What is up with this???

I just had a very crappy day. So I've been on T for 8 and a half months and pass 99%, which makes that 1% all that more annoying. I was serving a father with small children: we hit it off with a nice "he" and then in a few minutes, totally out of the blue comes the dreaded "young lady." WHAT THE....? I couldn't believe my ears. Then after he heard me talk some more he switched to a neutral "they."

The context: it happened in suburban East coast US, I pass very well, have had chest surgery, and have a decently deep voice now, and wasn't looking or doing anything differently today, except that I was a little overdue for shaving (facial hair is not dismal, but there's much to be desired in that area), and of course passed just fine for the rest of the day, but still....! One more thing, the guy didn't seem to be paying very close attention, like he didn't seem 'suspicious,' in fact, he was rather disctracted by his children.

I'm not gonna ask what I did wrong. I know it has to do with different people's perceptions, but I would like you guys' and gals' opinions about this vexing 1%. What have been your experiences? How often does this sort of thing happen this far into transition? Have you discerned a certain demographic that's more likely to 'misread?'

I think the key here is distraction.

Anytime I've seen this phenomena the person was arguing and totally distracted.

The other day I saw a cashier address a very normal looking man as "ma'am".
When she actually looked at him she corrected herself and apologized.

I think that if the person corrects themselves without any goading from you then you just have to grin and bear it.

Yes, but unfortunately he didn't exactly correct himself, just switched to 'they' indicating he wasn't sure which one. Which is way better than a definite 'she' but less than a 'he.'

ive been she'd 2 times since i was definite male all of the time.  one was post surgery too.  first time was mcdonalds on a busy day and the lady taking my order called me she like 2 or 3 times.  idk what was up with that.  second time i was filling out a paper somewhere and a lady came up to the table where i was sitting with an older woman and the lady was like "have you ladies seen... im so sorry, have either of you seen ******?"

sometimes people arent paying attention.  it happens to bio people too, it just doesnt rattle them as much mecause theyre secure in their sex, gender, and presentation.

Quote from: Josh on September 12, 2009, 11:02:03 PM
ive been she'd 2 times since i was definite male all of the time.  one was post surgery too.  first time was mcdonalds on a busy day and the lady taking my order called me she like 2 or 3 times.  idk what was up with that.  second time i was filling out a paper somewhere and a lady came up to the table where i was sitting with an older woman and the lady was like "have you ladies seen... im so sorry, have either of you seen ******?"

sometimes people arent paying attention.  it happens to bio people too, it just doesnt rattle them as much mecause theyre secure in their sex, gender, and presentation.

The second one was probably an accident.
That does suck when you don't pass but hey it happens. I pass all the time online(even when I post pictures) and sometimes in person if I don't speak but Im pre t I don't care much when I dont pass. I can't imagine how awful that is to be on t for a year and someone calls you maam. Thats just weird.

Want to make your life much, much better?  Follow the AA example and keep telling yourself that you have no control over other people, places, and things.  Its one of the ideas that AA has dead to rights.  Because you don't.  As soon as you give up that illusion, the easier it is to accept that you can see the world as you do, live in it as you do, and what other people may, or may not do - doesn't matter much.  And there is nothing you can do about it if they don't see it your way, or make the same call.

Hey Hal!

If it's only 1% it is most likely these are honest mistakes.
Even before HRT I had the times people thought I am a girl

Old people are more likely to confuse, my grandma many times refers even mom's boyfriend as a she and there is no doubt in him.

Adult people sometimes might just confuse for who knows why and sometimes children but that's usually rare.

As for him seeming not sure and changing to "they", after about 8 months on T, as far as I know, you still have a way to go.
It might not be valid for you, but some of the guys I know that are on T for about a year, still have some feminine shape because of their fat.
Some of them have still a lot of fat in their hips and a bit of feminine markers on the face.

Usually, they pass most of the time but still have problems.
Another guys I met been on t for about 2 years or more, they just pass.. 100%.
Some seem to have full facial hair growing (although shaved), no more fat at the hips so they look fine.
The worse you could think about some of them is that they look like kind of young men/boys but not a girl, not a chance.

So try to find what it is

I had some dude call me ma'am and then sweetheart on the phone last week, and of course while I was trying to think of a funny comeback the call was over.  I chalked it up to being on the phone.

One of my coworkers said I should have asked if he always called grown men sweetheart?  He was a bit of an arse.  Next time...LOL.

And a woman came into work last night and I'm 99.9% sure she's trans, but I obviously wasn't about to ask; then I wondered if she was thinking the same thing about me.  Nobody else at work seemed to notice anything (I didn't ask them or anything but the gossip mill was silent) - I thought she looked great.

Jay

That does suck, Hal, but I think it just happens to almost everyone and we are just more sensitve to it.  It's just one of the joys of being TS.   I got she'd a few times when I wore a full beard.

And distraciton can definitely cause it.  My mother, who seemed perpetually distracted, would often run through the names of almost everyone in the family before settling on a combination of my brother's name and mine when talking to me.

If you're making it 99%, you're doing great.  And yes, that makes the 1% harder to bear.

Hang in there, guy.

- Kate

my boyfriend has been on T for over 3 years and though passes quite well in Japan, when we went to America recently we got "ladies"d a lot. Only once did someone correct themself after seeing my boyfriend's goatee.

his shape is not womanly at all, and he has had top surgery but his face is a tad on the feminine side. this is kind of normal in japan, but i think the americans where we were just weren't used to seeing japanese faces.

plus, like other people said, the people who said "ladies" were distracted. they were at work and they have to deal with a lot of people all day, and probably don't want to stare at someone so they just take a quick glance and let their brain fill in the rest.

i don't think that many people know a lot about transgendered people, or even think they would ever meet one, so if you're presenting as a guy or girl, people should go along with it.

i dunno what to do about that one percent, but like someone said, it happens to bioguys & girls too, they just don't give it a second thought.

Everybody gets the wrong gender now and then. Even cispeople. As long as you know who you are, the opinions of a stranger really don't matter.

To add to the anticlocked stories...

The last time I was anticlocked was about two weeks before I started making changes towards transition. I had been thinking about it for a while, lurking these forums, reading up, but I still wasn't 100% sure I was ready for it.

I was at an electronics parts store asking if they had any of a component in stock. That may have had something to do with it  (not that women can't wield a soldering iron, it's just uncommon around here).

I never dressed all too femme presenting female. That day I was wearing a black tshirt, black jeans, a (fake "fashionable") racing jacket and sporting a rather long pony tail (of the clean and well maintained variety, though I've since found out I used to wear it low slung "like a guy"). I didn't think I looked male, but they obviously did!  . I was utterly astonished by how awesome that felt.

Nowerdays? I get a mixture. It's not customary to say "Sir" or "Ma'am" here, so it's a little harder to tell.

I get ma'am on the phone every now and then (though it doesn't hurt my feelings). What I can't stand is that gasp when people see me for the first time.

Quote from: K8 on September 13, 2009, 07:49:30 AMMy mother, who seemed perpetually distracted, would often run through the names of almost everyone in the family before settling on a combination of my brother's name and mine when talking to me.

Yep, my family does that alot. It doesn't help that my mom, dad, me and my two sisters all have names starting with S. Confusion abound!

Hey thank ya'll! I feel a bit better now. Yeah we may be  extra sensitive about    these things I guess. Getting 'she-d' even with a full beard/ goatee??? Yikes! That's encouraging AND discouraging, in a funny kind of way. I usually don't give it too much thought if it's an obvious absent-minded/force-of-habit mistake, it's just that 'young lady' sounded like such a serious, unambigous offense!  And you're right, it does happen to bio-people as well, and that should comfort us.