So, as the title may suggest, I have a problem. In the form of a boy. A rather special boy... who doesn't know about me. >.<
We've been together since after I started questioning. However I wasn't out to anyone at that point, because I wanted to "make sure", before I told anyone. He's been gone over the summer, for almost 2 months, which, rather inconveniently, was when I finally accepted myself as trans. He is going to be home tomorrow, and I don't know what to do. I *think* he would be okay with me, but I'm still worried. I also have gotten suggestions from my friends not to tell him right away, which I think is a good idea. But it does feel like lying to him, after I've already been lying to him all this time.
I guess I just need some suggestions as to how, when, etc. Or just how not to. That's helpful too.

Be with him for few days and have a great time.
After that, while having a great time alone, tell him.

Not instantly, but you'd be making sure he can't really "not love" you.

In my opinion you have to tell him if you want to be yourself and keep him as a boyfriend or a friend.

Good luck

The longer you wait the more you'll hurt him by saying nothing.

It might be best to pick and choose, when and where, but don't take too long.
Sooner or later you have to tell him the truth, whichever way you take to it.

Yeah, I really do want to tell him as soon as possible.
My friend says I should wait a month at least... ><
But like I said, it just feels like lying...I'd rather just get it over with, no matter the outcome. I'd prefer an outcome where we could stay together, but it's obviously not entirely up to me.

There is probably no good time, but earlier is going to be better than latter.

Yup, be prepared for a break-up and jejection. It may not happen but it is a possibility.

Best of luck!

Well I don't really have a reason to think he would. We started talking about ->-bleeped-<- once completely randomly - well, with a little planting on my part - and he just said, "I love whether you're a boy or a girl." But I know we were pretty much just joking around and it's not necessarily an indicator of how he'd react in a serious situation. :/

I agree that you need to tell him soon, because every day you don't tell him makes the lie bigger.

But be prepared.  He might love you anyway, but not necessarily be prepared to change his gender preference from straight to bi/gay in the public realm.

I would do what someone already said and have a good first day or two back. But then tell him before too much time passes. If you explain how you feel both about yourself and about him you're doing all you can to make the situation work. then its up to him.

Quote from: GinaDouglas on September 02, 2009, 03:29:18 PM
I agree that you need to tell him soon, because every day you don't tell him makes the lie bigger.

But be prepared.  He might love you anyway, but not necessarily be prepared to change his gender preference from straight to bi/gay in the public realm.

Well, that's one perk of having a boyfriend who is...already bi. one thing that might make this whole awkward situation a little easier...

i just saw him today. I didn't tell him anything yet. In a couple days I will.

Just because someone may be bisexual does not mean they're interested in having a relationship with someone who has incongruencies in their presentation or genitals.  Not to mention that transition is an extremely stressful and requires a great deal of selfishness.

Quote from: Aaron22 on September 01, 2009, 08:47:19 PMhe just said, "I love whether you're a boy or a girl." But I know we were pretty much just joking around and it's not necessarily an indicator of how he'd react in a serious situation. :/

That's what my GF said ...... once it looked more imminant and we'd been together long enough for her to see what a "guy" I am, the tune changed.

Quote from: Alex_C on September 03, 2009, 02:42:17 AM
That's what my GF said ...... once it looked more imminant and we'd been together long enough for her to see what a "guy" I am, the tune changed.

similar story here, boyfriend seemed very accepting until things started getting changed over legally and he realised I was 100% serious

Most relationships don't survive transition, the partner often feels like the person they fell in love with is disappearing and changing in to someone completely different

I wish you all the luck. The only piece of advice I can give you is that sooner is better than later!

Jay

Difficult as ever,
I agree with those who said soon. It's, at the least, rude not to tell him, and the most you are lieing in a personal relationship. That he is Bi may make little difference. Sorry, I hope it works out but I'm not totally optimistic. Good Luck though.

Cindy

Be truthful, and know that you'll probably lose him. But, maybe not!

Well, I just sent him an email saying I'd like to talk to him about something and asking if he could hang out tomorrow. So, we'll see what happens....

Good luck Aaron.

Good luck Aaron. There's a slim chance it might work out, but in the long run it probably won't. Someone may be O.K. and accepting with it at first, but the farther you go into transition and change the bigger the chance of them no longer being interested in you. You will literally change into a new man .

We need to be realistic too on what this does to the partner. If a straight man was dating a woman, then that woman ended up being a transman and started transitioning and physically becoming a man... it makes sense he'd no longer be interested. He's not gay and not attracted to men at all. Same goes for a woman in a lesbian relationship. We can't expect people to change their sexuality just for us, just like we have to transition because we can't live this way any longer. It will be tough, but you're being honest with him and yourself. It's the right thing to do. I wasted alot of time living that lie... I don't recommend it.

No matter what happens you did the right thing for him and you.

IMO a month is a little too long to wait to tell your guy.

Quote from: Myself on August 31, 2009, 12:11:51 PM
Be with him for few days and have a great time.
After that, while having a great time alone, tell him.

Not instantly, but you'd be making sure he can't really "not love" you.

In my opinion you have to tell him if you want to be yourself and keep him as a boyfriend or a friend.

Good luck

I agree with Myself. (LOL)

I myself have a boyfriend who still is getting used to my transitioning. (To make a long story short: we were friends before I moved to another continent, we kept in touch with email, eventually fell in love, and I told him I was ->-bleeped-<- around a year before I moved back to the US and saw him after 5 yrs apart.) He's having a slightly harder time now that I'm more physical with my transing, i.e. I'm binding and using the men's which disturbs him slightly, lol. I'm sad to hear that ->-bleeped-<-'s partners don't often 'stick', cos my guy is very sweet and honestly lives for my happiness.

Well, I talked to my now ex boyfriend today.
He didn't break up with me because I'm trans. He broke up with me because (his exact words) "I don't love you. I don't think I ever did."
The way he described it to me was that to him, this was like a chess game. The way he plays chess is, he sets up all these little traps, and then waits for the opponent to make a mistake and be vulnerable. Then, he rips them to pieces.
Or in this case, he tries. I actually don't feel any sadness right now. I'm not sure if I'm still in shock or what. He thought I was angry when I talked to him, but I actually was completely calm through the entire thing. O.o
Right now the only thing I really feel, is relief. I told him what I have wanted to tell him for a really long time. If that's the moment he chose to break  up with me, it was well planned, but he misunderstood me. I have known there was something going on with him ever since he got back. He told me it was just being stoned on his meds. (He's adhd but goes off his meds in the summer) I've kind of been psyching myself up for a break ever since I accepted myself. And I suppose a break does simplify things quite a bit, with transitioning and all.