Quote from: Melissa on August 29, 2006, 06:10:55 PM
I had this deep seated fear that somebody would say that I wasn't conventional, so I wasn't really TS.

Hey, you're much more conventional than I - even though I called myself "classic" in another thread, I really shouldn't have. Heck, I've enjoyed sex as a man on rare occasion, don't find my body entirely gross, think of SRS as nice but no biggie, don't noticably crossdress, don't make a fuss with my therapist about pronouns or female names, find the idea of being a "woman" (cultural construct) a bit frightening, I'm not overtly feminine...

But with YOU my dear, lol, wow... this whole womanhood thing seems to come so easily! Not the struggles and trials *surrounding* it of course, I know that's been tough - but it's very obvious you found your home, where you've *always* belonged. That's nice to see

Quote from: Alice on August 30, 2006, 06:43:56 AM
I was wondering what TS description did you fit - There seams to be so many it would be hard to find one that would fit everyone.

It wasn't so much a description itself, but more of a definition.  For instance, a crossdresser is perfectly content being a man.  I tried hard being one, but that didn't mean I was happy being one.  There seems to be a deeper, more innate drive to go far enough to physically alter your body as a transsexual, rather than thinking it might be "neat" to be a woman.  I had another fear that my motivations for wanting to transition may have been for the wrong reasons and that was why I had to look over my life so carefully and make sure this wasn't something I just decided or wanted.  I started going to therapy and as time went on and I kept reading about other transsexuals' lives I came to realize I couldn't go on without transitioning.  I suppose it was suicidal thoughts and an actual suicide attempt that really made me realize this was far more serious than just wanting to be a woman.  I went as far as I could in therapy, but as time went on, I got more and more depressed.  At a couple points, I actually went to remove my testicles because I hated the testosterone so much, but was stopped by my wife.  I eventually started having panic attacks and extremely high blood pressure and when I went to therapy a couple days later, I told her and that I needed to start hormones ASAP.  When she agreed, that was a huge burden lifted.  When I actually started the hormones, that was an even bigger burden lifted.  So, I guess it was these dangerous behaviors that were the biggest indicators.  You don't hear of crossdressers doing stuff like this.  I felt I tried my hardest to fight this thing and I still couldn't win, so I felt no guit about transitioning.  I hope that helps.

Melissa

Quote from: Kate on August 30, 2006, 08:48:15 AM
But with YOU my dear, lol, wow... this whole womanhood thing seems to come so easily! Not the struggles and trials *surrounding* it of course, I know that's been tough - but it's very obvious you found your home, where you've *always* belonged. That's nice to see

Oddly enough it did.  It actually surprised me in that I never thought it would the whole time I grew up.  When I started comparing myself to other women, it was odd how strikingly similar I was.  Either way, I've found my way home.

Melissa

It isn't so "odd" Melissa, you had been a woman your whole life (as I had).  You were just finally able to acknowledge it and open your life to it.

It is great that you are as open and "verbal" as you are, I have a hard time opening up with others and letting them in.

Sarah L.

Oh, I used to be such a closed book and had trouble with that.  However, I wanted to be much more like I am now.  So I figured if I was completely redoing my whole life, I might as well become the person I really am.  I guess that explains the change in personality.  I was no longer acting and I just started being myself (which sometimes gets me into trouble, even on here).  Are you fine with being quite and keeping to yourself?  If so, then just continue.  If not, please change that.  See, I gues I'm really an extrovert, but in order to hide my secrets, I had to close myself off.  No more secrets made it easy.  I guess the one thing I did was I started telling the world all of my deep secrets and that was very liberating.  And you know what?  Nobody thought I was a bad person after telling those secrets.  When you have nothing to hide, it makes it much easier to be outgoing.

Melissa

Melissa, when I finally found myself and told my wife about the lie that I have been keeping, it lifted a ton of weight of my shoulders. I wasn't afraid of too much after that. I'm now more of an extrovert and not an introvert like I use to be. I'm more afraid of bugs now, go figure.
Sheila

Hi Melisa hun

Enjoyed your story

I was in Susan's chat a couple years ago. I never felt I was a boy although I had to play the roll for more years then I should.

Fortunately as I grew up my mom knew about my cross dressing and she didn't mind or least ways she never told me she did. We were close, I loved my mom and she was my best friend and confidant as well as my mom.  I never mingled much with other men except for two really close male friends that I looked up to like they were my brothers. For the most part I was a loner and really preferred it that way. As a child in public school where I never did fit in and was a target for bullies. Well this all ended when I met Hellene, she was a street brawler as well as a tom boy. Needless to say we both were renegade pranksters and mischief makers. We were both classified as odd balls or rejects by both the girls and guys. Wow but did we have fun running together those few years.

When I got to the age of 15 I quit school and ran off hitching my way from a northern town in Ontario to the big city of New York. I was lucky to have run into a group of hippies in a restaurant. Mind you back then unisex clothes were the in thing. One of the guys I was atracted to at the table with two girls and one guy I did on purpose sort of got his attention. You see back then I had hair down to my butt and with the uniclothes I passed quite well and he asked me to join them. Wow tall slim with longish golden blond hair blue eyes and and the hint of a goatee under this chin. "Hee. hee." reminded me of a billy goat. ) He asked me to go with them to this commune that was a converted abandoned ship in New York harbor. Any way as time went on we kind of fell for each other. they had me stationed in a dorm for other runaway girls. 

I spent nearly two years there and then Hell broke loose and the we were raided and disbanded by the cops and and Jim drove me to the outskirts of town and told me to go back home that it was to dangerous for me to remain there. We kissed then I stood on the side of the highway watching him drive away in his Volkswagen micro bus. The one I had painted the graffiti on with my own hands.

Well it was going to be another thirty years before I would get another chance to again touch my dream. 47 years old I was in such misery that I began entertaining the though of suicide and I became anorexic. I was starving mysel to death before I just decided to do it. Just took all the men's clothes and put it all in two garbage bags and took them to Salvation Army and exchanged them for women's clothes, The next day I waked out of my home as Cindy and never looked back.

I have been Cindy for the past five years now, got SRS two years ago. I have been accepted by everyone in this town and most only know me and address me as Cindy.

Cindy       

Thanks and great story Cin.  Congrats on the last 5 years.

Melissa

Hi Melisa hun, thank you. I been trying to get a picture in here but not having much success, would you be able to tell me how?

Cin

Sure, you need 15 posts first.  Looks like you have 2 already.

Melissa

Hmmmm wonder who thinks up these rules. Hey not complaining I am just not much of a lover of rules 

Maybe I should write myself twelve more posts, if nothing else I could keep myself entertained. "hee, hee, hee"

Cin
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 07:59:36 AM

---

Hi again Melissa

Are you now living full time as a woman? Have you had SRS? and how did your wife handle it? Just curious, hope I am not being to nosy.

Cin

Susan made the rules so that we can get to know people before they get a bunch of privileges.  It's come in handy a few times. Feel free to join in some of the many threads available and you'll easily get 12 more posts.

I am living fulltime as a woman and have been for about 2 months now.  No SRS yet.   Hopefully sometime soon.  Me and wife are getting divorced, and I can't wait for that to be over with.  She just stresses me out so much.  You're not being too nosy.

Melissa

Hi again Melissa, glad to hear you made that step forward, How I so remember the torture of having to live in the other persona. Ya it figures with the wife, when I was here last, in the chatroom, I figured on a scale of one to one hundred only one relationship decide to stay together. Believe me I knew some of the better halves and they suffered just as greatly. I remember spending several nights consoling one of the wives. She finally accepted the situation and decided to walk.

Maybe some day I will tell you how I can feel and sense people just from reading their messages if you are interested.

Love and light

Cin

There's a chatroom here?

www.susans.org gets you to the home page then click on chat at the top of the page.

Cin

Quote from: Cin on September 01, 2006, 11:10:03 AM
Hi again Melissa, glad to hear you made that step forward, How I so remember the torture of having to live in the other persona. Ya it figures with the wife, when I was here last, in the chatroom, I figured on a scale of one to one hundred only one relationship decide to stay together. Believe me I knew some of the better halves and they suffered just as greatly. I remember spending several nights consoling one of the wives. She finally accepted the situation and decided to walk.

Maybe some day I will tell you how I can feel and sense people just from reading their messages if you are interested.

Hi, I've been having a particularly hard morning.  My marriage is most definitely over.  She is sleeping around with a number of guys and many times doesn't come home at night.  I end up watching the kids all the time and never am able to take any time for myself.  Finances are down the tube and I really am not sure how I'm *not* going to end up homeless in the next few months, let alone pay for SRS. Yet, she seems to have reckless disregard for what she spends.  She has no job and during the day, she has the kids watched for her a lot by others, which I have to pay for.  The house is a disaster and she never cleans during the day.  Really, who would you call the "better half"?  There's no saving the marriage at this point and every time she is around I feel so stressed.  I was having nightmares last night from being so stressed.  She's a leech.

Melissa

Melissa,
   Your divorce needs to move to the part where you sell the house and split the money so you can move on. Dang that is so bad she is being like that. I read stuff like this and realize how lucky I am that my ex is taking care of the kids. Well, 3 of them anyway.
I hope you can get out of that situation sooner tha later. Does she forget those are her kids too?

                                                 Marco

Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 11:28:07 AM

Quote from: Cin on September 01, 2006, 11:10:03 AM
Hi again Melissa, glad to hear you made that step forward, How I so remember the torture of having to live in the other persona. Ya it figures with the wife, when I was here last, in the chatroom, I figured on a scale of one to one hundred only one relationship decide to stay together. Believe me I knew some of the better halves and they suffered just as greatly. I remember spending several nights consoling one of the wives. She finally accepted the situation and decided to walk.

Maybe some day I will tell you how I can feel and sense people just from reading their messages if you are interested.

Hi, I've been having a particularly hard morning.  My marriage is most definitely over.  She is sleeping around with a number of guys and many times doesn't come home at night.  I end up watching the kids all the time and never am able to take any time for myself.  Finances are down the tube and I really am not sure how I'm *not* going to end up homeless in the next few months, let alone pay for SRS. Yet, she seems to have reckless disregard for what she spends.  She has no job and during the day, she has the kids watched for her a lot by others, which I have to pay for.  The house is a disaster and she never cleans during the day.  Really, who would you call the "better half"?  There's no saving the marriage at this point and every time she is around I feel so stressed.  I was having nightmares last night from being so stressed.  She's a leech.

Melissa

Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry...  (Hugs)

I'm worried that my relationship will also fall aprat when I start to chage...  I know Justin won't cheat on me but he also won't be *attracted* to me anymore, and I don't know if I can handle being cut off physically.

Things would be so much easier if everyone in the world was bi.

I'm sorry to hear that Melissa.  I obviously don't know as much about your situation as most on here but maybe it's time to take back control of your life and let that part of it go.  Sounds like she has made her position clear by action if not words.  I've never been married so I guess I can't really offer any "from experience" type of advice.  I hope things get better for you.

Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 11:28:07 AM
She is sleeping around with a number of guys and many times doesn't come home at night....
she seems to have reckless disregard for what she spends...
she has the kids watched for her a lot by others, which I have to pay for...
The house is a disaster and she never cleans during the day...

It sounds like she's determined to punish you