I have been thinking lately about some issues of living now that I am transitioned.  First, the anguish of gender dysphoria is nearly gone with only a few issues of presentation and body image remaining. Who doesn't think that they could look nice if only... 

However, that is not what is on my mind at the moment.  Instead, I find that I am so dogged by the results of transitioning on my family that in some ways, this has replaced my former distress over living as a male.

This morning, this situation caused a pang of regret to shoot through me.  Yes, I actually have been hurt so badly over being trans that I wondered why I don't de-transition.  Then I began to think of what it would be like to return to maleness and that it almost assuredly would not give me back what I lost, namely a loving wife and daughter.

But the head slapper of them all came when I realized that I had been so comfortable that I lost the connection to living as a female that gives me this peace.  Going back to a male life for the sake of others would not only be unproductive, I would become just as despondent and upset as I was for decades living a lie.  Giving up this wonderful peace for the happiness of others seems like I am to make myself into a martyr. Guess what? Bulls**t on that!  No, I'll take personal peace and a lonely life even if it means I never touch another human for the rest of my life. 

What was I thinking?  Amazingly, I must have taken my identity for granted.  Oh, I never saw that one coming.   

Maggie

The same thing happened to me the other day.  A wave of detransition flooded over me, because I became unemployed.  How was I going to obtain a job?

But Heather, my GF, pointed out that I have come so far, why go back.  And it hit me like a slap in the face.  I would be no better off trying to get a job, as an effeminate male, than as a transitioning woman.

Hang in Maggie.  Head up, chest out.  Go forth as a proud woman.  If others must be left in the dust, then so mote it be.


Janet

good for you girl. The longer I'm living f/t the more I am forgetting what it was ever like to be "him". It is now surprising to me when I recall past events from "his" life and imagine myself as that person again, how very sad and defeated the poor guy was all the time. That always makes me realize how wonderful it is that I have this completely new lease on life, and realize how far I've come since then. I would rather die than go back to being that person again.

I do believe it is important that we not take our new lives for granted; too many people do that with life whether they're trans or not. It is good to be reminded of that often, thank you Maggie for sharing this.  *big hugs*

Chloe

You can't control what others think and do.  (This is my mantra and I repeat it as often as I need to. )

Most of the time, as Kate, I am amazed that any one person is allowed to be this happy.  The other times, the times of doubt and problems, I try to remember what it was like to have GID.  I'm finding it harder and harder to remember.  (I'm good at forgetting bad times - some kind of self-protection mechanism.)  But I do remember that I began my transition for a very good reason - I had to in order to become whole.

This morning I was having a conversation with two GG friends, one who knew me before Kate and one I met after.  I was telling a story that involved my daughter and her mother and me.  I found it very hard to think that I was "the father" and "the husband" in the story.  Was that really me?  (Yes.)  I finished the story in confusion.

Maggie, you're in tough situation with the non-acceptance of those you've loved.  But you can't live your life according to their expectations.  (You know that, of course.)  And do you really think they would accept you as a de-transitioned transsexual?  No, for better or worse this is a one-way street.

Hang in there dear.  We're all pulling for you.

*hugs*
Kate