Since I went full time, I have always had long thick hair as you can see in my avatar. I had a hair stylist that knew I was trans and he has cut my hair really well for several years.  Well, it was time for a new cut as my hair was down my back and looking unkempt no matter what I did.  My SO felt it looked to severe.  She suggested a layered look with bangs and gave me a photo of a very beautiful woman who had the style she thought would look good on me.  I agreed and took it to my stylist.  He has been cutting hair since the 1960's and has done hair styles for Doris Day, Kim Novak and a host of other stars. 

He was actually thinking of a layered style for me and was planning to suggest it so when he saw the photograph he readily agreed to do it. 

An hour and a half later, I was sitting in the chair with more hair on the floor than I have ever seen. It was coming off my head in hanks.  I began to get nervous.  When he was almost finished, another stylist came over to say how pretty my cut looked and that it was a SHAG style from the 1970s!   Then the stylist turned me to the mirror and indeed it was!  He took the photo and showed me that the hair was not real but photoshopped and no hair could be cut that way.  The cut I wanted was basically what I had before with bangs and some layering.   I am beginning to wonder if he cut my hair this way deliberately.

My SO said all the right things but finally she said that I should never go back to the guy again and that this was not my best style.   She also said that I should go see another stylist to get it fixed.  That would mean it would be even shorter.   However, finding a hair stylist that is trans friendly is not easy.  Because I have some beard stubble, I can't pass when someone brushes their hand against my face. 

The hair I have now is actually in parts as short as it was when I was presenting as a male.  It is also long in sections down to my shoulders.   She says that if I pull my hair behind my ears and move the bangs aside, I look better but that also means more of my beard shows and the small area where I have a receding hair line becomes prominent. 

So now I am left with the feeling that I don't want to leave the house.  We are going to a Paula Poundstone concert on Sunday.

To make matters worse, my SO just called and suggested that we go buy a wig for me.  I guess that says it all about just how bad my hair looks.  BTW, her hair is cut very short but she is very pretty so she looks nice. She doesn't like feminine styles.

I so do not want to wear a wig. My hair is still thick so it will be hot and awkward. 

The other thing is that I probably will have to go ahead and get the long parts removed so it grows out looking halfway decent.  As a result, at best, I'll look like a butch lesbian and at worst, a man.  For a femme, this is devastating.

Maggie

I don't know any girl who hasn't had to deal with a haircutting nightmare at one time or another. Personally, I think it might not be a bad idea to give a new styist a try (something we should all do every half century or so, I think!). For the moment, just do what every other girl does: wear a hat and admit to getting a bad cut. The other gals should cringe and understand.

Lyric

I think your SO was trying to help you feel better - or like there was a solution.  I know the wig idea seems harsh... but if it lets you relax about how you look it might be a good thing for a short while.

The one good thing about hair is that it does grow back !!  Going to another stylist and getting it adjusted sounds like the right thing.   Not sure how to help find a Trans friendly shop in your area, but ask around !!

Good luck   

A possible alternative to the wig might be hair extensions to fill -out whilst your own hair grows back a little ?

(I've recently had a hair nightmare and you have my sympathy.
What the hell is it with hairdressers that they just DON'T LISTEN ?  )

I have an appt. at 3 this afternoon with a highly recommended stylist who says he thinks he can do something with it.  I'll probably end up with a butch cut but it is better than having hair looking like it got caught in a lawnmower.  Maybe he will do hair extensions.

Maggie

Yes. I know you feeling.

About 6 years ago, when the hairdresser made my hair short, I was near to cry while driving in the car with my wife (afterward, my wife confessed that she asked the hairdresser to do that). At that time, I thought I am a kind of macho, but strangely the shortened hair made me so sad.

It seems that there is not so much option left except wearing a wig. You may wailt until your hair grow enough...

For beard stubble, you may purchase a pair of sharp tweezers to root out them. Most inexpensive tweezers can not do that, but some nice ones can do that. In my country, they cost just about US$3, and are so sharp to allow me to pluck oute every tiny, deep rooted hair in my beard area.

Barbie~~

I am back from my new hair salon. I went in wearing a hat.  When I took it off the staff were shocked. The stylist was shocked at the state of my cut. Apparently my former stylist just left the job half done and far too much was taken off the top.  The new guy studied it for a while then suggested some fixes. The result, is the new style I have is probably better than the one I was shooting for! He is a miracle worker.  I feel fantastic. I paid him a handsome tip.  Now, I am going to go drink too much wine. If you are in Monterey Ca and need a style, go to Studio 519.  FANTASTIC!

Maggie

Glad that you got sorted hun   

Quote from: barbie on September 09, 2009, 01:50:19 PM
For beard stubble, you may purchase a pair of sharp tweezers to root out them. Most inexpensive tweezers can not do that, but some nice ones can do that. In my country, they cost just about US$3, and are so sharp to allow me to pluck oute every tiny, deep rooted hair in my beard area.

I plucked out half my facial hair the other day and it was such a relief.  Not even that painful, of course I didn't do the chin/lip area yet

Oh Maggie, how wonderful the new place was able to fix it.   And no comments on stubble?

I've been going to the same hairdresser for about two years.  She's very talented and has adopted me as her project through my transition, but this last cut (see avatar) is definitely not what I wanted (too short, too straight, too much work in the morning, squares my jaw [a no-no], etc.).  I might have to go back and get her to fix it.  You give me hope, Maggie.

*hugs*
Kate

Quote from: K8 on September 09, 2009, 07:57:52 PM
Oh Maggie, how wonderful the new place was able to fix it.   And no comments on stubble?

I've been going to the same hairdresser for about two years.  She's very talented and has adopted me as her project through my transition, but this last cut (see avatar) is definitely not what I wanted (too short, too straight, too much work in the morning, squares my jaw [a no-no], etc.).  I might have to go back and get her to fix it.  You give me hope, Maggie.

*hugs*
Kate

Hi Kate,
Thanks, it was a wonderful relief to have that mess fixed. The cut isn't perfect as it is too short on top but now it is not very noticeable. In a couple months, I'll have enough hair to get what I went for.  BTW, I showed the new stylist the same photo as I did the last one and he said that the cut was easy to do.  My old stylist was not telling me the truth.

As for the stubble, I went through the whole process and not one hint of being read or if I was, nobody even flinched.  I did shave just before I went just in case.

Maggie

I'm so afraid of a similar situation. I really want to try a new cut, but I'm afraid of the whole awkwardness of "Hi, any of your stylists trans friendly?", throwing myself into that, putting my trust in someone's hands, and afraid that a new cut won't look right on me. Doesn't help that I've had the same cut my whole life, basically, just different lengths.

What a heart-stopper that had to be, Maggie, I'm so glad it worked out.

Maggie, the issue of your stubble brings up another point.

Today is werewolf day for me – I have electrolysis tomorrow afternoon and so didn't shave this morning and won't tomorrow morning.  But I have an appointment at the dump this afternoon to dispose of some hazardous waste.  (Poor planning. )  I don't expect any problems.  Yes, I live in a surprisingly accepting area, but it is an area that most people wouldn't think would be accepting.

My experience is of this area and some others, so perhaps I'm off base here, but I think it can be a mistake to worry about finding a "trans-friendly" place.  It would be good to avoid any trans-unfriendly places that you know of, but in my limited experience most places are trans-neutral.  I think reducing your options to only trans-friendly, or even worrying about it and going through the hassle of seeking them out, is not worth it.

As always, your results may vary.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on September 10, 2009, 09:37:01 AM
Maggie, the issue of your stubble brings up another point.

Today is werewolf day for me – I have electrolysis tomorrow afternoon and so didn't shave this morning and won't tomorrow morning.  But I have an appointment at the dump this afternoon to dispose of some hazardous waste.  (Poor planning. )  I don't expect any problems.  Yes, I live in a surprisingly accepting area, but it is an area that most people wouldn't think would be accepting.

My experience is of this area and some others, so perhaps I'm off base here, but I think it can be a mistake to worry about finding a "trans-friendly" place.  It would be good to avoid any trans-unfriendly places that you know of, but in my limited experience most places are trans-neutral.  I think reducing your options to only trans-friendly, or even worrying about it and going through the hassle of seeking them out, is not worth it.

As always, your results may vary.

- Kate

Kate,
Well, from what I found and I live in coastal California and in the home city of Leon Panetta is that it is hit or miss.  Some places are friendly and even welcoming yet others are about as hostile as you can get.  There have been several transwomen murders in this part of California in the past years in the greater SF area.  So even in the most accepting regions, things aren't competely safe. 

I'll give you a couple of examples.  The first person that I came out to was my long time dentist.  Our family had been seeing him for over a decade and he was the most friendly dentist I ever had.  I was completely at home with him so it was natural for me to see him when I went full time and tell him my story.  He said that I was so courageous and wished me the very best.  The office staff almost glowed.  I had him do five crowns and a bridge which netted him a tidy sum. 

Then a few months later the anti-gay Prop 8 came and passed.  I went back for a checkup and cleaning but he would not examine me and I was told "The Doctor will examine your x-rays and let you know if you have any issues"  Then I was escorted out. I passed an exam room where he was working and he waved at me.  This was very odd because he always came in specifically to greet me and shake my hand.  Now, he won't even look into my mouth?

It was a month later when I looked at the donors of Prop 8 and found that he donated $500 towards Prop 8.  I was floored.  I called up nearly in tears and canceled my next appt my account as did my SO and my daughter.  The staff said that they understood.  I felt like I was some kind of vermin. 

As for hair care, one of our local columnists wrote a piece recently about her experience with getting a wig.  She went with a transwoman to the wig shop.  The people there were rude and mocking to this transwoman who left in tears. 

Another close friend of mine living full time, went to a Chile's restaurant alone to eat dinner.  She didn't pass that well and the waitress ignored her for half an hour while serving people sitting all around her who came in later.  She finally just left.

I went to a local eatery with her last year and the waiter served our meals with no napkins.  When I asked the waiter for some, he went into the restroom and brought out brown paper towels for us. 

So one does have to worry about the issue.  My beard is light red or white and very fine hair so unless somebody looks for it, my beard is not an issue.  However, when I got my hair cut, the shampoo resulted in my hair being slicked back on my face which made me look really really masculine. I still have some receding hairline so looking at the image was painful.  Fortunately, I kept smiling and had some subtle makeup which allowed me to still have some feminine character.  The stylist was a man in his thirties or early forties.  He couldn't have been nicer. 


Maggie

Maggie,

Maggie and Heather, *hugs* to you both.  I'm sorry.  

I need to keep my mouth shut.  My experience has been very unusual.  There was a transwoman murdered near here last year (young, heading toward physical intimacy, supposedly killed when her assailant discovered she was not female "down there"). 

But my experience has been very good.  My sister asked if I thought perhaps I am living in a fool's paradise.  Perhaps I am.  And perhaps I am the fool for not realizing it.

I wish the blessings of full acceptance on all of us.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on September 10, 2009, 01:16:37 PM
Maggie and Heather, *hugs* to you both.  I'm sorry.  

I need to keep my mouth shut.  My experience has been very unusual.  There was a transwoman murdered near here last year (young, heading toward physical intimacy, supposedly killed when her assailant discovered she was not female "down there"). 

But my experience has been very good.  My sister asked if I thought perhaps I am living in a fool's paradise.  Perhaps I am.  And perhaps I am the fool for not realizing it.

I wish the blessings of full acceptance on all of us.

- Kate

Kate,
I was not upset by your comments in the least.  I am very pleased that you can go about your life unfettered with these things.  I think it is wise to be mindful that even in the most accepting area, you may find ONE person who will give you a hard time and that ONE person may cause great harm. 

Before I had my act together I was trying to look androgynous in all women's clothes with a long pony tail and a women's hat.  I was only fooling myself because many called me Ma'am.  I was sitting in an outdoor cafe area of a coffee shop downtown Santa Cruz where gay and lesbian people congregate.  There were gay men walking up and down the street arm in arm.  I noticed a lone man sitting on top of a public bench outside the cafe area who was staring at me.  He began to pace back and forth glaring at me.  Finally, he leaned over the partition and said, "I am going to kill you"  and walked down the street.   My SO was with me and she heard it too.  We just sat there in the midst of the other people who didn't hear it.  We didn't know what to do.  Then a policeman walked into the coffee shop and the man ran down the street. 

Santa Cruz is really really LBGT friendly. So if it can happen there, it can happen anywhere.  It only takes ONE so be aware of the possibility.

Maggie

Quote from: Maggie Kay on September 10, 2009, 01:34:30 PMSanta Cruz is really really LBGT friendly. So if it can happen there, it can happen anywhere.  It only takes ONE so be aware of the possibility.

Maggie

OMG. What a mess there.

Although people here can not like me, they never threaten me.

Regarding hair salon, all of hairdressers have to be trans-friendly because they know very well that I am a profitable customer unlike other ordinary men. They treat me so well, far better than any female customers.

In doctor's office, they do care for my privacy. In once case, cashiers and nurses there called my real manly name in the waiting room, and I asked later them to call me as my daughter's name. They just accept my request, calling me as my daughter's name.

I think the attitude of religion is the major factor. In our history, we have had no religious war or conflict, even after the aggressive Christianism was imported to our soil (although they sometimes make some fusses, for exampling setting fire to Buddhists' temples). However, even most Christians here do not like those aggressive and hostile acts and attitudes of other Christians.

Barbie~~

Quote from: K8 on September 10, 2009, 01:16:37 PM
Maggie and Heather, *hugs* to you both.  I'm sorry.  

I need to keep my mouth shut.  My experience has been very unusual.  There was a transwoman murdered near here last year (young, heading toward physical intimacy, supposedly killed when her assailant discovered she was not female "down there"). 

But my experience has been very good.  My sister asked if I thought perhaps I am living in a fool's paradise.  Perhaps I am.  And perhaps I am the fool for not realizing it.

I wish the blessings of full acceptance on all of us.

- Kate

Overall my experience has been similarly positive, until recently.  I had to change my name on some land documents and had to notarize some papers under my F name.  All was fine and funny until she read the court ordered name change.  I thought hell froze over in that room.  I hurried up and finished my business and hightailed it out of there.

Sucks.

Jay