(This is more of an emotional rant than anything serious...just need to get it out to someone who will not look at me like I'm a freak. It's kind of long and drawn out, so I won't feel too bad if you just move on.)

A lot of you seem to just "know" that you are supposed to be male/female, but I just don't really know. I never had a pressing need to become a female, and the only reason I began to question it was that after a very traumatic sexual encounter, I realized that I don't have a "male" outlook at all. I have never met a male that has put up with really horrible sex, just because maybe the guy would cuddle with you in the end. Even very "manly" butch lesbians I have met who would definitely mess you up in a fight express a deep emotional pain in having any forced sexual contact from men (I had a friend talk to me about this) that even very feminine guys don't seem to have. My loving capacity is most definitely that of a women, of this I'm sure. I love more deeply and sincerely than any man ever could (at least that I've met), and I have a very strong motherly instinct when it comes to children. On the inside, I feel totally "woman". But I just don't have any real desire to "womanize" the outside. I don't seem to have the same desire for femininity that many MTF woman have, I really am not overly feminine. Maybe I'm meant to be a man on the outside but a woman on the inside? I have never felt like a man...but I can't imagine being considered a woman entirely. My greatest desire to be a woman is a greater sense of equality in the relationship (I would always feel equal, but my partner and society may not see it that way), and to be honest if I met a man like me I would think they were just incredibly manipulative and just trying to get in my pants and dominate and degrade (like they always do). Did you all have to adjust to the idea of being the opposite biological gender of your birth? And I've always jumped to conclusions way to quickly. I decided I was a "gay man" after I fell in love with my first, Alex, and due to people criticizing me and telling me  I wasn't that way I stuck to the label of "gay man" because I didn't want them to say I told you so. I get this feeling this is just my own little way of coming to terms with "being straight" so that I don't have to have people tell me "I told you so", not to mention I've been doing a lot of psychedelic drugs lately that maybe are influencing this whole mess. Not knowing where I belong (at least to  myself...->-bleeped-<- society's perspective) is very hard...I've never really had a sense of belonging anywhere, and it really wear's on you. Androgyne just sounds too damn alien to me, and people don't really get it when you explain it ("So you're a hermaphrodite?"). I can't imagine ever feeling at home in a M2F body, because I have too many features that just aren't womanly to me. I have man feet, man skin, man hair, my voice is too deep (and I don't want it to be too feminine), and I'm just too damn broad-shouldered. I can't imagine many lesbians wanting to have sex with a "mangina". I want to "feel" more womanly...estrogen treatment sounds appealing, and maybe that would make me be more comfortable transitioning woman, as I become more feminine? It seems to me (just my point of view), most trans-woman don't seem to have as hard of a time identifying as woman, because they go for a very feminine look. I want to go for a more gender-neutral look. And I don't like long hair, or any more makeup than simple eyeliner. This all seems incredibly cruel to me...a fairly masculine looking man who wants to be a women, but a masculine-leaning women, so he has no way to hide his manness. Thank god I'm moving up to Seattle in a week, maybe then I can just start experimenting. But as I recall someone's signature saying (that's what it is called, right?), "Pre-OP, Pre-HRT MTF...also known as Stuck-in-Here".

Anyways, thanks for listening.
Samantha (formerly known as Christian).

Hi Samantha,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Blessed Be.
Janet

Hi Bigrift.

Part of your post stuck out at me. Please know that rape has nothing to do with one's gender identity. Trauma over a rape is not gendered. Sexual assault can have a dramatic effect on a person and may lead to identity crisis. If you haven't seen someone and gotten therapy for your assault, please do so. We're here for you as well. Hang in there. <big nero hug>

Hi Bigrift,

I suppose the best thing first is to get counselling to try and sort out your feelings about yourself. The Transgender spectrum of gender dysphoria is broad. It affects people in many ways from mild to extreme dysphoria. This means some people are happy in their lives by just adjusting the way they dress and express there selves to those like myself that nothing short of complete transition will suffice.

It seems to me that you may have a mild form of gender identity unhappiness. Dysphoria does mean unhappiness from the original Greek so its gender unhappiness.

take care and a big hug

Stardust

Hi Samatha,

Just as a "lot" of folk have found their path and are moving on, there are still a bunch of us struggling to find themselves and trying to keep families together etc...So you might need to join the queue if you are waiting for the "Stuck-in-Here" label..

If you want a freak, why would a happily married guy of 50 with 2 children and a good management job suddenly decide he was really a woman inside..? 

OOOps..sorry but that's my burden...

We are all different here so we try not to judge others on their appearance or issues.

Like Nero and Stardust, I'm worried that you may be suffering from post traumatic stress after your incident.

I would strongly also advise you seek a little one-on-one counselling over this before you take this any further, and yes the drugs are probably not helping matters.

Good Luck with finding yourself, it will make a real difference in your life when you do..,,,, male ,female, androgen, whatever...



Chrissty

Hi Samantha! and welcome!

That's the thing about the transgender spectrum - it's wide and there are lots of ways that you can be. You sound more genderfluid to me based on what you have described. Androgyne is a horrible sounding label, isn't it? But you don't have to have an official label to hang out here.

Please do seek out counseling for your dysphoria, and stopping the drugs is probably a good idea also 

Welcome Samantha!!

Sweetheart, don't worry about labels and where you fit into them. You are who you are, a beautiful person. I can see that you have done a lot of introspection. Don't drive yourself crazy hon. You may want to consider spending some time with a gender therapist (they are even available online) to help you sort things out. I would also recommend to break away from the drugs so that you can see things more clearly.
Don't compare yourself to others. Just be yourself. It is all OK!!

Love you

Brenda

Welcome Samantha! There are many places along the gender spectrum, all the best wishes on your journey! Even after all these years, I'm still figuring it all out 

Z

Welcome, and what the others have said.  We have all been confused and many of us are still confused, so you're in good company here.

The drugs are an escape that keep you from working through your problems, therefore the problems will persist.  I think you will find talking to someone about your feelings will help you.  It has helped many of us here.  Talk to someone trained to help you discover the road you need to take - a therapist or counselor.

Gender identity confusion is difficult because there is no "right" answer - it's different for each of us.  And what seems right at one point in our lives may not seem right at another point.  I was a cross-dresser and always resisted the idea that I was a woman trapped in a male body.  Through the long process of discovering who I am, I find that I am a woman and therrefore am in the process of adjusting my body and how everyone around me thinks of me.  (I still don't like the phrase "a woman trapped in a man's body".  I'm just me, whatever that is. )

That said, I am a woman who enjoys motorcycling, "handyman" work, and a bunch of other things that tend to be considered male in this society.  But I also enjoy talking with my girlfriends, clothes, fabric art, and many things considered female.  I am struggling to become comfortable with my particular mix of male and female traits.  Most of us are very complex.  That is not necessarily a bad thing.

Welcome to Susan's.  One-on-one counseling is a first step to finding who (and what) you are.  (Or perhaps your post is the first step and counseling is the next step. )

*hugs*
Kate

Agreed Kate, I am just me also. I'm just not always sure what that is.

The actual assault was not the reason for the gender dysphoria...it was just kind of the last straw. It wasn't physically traumatic honestly...there was no "physical" control involved. I could of walked out no problem...it was emotional control. I've never heard of a man being controlled in such an emotional way, ever. I've been saying for years now...Damn, I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Mostly kind of a joke, but now it seems to make sense. I experienced much severe gender dysphoria when i was younger, and was forced to where strictly man clothing, and be forced to go to church where they separated the boys from the girls. I've yet to meet a gay or straight man who feels comfortable presenting themselves as a womanly, and what I mean by this is that I feel most comfortable in girls clothes (but would NEVER be caught dead in a dress or skirt). Some may cross-dress on occassion or dress "feminine", but never entirely like a girl. I always hated the name Christian, always went by Chris, because Chris is a little more feminine. Last night when I was in the chat rooms, it felt sooooo good to be refered to as Samantha, (or Sammy). I've never felt like one with the boys, ever. The biggest reason I clung so hard to the "gay" label is it allowed me to be one of the girls, and I could be as feminine as I wanted without anyone caring. My love is very much womanly, of this I am sure, because I've never ever ever met a man that loves like I do. I've always been very "feminist" and I've never met a man who was naturally so, especially one who grows up in a very, very patriarchy-oriented home. I've always been obsessed with my very man-ish features, I've shaved body hair since elementary school (when i could manage). The dysphoria set in more lately because my emotions and sexuality didn't meet my given gender, because I was always able to make my body very close to the "ideal" woman body. Even though, I've always just stared at myself naked...never seemed "right". Oh and FYE, the "drugs" I am taking (mushrooms) are very much introspective, not so much coping. They have helped me figure out a lot. I've abused drugs in the past, and the way I use now is not abusive, it's more shamanistic. After talking to many trans-woman last night, I am sure I am going to start down this path. I am NOT a man. Never have been.

Sammy, what you say in your post makes a lot of sense to me.  I always thought it would be easier to be gay but knew I wasn't.  Being gay would explain a lot of things that were hard to explain otherwise.  I was never a "guy" and never considered myself a man.  I'm not particularly girly (not at my age ) but being accepted as a woman by the other women has been wonderful beyond belief.

Discovering who you are can be a long, confusing journey, but is very rewarding in the end.  Good luck and keep us posted on how you're doing.  There are lots of people here who understand your struggles because we've had very similar ones.

- Kate

Quote from: LordKAT on August 23, 2009, 09:57:24 PM
Agreed Kate, I am just me also. I'm just not always sure what that is.

Ahmen, brother.

- K

Hi again Samantha,

I still think the first thing to do is seek out a gender therapist before anything else and O! yeah, stop using the magic mushrooms even if you can justify their use. They have chemicals that change the perception of the brain and so would not give you a clear understanding of who you are.

Stardust

Yeah, well before I do anything serious I will seek out a gender therapist. But I am most defintley sure of how I am, there really is no doubt in my mind. It is always better to take things safe, though.

That's cool Samantha, transition should be planned as there are so many changes to deal with and of course significant others.

Take care,

Stardust

My biggest concern right now is that I am jumping to conclusions based off of an emotional need. The only reason I have this concern is I've done this a lot in the past, because this transition feels very right.

Hey Samantha!  I pretty much agree with what most above have said.  It is very hard to base conclusions based on someone without knowing stats like age, past experiences or without really knowing a person for real.  All i try to do is to evaluate my own feelings, which have always been based on my own feelings and that i have always had the mindset of a female.  I have never had "gay" intimacy with the same sex, other than me being the female in a male/male relationship.  I am not saying that you have had gay sex, but only that i haven't.  Even in my early years, my intimate relationships with nat females were that of bi in nature, not male/female, even though the woman didnt know it.  It was the only way i could perform in a hetro male/female relationship.  I never had a really strong desire to dress or put on makeup, but was more of the way i felt inside.  I started out like many the above suggested, seeing a gender therapist, and it really helps you figure things out inside.  I slowly transitioned..starting with hormones, then hair removal.  Slowly experimenting with dress, voice, the way i carry myself, etc.  Its not something that happens all of a sudden, at least not  with me.  If you are strongly opposed to not transitioning all the way, its not all that necessary more so than finding a happy medium for yourself to be in your own.  Everyone is different, and there are so many variables in ppls experiences in life and how each one of us are as individuals.  One thing that may be right for someone else may not be the way for you.  It takes time and really thinking about all the objectives in one's life that it would/could effect to base a definite decision.  Its not a single factor that  determines a decision, but multiple ones.  I wish you luck and hope in finding your way.  I know it can be difficult if you are unsure, but try not to stress, or put pressure on yourself.  Let it just take its course. 0x