internal problems.

I think a transition and often enough it's aftermath certainly qualify as candidates for the work of therapists.

Maggie-  I was abused by my Mother, and that made it that much more difficult to deal with because most people think boys that are abused are only abused by a male relative.  It was tough to work through.  And I was not able to do it until my Mother died.
So I understand your pain, however your abuse occured.  It is tough to get out and tough to process.  But due to some good therapy I am healthy and very thankful to the process.
Viva la therapy!!!

Quote from: Virginia87106 on August 21, 2009, 02:44:10 PM
Being trans, going through transition, deciding how to change the body, and dealing with its effect on job, family and friends, these are life decisions that we all need counsel about.
This is not an easy thing to do folks.  I have seen trans people move ahead too quickly and it have devastating results for them.  I have seen 3 of my friends commit suicide because they could not live with their lives after transition.
This is a big deal.  It is wise to seek therapy before, during, and after transition.

Perhaps you didn't intend it this way, but the way I read your comment the women committed suicide because they couldn't adjust to being women – they didn't make the psychological adjustment.  Perhaps it was that they got read once too often, that their past came up once too often, that they couldn't quite feel wholly women.

My transition has gone amazingly smoothly, but I've hit a speed bump in that it is beginning to bother me that I will never be wholly a woman.  I have a lot of suppressed anger coming out, and I think it is from the fact that I was never a girl or a young woman and probably will never be regarded as a "real woman" by everyone (including myself). 

I've never been suicidal but sometimes feel I can understand what drives others to it.  I will adjust to my situation during the weeks and months ahead just as I've adjusted to bunches of other things through my life.  But it occurred to me that the suicides may not be because the women didn't quite make it but because they realized they never would make it – that for some of us this is an impossible dream.

Therapy is a way to help us accept those things that cannot be changed, things like those parts of our pasts that affect us deeply.  Therapy helps us go forward from where we are instead of where we wish we were.

- Kate

Lots of good responses to the original post here. I agree with many of them. Good therapy is definitely about treating your whole life, and not just your gender issues. I sometimes wonder why it took the gender stuff to drive me to a therapist in the first place, as it's certainly far from the only thing I've worked through there.

But I would like to add a note I think others are brushing past. It's one of the less comfortable purposes of transsexual therapy. And that is to sort out true transsexuals from others who claim to be but aren't.

This is an area of therapy that tends to piss transsexuals off, because it's hard enough to have the courage to come out in the first place, let alone have your legitimacy questioned after the fact. And it's certainly an area that opens up certain therapists to control-freak behaviors which sometimes make things worse. But... it's there for a reason.

And the reason is while there is such a thing as transsexualism there are also some people who claim to be transsexual when they're not. And you can mess up a life all sorts of ways by changing gender and then deciding you never really wanted that in the first place after the fact. Those always seem to be the cases most trumpeted by the media to throw doubt upon real transsexualism as well.

And so... some of therapy, especially the very initial stuff, tends to include some kind of "sorting out" stuff to see if you're transsexual or perhaps something else.

My own therapy had very, very little of this. But reading the experiences of others it's a pretty common theme. In some especially bad cases it seems to be THE main theme.

Quote from: K8 on August 22, 2009, 07:51:05 AM

I have a lot of suppressed anger coming out, and I think it is from the fact that I was never a girl or a young woman and probably will never be regarded as a "real woman" by everyone (including myself). 

- Kate

Kate:

A lot of us, if not most of us have issues of missed opportunities.  We'll never be little girls, young women, or have a mother-daughter relationship.  We'll never have the fulfillment of maternity.

There are many women, who for one reason or another, can never have children.  You and I are in that group.  We cope.  We have to, we have no choice.  The same is true for never growing up as female.  We not only have to cope, we have to hit the bricks running to learn all the things girls and young women take years to learn, like about fashion, makeup, and *boys*  (or relationships in general as a woman).

But that does NOT invalidate you as a woman!  You are as real a woman as any woman who cannot have children!  You are a woman who had to endure a heart wrenching birth defect that has taken years to diagnose.  This undiagnosed condition KILLS, having GID can be terminal.  You are overcoming it.  Quite well I might add!

Others can and will think whatever they want.  Do not trouble yourself with them.

But please don't ever think that you aren't a "real" woman.  You are very REAL!

***HUGS!!***

-Sandy

Quote from: Julie Marie on August 21, 2009, 03:57:08 PM
I walked into therapy, presenting decidedly male, with a well known gender therapist and said I was there to keep peace in the family.  She asked a few questions and I gave her a brief history of my gender feelings.  About half way through she asked about transitioning.  I said "NO WAY!!!"

In the following sessions we talked about everything under the sun but she kept asking bout transitioning and I kept saying NO WAY!  And I kept presenting as male.  Then one session I was curious how she'd react if I came as Julie so I got all dolled up and saw her.  About half way through she asked if I was Jim or Julie.  It hit me hard and I started crying. I answered "Julie".

After that the walls began crumbling.  The rest is history.

Julie

My approach has been similar to Julie's, with a well known UK therapist. She has not pushed the transition question as such though, and the only "blind side" question she pulled on me, was asking me what name I wanted to be called by at the end of my 3rd session.... I hesitated but answered "Chrissty" (up to that point she had been using my male name).

All our meetings to date have been focussed on my feelings, trying discover more about who I am to help me understand my past, and what path I ultimately need to take. We have only talked about how to deal with coming out as a side issue when it seems appropriate so far.

Six months in, she has advised me that I would get a positive recommendation for HRT if I asked, but I think she also knows that I am not ready to ask yet. 

I have been tempted to turn up to sessions as Chrissty, but the distance to the clinic and last minute work commitments have prevented it so far.

From what Julie says, I do worry that I may loose control when I finally do make it.....


Chrissty

I have told this story many times.  I originally went to my therapist to stop the feelings.  He said that want might work is to go to a TS/TG meeting once a month.  But I knew that my ex would never go for it.  When I decide to "just go for it", I when back to him.  When I asked if he remembered me, his response was "Yes, I do and I knew you would be back.  You definitely Transsexual."  Go figure.

Janet

At the end of my very first session with my very first therapist, she asked what I wanted to be called.

I thought she asked if it was alright to call my house.  I was bewildered because we had covered that in the introductions and forms.

When she clarified herself, I said, "Sandy".

"Alright, Sandy, from now on, whenever you come to my office you will be called that."

I broke down crying before I even knew what happened or had a chance to control myself.  A dam inside me had burst that I could not hold back.  I sobbed "No one has ever asked me that."

She hugged me and said she had just been introduced to a wonderful lady, named Sandy.  That was what I call my christening and I never looked back, nor ever wanted any other name.  From that moment on, my male name was dead to me.

As Julie said, the rest is history.

-Sandy

I guess I'll contribute.

Theraphy for me is so much more then working out my gender issues. It's more about working out other people's issues with my gender!

By that, I mean, sure, I know what gender I am, and I know what I want to do. But we need to prepare ourselves, ask ourselves not only am I prepared to deal with this, but am I prepared to have other people deal with this.

It's also a wonderful place to vent years of horrible suppressed things. Sometimes I randomly burst into tears. I feel a lot better, though, now that I've said some of that out loud.

Quote from: Julie Marie on August 21, 2009, 03:57:08 PM
I walked into therapy, presenting decidedly male, with a well known gender therapist and said I was there to keep peace in the family.  She asked a few questions and I gave her a brief history of my gender feelings.  About half way through she asked about transitioning.  I said "NO WAY!!!"

In the following sessions we talked about everything under the sun but she kept asking bout transitioning and I kept saying NO WAY!  And I kept presenting as male.  Then one session I was curious how she'd react if I came as Julie so I got all dolled up and saw her.  About half way through she asked if I was Jim or Julie.  It hit me hard and I started crying. I answered "Julie".

After that the walls began crumbling.  The rest is history.

Julie

Wow thanks for sharing that Julie. I myself when I first started exploring, I kept telling myself and everyone around me that I would never transition. I was just a crossdresser. Let's just say I was in self-denial and somebody called me on it and I finally realized it. I'm still pre HRT working on getting a different therapist though.

(Ancient history perspective  )

Back in about 1972 I had already been on hormones for awhile but SRS seemed impossible - there was just nobody doing it (for less than a small fortune!) - but the kindly gynaecologist who looked after my medication suggested a 'psychiatric evaluation' since that would probably be required if we found a surgeon so we did that. I was evaluated by the whole @$#% psychiatric department LOL! They had never seen anyone like me before but I was already so far gone that they offered their support in whatever I wanted to do. They concluded I was "remarkably sane under the circumstances"  The objective in those days was t determine that you were "sane" enough to make such a major decision - they assumed that if you had come that far that you WERE TS - for most of us then, it was bloody obvious!

I didn't seek any counselling for three decades afterwards, when I went for a completely different reason. Didn't think I needed it - I was fine. But there were fringe benefits that I had never expected.

My psychologist was VERY good and quickly picked up on childhood abuse, subtle self-esteem issues, and a couple of other things that I wasn't even aware of. The net result was quite a positive change in my life and I am glad I went. I sort of wish I had gone many years ago, but who'd'a thunk .....