Hi, my name is Chris. I'm 22, male, and ready to pull my hair out, lol. I don't know where to begin, so lets just start from the beginning.

When I was young, ~6-7, I can remember having issues with being a boy. One day I fell down in my uncles driveway and scrapped my knee, I laid down and started crying. My uncle then said "stop crying and be a man". It was something about the "being a man" part that stuck a nerve, it angered me that he called me that. Throughout my childhood things remained somewhat "normal". However, thanking back I can remember simply not being like the other boys. I never fit in and didn't have many (read, none) friends. 

Fast forward to when I was about 15, I started to noticed that I didn't like to be "manly". I didn't want to workout and get muscles, I thought it was disgusting. I didn't like to wear shorts because it showed my hairy legs. As years went on, it started to get "worse". I stopped looking at myself in the mirror, not that I ever enjoyed it anyways.

At around 19, I came to the realization that I simply didn't like being a man. That much was clear enough. But if I'm not a man, what I'm I? For awhile I was content simple being a feminine guy, shaved my whole body, grew my hair long (or tried,lol), and even had long painted fingernails, although I only used black nail polished so I could pass it off as a metal music fan thing or something. But lately ("lately" being the past two years) it doesn't seem like enough. I thank it was more or less brought on when I tried on a dress of my cousins one day, it felt....right.

The thought of transitioning to female crossed my mind, but I'm not sure it that's right for me. I would love to have a feminine body,and be able to pass in public wearing women's cloths. But, I wouldn't want to "get rid" of my penis. It's just something I don't feel comfortable altering. Then comes the subject of HRT. I like a lot of the affects of HRT, however with some, not so much. For example I've read that there will be a "Increased female-type sex drive/attraction to men". I'm not sure how rare it is in MTF cases, but I'm firmly attracted to women, and would like to stay that way. Not that there is anything wrong with being attracted to men of course, I just don't like the fact of my mentality changing that drastically. I currently have a very high (maybe too high) male sex drive. I wouldn't mind that sex drive dropping off some, or even a lot, but I'm unsure if I want it to disappear completely.

So as you can see, I'm thoroughly confused,lol. I know there is a lot more reading I have to do, but at times information gets so conflicting and confusing it becomes unbearable.

I'm just so lost.

Hey you, your'e lost but not alone. Welcome 

Hi Chris and welcome to Susan's.

HRT has different effects on any individual. You may or may not develop and attraction to men. That part is not a given. I think as you read more you will find that while some people's orientation seems to change , that others do not.

Welcome to Susan's, Chris.  You are joining a lot of other confused people here and many more who were previously confused. 

Just because you like some aspects of being female doesn't mean you have to transition.  There are lots of different possibilities.  I know it is confusing.  (I know it is confusing.)  At 22 you have lots of time to think and explore.  It might help you talk about this with someone you trust.  Or just jump into the forum threads and "talk" to us.

My orientation is changing (from women to men) on HRT, but I always feel like I have to defend that it is real because so many others don't change their orientation.  I don't know that there's any way to tell ahead of time.  But I love my non-sexual relationship with women now and am finding my attraction to men very interesting and yet am pretty much the same person I always was.

Anyway, look around and explore.  There's a lot of good information here (and some bad, too).

Welcome.

- Kate

I know exactly how you feel although the opposite. When my mom took me to get my hair done which I never liked shed be like "Its hard being a woman" and id cringe.
You are definetely not alone. Welcome and get all the support you need.

Hi Chris - you're definitely not alone – welcome!

I know I've said this in many other threads, but I'll say it again, find a good gender therapist and talk!!!

You need to sort out all of your feelings and desires and find out what YOU want with your life, whether that be to simply be feminine or live life more as a female.

Keep us all informed and we'll be here to support you!

Welcome to Susan's Chris,

Welcome to the State of Confusion  . As Kate said, there are many of us who are, or were, confused about which end is up - I being one of them. I can certainly relate to much of what experiences you described and I was confused about the whole thing and deeply in denial about it for 47 years. It wasn't until I found myself unemployed and not working 60-120 hours per week since being 11 that I found myself having the issue thrust into my face with full force. Those feelings had reached a boiling point and I was left with no choice but to pay attention to it and do something about it. That is when I found this site. It was from some wonderful folks here (like Kate  ) who paid attention to me and let me know that the confusion is quite alright and that it would be best to seek out a gender therapist and talk to him/her. It's their job to help you sift through the conflicting thoughts and self-judgments and criticism and find out what is really going on inside that head thing. Also, there is a wealth of help and information here in the forums and the wiki, but don't let yourself become absorbed into this site and rely on this media only for your salvation - because, as tempting as it may seem, this is not the answer, this is not Nirvana.

I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 months now and it is the best thing I have ever done for myself - except for maybe that cute pair of strappy sandals... NO, NO the therapy was far better! 

Anyhooo, welcome to the family. Pull up a seat and ask your questions. Oh, and have fun with your life, you have a whole lot of it ahead. 

Deanna

Welcome, Chris!  I've only been on the forums for maybe a week, but the girls(and guys too!) have made me feel right at home.  You'll find a lot of knowledgeable, caring, and compassionate folks here.

I had to post because your quest for identity sounds like mine in many regards.  When I was young(I never like saying "when I was a boy"!), I didn't have the feelings of disgust for my body like others' report - it was more of a feeling that I belonged with the girls jumping rope or playing house, but I was stuck doing what boys do because that's what I was.  There was a striking incident when I was getting older, toward ten, when I wished on the first star that I saw one night("Star light, star bright..." - I used to make it a point to do that when we were driving in the evening!) that I would have breasts when I was a grown up.  It sort of came out of nowhere for me and scared me because I didn't know how other people would react, but I realized that's really what I wanted and I would deal with the ramifications when the time came.  That night stuck with me, but unfortunately, I did not grow breasts.  Yet.

Things went to ->-bleeped-<- in high school when I had my first girlfriend and tried to insert myself into her clique of friends, just to have them expel me for numerous reasons.  That's when I stopped looking at myself in the mirror(because I was disgusted by everything to do with me - physical and mental).  I don't feel so bad looking at myself shaved, if I ignore my shoulders and back.  I also stopped wearing shorts around that time because m body hair disgusts me and I don't want to expose it to anybody else.  I see it on other men and I cringe!

And I don't mind my penis at all.  I'm ambivalent to my genitals - they could be a vag or dick, and as long as they worked correctly, I'd be satisfied.  It's the secondary sex characteristics that bother me and the fact that I can only express myself as a man, and not the women that I see myself as.  I definitely identify as a lesbian, so it is a concern to me not that I'll become attracted to men, but that my penis might become non-functional on HRT.  And then how do I orgasm?:O

I didn't mean for this to become like a mini-introduction of myself, but I wanted to let you know that you're certainly not the only one who has a similar case history!  If you want to chat more specific, since it sounds like we have some similar issues, feel free to PM me.  And see a therapist!  I started going about six weeks ago - I was anxious to the point of visibly shaking, but she has been so amazing and accepting!  It makes me want to cry for somebody to accept me - ME - so completely.  I know she's paid to, but I can overlook that for the warm fuzzies.

Talk to you later, and good luck on this wild and wondrous journey!

Thank you all so much! I will definitely start seeing a therapist, hopefully I can find one in my area.

calliope; it dose seem that we have very similar issues, I hope to get to talk with you more.

Again, thank you all for your support, it means a lot to me.

QuoteHi...and...confused

Is that anything like high and confused?