Hey all I have a letter drafted up. I am open to suggestions on how to improve it or if it is fine the way it is. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Thanks!
Carina
Dear To be announced,

"I really wish that I could do this in person but I cannot afford to drive all over the state to tell you individually.

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. You see there is something that I have been hiding from myself and all of you for most of my life.
You may have seen me become more withdrawn & angry over the years. There is something that was eating me up inside for many years.

Some times I considered suicide; at times I even came really close. I tried to drink my problem away with alcohol. I acted out in very self destructive ways. I tried to avoid it in any way possible but it just kept coming back. Moving away with My EX only made it easier to avoid my reality by breaking contact with all of you.

It has taken a really long time to accept myself for who I really am. I have known for some time what I am but only now, have I been able to find the resources and support that I need and also be able to finally accept myself.

I am a Transsexual. This is my gender identity. This has nothing to do with sexuality. I have known this since I was 11 or so. I learned back then to hide this from others as I could not stand the ridicule or harassment that I would have had to endure at that time. There will be some ridicule from time to time now but I have support groups to help me during my transition.

I need to state that I am not a "Man in a Dress"; I'm not something on the Jerry Springer show. I am a Parent, Civil Servant, and someone that wants to help others in need.

Right now I am the one in need. I'm 10 months into my transition. Right now I am stripping off the layers of masculinity that I learned to put up in order to survive in the day to day world. My body is changing and has quite a bit so far. This is a second puberty as it will take years of HRT to change my body to fit my mind. I am learning how to be a woman. I have 30 years to make up for in that department. During my transition things will be awkward.

I still am the core individual at heart that some of you were able to know when I wasn't acting like a total ass which was an act. I really am not that way. I am working on socialization & making friends in the real world as the real me. I am also working on my life now that I am single and have to start all over.

I genuinely hope that we can continue to be friends. This transition is not just difficult for me but will be difficult for you as well. My name and the proper pronoun will be hard to change and I expect slip up's. I am ready for acceptance, rejection, Etc. I will not tolerate any spiteful hate directed towards myself, my kids or my ex. If you feel that way I have no need for you in my life.

Sincerely,
Carina"

That's very bold of you, even through a letter.

I remember when I came out to my sister, I did it gradually, over a period of days, though an e-mail exchange.

I'm currently in the process of coming out to my monther, even more slowly, through telephone conversations and Skype videoconferences, week after week. She was very surprised at seeing my budding breasts at first, and she is still worrying about my health... I still have to expose her to the plain truth of my GID problem. I hope I will succeed before my FFS.

As for friends, I already came out to a few of them, lost part of them...

But I made new friends, in the TG community.

Transition is really a change of life.

Carina:

That is remarkably similar to the letter I sent out (and for the same reason, distance).  If you are interested I can PM a copy to you.  You can't PM me until you hit 15 posts though.  Post back here and I will send it to you.

It is direct, thoughtful and matter of fact.  It defuses the sexuality aspect that many people wrongly assume.  You also explain briefly how this "blessing inside a curse" has affected your life and the lives of those around you.  And you are quite direct in your statement that while you expect slip ups, you are no longer your previous gender and are now Carina.

All in all a fine letter.  It will definitely help those around you with your transition.

-Sandy

 Thanks Aurora, I am usually very direct and to the point. I need to learn to be more tactfull...

I would not call GID or anything we associate ourselves with a "Problem". I was doing that for years. We are who we are. So long as we keep pathologizing ourselves we will have a difficult time being accepted in the CIS gendered community. I am coming out to these friends (Who are really like family more so to me than my own family) I haven't been in contact with them for nearly Ten Years! I saw them last November for my best friends wedding to his Partner. Back then it was mentioned to me that that they thought I'd turn into a Woman. That really hit home with me.

Yes Transition is  a change in life. One that I hope will allow me to be the person that can be true to ones self and happy with who I am for once in my life.

Carina.

---

Post Merge: September 07, 2009, 11:17:28 AM

---

Quote from: Sandy on September 07, 2009, 04:16:37 AM
Carina:

That is remarkably similar to the letter I sent out (and for the same reason, distance).  If you are interested I can PM a copy to you.  You can't PM me until you hit 15 posts though.  Post back here and I will send it to you.

It is direct, thoughtful and matter of fact.  It defuses the sexuality aspect that many people wrongly assume.  You also explain briefly how this "blessing inside a curse" has affected your life and the lives of those around you.  And you are quite direct in your statement that while you expect slip ups, you are no longer your previous gender and are now Carina.

All in all a fine letter.  It will definitely help those around you with your transition.

-Sandy

Thanks Sandy,

I'd like that, My friends are more like family to me than my own immediate dysfunctional family! If I can get over this hurdle, I can then Attack the next one with my immediate family. I figure the Truth is the best approach.

Take Care,
Carina.

Check your PM's.

-Sandy

Quote from: Sandy on September 07, 2009, 11:31:52 AM
Check your PM's.

-Sandy

Thanks so muchSandy!
Your letter gave me a few of ideas on where to revise mine. I forgot to include the Contacting me for Q&A stuff Too. I'll work on that letter 2 nite and repost then.
Carina.

Carina, it looks like a fine letter.  It's good to do this in person, but a letter is good if distance is a problem so that everyone gets the news more or less at the same time.  There are some ways I would fine-tune the letter.  It is fine the way it is, but I would polish it the following ways:

For me, I wouldn't use the word transsexual but say transgendered.  But then I tend to want to ease people into things.  I find the word transsexual hits people a lot harder than transgendered does.

I wouldn't say you have been transitioning for 10 months but just say that you are becoming the woman you've always been inside.  The 10 months puts distance between you and your friends.  Leave it a bit indefinite until you get questions.

And I would drop the last three sentences.  Because they are your friends you assume they will accept you and welcome you as the woman you are, giving them the benefit of the doubt.  You are fully capable of defending yourself if need be, but you don't have to point that out in the first letter to them about this.  I think it helps to be open rather than defensive (with plenty of defenses held in reserve, out of sight)

These are just suggestions.  We each approach this in a slightly different way.  Your way looks very good.  Let us know how it works.

*hugs*
Kate

I would like to add to what K8 said, in person is better.  Perhaps for some you have lost touch with a letter is good, for for anyone who you are close with they will see it as an insult that you didn't trust them enough to tell them this over coffee (or preferably over a couple whiskey doubles).

No matter how hard it is, its always best to deliver bad news in person, its the mark of a stand-up person, who cares about the person receiving the news. 

Quote from: tekla on September 07, 2009, 07:39:16 PM
I would like to add to what K8 said, in person is better.  Perhaps for some you have lost touch with a letter is good, for for anyone who you are close with they will see it as an insult that you didn't trust them enough to tell them this over coffee (or preferably over a couple whiskey doubles).

No matter how hard it is, its always best to deliver bad news in person, its the mark of a stand-up person, who cares about the person receiving the news.

Yes, except this isn't bad news.  This is good news.  This is WONDERFUL news.  You are letting your friends know you are becoming whole.  If they are your friends they will rejoice in the news. 

Regardless of that, Tekla is right: in person is best if geographically possible.  If not, a caring letter is next best.

- Kate

Its only 'good news' to begin with when they have known it all along - which they might.  I've had several people come out to me as gay and all I could think was 'about time you figured it out, we've known for years now."  But a good friend feels hurt at first that you could not share that with them before.  It takes a bit to get over that I think, and in that sense, it's kinda bad.

Let me just say You all Rock!

Thanks for the ideas. I have come up with a second revision. I do plan on telling all of my friends at the same time. I must state that there is a lot of Distance between us. I cut off contact for 10 years. I saw them all last year at my best friends wedding (they are gay so the group is cool all ready). I disappeared into the woodwork once that event was over. I have Emails and Face book names. I just created a facebook page last week. That is my fault for avoiding who I am. I then plan on telling my Parents & Big sister My Little sister knows and has for a long time. They are coming up next weekend and I wonder if I should tell them then In person in a group setting since one on one is going to be hard to do...

So here is mt second revision.
thanks,

Carina.

Dear To be announced,

I really wish that I could do this in person but I cannot afford to drive all over the state to tell you individually.

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. You see there is something that I have been hiding from myself and all of you for most of my life.
You may have seen me become more withdrawn & angry over the years. There is something that was eating me up inside for many years.

At times, I considered suicide. I even came really close to it a few times. I tried to drink my problem away with alcohol. I've acted out in very self destructive ways. I tried to avoid it in any way possible but this just kept coming back. Moving away with My EX only made it easier to avoid my reality by breaking contact with all of you.

It has taken a really long time to accept myself for who I really am. I have known for some time what I am but only now, have I been able to seek out resources and support that I need and also be able to finally accept myself. The anger I carried for so many years is now gone. For the first time in my life, I'm caring for myself. For the forst time in my life, there is a future for me.

I'm Transgendered. It is my gender identity it has nothing to do with sexuality. I have known this since I was 11 or so. I learned back then to hide this from others as I could not stand the ridicule or harassment that I would have had to endure at that time. There will be some ridicule from time to time now but I have support groups to help me during my transition.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to fit in the world as me and not someone else. It's sometimes scary and often times awkward. I still am the core individual at heart that some of you were able to really know when I wasn't acting like a total ass which was an act I learned to put up in order to maintain some sort of distance from me. I really am not that way. I am working on socialization & making friends in the real world as the real me. I'm also rebuilding my life now that I am single and have to start all over.

This transition is not just difficult for me but will be difficult for you as well. My name and the proper pronoun will be hard to change and I expect slip up's.

If you have thoughts, questions, etc, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,
Carina Holleran.
Email
Phone #
Mailing address.

Good job, Carina.  I hope it goes well for you.  Regardless, it is a step toward being whole.

I never came out in person to more than one person at a time, so I don't know how it would work with your parents and sister altogether.  It should be all right.  The thing to remember is: This is good news, so envision a positive outcome.  If you have local people (geographically local or people you can telephone), let them know that you are going to do this so they can be ready to help your celebrate you successful coming out. 

Think only good thoughts.

Bon voyage.

- Kate

Thanks Kate,

Coming out in pmeans a 250 mile trip each way, I just comply cannot afford it with the salary cuts I have had to take on. I am going to find a Second job just to be able to live in a home and not my truck come the end of the month. I'm seperating from my Ex and we both cannot afford to live on our own the way the economy is. But we cannot live together either.

The Parents & Sister will have to wait as it it My mothers Birthday weekend. That would be bad tact on my end. I do plan on doing it before the end of the month. I just want this over with. Coming out for me at least will release me of the burden of having to act anymore! I was me on the phone the other day and was mistaken for my Ex!

Carina.

Quote from: Carina in California on September 08, 2009, 07:37:39 AM
I was me on the phone the other day and was mistaken for my Ex!

Yes, wait with your folks.  This weekend is for your mother.  You don't want to detract from her special time.

- Kate

I regret to announce that a lifelong friend of Carina Paige Holleran notified us through Sacramento PFLAG that she had committed suicide some time between March 20-24.  Carina was a transwoman who had been active in our Sutter Gender Support Group and Sacramento and Elk Grove PFLAG, and the online communities of the River City Gems Yahoo Group and Susans.org.  She assisted us with videotaping and with preparation of the reception for our Sacramento Trans Day of Remembrance Vigil on November 21, 2009.  I remember her as a loving and giving spirit...she seemed to have found comfort in this world in resolving her gender conflict, but anguished over family rejection and hostility.  We will miss her dearly. 

Dr. Francie Milazzo, Facilitator, Sutter Gender Identity Support Group http://www.sacgender.org
Video tribute at

Ouch

no

 
Except by the grace of God, go I.

Rest in Peace, Dear Sister.

so much sadness

Please tell me , is this true?

Dear Gods that I call on even though I cannot believe in you. Help this blessed soul.

Cindy