Transition means just that, transition, change in state, an evolution.  When it ends--if it ends--is still a mystery to me.  I'm physically evolved completely, settled into life as a woman, but the mental evolution must take more time.  In the past week, I suffered a serious breach of faith.  I'd been called "he" once too many times, my career was hanging by a thread it seemed, I still had my partner but I'm also still mourning the loss of our intimate relationship (everything else, not the sex), and there was plenty else going on.  I began to question my transition.  Was I really a transsexual, really a woman all these years?  Maybe I was just deranged.  Trust me, there was no thought about returning to male...ugh, but had all this really been necessary?  With the dysphoria becoming a distant memory, I wondered if I should have tried harder to gut it out...?  Was this all because I was weak?  I'll never know.

I've had a few of these lapses and I can see them coming.  I become withdrawn, depressed, sullen, and very reactive to things that challenge my identity like being "sirred" on the phone, the wrong pronouns, posts on support groups I don't like.

I can't go back.  I don't want to go back.  Fortunately, I thus far have come to realize that regardless of how or why I've transitioned, I've done it.  It's a fact, a done deal.  I need to just get on with it and make the best of it.  Enjoy it, live it to the fullest. 

Yesterday, I was able to make that switch in thinking again.  Life looks livable again.  Onward...until the next lapse.

If I offended anyone in the meantime, I apologize.

Dawn

Aw, I feel for you...  I had a lapse like that after coming out to my SO.  I haven't transitioned yet, so it's wasn't that severe...  I can hardly imagine how you must feel having done it and having that kind of lapse.  But it seems like something that many people would think about when they still get the wrong pronouns...

Quote from: DawnL on August 30, 2006, 09:25:41 AM
With the dysphoria becoming a distant memory...

Maybe that's a clue.

My therapist recently showed me a letter written by a TS that addressed regrets after transitioning. She basically said that with the dysphoria gone, and all the new problems and concerns her transition brought her, she sometimes finds herself wondering if it was all worthwhile.

Then she remembers the pain of the GID and knows that she did the right thing.

*hugs* I hope things get better for you Dawn.

Jessica

Dawn,
    Geez, I would have days like that too often right before I had top surgery. And everytime I was called "mam" or "ladies" with my girlfriend, it killed me. I would be severly depressed for the next 2 days. And I'm like, what is it? What are THEY seeing? My chest was bound, I am dressed the same. My face at the time did not have the hair on is as I do know, and have come to the conclusion that, is a big factor. So far after surgery, and I had shaved by the way, 1 time in the grocery store while with my girlfriend, I was bent over the cart this loser who works there says "are you ladies finding everything?" I stood stright up and said "yes" "but I'm not a lady" His mouth dropped and he looked right at my chest, heard my voice and felt very stupid and apologized. It still made me mad, but atleast this time I could be bold about it because my chest is like his now.

I think we all get the pre conceived idea that after we have surgery almost like that very day we will transform into the gender to which we have always been and the whole world will see it the same as do we. We expect that, and on the days where it falls short are the days when we think was all it worth it just to have some not see us for who we are? I think then that leaves us with our confidence to go off of. I try to remember there are also biological men and women who are mistaken for the oppisite of their gender. Hang in their Dawn, and just keep moving on.

                                               Marco

Quote from: Kate on August 30, 2006, 10:51:24 AM
Then she remembers the pain of the GID and knows that she did the right thing.

That's the key.  We can't forget where we came from.  I haven't forgotten and I remind myself from time to time.  I never have thoughts about going back and I have no regrets.  I feel like I can take on the challenges of a female life and actually take satisfaction that I get to face these challenges.

Melissa

Quote from: DawnL on August 30, 2006, 09:25:41 AM...
I don't want to go back.
...

An, to me, that rather says you transitioned for the right reasons.


I understand those thoughts, but all I have to do is remember what I was before. The mantra I chant currently is "Transition or Death", and I honestly mean it. There is no back, there is no desire to return to what was. Even if life is hell, it is better than the hell that was life.  An if anyone actually cares, yes, transition IS HELL.

In the end we follow our heart and hope we find happiness. I have heard worse plans.

Know what you should do?
Find things about being female you specifically enjoy, and always find joy in those things.  For me, I am addicted to goign to the mall en femme, going into Barnes and Nobles, grabbing a Tazo Chai Latte and playing some guys in Chess and kicking their sorry little tushes all the while GLOWING inside because I feel so accomplished, a female chess master!  I go up and hug people I know whom I'm close to, asking if I can pick them up a latte or some food, just to brighten their day.  Then I'll try and meet some complete stranger, someone of the type that I can fall in love or THINK I have in just a night, and that's exactly what I do!  I'll spend a night out and probably end up taking off my clothes just for that romantic moment under the moon, and a week later I'll get the sniffles, sneeze green stuff and cry about how it is over now, write a poem, and spend a night a little bit tipsy off something or another and next morning I'm bright and cheery and LALALALALALA!
Strange girl, aren't I?
It's always a quest though, always some kind of quest.  That's why my life can't all be about my quest to become female.  What'll I do after it's over?
NO no nono no!
-shakes head-
It's all abuot being who I am, and who I am is not comprised entirely of being some metal head GENDER.
Therefore, I'll never find out who I am and sure that's a big dissapointment, I'll die happy cuz I never had a chance to sit on my tush and be lazy!
So...
Whenver you get depressed, do what I do:
"LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA"
dON'T FORGET to jump up and down and swing your hair around and smile at someone who looks like they could use it and then go,
"LALALALALALALALALALALALALA" again until you can't do it anymore and just fall down.
It's really good medicine, promise.
Posted on: August 31, 2006, 04:41:44 PM

---

Quote from: Kimberly on August 30, 2006, 01:03:36 PM

Quote from: DawnL on August 30, 2006, 09:25:41 AM...
I don't want to go back.
...

An, to me, that rather says you transitioned for the right reasons.


I understand those thoughts, but all I have to do is remember what I was before. The mantra I chant currently is "Transition or Death", and I honestly mean it. There is no back, there is no desire to return to what was. Even if life is hell, it is better than the hell that was life.  An if anyone actually cares, yes, transition IS HELL.

In the end we follow our heart and hope we find happiness. I have heard worse plans.

OR...
Instead of doing this silly, "do or die" regime, forget all about transition until you're mentally stable enough to handle it.  If you can't handle being one gender assigned to you now, what makes you think you can be the gender assigned to you by a surgeon's hand?  I've known quite a few TS's, and I find an astounding amount of them who were desperate to change did so and suddenly hated it once done.  That's NOT the right reason in my opinion.  I believe transition shouldn't be such an all-consuming task, that you should always have your hand on something better.  I've got several big goals in life, like 5 or 6 or something, and transition is one of them but not near the top of the list.  If it's meant to be, it'll happen.  Going psycho over it won't help either, it'll just make you look kinda... I guess I'll say silly for lack of a word I can't use due to all these mods.  ANYWAYS, "do or die" is the wrong outlook to have!  I mean for real people, if you feel like that go play some monopoly or somethign else to help you get your thoughts straightened out, and your priorities as well.

Quote from: Annwyn on August 31, 2006, 03:48:06 PMI believe transition shouldn't be such an all-consuming task, that you should always have your hand on something better.

Interesting... I've sometimes half-joked that I won't be ready for transition unless I don't *want* to anymore. That perhaps it's not right to do when you have some motivation, some reason, some "because..." behind it. Most of my ranting these last few months has been to strip away that romanticism, the idealism, the hopes and dreams that accumulated around The Wish over four decades.

When I do it, I figure it's gonna be more like fixing a leaky faucet than fulfilling a "life long dream" or fantasy.

Quote from: Kate on August 31, 2006, 03:58:45 PM
When I do it, I figure it's gonna be more like fixing a leaky faucet than fulfilling a "life long dream" or fantasy.

That's right Kate, except it's more like getting completely new plumbing.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on August 31, 2006, 04:06:41 PM

Quote from: Kate on August 31, 2006, 03:58:45 PM
When I do it, I figure it's gonna be more like fixing a leaky faucet than fulfilling a "life long dream" or fantasy.

That's right Kate, except it's more like getting completely new plumbing.
Melissa

I think Kate has it right since they do use the same "tubing" so to speak 

Dawn

Quote from: Kate on August 31, 2006, 03:58:45 PM
When I do it, I figure it's gonna be more like fixing a leaky faucet than fulfilling a "life long dream" or fantasy.

No, no no no Kate.
When you start transition, I want you to be filled with adrenaline.  I want you to be thrilled, every single day, at living life as a woman.  I want you to try something new each week, something that might seem like a usual female task, but for you is an adventure!
One week you'll go to the mall crossdressed.  The next you'll go to a bar.  The next you'll do something crazy like getting your hair braided, not so connected to feminity but still, if you're goign to do one crazy thing might as well do another.  Go bungee jumping, and maybe even after a while go to the beach in a bikini!  Try it all... otherwise you'll never know who you really are, just that you're another, "woman."  Gotta have more goals than that I'm afraid!

Quote from: Annwyn on August 31, 2006, 05:44:16 PM
No, no no no Kate.
When you start transition, I want you to be filled with adrenaline.  I want you to be thrilled, every single day, at living life as a woman.  I want you to try something new each week, something that might seem like a usual female task, but for you is an adventure!
One week you'll go to the mall crossdressed.  The next you'll go to a bar.  The next you'll do something crazy like getting your hair braided, not so connected to feminity but still, if you're goign to do one crazy thing might as well do another.  Go bungee jumping, and maybe even after a while go to the beach in a bikini!  Try it all... otherwise you'll never know who you really are, just that you're another, "woman."  Gotta have more goals than that I'm afraid!

Great attitude Annwyn.   That's exactly what I've been doing.  I started out dressing "en femme" and going out to various spots like the mall grocery store, or restaurants.  Sometimes a GLBT bar.  No problems. I started going out more often to restaurants and movie theaters.  I eventually ramped it up and started going to wherever I wanted if I was dressed up.  I even joined a female support group.

Since I've gone fulltime, I've gone out on dates with guys and girls.  I've gone stealth with a bunch of lesbians (more than once).  I've made out with an FtM.  I wear clothes that I want to wear - not ones to help me hide better.  I go clothes shopping whereever I want.  I even went to the beach in a bikini last Sunday.  Some other things "to do" on my list are going to a regular bar and to try a weeklong membership at a gym and use the lockerroom.  Maybe I'm crazy, but it's my life and I want to live as a female and by gosh, I'm doing it.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on August 31, 2006, 06:00:55 PM

Since I've gone fulltime, I've gone out on dates with guys and girls.  I've gone stealth with a bunch of lesbians (more than once).  I've made out with an FtM.  I wear clothes that I want to wear - not ones to help me hide better.  I go clothes shopping whereever I want.  I even went to the beach in a bikini last Sunday.  Some other things "to do" on my list are going to a regular bar and to try a weeklong membership at a gym and use the lockerroom.  Maybe I'm crazy, but it's my life and I want to live as a female and by gosh, I'm doing it.

Watch out on the gym... seriously.  I stoped using the locker room at my gym cuz I'm sick of seeing old men's penises, and the fact is I AM bisexual and I'm NOT comfortable being in a room with naked men walking around because I want to do things which I'd just regret and likely get kileld for even suggesting in this marineinfested area!
I do think all transsexuals should be gym-goers.  It's imperative to stay in top health, not only to help battle the risks of hormones but also to portray an image to other transsexuals and community in general.  People who work out tend to be better individuals than those that don't, I hate to say it.  It kind of leads to a bigotry against obesity, but it takes will power to seriously train.  I mean, go to the gym and focus on your legs'n'stuffs.  You'll enjoy it, and you'll love it too.  I'm addicted to working meh legs out!

Who said anything about using the men's?   Seriously, I'm fulltime living as female and don't really pass for male, but do pass well as female.  In other words, I'm more female than male.  I've been almost naked in front of women in stealth (they were too ) and nobody thought anything wrong with with how I looked.  Plus, I have a female gender marker on my DL if needed.  If I thought I didn't pass well, I wouldn't do it.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on August 31, 2006, 06:14:13 PM
Who said anything about using the men's?   Seriously, I'm fulltime living as female and don't really pass for male, but do pass well as female.  In other words, I'm more female than male.  I've been almost naked in front of women in stealth (they were too ) and nobody thought anything wrong with with how I looked.  Plus, I have a female gender marker on my DL if needed.  If I thought I didn't pass well, I wouldn't do it.

I WANT A FEMALE DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!
-cries-
I want a driver's license period!:)

Quote from: DawnL on August 30, 2006, 09:25:41 AM
With the dysphoria becoming a distant memory, I wondered if I should have tried harder to gut it out...?  Was this all because I was weak?  I'll never know.

I've had a few of these lapses and I can see them coming.  I become withdrawn, depressed, sullen, and very reactive to things that challenge my identity like being "sirred" on the phone, the wrong pronouns, posts on support groups I don't like.

I can't go back.  I don't want to go back.  Fortunately, I thus far have come to realize that regardless of how or why I've transitioned, I've done it.  It's a fact, a done deal.  I need to just get on with it and make the best of it.  Enjoy it, live it to the fullest. 

Dawn

The nature of our beast is depression.  Most of us have to deal with it.  The depression will make us doubt our entire lives if we let it. 

I made the change many years ago.  I sometimes think about how much better I would have done in my professional career.  I do know that I would not have to worry about my finances as I do now.  I would have been financially independent. But those are fleeting thoughts at best. They don't get me down.  My thoughts of depression seldom bring in the gender thing any more.  They center around being lonely (I have very little contact with humans due to where I live) and battling my muse about how I should be doing this or that.

Here's the thing Dawn... you will feel down.  You may pull the gender thing into it.  Don't let it happen. If someone calls you sir, don't let it choke your goat.  I decided a long time to just let those little things slide.  I don't know the person... why should it matter so much? 

Should you have tried harder?  You know the answer Dawn.  If all you need is acknowledgement, then I heartily give it to you.  Try to think back, in the before time.  Think of all of the guilt you sheltered and kept warm.  Think of the things that you did to hide your feelings, to turn them against you, to self destruct.  You can remember if you try.  Then you will know that you have put a major obstacle behind you. You're just facing the little stuff now.  Go forth, prosper, chin up and all of that.

Take care

Cindi

Hi Dawn, 

It is not unusual for us to think about our past lives and the IF'S and the WOULD'S that come with those memories.  In my case those "If's" and "would's" don't exist, for  I know I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't transitioned.

I would never, ever consider going back to that life of unhappiness and misery, simply because that wouldn't be my life at all; As I have said many times, I would rather stop living than going back!!!


tinkerbell

Hey Dawn,

I totally symperthise with you over your post.

Despite being 4 years post op, it took a while to eventually stop feeling that I had a strong masculine side... I expected to feel different after SRS (but never did).

It wasn't until a few years after that I made the step change that was needed to fully embrace who I was....I will explain.

I always had basically a female brain, going full time gave me a female life, SRS / BA gave me a female body, speech therapy gave me a feminine voice, FFS gave me a feminine face.... So why the hell did I not always feel like I was a woman?

I to, despite all my best efforts got called "sir" on the odd ocassion and would be read, a year post op, confused me no end.

One day, sitting with friends at lunch, one of them said to me "You know Beck, you need to change the way you are putting your hands on your face, It's very masculine".... Boy did they have my attention.

We had a great conversation, basically they talked about Gender Conditioning, how from an early age they where encouraged (and had things re-enforced to them) about being a girl, how emotionally they where also conditioned and how they could bring back these experiences when they had to as part of their natural behaviour, instinct.

I realized then, that when I had problems, issues, I went back into my past experiences and related to what I knew.... being a guy, I always fell back into my comfort zone. I had all the things that made me Female, but not the emotional understanding.

Two years on, I have fully embraced that emotional side, I no longer go back to my past experiences, but my recent experiences and my friends have been great. I can throw my hands around, embrace strangers, kiss all the guys I know (with the best of them)... before I was uncomfortable doing this. I was uncomfortable batting my eyelids ,flirting with guys to get things done and behaving emotionally like a woman, go into a rest room and I will be there chatting with the girls, touching up my make up, no longer is it just pee time.... we do evolve, nature finds a way.

We can't change our pasts, we can only learn and move forward and yes it is disheartening when someone sees us as something we are not... but think of the 99.999% of people who see us as who we are.

Becky

Interesting Becky.  The great thing about all the stuff you learned after all the physical transitioning is one thing everyone can work on before.

Melissa