Quote from: Marco on September 01, 2006, 11:42:44 AM
Melissa,
   Your divorce needs to move to the part where you sell the house and split the money so you can move on. Dang that is so bad she is being like that. I read stuff like this and realize how lucky I am that my ex is taking care of the kids. Well, 3 of them anyway.
I hope you can get out of that situation sooner tha later. Does she forget those are her kids too?

Another problem is that the kids literally work at destroying the house during the day while she is supposedly "watching" them.   They have cut holes in walls, permanently colored large portions of walls, stained just about every carpet in the house, ruined at least 4 doors, etc.  The house is not even worth what I paid for it, so in selling it, I would end up owing a large portion of money.  And it gets worse every day.  She says she watches them during the day every time I complain about having no time to myself.  Then if I bring up the kids ruining the house, large arguments start and that's why it's so bad at home.

I hope I can get out too.  I'm afraid that because she's the "wife" and jobless, she'll get a large alimony and custody of the kids.  It's so unfair.  I just can't win.

Melissa
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 09:51:23 AM

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Quote from: Mikko on September 01, 2006, 11:43:23 AM
Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry...  (Hugs)

I'm worried that my relationship will also fall aprat when I start to chage...  I know Justin won't cheat on me but he also won't be *attracted* to me anymore, and I don't know if I can handle being cut off physically.

Things would be so much easier if everyone in the world was bi.

Thanks Mikko.  That means a lot.  I hope your relationship goes ok as well.  That's why I don't recommend marriage before transition.  It makes things less complicated.  It would be easier if we were all bi.

This morning I woke up from my nightmares and I just started crying because everything came to me in a moment of clarity and I ended up going over to the chat room and Chatting with Alice and a couple other and that helped me feel somewhat better.  At least I stopped crying.

Melissa

It might still just be better to be away from her, in spite of all the things that are going to take a step backwards.  It sounds like they're *all* trying to punish you, really.

Quote from: BrandiOK on September 01, 2006, 11:46:06 AM
I'm sorry to hear that Melissa.  I obviously don't know as much about your situation as most on here but maybe it's time to take back control of your life and let that part of it go.  Sounds like she has made her position clear by action if not words.  I've never been married so I guess I can't really offer any "from experience" type of advice.  I hope things get better for you.

Who said I was holding onto anything?  I'm more than ready to be done with the marriage.  We need to finish filling out the papers, but she seems to never be around.

Melissa
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 09:56:31 AM

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Quote from: Kate on September 01, 2006, 11:47:36 AM
It sounds like she's determined to punish you

Quote from: Mikko on September 01, 2006, 11:55:59 AM
It might still just be better to be away from her, in spite of all the things that are going to take a step backwards.  It sounds like they're *all* trying to punish you, really.

Yeah, it seems that way, doesn't it.   I'm just trying to be a good person and hold my life together as well as I can. 

Melissa

Ah...I understand. Sorry, I didn't know all the details so I was just trying to offer some general advice.

I am so sorry to hear that Melisa hun. I divorced my wife 25 years ago. That was not a very nice experience either. She was abusive physically and mentally. Hey I only weigh 115 lbs soak and wet and 5' 3" tall. she was nearly twice as heavy as me and taller. Finally I left her with everything the house the money and the kids. and moved down to Tennessee and I live in central Ontario Can. That was how badly I wanted to get lost from her. I lived in Tennessee for nearly two years and hten had to move back to Ontario. I was a very sick person for a number of years and that was the reason I moved back, for hospital coverage. I am doing fine now I been married to another Tgirl for the past two years and she is as protective of me as a mother bear. I love the atention. )

Cin   

Yeah, it may come down to doing something like that.

Melissa

Melissa,

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.  Remember to make yourself your first priority.  You won't be any good to your kids or anyone else if you aren't taken care of!!

(((HUGS)))
Ginger

So, I'm a little late in joining the discussion, but...

Can I just say up untill the part of mariage, you just described me to a T. Seriously, everything about your chiildhood that you decsribed here, could have come out of my own mouth. as for the wife...well I was engaged and if I hadn't realized how much of a psycho-hose-beast she was before walking down any isles, things would have been a disaster. that was 3 years ago before I figured anything out, however she did participate in my cross dressing and actually liked playing doll with me...

I have serious temporary hobby syndrome, it sucks some times because I get all excited about something new and then i just lose intrest. I feer that in chosing my career I'll have a simmilar problem. I'm currently aiming for Elecrical Engineering, Like you, I have always been an elecrtonics nerd... But as I think about things, was never creating something new or designing them, but figuring out how they worked....I do that with so many things and have spent the last couple years very interested in the inner workings of the human mind...I'm taking a Psych class this semester and, well, I love it... maybe a change to a psych major?

Quote from: Melissa on August 30, 2006, 10:28:06 AM
  I had another fear that my motivations for wanting to transition may have been for the wrong reasons and that was why I had to look over my life so carefully and make sure this wasn't something I just decided or wanted.

yeah thats where I'm at right now, and I think a part of this being a little difficult is that we're trying to distinguish the difference between something we want from something we want and need.

Quote from: Melissa on August 30, 2006, 10:28:06 AM
I suppose it was suicidal thoughts and an actual suicide attempt that really made me realize this was far more serious than just wanting to be a woman.

I wonder what will happen to me that will impact me the way suiside attepts do to many people...I know I'm incapable of even the thought of suicide, I fear death to death... when I was younger I would cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking about how I didnt want to die, and there was nothing I could do about it when the time comes...chances are if anything it would be a severe depression, just wanting to sleep all the time, not killing myself but just not living anymore, you know?

I think we're (by we I mean not primary or secondary but those in the middle who dont realize what the deal is until about 20ish but without the "I am a girl" thing as children) much more common than anyone gives us credit for. I think it makes it hard because we dont fit the mold that others have set for us to fit into. I dont like to fit into molds anyway, I'm just me and do what I need to do to be happy.

So, enough about me here, I'm glad to hear that you're not dwelling on trying to keep a seemingly hopeless marriage, it saddens me that you'll likely have to play tug of war with your kids, as it seems that they would likely get the love and attention they need from you more than your wife. I hope the courts can see that and dont let the whole TS thing cloud thier judgement on the matter. the fact that she's jobless and you're not may work in your favor. I really hope to see things go good for you.

Ellissa

Quote from: gin on September 01, 2006, 01:57:31 PM
Melissa,

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.  Remember to make yourself your first priority.  You won't be any good to your kids or anyone else if you aren't taken care of!!

(((HUGS)))
Ginger

Yeah, I did that already.  Now that I'm a fulltime woman, gender issues don't seem to weigh as heavily on me as the other problems.  Thanks for the hugs.

Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
Can I just say up untill the part of mariage, you just described me to a T. Seriously, everything about your chiildhood that you decsribed here, could have come out of my own mouth.

Interesting, I didn't think anybody went through exactly the same thing as me.  That's reassuring.

Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I have serious temporary hobby syndrome, it sucks some times because I get all excited about something new and then i just lose intrest.

I love that name for it.   If you read the symtoms for ADD, it sounds strikingly similar.  I was diagnosed with ADD as a child and never felt it went away.  I found coping mechanisms, but they don't always work.  I still do the hobby thing, but now I just do it for fun rather than seeking happiness.  Right now I'm into Tarot Cards, which I almost started a few years ago.

When I figured out my gender issues, I'm sure my parents thought it was just another "hoddy", so I think they're waiting for me to lose interest.  The thing is, it's been a constant in my life since I was a little kid even throughout all my hobbies.  Like I said, I'm still doing the hobby thing even with my gender issues.

Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I feer that in chosing my career I'll have a simmilar problem. I'm currently aiming for Elecrical Engineering, Like you, I have always been an elecrtonics nerd... But as I think about things, was never creating something new or designing them, but figuring out how they worked....I do that with so many things and have spent the last couple years very interested in the inner workings of the human mind...I'm taking a Psych class this semester and, well, I love it... maybe a change to a psych major?

Don't switch majors so fast.  Starting a new hobby is like starting a new relationship.  The euphoria you feel at the beginning will never be what it's like in 5 or 10 years.  I've been doing computer programming since I was 15 and have switched to quite a few different languages, but I finally settled on PHP about 4 years ago and have stuck with that ever since.  It's a good language and I'm always able to try new things and make stuff better, so the learning seems to always be there.  I'm also very good at what I do.  My point is, you should choose something you are good at that you don't mind doing.  There are so many times I considered switching majors, but with what I get paid now, I'm glad I didn't.

Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
yeah thats where I'm at right now, and I think a part of this being a little difficult is that we're trying to distinguish the difference between something we want from something we want and need.

Yes, I agree.

Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I wonder what will happen to me that will impact me the way suiside attepts do to many people...I know I'm incapable of even the thought of suicide, I fear death to death... when I was younger I would cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking about how I didnt want to die, and there was nothing I could do about it when the time comes...chances are if anything it would be a severe depression, just wanting to sleep all the time, not killing myself but just not living anymore, you know?

One thing I've noticed about my suicidal thoughts is they have always been linked to thoughts of not being able to transition.  If somebody suggested I had to live as male longer or anything that would cause that, I would instantly get suicidal thoughts.  It's when I believed those suggestions that I did the suicide attempts.

Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I think we're (by we I mean not primary or secondary but those in the middle who dont realize what the deal is until about 20ish but without the "I am a girl" thing as children) much more common than anyone gives us credit for. I think it makes it hard because we dont fit the mold that others have set for us to fit into. I dont like to fit into molds anyway, I'm just me and do what I need to do to be happy.

It could be.  I also wonder if the late transitioners would have transitioned sooner if they had the resources available to them at our age that we do now.  I knew I had to act immediately as soon as I found out because of my age and how testosterone affects people.  It wasn't until much later that I realized my body wasn't typical and I hadn't been affected as much as somebody else my age.  Also, HRT had much more dramatic effects on me than the typical person as well.  For that I feel fortunate.  In fact, I feel I was meant to be female.

Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
So, enough about me here, I'm glad to hear that you're not dwelling on trying to keep a seemingly hopeless marriage, it saddens me that you'll likely have to play tug of war with your kids, as it seems that they would likely get the love and attention they need from you more than your wife. I hope the courts can see that and dont let the whole TS thing cloud thier judgement on the matter. the fact that she's jobless and you're not may work in your favor. I really hope to see things go good for you.

Well, the thing is that we have discussed the kids and she knows she has a hard time taking care of them, so she's not opposed to equal custody.

Thanks for the great reply.

Melissa

Hi Ellissa hun

Taking psych lessons is great if you have a desire to work with people. I worked as a social worker for seventeen years the last five as Cindy. I have worked with recovering alcoholics, addicts in recovery programs as a counselor then I went on to work with street people and and abused moms and children. The last job I had I worked with mental health consumers. It is not easy work but if one has empathy and compassion it can be gratifying work.

Now that I am retired I am working on putting together a cyber school for highly intuitive children diagnosed with ADD/HD. To help parents with home schooling their children.

Cin

Edit: removed URL - Kate

Guess I'm another "in the middle" type - neither "classic" nor late in life. A lot of what you wrote in your opening post I can relate to. overall it was similar for me, although I didn't marry.

Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 03:04:14 PMOne thing I've noticed about my suicidal thoughts is they have always been linked to thoughts of not being able to transition. If somebody suggested I had to live as male longer or anything that would cause that, I would instantly get suicidal thoughts. It's when I believed those suggestions that I did the suicide attempts.

Same here. I saw it as a way out in case things ever get hopeless. Also whenever the possibility exists of going back to a situation that's not conducive to going forward, I've been known to react with an attitude of I'm doing this whether everybody else likes it or not. (And whether it puts me in a grave or not. )

But I've developed a coping mechanism. I've seen the physical changes, I've seen my real self and how I'm outwardly becoming more and more congruent. I try seeing my true self from the point of view of an outsider, and I find I can't make her cease to be. She has a right to exist, and she's me.

Yeah, I used the chatroom this morning to help dry the tears. Thanks.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 03:04:14 PM
When I figured out my gender issues, I'm sure my parents thought it was just another "hoddy", so I think they're waiting for me to lose interest.

Same here, They my mom mentioned one of the times I thought about starting up a business with one of my friends but we never went anywhere with it... I admit I'v done that type of thing many times, therefore I can't really blame them for thinking this would be no different. they just dont know how deep rooted and long therm this thing really is. though I only recently came to know what "this" is I've been dealing with it for as long as i can remember, as repressed as it may have been.

Like you said you wanted to get started because of your age and didn't want forther hormone "dammage", yeah I feel very much the same way, I do however want to make sure I'm right before diving in....so I'm giving myself 6 months from the time I came out to my parental units before I start anything, If I still feel the same, then green light. 6 months far excedes my normal temporary hobby's life span. ahh a reason to look forward to the new year.

Hi Mellisa I really feel for you I went through the same thing and ended up loosing house property and kids. But it was way different in my day it was almost a hands down loose situation when it came to fathers getting custody of children unless the mother was proven unfit. The law has changed a lot in that respect today. 

First where do you live, and two, do you have a lawyer?
My partner understand a few things about divorces and effective lawyers. If we can help you just let us know.

Cin

I know I've mentioned this before, but me and my wife seem to have a very volatile relationship.  First of all, with her dating other guys, I have no problem.  I want her to be happy and I could never fullfill the role of a man.  Besides, I am open to the same freedom and it's not really "cheating" as we are open about it and agreed to it - basically an "open relationship".  So, I'm all stressed out about her and we end up going out tonight a girlfriends.  It worked out well and I had a great time.  I'll post about the evening in another thread as I did some things I hadn't done before and passed.  We go from hating each other to being best friends in the blink of an eye.  I don't understand it, but that's how it is. 

Melissa

Melissa,

Hi!! It's Julie from the BL boards.

I dont think there is any rigid criteria that determines who or what a transsexual is or how transsexualisim is truly percieved by peers or the"gatekeepers".
With that said, your experience is unique to you just as mine is to me.
How we grew up and how we percieved ourselves is as diverse as there are fish in the sea.
Just because you didnt play with dolls doesnt mean that you are male or female it just means you didnt play with dolls. Just because a T-girl worked on cars and dated alot of women doesnt mean she is any less of a woman.
Yes Melissa you did  try very very hard to "work" within the boundries given to you early on.
You came to the realization that you are TS and you are.
You know your soul and that is of a female.
Melissa, honour the tremindous gift that was bestowed upon you by continuing to be who you are!!

Much love to you Melissa!!     

Julie

Thanks Julie and it's good to see you here.  Yes, I know without a doubt that I am female.  I suspected I was at first, and started trying to see how the world reflected back on me when I tried to be female and it responded with "yes I am female".  Everyone sees me as female on a day-to-day basis and I am far happier than I ever was as male.  That is the important part.  It just feels right.  I find it far easier being female for me than "trying" to be male.
I am now finding out that there are a lot more people like me.  I think when it was originally assumed that there were "early transitioner" and "late transitioners", there seems to be a lot of people in the middle who tried living their life like me.  Where we tried being somebody we were not just because we were told we were supposed to be and I think we tend to come off as "unconventional".  I think that's one reason there has been so much response to this thread.
So my point is that, regardless of my past, I eventually came to realize that I am in fact female.  Thank you again for your comments Julie.

Melissa

Hi Melisa hun as long as you feel comfortable with who you are (the true inner self) Then that is who you are. My favorite saying in other groups I go to is I am who I am

Transitioning and integrating with other women was not difficult for me since I spent more time with women then I did with guys. As a male my appearance was androgynous, always wore my hair shoulder length. Worked at different jobs where it was mostly female employees and the last five years of my employment as a woman was as a social worker, I believe I mentioned that before a few posts ago.

I have long ago stopped identifying as transsexual. I just came back to this group more from curiosity to see if there was anyone still here from when I was here six years ago.   

Cin

That's good to hear Cin.  I spent more time with men, yet adapted to living among women with surprising ease.  I hope you're able to stick around.

Melissa

Hi Mellisa hun, I'll be around for a while. I'm kind of like a rescuer I go to more boards on Yahoo Groups then I can remember to count them. Got two Yahoo groups of my own, keeps me busy especially during the cold weather time.

I thought I would check if I knew anyone from six years ago but not. May as well stick around and see if there is anyone that can learn from an old bat like me....er I mean elder lady. 

Cin