I feel so narcissistic, but I'm stunned.
Monday I had a gap in my classes, so I rang my therapist to schedule my second appointment (it'd only been almost 4 months!) As luck would have it, there was a cancellation late Tuesday afternoon so I sneaked right in. I had intended, then, to come out to my father Monday night. I passed out exhausted, so that didn't happen. Of course, I woke up right after he went to bed.
Big point 1:
Tuesday started off interesting. Following the suggestions in the nipple orgasm thread in the sex forum, I gave it a shot, and... actually got very close. It was an incredible experience with female sexuality. It was ruined by a certain something deciding to join the party. I can't honestly recall a time in my life before where Captain Happy* attending actually ruined a solo experience. It felt so completely in the way and unwanted in a way that I've never felt about it before.
Big point 2:
Dad came home during his lunch break and I had The Talk with him. It went over about as well as I could hope. I made another thread about that. Not to downplay how MASSIVELY HUGE this experience was, but... I don't know the full extent yet, and I already wrote about it. But none the less, gigantic.
Big point 3:
Second therapy visit. My therapist is just blown away at the anecdotes of my experiences so far, my physical presentation, and my personal presentation. She told me she loved the little bit of makeup I did and suggested some things (some lip gloss, a little blush, nothing major but some distinct feminine markers.) I can see in her eyes how happy she is for me to be at the point where I'm at, with how much I've carried on my own, at my age, while working and being in school. I'd be more proud of myself if I wasn't living at home, but I guess at some point I do have to pat myself on the back.
The subjects kind of got muddled about things besides what I wanted to focus on, but being that I'm her second youngest client, focuses like changing careers and whatnot are sort of too far-ahead for me to worry about. If I were in my 40s, that'd be huge, but I don't really have a "career" at this point. Plus, as I explained to her, it was only recently when I started taking estrogen that I was able to actually look past the brick wall of trying to make a life as a boy and consider having a real life... so there's too many unknowns yet that I just haven't gotten to explore. I don't know what other options I have in my 'field' right now or what I really want to do. She said something like me finishing a BS degree in 2 years and going full time... I'm sitting there thinking "I'm not waiting two goddamn years if I'm going to do this." And I said it. As is I'm entertaining full time next semester, at a different school, but... I have a lot to work out. Like what school.
Me using my male name was a big issue she thwapped me on back in June, and she brought it up again as I recounted tale after tale of it confusing the hell out of people. Luckily, I've almost settled on a female name... enough that I'm starting to tell it to friends. I was using it when my ex and I were out and about while we were dating. I'm not sure when I'm ready to switch over to using it full time with my friends.
But it got me an official set of Carry Letters and thus the official GID diagnoses that comes with.
Big point 4:
She stayed very, very late with me, to get the letters and because she said she's just absolutely enthralled by every minute we spend together. I never really want to stop talking to her. I was so eager to steer the conversation to all the things I wanted to cover, I hope next time to be more relaxed. But in any case, she said she needed to visit the ladies' room and asked if I needed to (which I had for an hour), and we went literally running off as she had a client and I really needed to pee. We held the conversation through the process and she wished me well through the stall and there I was left sitting alone for the first time in the womens' room, my head spinning, wondering what the hell happened over the course of the day, and wondering if I'm actually really experiencing any of this.
During the session she asked if I was still not sure about transition. She'd always been more excited about it than I was. And I said yeah, I'm still dragging my heels and in denial about it. And she did relent that nobody can decide it's time but me, and that what I've done already is wonderful and exceptional. She said that when you get something that you've really wanted for a long time, it's hard to believe that you actually have it. Especially if you thought you could never actually get it. Considering I didn't think I could ever be at where I'm at now, yeah, it all seems unreal.
I have way too much to process and store and not enough time to sleep and handle my 14 hour non stop day tomorrow... *sigh* But I needed to write things down.
*I just needed a name for this post, I didn't really name it that.
